treasure hunt

find yourself before you start looking for the one.

or find Him before you start looking for him.

just a thought.  i'm 23 years old and most of the people i know are about the same age.  you don't need to have studied Erikson's psychosocial stages to know that intimacy is on the minds of almost everyone (unless they're workaholics, in which case intimacy with their cubicles is more likely the reigning thought). i encounter many conversations revolving around this topic quite often, and that usually tends to suck me into the big black vortex of self-pity at my state of single-hood.

don't get me wrong--dating is fun.  i was exclusively dating someone for 5 months until the last couple of months (that or i may have misconstrued the friendly dates for something more) and i had a blast during those times.   but the truth is, its' not gonna work out if you haven't found yourself, or worse, your God yet.  you'll end up relying on the other person for your happiness and all other sorts of things.  and if you don't scrutinize the relationship deep enough, you'll have dug your own graves before you know it, and you'll be in too deep to climb out.

this is a reminder to put first things FIRST.  search for God first. date Him first. make Him your lover first.  then everything will fall into its proper place (though probably not all at the same time, mind you).

i think doing something just to get over with it is perhaps the worst way to waste one's time.  you're much beter off daydreaming about siberian huskies and golden retrievers, or singing along to a karaoke machine, or even clipping your nails.  at least they're much more satisying. or useful.

i don't know how i'm supposed to keep going, especially when the only motivation i have for working is so that i can finish it and get out of this situation asap.  i know i should still do my best--i gave my word and breaking it would wreak havoc (is this an exaggeration?) on my boss, colleagues, and the project.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..."  --Colossians 3:23

rebel heart

this sounds like a good song to walk down the aisle to...

ambisyosa ba ko?!?! hahah. blame it on the wedding planning, as well as a series of chats with a friend about love and our ideals.

Erik Erikson was right.

nevertheless perfect

i was writing in my journal just now, counting the leaves remaining (only 16 left!) until i would have to switch to a new one.  i anticipate that day with both excitement and apprehension.  the former because, well, naturally! haha.  i'm excited because whenever i write in my journal, it usually signifies a strong emotion or insight or idea and, reardless of the mood of the entry, it's still something to be grateful for.  it means i'm alive and i still have the energy to write about all these things, to remind myself later on.  although, at times, the absence of entries can also be a good thing.  i recall moments when i've just been so overwhelmed with activities and what-have-you's (both in a positive and negative sense), that i haven't had the time to write about them.  there is also a slight feeling of apprehension.  right now, it's mainly because i love my golden (literally) journal so much and i know that when the pages are filled, i'll be switching to a simpler, green one.  the latter is a gift from a really good friend, and i really appreciate his gesture.  but the former, a present from my eldest sister last Christmas, just makes me smile every time i take it out of my bag.  it's really a shallow reason but, hey, i'm allowed to be superficial once in a while, right?

while counting the remaining pages, i chanced upon older entries in my journal as well.  sometimes, i like to do a random flip and read whatever is written on that page.  if i like what i read, i'll keep going.  this time, i read my entries from late June 2010 to early July.  they were all so bright and hopeful and positive.  July 8 was even described as a perfect day.  I couldn't help comparing such to my more recent entries, some of which are abundantly peppered with heavy sighs and complaints and uncertain endings. so, i've decided to do something about it.

i declare: this day, and every day hence, will be a perfect day.

hella good

i had a great week and i sure hope this coming one surpasses it! not much has changed, to be honest. but i'm feeling more positive. i'm trying to look at where i am now through a different perspective. i'm trying to go out of my way to spend more quality time with my loved ones, and even get to know people whom i never really cared to hang out with much before. i'm resurrecting my mission to try to bring even a bit of goodness to every interaction. i'm trying to focus on what's really essential in life, and shake off all those worldly distractions.

this generation is so preoccupied with achievements, with results--and i'm no exception. but, thanks to a conversation with a super new friend, i realized that all i really want to accomplish in my life is be at peace with the people i love, and to try to do something good for the universe, even if it were so inconsiderable that no one would know. that's it. i've been trying to live that way the past few days and i always end up quite content when the day ends and i rest my head on my pillow. mind you, there've been some minor slips too, but nothing unforgivable or immensely terrible. it seems i just needed reminding that You are all that matters.

the plunge

a while ago, i was chatting with my sister about the recent events back at home, when our conversation inadvertently led to a discussion about our future career plans.  my sister is making quite a living as a CPA in the Caribbean but plans to return to her big love--culinary arts--mid-2011.  i'm sure that although she finds auditing interesting, nothing beats cooking and eating in her book, and i think it's only natural for her to finally yield to the desires of her heart, especially now that she's much much more financially stable. 

i, on the other hand, find myself at a forked road.  indeed, for years now, i have merely stood at the bifurcation, torn between the various and incredibly opposing choices towering over me.  i have gone only as far as taking a few steps down one road, only to run back to the middle and try the other one, before going back again.  i have been shuffling, yes, and now find that all my efforts and energy was ill-spent, since i am more or less still at the place where i was before.

i don't know if i'm surprised to find that i am still afraid, to be honest.  even after so many debates and pep talks, tears and prayers and unbearably uncomfortable moments, i still keep looking back--i still can't let go.  or maybe i've chosen the road to take after all, and it has led shortly to a cliff that i must jump off of.  gruesome images of my head hitting the rocks, of drowning, of sharks gnawing my bony limbs enter my mind. so maybe i'll crawl towards the edge first, then just contentedly sit there and dangle my legs.  i desensitize myself to that feeling of not having any ground under one's feet, trying to enjoy being in between two worlds at one moment.  i lie down, feet still dangling over the cliff, and i savor how the jagged rocks cut through my back, how the sky looks as the clouds and the light play with each other, how the air cools my skin, and how the sun warms my face and blinds my eyes.  i listen to nothing, then to everything--to the sound of giant waves crashing against solid rock; to the flock of birds that pass by above; to the calming wind;  and to my own deep breaths. 

i stay here for some time--for as long as i need to.  i stay here until i cannot stand it any longer.  then, i get up.  i turn 360 degrees, trying to take in everything.  i scuffle slowly, slowly, carefully, towards the edge.  i utter a quick, urgent prayer.  i take a huge breath.  and then...

i take the plunge.

PS - if i were ever brave enough to jump of a real cliff and not merely a metaphorical one (although there is nothing mere about even a metaphorical cliff, when you think about it), this seems like a lovely choice, don't you agree? mind you, i'd have to travel all the way to Ireland just to do so.  maybe there are more feasible options in Batanes or Palawan :)

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland

debate

CHASING PAVEMENTS

I've made up my mind
No need to think it over
If I'm wrong I ain't right
No need to look no further
This ain't lust
This is love but

If I tell the world
I'll never say enough
Because it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I'm in love with you

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I'd build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?



**this is a few years old.  i've always really liked this song but never gave a thought to what it meant.  then i started singing it in my head a while ago and started to realize that this is how i'm feeling at the very moment.  i feel like this right now towards two aspects of my life. i really need to shake this off.

Solid Scripture for Dark Days

*i'm reposting from this site

Many Christians today struggle to find comfort and peace in the midst of a world full of pain, suffering, confusion, turmoil and sin. At times it can seem as if there is no hope or that God has seemingly turned His back upon His children. This could not be farther from the truth. Throughout Scripture, particularly the Psalms, God speaks His eternal Word of encouragement and peace into the midst of troublesome situations, granting the assurance only He can give. The following Bible verses should be on the memorization list of every Christian and should be said aloud in the midst of life's darkest moments.

1.Rescue from Persecution. "I come to You for protection, O Lord, my God. Save me from my persecutors-rescue me!" Psalm 7:1 (nlt)

2.God is my Strength. "I love you, Lord, You are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior. My God is my rock in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me and my place of safety. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and He saved me from my enemies." Psalm 18:1-3 (nlt)

3.God is close to the Brokenhearted. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He recues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (nlt)

4.God Has a Plan for your Life. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, they are plans for good, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (nlt)

5.Nothing Can Separate Us from God's love. "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger or threatened with death? No! Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us." Romans 8:35-37

6.God Works All Things Together. "And we know God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." Romans 8:28 (nlt)

7.God hears my cry. "I love the Lord because He hears my voice and prayer for mercy. I will pray as long as I have breath." Psalm 116:1-2 (nlt)

Kwentong Dyip (repost)

Youngblood
Jeepney ride

By Katrina I. Martin
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 00:56:00 09/03/2009

Filed Under: Road Transport

Every day I get up at 6:30 in the morning. I eat breakfast, take a shower, get dressed for work, go downstairs, put on my shoes, check myself in the mirror, say goodbye to my mother, and walk out the front door. I stroll down our street, then another before reaching my usual waiting place. There I stand for about a minute before the right jeepney comes along. My hand makes the slightest wave, and the jeepney driver sees it and immediately steps on the brake to let me get on.

I take a seat as near to the entrance as possible. Once I feel comfortable, I take my wallet out and count P12 for my fare. I hand over the money while announcing, “Bayad po!” I wait for one of the other passengers to hold out his hand so I can place my money on it. He in turn places it on another passenger’s hand, until it reaches the driver’s own.

The jeepney stops for somebody. She is a middle-aged woman who expertly gets on board while balancing her shoulder bag and files and closing her umbrella at the same time. She takes a seat across me and extends her arm to give her fare. The student nearby does not budge. The woman has to try twice before she finally catches the attention of the student, who reluctantly reaches out to receive the fare.

In this short span of time, the jeepney has managed to move once more.

As I face the wide-open window on my side of the vehicle, I see a man smoking on the street a short distance ahead. He is waiting for the right jeepney. When he sees it, he gives a small wave and takes one last puff on his cigarette before flipping it casually on the street.

I narrow my eyes, but before I can give him a piece of my mind, something distracts me. It is the sound of a drum. I spot a boy in his mid-teens, walking on the street. He has dark skin, and his striped T-shirt and shorts have turned gray from use and dirt. He is trying to catch the eyes of the driver.

He gets on the jeepney and starts handing out white envelopes to the passengers. He then sits on the step and starts playing his makeshift drums made of cans, plastic, and rubber while singing in a tongue I do not understand. I have seen his kind before, but never experienced riding in the same jeep where they played.

I look at the envelope in my hand and see some writing on it. “Konting tulong lang po para sa Badjao,” it reads.

I remember placing a pack of soda crackers in my bag that morning and take it out to put inside the envelope. A girl sitting near me sees me do this and gives out a small laugh. Maybe she isn’t used to seeing people give food to strangers. I smile at her, hoping she has a pack of crackers to give as well. It seems she doesn’t.

The young man seated beside her pulls out some coins from his pocket and drops them into the envelope. I smile again.

The boy playing the drums stops, gets up, and goes back in to collect his envelopes. He stops in front of the middle-aged woman who just ignores him. He nonchalantly reaches out to take the empty envelope beside the woman (he is used to that kind of treatment).

The girl gives back an empty envelope too. The young man next to her gives his envelope of coins, while I give mine stuffed with crackers.

I smile at the boy before he taps on the roof of the jeep, a signal to the driver that he is getting off. The jeepney slows down enough for him to safely jump off before speeding up again. I smile and look out of the window again.

Badjaos. I am sure I have heard of them before. Perhaps I studied something about them back in high school, but I can hardly remember. I am glad I finally met one.

Using one’s talents to entertain other people is a perfectly good way of making a living. Actresses and musicians and writers get paid for doing their thing, so why not drummer boys? I promise myself to write about them. Something about the beat of the makeshift drums and the boy’s unfamiliar words cling to me. I smile and for a while, I am at peace amid the hustle and bustle of the rush hour.

Other people may not understand it, but I find joy while seated inside a jeepney. Though the smoke threatens to spoil the pleasure, almost everything else contributes to the appeal. Jeepneys have an almost magnetic charm for me. In exchange for a handful of coins, you get an authentic and rich insight into the lives of real Filipinos—an intimate peek, if you will. No, the jeepney isn’t exactly squeaky clean. Neither is it all pleasant and inviting, which is perhaps  the reason some people hate it: we cannot all yet own up to the fact that life isn’t perfect. It is what it is. And depending on how you see things and what you make of what you have, it can be good.

(Katrina I. Martin, 21, is a research assistant at the UP Manila National Institutes of Health and a mission volunteer for Youth for Christ Campus-Based.)

if the shoe fits...

I want to give it a shot. After all, even Prince Charming had to ask Cinderella to try on the glass slipper before he could be sure she was the one. I guess that makes me Prince Charming!

So, how should I do things this coming year, Lord?

1.I want to be closer to You, Father. I want to fix myself and my life, and I know that THE only way to do that would be to be in close communion with you, that I may know you and learn to love like you. I need to really talk with you, listen to you, obey you; make more time for us.

2. I need to be kinder to my family and make more time for them. I don’t want to spend so much money so I need to make up for it in effort instead. I need to help out more at home too and learn the ropes so i can take over some of my mom's duties, which includes cooking (even the easy stuff)

3. I need to make more of an effort to preserve my friendships (STC, UPM, YFC, FIP, Church, family friends), even by simply greeting them on their birthdays or just asking how they are, to organizing small reunions.

4. I must maximize my time at the office so I don’t need to stay longer than necessary. Let’s aim for an 830-530 schedule, unless there really is a cause for overtime.

5. I need to pray more for this career issue and follow God’s lead. Whether it is writing, acting, the missions, or something else entirely, I need to get started with the preparation process: praying, discerning, planning, studying, pursuing. I want to help others and make a difference while maximizing my passions and talents in the process. I want to do right with what you’ve given me, and I want to do it the right way too.
RIGHT reasons, person, time, disposition, preparation, path/actions.

6. I need to experience life more, aside from just reading, watching, writing, or imagining it. This is a great way to prepare, not just for future career opportunities, but for real life—real living and loving opportunities. I want to read great literature, watch/see more amazing works of art, rediscover art and history, learn of and empathize/sympathize with the plight of different and all peoples, and just LIVE.

7. I need to write more. About the different realizations, emotions, thoughts, lessons. I need to write stories too! Characters, ideas, themes, events, anything, everything!

8. I will continue helping and serving others as much as I can, especially the needy. Through YFC, I can help evangelize to the youth. Through my personal work and actions, I can try to help even the most random strangers, while also showing to others that anyone and everyone can and should help others out.

it's official!!

i'm leaving on september 6 pm and will be back on the 14th of october. aack!! haha.

from tito larry

he messaged me on multiply a few days ago. it was nice because, even though we don't talk about these things, he knows what's going on and, more importantly, understands me too. thanks tito!!


The important thing is that you're happy with what you're doing. You are your own captain. If there are consequences, it is just part of life. as long as you know how to cope with it. we may stumble at times but dont let it get to you. if you decide on some things and you think it is right, you should defend it at all costs. Just be happy.

I know naman that you know all of these things but sometimes you need to hear it from someone as a reminder. :-)

eyes on You

wow! what a day i had. thank You, Father.

this morning, i was able to pray, read the Bible, and write in my journal.  then Jaq asked me about UNIV, which was a blessing because i was reminded of God's victory in that area of my life and how it can be used for further victories, along with all the other stuff.  then, when i went to CN, i got a chance to talk with Jean and Jeff.  i became more thankful for the "small" things that i'm currently occupied with.  i may not have a real job and my parents may be disappointed in the fact that i'm giving up the nursing path to greener pastures, but i know that i am making a difference, no matter how miniscule, wih my work as a YFC MV and even as an English tutor to Koreans who dream of studying in the US.  plus, when we didn't have household help, i helped out with the chores.  i think i've been good; i've been doing my best to make my God proud.

then i had a fun lecture.  well, more like helping out a friend with her homework and getting paid for it.  afterwards, i went to the core HH at tito nomer's office, just to give Gem the pic (ILC '08) i promised him.  i ended up chatting with familiar and new faces, and staying for worship too.  afterwards, when i was saying my goodbyes to everyone, Marian asked if i cold give a talk at their exert on Monday.  i was shocked and scared and i dunno how i reacted to her.  haha. i didn't even know what an exert is, for crying out loud.  i asked for details and he number before i left, not wanting to seem foolish and unknowledgeable.  i'm an MV after all.  aren't i supposed to guide them, help them, answer their questions? i'd lose credibility in front of the babies, and i couldn't let that happen.  i'm supposed to represent God and, in shaming myself, i feel i'd tarnish His name as well.

so, on the way home, i texted Rex and Kuya Evan about it.  thankfully, the latter replied.  apparently, it stood for execom retreat, of which i still had no idea and i've never experienced (either that or i have serious brain damage).  "how can i give a talk about something i don't know?", i asked both him and myself.  while doing so, i felt God whisper to me, reassuring that He will tell me what to say.  even if i had no idea or capability of facing those leaders and inspiring them, He does and He will give me the right words to utter; He will lead me to the right direction.  also, Kuya Evan told me that Marian probably prayed for this too and that i should remember that this isn't about me at all.  i guess i was worrying too much about embarassing myself and saying awful, unrelated things that i forgot that speakers are exactly just that: speakers.  they aren't the topic of the forum or the special guest in a talk show.  instead, they talk about something or someone and aim to inspire, not purely on the way they give their talk, but more through its content, through what or who is being represented.  and though i don't know yet what the content will be, i know that the talk will represent Him.  and how can i go wrong when such is the topic and the goal is to glorify only Him?

Lord, i only want to do this and all things for You.  please humble me, so that i may not seek glory for myself, but for You who command it.  humble me, that i may be willing to do whatever it takes, even risk persecution or shame, just to prove that You are the only one who is great.

Kuya Evan said that he was proud of me, that You will use me.  Father, that's all i want--to make others happy, to make You happiest.  i only want to be used by You and by nothing or no one else.

so this is what it feels like...

...actually talking with your parents. my parents, rather.

ok, so we still don't agree. and i bet they think i am the stupidest person right now, to give up the opportunity of working as a nurse in the US in the immediate future.  and they made a pretty darn good point about me not being able to survive on my own even if i made, say, P35k a month here in the Philippines.  it's going to be a pretty big adjustment for me too, having been used to much pampering (though not quite spoiling).

my parents argued that i wouldn't have enough money to support my family (if i am to have one), to live comfortably, and maybe even to retire by the age of 55.  it's not that i don't care about family. au contraire, i wish very much to have an awesome future family life.  and what parent wouldn't want to provide her family with the best life has to offer?  it seems quite pretentious to say that money isn't important, for it is. but i know that there are more important things like God and love, family and friends. even though i anticipate that this bit of truth will be hard to remember when you're barely getting by, what else can we do but try?  and as for living comfortably, well, i've been living that way all my life and i would tell anyone who'd listen that it isn't all that. 4 cars, cable, wi-fi, airconditioning, fine dining, shopping, traveling, gadgets, a good house, maids, never having to worry about money (unless you don't want to ask for it)--i have that, and i'm not the least bit satisfied. thankful, yes, very much so.  but in these past months that i've been getting by with my own savings/earnings and doing what i love, that's when i've been happiest. my God and a life filled with love make me happier than any thing or collection of things could ever dream of doing (if they dreamt, that is).

i know it's right, Lord.  i know this is what You want me to do.  and though i acknowledge that Your support will not guarantee smooth sailing throughout, i am certain that it will all be right and perfect and just beautiful in the end, and that makes me really happy. i am at peace and can't possibly ask for more...

i should be on a FLASH diet

SAY IT AGAIN

No need to translate,
'cause my eyes give me away,
Even though my lips don't say..

This should be so easy,
But my head gets in the way,
All the things that I want to tell you.

You're the most perfect yet,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I wonder if you know that's how I feel about you.
I hope you know..

'cause I have so much love for you.
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove,
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again.

Not enough lovers in life to go around
But there's you and me,
If we don't start it out.. mmmm..
It's not hard to let go
Enough to let me in.
If it's meant to be,
It can only be good.

You're the most perfect fit,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I hope that you feel the same way too
About me.. just let me know..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

Can you take it from me?
If I give, can you receive?
I'm reaching out,
Giving everything.
I give you my heart, I give you my soul,
I give you it all..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

seeds

HH yesterday with budj, yan & lhai--so much fun! ang galing! thank You Lord. You just gave us an opportunity to bond and, more importantly, acknowledge the infinite blessings you always give us.

then, last night, as i was doing yrbook stuff, my friend texted me that his talk was coming up. so, i dropped everything i was doing and, surprisingly, prayed quite wholeheartedly again. it has been a while since i last had a real emotional heart-to-heart with You, Lord and i'm really happy that, as always, You keep showing us that You're in charge and everything will be a-ok. heck, i was so inspired that i picked up my drawing pencils again and, although they are hardly masterpieces, came up with something meaningful at last.

after watching Blades of Glory, i struggled to find the right music to help get me in the mood for my quiet time but, thankfully, i finally started really praying in a few songs' time. i recall shedding a few tears--either because i wanted so desperately for my family to understand and accept my service, Lord, or because of my frustrations regarding the you-know-which area of my life. i partly blame myself for the former problem, perhaps because i haven't been doing the proper things to help them see why all of this is so important to me. i also cried because i felt guilty that i've been worrying too much about myself and my so-called problems and haven't been praying so much for the concerns of others. but last night, i was able to pray for them again.

and today, i asked for permission from my mom to attend the Kasangga assembly. although she had plenty of side comments which i chose not to respond to so as to keep the peace, she still allowed me to go so... all is well.

then i went upstairs and read the gospel for today and yesterday. yesterday's reading was quite apt, i thought, for my friend's situation. "If you had faith no larger than a mustard seed...everything would be possible for you." but now that i think about it, it's fitting for me too. i've been stressing so much about going to the US and wanting to be back in time for Christmas, and i've been worrying about really talking with my parents. i'm a bit worried about my career in the near future and even my future-but-seems-nowhere-in-sight love life. but i know You've got it all covered and i just need to trust that You have given me everything i need and that, when the time comes, You will just keep nudging me in the right direction. oh, and that someday, my soulmate will come. so thank You, Lord.

today's gospel is also awesome. "Courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." i was scared to ask for permission but was able to do it. i know that in all situations where it is called for, God will always give me enough strength to accomplish the task. i need not even ask Him for help. i just need to remember that He is always present, He is always the ever-loving guardian. and i can take courage from Him.

everything will work out in the end...

NB

is the artist of the week. hahaha. for some reason, my head keeps reverberating with Natasha Bedingfield's music.

STUMBLE
I'm not the kind of girl you bring to mother
I'm not the kind of girl you kiss in public
My manners leave a lot to be desired
At least im not a liar

And I'm not about the subtle innuendo,
More likely to throw rocks up at your window
Or walk on eggshells so you dont hear
the crazy things I'm saying when you get near me
I'd rather disappear than be faking it, anyway

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary helping me
Cause I can spell

My foot was in my mouth the day I met you,
All my friends they said I'd never get you
But they don't know it when they see it
They need glasses to believe it
They dont understand, so be it
What can I say anyway?

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words, so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary
Helping me, cause I can tell

By the way you turn me on to your favourite band,
By the way you pour me coffee when I'm too tired to stand,
The way you lift me up when I'm fading,
Breathe me in when I'm suffocating
Don't say that it's just because you can

Don't be stupid, thinking I've misjudged you
I know enough to know when someone trusts you
Why fight it now,
It isn't gonna hurt you anyway

You like me and I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words, so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary helping me
Cause I can spell

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble round those words
How you stumble

where's my sketchbook?

i'm trying to be an artist again. blame it on upward living :)

Much has happened….

A truce has been called; implied, rather.

HH yesterday. I realized that we really are growing up and we really do have more responsibilities than ever. I’m especially praying for Har’s concerns with family and finances. Then meedge somewhat explained why the UPCN doesn’t want us to accept the various offers from CBRC and such. Though I don’t fully comprehend, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that what we do now does not only define who we become later, it also affects the lives of those whom we preceded. I guess it’s up to us if we use that for the causes we choose or disregard this yet still affect the future with our thoughtless choices.

I am reminded again of this bit of truth on my way home when I encountered the Manila traffic. Maybe one jeepney driver stopped a bit longer than he should’ve to wait for more passengers, desperately in need of adequate income to support his family. His intentions are good and he means no harm. Yet that one act will not only possibly determine the flow of traffic along Taft and Pedro Gil, but it could also possibly change the lives of men: someone could miss an important interview; a girl’s father might not get to see her blow out her birthday candles; someone could have lived if the ambulance made it in time. Then again, someone could have a few more minutes with a loved one before he has to leave, thanks to the same. No one can tell.

Even if we don’t want to, one day, we will have to admit that there is a connection between all of us. We’ll have to live with the realization that every single thing we do can ultimately affect the lives of one or many in an infinite number of ways. Life is always going to be like a game of dominoes; we can be one of the tiles falling in a certain direction or we can be the odd tile that chooses to go in a different direction and create either a desired or unwanted effect with the move we make. So, what’s it going to be?

the reading for today is taken from Matthew 13:44-46

“He goes and sells all that he has and buys it.”

This entire week has seen me reading gospels about giving up everything the one true thing. Ironically, this was also the week that has seen me doubting my heart and His voice. My parents insist on a plan B (though I haven’t even fully explained the changes made to plan A), and I am tempted to succumb to their reasoning for fear that I might actually need it, as they say.

Yes, Father, I am scared. I’m scared that I won’t be able to provide my family with a good future. Yes, it would be nice to help the many who are suffering financially with the money I would earn as a nurse abroad. It would be so easy to give in to a secure future—a good future with minimal uncertainties. But I know in my heart that You have a plan for me—and I trust that it is beautiful. This isn’t certainty that I won’t suffer, no, but it it is certainty that everything will happen according to your plan and for your purposes, right? That brings me at peace.

I want to go with Your plan, Father. Please tell me that I am on the right path, for Yours is the only plan I want to follow. I want to be sure that Yours is the voice in my heart.

where the heart is

jaffy santiago: hi teacher kat!

me: hey!!!

me: grabe ang galing!

me: ittxt sana kita na mag-online ka. hahahahaaa. demanding?

jaffy santiago: talaga? bakit?

jaffy santiago: sayang sa load haha

me: naghahanap ng seryosong kausap

jaffy santiago: haha. gudlak na lang

jaffy santiago: haha. joke

me: hay, mukha ngang no luck pla ko dun. hahahaa

jaffy santiago: bakit ba? wasap?

jaffy santiago: ok ka lang?

me: slight concern

jaffy santiago: go

me: ok. gusto ng parents ko na magtake ako ng NCLEX (have i told you that before?)

jaffy santiago: yep. and?

me: anyway, they're planning na papuntahin nkong calif by january tpos since immigration will usually give you 6 months to stay there, that's exactly what they want me to do. go there, take the test, wait for the results.. and pag pumasa ako, magwork na dun snce mdali daw akong mkkhanap ng work kc may mga kaklala kme dun

me: and i am having difficulty telling them na gusto ko nga maging guro

jaffy santiago: ahh. have you told them already?

me: nasabi ko pero hndi nila sineryoso, saying na mas ok kung mag nurse n nga lng dun --> better future, echos eklavu chenes

me: and i know all that. i know na magiging comfortable ang buhay ko pag nag nurse ako

jaffy santiago: depende rin

jaffy santiago: tsaka ok naman ang suweldo ng teacher, lalo na kung sped or something

me: i don't wanna teach or do anything for the money anyway

jaffy santiago: ahh pero ok na reassurance yun sa parents e. hehe

me: i just wanna serve and be happy at the same time and make a difference

me: yeah, true. except parang nka shutdown sila pag sinasabi ko un and i don't know kung pano ko ipaglalaban 'to. parang ang hirap kc feeling ko sobrang fixed na ung isip ng dad ko.

jaffy santiago: ahh i see

me: tpos habang nag lalalala ung tatay ko sabi ko kay Lord "ano b tlga gagawin ko? di ba eto ung gusto mo na para sa kin?" tpos parang sabi niya "fight for it"

me: pero knina, hndi ko lng kinaya. silent mode lng ako. anyway, un lng nman. haha

jaffy santiago: yeah fight. pero hindi siguro yung harapang kontra

me: ay oo. pasaway. hahahaa

jaffy santiago: if that's where your heart is happy being, i know the He will bless it if you do decide to go for it. after all, He doesn't plant desires in our hearts that aren't for us

me: yeah, that's true pinagdadasal ko lng that He will give me the courage to pursue it. Thanks!