eyes on You

wow! what a day i had. thank You, Father.

this morning, i was able to pray, read the Bible, and write in my journal.  then Jaq asked me about UNIV, which was a blessing because i was reminded of God's victory in that area of my life and how it can be used for further victories, along with all the other stuff.  then, when i went to CN, i got a chance to talk with Jean and Jeff.  i became more thankful for the "small" things that i'm currently occupied with.  i may not have a real job and my parents may be disappointed in the fact that i'm giving up the nursing path to greener pastures, but i know that i am making a difference, no matter how miniscule, wih my work as a YFC MV and even as an English tutor to Koreans who dream of studying in the US.  plus, when we didn't have household help, i helped out with the chores.  i think i've been good; i've been doing my best to make my God proud.

then i had a fun lecture.  well, more like helping out a friend with her homework and getting paid for it.  afterwards, i went to the core HH at tito nomer's office, just to give Gem the pic (ILC '08) i promised him.  i ended up chatting with familiar and new faces, and staying for worship too.  afterwards, when i was saying my goodbyes to everyone, Marian asked if i cold give a talk at their exert on Monday.  i was shocked and scared and i dunno how i reacted to her.  haha. i didn't even know what an exert is, for crying out loud.  i asked for details and he number before i left, not wanting to seem foolish and unknowledgeable.  i'm an MV after all.  aren't i supposed to guide them, help them, answer their questions? i'd lose credibility in front of the babies, and i couldn't let that happen.  i'm supposed to represent God and, in shaming myself, i feel i'd tarnish His name as well.

so, on the way home, i texted Rex and Kuya Evan about it.  thankfully, the latter replied.  apparently, it stood for execom retreat, of which i still had no idea and i've never experienced (either that or i have serious brain damage).  "how can i give a talk about something i don't know?", i asked both him and myself.  while doing so, i felt God whisper to me, reassuring that He will tell me what to say.  even if i had no idea or capability of facing those leaders and inspiring them, He does and He will give me the right words to utter; He will lead me to the right direction.  also, Kuya Evan told me that Marian probably prayed for this too and that i should remember that this isn't about me at all.  i guess i was worrying too much about embarassing myself and saying awful, unrelated things that i forgot that speakers are exactly just that: speakers.  they aren't the topic of the forum or the special guest in a talk show.  instead, they talk about something or someone and aim to inspire, not purely on the way they give their talk, but more through its content, through what or who is being represented.  and though i don't know yet what the content will be, i know that the talk will represent Him.  and how can i go wrong when such is the topic and the goal is to glorify only Him?

Lord, i only want to do this and all things for You.  please humble me, so that i may not seek glory for myself, but for You who command it.  humble me, that i may be willing to do whatever it takes, even risk persecution or shame, just to prove that You are the only one who is great.

Kuya Evan said that he was proud of me, that You will use me.  Father, that's all i want--to make others happy, to make You happiest.  i only want to be used by You and by nothing or no one else.

rediscovering YFC

came from CORE meeting a while ago. i thought it was HH so i was pretty excited. but then, the hidden motives of my very pasaway President were revealed (haha. kidding eric). so we had a meeting about a formal integration of GK and YFC at last, and this new project will be starting in Central C! can you believe it? i'm really excited about the coming year :)

in the past weeks service has been kind of dry for me and it was only last night that i discovered the reason behind this phenomenon: i've been so used to YFC that i've forgotten to see the bigger picture. week after week, it has been the same, if not worse, in my opinion. still no consistent households, even for the execom. no prayer meetings or worships, and it's been really frustrating to see YFC in UPM spiral down to its current condition. and i realized last night that we have been stagnant for quite some time, perhaps not because we've become less dedicated to our service, but we've taken for granted the true essence of being YFCs, of being God's chosen people.

we're not just in YFC to learn about God, to worship Him, form a spiritual family in our campus, love our own families and friends and help one another out. we're supposed to go beyond that, supposed to serve those whom we don't know, those who really need it, knowing that we may get nothing in return.

thank you Father for you have revealed your great plan to us: You're going to use us to let the whole world know of and realize your great love for every single one of us. it's a lot of work, but with You, anything is possible. Lord, please continue to give us strength, faith, grace, wisdom, and perseverance to fulfill our purposes in life.

surf's up!

PJ Valenciano: pssst
PJ Valenciano: kat??
PJ Valenciano: hahahaha
me: yep?
PJ Valenciano: sama ka surfing
me: kelan ba?! may pasok pa ko eh..cge!
PJ Valenciano: hahahaha
PJ Valenciano: parang tuloy na sila sa october
PJ Valenciano: eh
PJ Valenciano: madami dami na tayo
PJ Valenciano: woohoooooooooooooo
me: october 12 ata last day ko
PJ Valenciano: excited ka?
me: sa surfing o sa end ng pasukan? haha
PJ Valenciano: sa surfing at sa end ng pasukan
PJ Valenciano: hahahahahaha
me: yep!

S.O.S

help! i'm desperately in need of a terno. our theme for the editorial board shoot for our yearbook is filipiniana (because we'll be graduating in UP's centennial year). can you believe, malapit na tau mag graduate!?! *crosses fingers* haha. anyway, back to the point, any ideas? do you guys know anyone from whom i could borrow/rent a terno? i want to look really nice because this is something my descendants will be looking (and laughing) at a thousand years from now. haha. keep in mind the size, though. haha. anyway, i need it before october 7th (that's the day of the shoot). so help me out guys! :)

writing gig

i'm in! yay! got accepted. i just got a new part-time job which involves mainly writing movie and tv reviews of my choice. cool, huh? two of my favorite art forms combined: literature and film. it's only a thousand bucks a month and i have to make two articles every week, but i guess that's an okay deal. can't wait.

living on the edge

well, not quite. i've been bumming for the past two days now. and because i'm still high from all the ocean and swordfights and swashbuckling humor, i kept searching for information on how the actors got their roles in the Pirates movies. there are rumors of a fourth one and i would be comme un fou to get even close to the Caribbean seawater. okay, i know, awful grammar. haha. anyway. so, i saw these casting websites with free trials and i registered in them! haha. just for fun. you never know right? anyway, when are we going to have good, mainstream films in the Philippines? i'm tired of the old superhero slash improbable romance flicks they've been showing.

i think this is what i need to do to keep myself close to sane, especially when school starts...you know, bury myself in all this art stuff. i'm resuming my advanced sewing classes at the Fashion Institute of the Philippines tomorrow. my last project. it better be great. i'm praying for it. haha. then, i'll be investing in dvds and vcds of my favorite movies (the real stuff), as well as movie and play tickets. i'm gonna search for a copy of the books Johnny mentioned on tv. then i'll try harder with "the artist's way" soon after i finish PDL. oh, my design gig with pau. mustn't forget that. and i have to sketch my children's book since altered books aren't easy to get published. oh my! i've got so much to do!

iceberg

so much has happened in such a short span of time. Yesterday at around 510pm, I went to confession for the 1^st time since 4^th year HS. I had been feeling so guilty about being useless. All those years I though “why go to a priest when I could go directly to God?” I realized that I had never really known and loved God then, which is why I never really felt guilty and sorry for all the mistakes I did. But now that I am trying to get to know/love/serve the Lord, it struck me that all the “little” things I did against His will everyday hurt Him deeply. Much more than the “official” sin such as drinking alcohol or whatever. I felt so unworthy of His love but a brother told me that I had to believe I was worthy. Because God does. None of us, if we think about it, are truly worthy of His love. And yet He gave His life for us. And His sacrifice saves us and gorgives all our past, present, and future sins. So when I went to confession, I had no idea how to do it but did it anyway. And I am so happy because such a huge weight has been lifted. Right now I am trying to do my best in doing good and avoiding sin.

A while ago, our SE was such a success thanks to God. He provided for us so that we may be able to take BPs and test blood types. He loves us for love’s sake, no matter how undeserving we are. Isn’t that just great? May we learn to really realize that everyday is indeed a blessing and a miracle.

“Because He Himself was tested through what He suffered, He is able to help those who are being tested.” -Heb 2:18

style + ice + sojun + literature

I’m gonna do a fashion show! Well, just one piece, but still. Haha.

Went ice-skating again. Fell so many times and I even displayed anaphylactic reactions to the cold. By the time I went out the rink, my fingers were so swollen it looked like I had 10 thumbs! Haha.

Then, we had our Christmas party at Room 4. yep, just me, ate di, clara, and ria. We had so much fun eating, talking, exchanging gifts, drinking sojun—a Korean alcoholic beverage (well, this part was both dreadful and fun), dancing with a pseudo disco light c/o ate di’s flashlight, and hiding the bottle when Sister Elvira went into our room! Hahaha.

Anyway, I don’t know if it’s from reading Elizabeth or maybe because I don’t see him (literally), but I’m okay. Maybe I was just being curious but I think I can survive without knowing what really happened. And maybe I have come to accept that though I love him, we really aren’t meant for each other. And I don’t even mean that in a bitter way at all. I guess we just weren’t the right mix, although we are great persons, individually. And yes, I am still hoping and waiting for my soulmate; the one God has made for me; the one that will improve me further when and only when I cannot do so on my own any longer.

Although I do wish we could be friends, I know that I am ready for that new chapter in my life no. I no longer want to keep flipping back and forth. Now that I think I have sufficient understanding of what happened, I am finally ready for what is about to take place.

Oh my. I just realized that I haven’t written in such a long time. I’m here at the CN auditorium right now. I had to leave the Christmas party at Mary’s House at 10pm, which was just too bad because it was a real blast: the presentations, stand-up acts, intermissions, awards…we even won the award for cleanest room! Hayaaaa! Earlier, I went to MOA with alex, roj, mic, and pau to ice-skate! It was my first time ever. Fell flat on my butt twice. By the end of the hour I managed to stand and even glide (however awkwardly) on my own. I’m gonna skate again. Next time, I’m gonna do even better. Haha. at least, I hope I do.