can you love me falling?

and can i love you falling?

treasure hunt

find yourself before you start looking for the one.

or find Him before you start looking for him.

just a thought.  i'm 23 years old and most of the people i know are about the same age.  you don't need to have studied Erikson's psychosocial stages to know that intimacy is on the minds of almost everyone (unless they're workaholics, in which case intimacy with their cubicles is more likely the reigning thought). i encounter many conversations revolving around this topic quite often, and that usually tends to suck me into the big black vortex of self-pity at my state of single-hood.

don't get me wrong--dating is fun.  i was exclusively dating someone for 5 months until the last couple of months (that or i may have misconstrued the friendly dates for something more) and i had a blast during those times.   but the truth is, its' not gonna work out if you haven't found yourself, or worse, your God yet.  you'll end up relying on the other person for your happiness and all other sorts of things.  and if you don't scrutinize the relationship deep enough, you'll have dug your own graves before you know it, and you'll be in too deep to climb out.

this is a reminder to put first things FIRST.  search for God first. date Him first. make Him your lover first.  then everything will fall into its proper place (though probably not all at the same time, mind you).

right?

i have the right to be angry, right?
because i sort of am.  well, just upset really. hurt maybe. it's silly actually, but because it's someone who's (unfortunately) quite important to me, it has blown up into a big deal. in my head, at least.

the past few years, i've really tried to emphasize how my birthday isn't about me.  i'm just like everybody here, nothing special.  i think what ought to be celebrated on one's birthday is maybe the reason why we're here in the first place.  so that was what i did.  this year, well, i've been trying to do that all year round (note: trying), so i figured i also needed to do something for me.  not necessarily luxurious or anything, just the simple things that i don't get to do but are still part of why i'm here.

so i shouldn't really mind that this person has not yet greeted me (note the date).  but it is a bit sad because birthdays are when people tell you how wonderful you are, how happy they are you were actually born in the first place so they had the chance to meet you, all that crap.  at least, that's what they do when you mean something to them...

right?

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

not against other people, but against wrongs.

grasp, gentle yet firm

15th day of December, year 2010

remember this day.

wow

so this is how busy i've been. i didn't even rant online for half a month! hahahah.
never ever try to cram a year's worth of activities in a quarter.  you'll get a year's worth of illnesses too X_X

anyway, i was just marvelling at the power that love has.  i was doing some calls for work a while ago and was advised to write to the director of this company and, surprise surprise! they share the same name.  just hearing that word, even if it's not the same person, makes me smile from ear to ear.

wait, did i say love? hmmmm....

rebel heart

this sounds like a good song to walk down the aisle to...

ambisyosa ba ko?!?! hahah. blame it on the wedding planning, as well as a series of chats with a friend about love and our ideals.

Erik Erikson was right.

sinusuyod ang laro

i have developed a recent LSS with Imago's Sundo and, even though i have been told countless times how very high school it is, i will admit that i can relate...

last Sunday, during Halloween Karaoke night with some friends, the issue of the game came up.  and i realized, i don't want to play the game or have anything to do with it, even if it's practically a norm now.  that's just not how i want to do things. 

sometimes we have to be adults.

/

is it weird to want someone to tell you if they're busy and can't respond to you immediately, as opposed to having to check your phone every now and then, eagerly anticipating a message that might not even arrive?

i was just wondering.  'cause i think i might prefer the former option, but maybe it sounds too weird and OC to other people.  but that's me--weird and OC. what can i do?

i just don't like waiting.  i guess i really need to learn to be more patient and understanding. haaay!

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act..."  -Psalm 37:7

valley

haaay. today, i hate you. well, i don't HATE you. but i can't concentrate right now, and i feel it's because of you.  yes, i'm blaming you hahaha.  i know, i know, it's really my own fault.

haay, Lord. SOS.  there's nothing i can do about that right now, it's wholly up to You.  if it's not in Your plan to do something about it now, please help me focus on what can be done at the moment instead.  like my work, for instance.  or the character profile i'm supposed to be developing.  or the book i'm supposed to be editing. or the million other things i planned on accomplishing before i got distracted by all the butterflies fluttering in the room.

60 hours of waiting

was i wrong to do that?  i certainly hope not. 

i think the coming weeks will certainly be an exercise in patience and self-control and faith.

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strenght; they shall mount up with wings like eagles.  They shall run and not be wear.  They shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

milestone (and a red box with a puppy on top and letters inside)

thursday all day, while at the BON Nursing Roadmap meeting
friday night, while having Korean dinner with jill, dianne, kara, chen, ginny
saturday super early morning, when i got home
saturday night
sunday morning, noon, and night

i'm sure this doesn't make sense to any of you (indeed if there are any of you reading this), but that's just how i like it.  i just felt the need to shout it out without really explaining what i'm saying.  it's between me and myself.  just help me pray for this, please, whatever it is or isn't :D

hella good

i had a great week and i sure hope this coming one surpasses it! not much has changed, to be honest. but i'm feeling more positive. i'm trying to look at where i am now through a different perspective. i'm trying to go out of my way to spend more quality time with my loved ones, and even get to know people whom i never really cared to hang out with much before. i'm resurrecting my mission to try to bring even a bit of goodness to every interaction. i'm trying to focus on what's really essential in life, and shake off all those worldly distractions.

this generation is so preoccupied with achievements, with results--and i'm no exception. but, thanks to a conversation with a super new friend, i realized that all i really want to accomplish in my life is be at peace with the people i love, and to try to do something good for the universe, even if it were so inconsiderable that no one would know. that's it. i've been trying to live that way the past few days and i always end up quite content when the day ends and i rest my head on my pillow. mind you, there've been some minor slips too, but nothing unforgivable or immensely terrible. it seems i just needed reminding that You are all that matters.

real vs. ideal

i'm currently debating with myself whether to stay 22 1/2 years old or not.  and no, i am not referring to the use of botox and a gazillion wrinkle creams to achieve this.  it's just that i've been seeing more and more examples of how most adults deal with their lives and all sorts of situations, and i don't want in on any of the pretentiousness, and hypocrisy, and suppression of emotions and thoughts, and acting in a way that is easier or more acceptable as opposed to how you truly want to or should.  but now that i think of it, 22 is probably not the best age either. i mean, i'm still so confused with my life and, sad to say, actually quite helpless to deal with situations at times. well, not helpless, just afraid to act probably.  i think i'm turning into a real adult in that sense.

what makes an adult real? and what makes him ideal?  my absolute favorite ideal adult character in literature has got to be either the dad in To Kill A Mockingbird or even Dumbledore in Harry Potter. hahahahah. but seriously.  they are my gold standard.  and what i love about these two is that, even though they are fictional and the latter is even a homosexual wizard, they still seem quite real.  like, they're not ridiculously or impossibly kind-hearted, moral, and level-headed; it just seems so at times cause we've been accustomed to the adult figures we have in real life.

a couple of nights ago, i realized how thankful i was, nonetheless, that most of the adults in my life were not exactly up to par with Dumbledore.  it made me see how badly i wanted to avoid being like that--and now i have a renewed determination to live my life with integrity, and according to the beliefs and values i cherish.  it's no easy feat, for sure.  i fail at even the smallest tests of character, frustratingly enough.  but i figured, i don't want to stop trying.  i think that's the only difference between real adults and ideal ones.  it's not that the latter is innately better than the former--they are just relentless in their attempts of being better than who they are now.  and that's what i want to devote my life to trying to accomplish.

***i've got a ton of decisions to make right now.  as some of you may know, i've been seriously considering leaving my job--that is, if my boss will let me (gotta dig out that pseudo contract). anyway, there are so many factors to consider, my mind is just about to explode! and after a minor breakdown last tuesday, i still am in no better position to deal with the situation. gaaaah. SOS

you're ruining me

yesterday, i was blissful, hopeful.  today, i'm ruined--my heart is broken before anything even started.  ok, it's an overreaction but you know that feeling when you finally decide on buying this super awesome but expensive piece of whatever only to find out it isn't available anymore? well, it's sort of like that.

see, i developed a crush last tuesday--a real crush on a real person who actually knows i exist. ahem, johnny depp.  it's the first time this has happened in a looooooong time.  but i just found out now that he's taken.  i guess i suspected it but hoped for the best nonetheless.  but i shouldn't have.  a guy like that, surely a girl would've recognized him for what he's worth.

i don't know what to do, Lord.  this happens just when i'm coming to the realization that i need to be more open, take risks, not be so frightened about getting my heart broken and having to share who i really am with someone.  i guess i can only hope and pray, and just try to be who you want me to be, regardless of my relationship status.  but i do pray, with all the fervor i can muster, that if and when you do bring that person into my life, i would love him as much as a woman could ever love a man.

defying gravity

while reading a barrage of daily emails, i stumbled across an article on Vanity Fair about Gisele Bundchen.  i was quite in awe at her ability and determination to stay fit and healthy in spite of her pregnancy (look at that body!).  but, more than anything else, i was most inspired by her philanthropic involvements and projects.  she's doing so much for the environment, for the youth, for the poor.  i want to make as much of a good difference as i can too, both in the lives of my loved ones and to the rest of the world.

i remember telling my parents some time ago how i feel it's important to do good now instead of waiting until i'm more successful later on.  i still stand by that statement.  however, i must now add that it's also important to determine how much you can give now without compromising your ability to keep giving later on. what i mean is, you also have to ensure that what you're doing now will not prevent you from accomplishing your mission.  sometimes, even when you're doing good, the overall outcome might not be as great if you had decided to act in a different manner, to go in a different direction.  maybe you're volunteering on the side now but had you focused on a certain thing (still volunteering but mindful of your goals), maybe you would've done more and better in the end.  of course, this doesn't mean you focus on one thing completely and disregard the rest.  the key is prioritizing.  ideally, too, your day job has to have a lot to do with your goals so that you don't have to resort to sidelines for a sens of fulfillment.

that was my issue.  see, YFC was the only major thing that i loved to do and that helped me accomplish my mission.  but now, things are starting to change and be clearer--i'm moving towards a real career, one that i believe was meant for me and the purpose set for me.  i won't have to live through YFC anymore because i somehow have a better idea of how i can accomplish my goal: to dedicate myself wholly to my purpose.  and now i can start taking steps towards that.

of course, i'll still do what's in my ability to help, especially when i'm needed.  ha! i don't know if i will still be needed there--what with all the new MVs; that really makes me happy.  i know that they can go on and do even better in spite of my absence.

now, i need to dedicate myself to fulfilling my purpose and accomplishing my mission.  i need to improve my relationships and learn to be a better and more loving person.  these are things i need to do if i am ever to get to a place where i can help more people and bring them to the Lord.

wish me luck! it's time to fly!

the land of the Wild Things

...is in each of us.

I watched "Where The Wild Things Are" yesterday and found it quite moving--this story of a kid with a temper and a huge imagination. i found that i could relate to it in some ways.

just like Max, i find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships with my family--i am easily disappointed or frustrated by their actions and am hurt quickly and deeply. i tend to take everything personally, even though i already know i shouldn't, and find it more convenient to blow my top off rather than act like a good Christian. it is difficult to be in a family, much less an imperfect one. everybody's got quirks and issues and deficits in pleasant characteristics. but it would be a lot more difficult without it altogether.

see, i'm just me. i'm no savior or king or magician. and i sure as hell have neither powers to make everything bright and sparkly, nor a sadness shield. in truth, nobody on earth does. we are all just ourselves. but we really do have to learn to live with one another in peace, to appreciate each other--while we still have that chance (and while the supper is still hot and waiting for us on the table).

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

so this is what it feels like...

...actually talking with your parents. my parents, rather.

ok, so we still don't agree. and i bet they think i am the stupidest person right now, to give up the opportunity of working as a nurse in the US in the immediate future.  and they made a pretty darn good point about me not being able to survive on my own even if i made, say, P35k a month here in the Philippines.  it's going to be a pretty big adjustment for me too, having been used to much pampering (though not quite spoiling).

my parents argued that i wouldn't have enough money to support my family (if i am to have one), to live comfortably, and maybe even to retire by the age of 55.  it's not that i don't care about family. au contraire, i wish very much to have an awesome future family life.  and what parent wouldn't want to provide her family with the best life has to offer?  it seems quite pretentious to say that money isn't important, for it is. but i know that there are more important things like God and love, family and friends. even though i anticipate that this bit of truth will be hard to remember when you're barely getting by, what else can we do but try?  and as for living comfortably, well, i've been living that way all my life and i would tell anyone who'd listen that it isn't all that. 4 cars, cable, wi-fi, airconditioning, fine dining, shopping, traveling, gadgets, a good house, maids, never having to worry about money (unless you don't want to ask for it)--i have that, and i'm not the least bit satisfied. thankful, yes, very much so.  but in these past months that i've been getting by with my own savings/earnings and doing what i love, that's when i've been happiest. my God and a life filled with love make me happier than any thing or collection of things could ever dream of doing (if they dreamt, that is).

i know it's right, Lord.  i know this is what You want me to do.  and though i acknowledge that Your support will not guarantee smooth sailing throughout, i am certain that it will all be right and perfect and just beautiful in the end, and that makes me really happy. i am at peace and can't possibly ask for more...

i should be on a FLASH diet

SAY IT AGAIN

No need to translate,
'cause my eyes give me away,
Even though my lips don't say..

This should be so easy,
But my head gets in the way,
All the things that I want to tell you.

You're the most perfect yet,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I wonder if you know that's how I feel about you.
I hope you know..

'cause I have so much love for you.
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove,
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again.

Not enough lovers in life to go around
But there's you and me,
If we don't start it out.. mmmm..
It's not hard to let go
Enough to let me in.
If it's meant to be,
It can only be good.

You're the most perfect fit,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I hope that you feel the same way too
About me.. just let me know..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

Can you take it from me?
If I give, can you receive?
I'm reaching out,
Giving everything.
I give you my heart, I give you my soul,
I give you it all..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..