one at last

I have tons to do but I just have to comment that this has been quite a week for me. Sure, I am worried about home visit. And yeah, I am still lazy. But this week has truly been a blessing. I’m learning to worship and serve God J to pay my taxes. Haha. I’m trying to strengthen my soul so that its yearnings may overcome those of my physical, only secondary self. I am a soul. I must learn to empower myself. I don’t want to keep giving in to my body—all that laziness is wasting me. I can be much more, do much more, serve much more. And I do want that. It should therefore be easy, yet it is not. Because all my life, I have learned to separate my body from my soul. I was just some body. Now, I am trying to merge these two at last. Only then can I be truly of service to God. Only then can I be happy. I love you, God. And I am extremely thankful that You have given me the chance to get to know You more and to be used by You more. I wanna be in heaven with You, even as I lie here on earth.

high, high, high!!

Well, it has certainly been an eventful weekend, to say the least. The submission of N107 CHN drafts, the puppy named Jack, the ulcer-ish, mefenamic acid-induced “high” during prayer meetings (how silly), trip to UP Diliman for research and lunch @ Rodic’s, my mom’s med school reunion. And then, instead of going to the concert, Chia and I just stayed at home since I was quite to sick for mosh pits. We spent the hours talking and making my visuals for implementation next week. It’s the 1^st time she ever stayed there for over an hour and I think it’s only the 2^nd time she’s been to my house! Haha! To think, we’ve been friends for almost 9 years. And then there was the fever. Then communion that was finally meaningful again. Oh, and this amusing crazy lady in church whose imaginary friend got squashed by this terrified couple. They moved to a different pew after 10 minutes.

But the really big news? *drumroll please* I finally told my mother that I loved her. She was lecturing and reprimanding again. I felt awful because I knew that she felt worthless, an inadequate housewife and mother. I felt awful because I knew that, somehow, I contributed to that. And I was and am truly sorry. I mean, how can you let someone as suicidal and overly dramatic as my mother know that she isn’t worthless and that she is, in fact, irreplaceable? You don’t. it makes you weak. Vulnerable. Well, I am weak and vulnerable and also overly dramatic (Maybe even more so. A bit neurotic too, actually, but that’s out of the picture). So I hugged her and blurted it out.

This is, to date, the most awkward thing I have ever done. And I bet it will remain to be so…perhaps more awkward than a 1^st kiss (yes, I haven’t had that either) or the 1^st time you make love with your husband (100% pure). It’s a bit ironic that we are unable to tell or show our loved ones how important they are to us. How much we, too, love them. It’s funny yet sad at the same time. It shouldn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to be this way. Yet it is.

We may not have the best relationship in the compound, let alone in the world, but she is my mother and she did raise me. Perhaps I am not her idea of a perfect child but I try to be a good person who’s true to herself and I believe that’s a daughter anyone would love and be proud of. I think she, with her strict and medieval ways, unintentionally raised me to be independent and ambitious, to be a person who tries to really live. She did that, and that makes her super!

erasures

I’m supposed to be doing tons of CHN paperwork. Instead, here I am. I’ve been bumming again recently and haven’t got a clue as to why. Maybe I feel like I’ve nothing to look forward to, which is kinda morbid. No, that’s not it. I don’t know why! But just in case it’s the romance blues, I think it’s time to take another step towards letting go. I shall deny myself from succumbing to any urge to see him or whatever. And now, I’m gonna erase some messages again.

June 16, 2006 18:51:57 à erase.

June 26, 2006 15:16:33 à erase.

And all those that follow à erase.

They’re all gone now. I just need to write the story and get rid of my umbrella. And probably some other stuff. Hide the letters or something. Maybe we’re never gonna be friends….

rebirth

The last minutes of my birthday

Last night, I wept. I let uncontrollable circumstances, bad moods, and awful schedules get to me. Instead of spending a happy dinner at home with my family, I spent the night mostly alone; eating, watching Grey’s Anatomy, crying in the bathroom, and trying to de-puff my eyes with a cooling eye mask. Let me tell you something, none of it did me any good….

Well, maybe except for one thing. I realized that although I may be far from being God’s perfect angel/servant/child, I have also come a long way. I have also tried my best to be so. I fell asleep knowing that God loves me and has truly blessed me. I fell asleep not at all fantasizing about the day to come, nor dreading it. I fell asleep thankful for everything. I fell asleep praying for everyone I know (or trying to. Darn memory). I feel asleep with conviction in God’s plan for me, whatever that may be.

Today was a happy day. Although there may be parts in my life I am not completely satisfied with, I have been given many opportunities to realize how blessed and loved I am. How instrumental I can be. I have my family and friends. I have my faith. I have my God…and that is all I could ever need or want.

Last night, I wept. Tonight, I will fall asleep with a big fat smile on my face and pure joy in my heart. There is peace, and the tears of the past nineteen years have been purged from my soul. Indeed, much has changed. It is 12 midnight.

good days

Good day today. BT @ ward, no bedside conference yet, lesson’s from Ma’m Pareja, finished labs by 6pm…lunch with myself @ Sinangag Php39! Nice chat with kim during N181 lec, saw most of my UPCN friends for the 1^st time this 2007, Prof. Maglaya telling me this hilarious intrigue about myself that she heard from someone, people congratulating me on my some-kind-of-pseudo fashion show, talking and greeting my dormmates… even the awkward 2-second moment bumping into him in front of the boy’s washroom seems funny. And I finally, finally deleted his ID pic and our one & only pic together from my palm.

Every day should be a good day J

….I don’t know if I read this in a book or saw it on TV: If you wake up everyday thinking of becoming this one thing then you are already it.

Today, I want to be an artist. I want to help people. I want to be a mother and wife. I want to write and do my visual art stuff during my free time. I want to be a good person. I want to be God’s child and servant. I want to experience joy and sorrow and pain and laughter and grief and love. I want to be on earth now, then go to heaven later. I want to live, die, then live again.