it's official!!

i'm leaving on september 6 pm and will be back on the 14th of october. aack!! haha.

from tito larry

he messaged me on multiply a few days ago. it was nice because, even though we don't talk about these things, he knows what's going on and, more importantly, understands me too. thanks tito!!


The important thing is that you're happy with what you're doing. You are your own captain. If there are consequences, it is just part of life. as long as you know how to cope with it. we may stumble at times but dont let it get to you. if you decide on some things and you think it is right, you should defend it at all costs. Just be happy.

I know naman that you know all of these things but sometimes you need to hear it from someone as a reminder. :-)

humility is something i need more of...
Lord, remind me that if i am to brag, i can only brag about You.

eyes on You

wow! what a day i had. thank You, Father.

this morning, i was able to pray, read the Bible, and write in my journal.  then Jaq asked me about UNIV, which was a blessing because i was reminded of God's victory in that area of my life and how it can be used for further victories, along with all the other stuff.  then, when i went to CN, i got a chance to talk with Jean and Jeff.  i became more thankful for the "small" things that i'm currently occupied with.  i may not have a real job and my parents may be disappointed in the fact that i'm giving up the nursing path to greener pastures, but i know that i am making a difference, no matter how miniscule, wih my work as a YFC MV and even as an English tutor to Koreans who dream of studying in the US.  plus, when we didn't have household help, i helped out with the chores.  i think i've been good; i've been doing my best to make my God proud.

then i had a fun lecture.  well, more like helping out a friend with her homework and getting paid for it.  afterwards, i went to the core HH at tito nomer's office, just to give Gem the pic (ILC '08) i promised him.  i ended up chatting with familiar and new faces, and staying for worship too.  afterwards, when i was saying my goodbyes to everyone, Marian asked if i cold give a talk at their exert on Monday.  i was shocked and scared and i dunno how i reacted to her.  haha. i didn't even know what an exert is, for crying out loud.  i asked for details and he number before i left, not wanting to seem foolish and unknowledgeable.  i'm an MV after all.  aren't i supposed to guide them, help them, answer their questions? i'd lose credibility in front of the babies, and i couldn't let that happen.  i'm supposed to represent God and, in shaming myself, i feel i'd tarnish His name as well.

so, on the way home, i texted Rex and Kuya Evan about it.  thankfully, the latter replied.  apparently, it stood for execom retreat, of which i still had no idea and i've never experienced (either that or i have serious brain damage).  "how can i give a talk about something i don't know?", i asked both him and myself.  while doing so, i felt God whisper to me, reassuring that He will tell me what to say.  even if i had no idea or capability of facing those leaders and inspiring them, He does and He will give me the right words to utter; He will lead me to the right direction.  also, Kuya Evan told me that Marian probably prayed for this too and that i should remember that this isn't about me at all.  i guess i was worrying too much about embarassing myself and saying awful, unrelated things that i forgot that speakers are exactly just that: speakers.  they aren't the topic of the forum or the special guest in a talk show.  instead, they talk about something or someone and aim to inspire, not purely on the way they give their talk, but more through its content, through what or who is being represented.  and though i don't know yet what the content will be, i know that the talk will represent Him.  and how can i go wrong when such is the topic and the goal is to glorify only Him?

Lord, i only want to do this and all things for You.  please humble me, so that i may not seek glory for myself, but for You who command it.  humble me, that i may be willing to do whatever it takes, even risk persecution or shame, just to prove that You are the only one who is great.

Kuya Evan said that he was proud of me, that You will use me.  Father, that's all i want--to make others happy, to make You happiest.  i only want to be used by You and by nothing or no one else.

so this is what it feels like...

...actually talking with your parents. my parents, rather.

ok, so we still don't agree. and i bet they think i am the stupidest person right now, to give up the opportunity of working as a nurse in the US in the immediate future.  and they made a pretty darn good point about me not being able to survive on my own even if i made, say, P35k a month here in the Philippines.  it's going to be a pretty big adjustment for me too, having been used to much pampering (though not quite spoiling).

my parents argued that i wouldn't have enough money to support my family (if i am to have one), to live comfortably, and maybe even to retire by the age of 55.  it's not that i don't care about family. au contraire, i wish very much to have an awesome future family life.  and what parent wouldn't want to provide her family with the best life has to offer?  it seems quite pretentious to say that money isn't important, for it is. but i know that there are more important things like God and love, family and friends. even though i anticipate that this bit of truth will be hard to remember when you're barely getting by, what else can we do but try?  and as for living comfortably, well, i've been living that way all my life and i would tell anyone who'd listen that it isn't all that. 4 cars, cable, wi-fi, airconditioning, fine dining, shopping, traveling, gadgets, a good house, maids, never having to worry about money (unless you don't want to ask for it)--i have that, and i'm not the least bit satisfied. thankful, yes, very much so.  but in these past months that i've been getting by with my own savings/earnings and doing what i love, that's when i've been happiest. my God and a life filled with love make me happier than any thing or collection of things could ever dream of doing (if they dreamt, that is).

i know it's right, Lord.  i know this is what You want me to do.  and though i acknowledge that Your support will not guarantee smooth sailing throughout, i am certain that it will all be right and perfect and just beautiful in the end, and that makes me really happy. i am at peace and can't possibly ask for more...

i should be on a FLASH diet

SAY IT AGAIN

No need to translate,
'cause my eyes give me away,
Even though my lips don't say..

This should be so easy,
But my head gets in the way,
All the things that I want to tell you.

You're the most perfect yet,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I wonder if you know that's how I feel about you.
I hope you know..

'cause I have so much love for you.
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove,
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again.

Not enough lovers in life to go around
But there's you and me,
If we don't start it out.. mmmm..
It's not hard to let go
Enough to let me in.
If it's meant to be,
It can only be good.

You're the most perfect fit,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I hope that you feel the same way too
About me.. just let me know..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

Can you take it from me?
If I give, can you receive?
I'm reaching out,
Giving everything.
I give you my heart, I give you my soul,
I give you it all..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

seeds

HH yesterday with budj, yan & lhai--so much fun! ang galing! thank You Lord. You just gave us an opportunity to bond and, more importantly, acknowledge the infinite blessings you always give us.

then, last night, as i was doing yrbook stuff, my friend texted me that his talk was coming up. so, i dropped everything i was doing and, surprisingly, prayed quite wholeheartedly again. it has been a while since i last had a real emotional heart-to-heart with You, Lord and i'm really happy that, as always, You keep showing us that You're in charge and everything will be a-ok. heck, i was so inspired that i picked up my drawing pencils again and, although they are hardly masterpieces, came up with something meaningful at last.

after watching Blades of Glory, i struggled to find the right music to help get me in the mood for my quiet time but, thankfully, i finally started really praying in a few songs' time. i recall shedding a few tears--either because i wanted so desperately for my family to understand and accept my service, Lord, or because of my frustrations regarding the you-know-which area of my life. i partly blame myself for the former problem, perhaps because i haven't been doing the proper things to help them see why all of this is so important to me. i also cried because i felt guilty that i've been worrying too much about myself and my so-called problems and haven't been praying so much for the concerns of others. but last night, i was able to pray for them again.

and today, i asked for permission from my mom to attend the Kasangga assembly. although she had plenty of side comments which i chose not to respond to so as to keep the peace, she still allowed me to go so... all is well.

then i went upstairs and read the gospel for today and yesterday. yesterday's reading was quite apt, i thought, for my friend's situation. "If you had faith no larger than a mustard seed...everything would be possible for you." but now that i think about it, it's fitting for me too. i've been stressing so much about going to the US and wanting to be back in time for Christmas, and i've been worrying about really talking with my parents. i'm a bit worried about my career in the near future and even my future-but-seems-nowhere-in-sight love life. but i know You've got it all covered and i just need to trust that You have given me everything i need and that, when the time comes, You will just keep nudging me in the right direction. oh, and that someday, my soulmate will come. so thank You, Lord.

today's gospel is also awesome. "Courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." i was scared to ask for permission but was able to do it. i know that in all situations where it is called for, God will always give me enough strength to accomplish the task. i need not even ask Him for help. i just need to remember that He is always present, He is always the ever-loving guardian. and i can take courage from Him.

everything will work out in the end...

NB

is the artist of the week. hahaha. for some reason, my head keeps reverberating with Natasha Bedingfield's music.

STUMBLE
I'm not the kind of girl you bring to mother
I'm not the kind of girl you kiss in public
My manners leave a lot to be desired
At least im not a liar

And I'm not about the subtle innuendo,
More likely to throw rocks up at your window
Or walk on eggshells so you dont hear
the crazy things I'm saying when you get near me
I'd rather disappear than be faking it, anyway

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary helping me
Cause I can spell

My foot was in my mouth the day I met you,
All my friends they said I'd never get you
But they don't know it when they see it
They need glasses to believe it
They dont understand, so be it
What can I say anyway?

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words, so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary
Helping me, cause I can tell

By the way you turn me on to your favourite band,
By the way you pour me coffee when I'm too tired to stand,
The way you lift me up when I'm fading,
Breathe me in when I'm suffocating
Don't say that it's just because you can

Don't be stupid, thinking I've misjudged you
I know enough to know when someone trusts you
Why fight it now,
It isn't gonna hurt you anyway

You like me and I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words, so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary helping me
Cause I can spell

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble round those words
How you stumble

i got home late last night (or should i say early this morning?) anyway, though my mom didn't seem so furious with me today, she was really ticked off last night, as can be inferred from her txt messages. so i wondered, how do i choose? how do i choose between respecting the wishes of my parents and serving God through YFC? for i am sure that it would be most ideal if i could do both. but how? how will i know?

hmm. the answer seems so simple now. pray and listen to God. duh. haha. in the reading today, it was mentioned how God has put His word in our hearts so we need only listen to His voice in our hearts to find the light that will guide our every step. i think some people call this conscience, but i like to think it's more than that :)

where's my sketchbook?

i'm trying to be an artist again. blame it on upward living :)

testify

i had a great day today. or it seems like that. i think the feeling is probably magnified by the adrenaline rush courtesy of my first talk ever (How to Love @ YFC UPM). and God had provided all the ideas i needed to hopefully be effective. and though i know there really is no one exact formula for loving, i hope that my two cents' worth of blabbing gave someone an inkling, at the very least. haha. i love talking! rather, i love sharing with others the wonderful things God has been and will continue doing in and with my life. i love testifying to other people how God turns sinners and blah humans and losers into beautiful children. "testify" was, for some reason, stuck in my head today, though i haven't heard it in years. it's funny because it's only now that i realized what the writer felt went he wrote those lyrics; it's only now that i can actually sing them and not merely put a tune to a bunch of words stringed together. now, i can sing it from the heart.


"...For as long as I shall live I will testify to love. I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough. With every breath i take, i will give thanks to God above. for as long as i shall live i will testify to love..."