Bipolar

You ever get to a point in your life when you feel like you have nothing to live for?  You're not terribly troubled, no.  But you've lost passion for life, and the things you once enjoyed now hold no happiness for you.
This might be one of my greatest fears.  To wake up and neither dread nor look forward to anything that would happen that day.  To wake up and just go through the motions.  To have everything yet dream of nothing.  To be a zombie.

And this was exactly how i felt just a couple of days ago.  Blame it on PMS (that's pre-menstrual syndrome, for you boys out there), on an almost impossible amount of work that left this responsible girl feeling guilty during the few times she'd take breaks to have bits of heart-to-hearts with friends, on missed opportunities, on seemingly irreparable relationships, on unattainable dreams.  Blame it on everyone and everything except the actual culprit.

So what do you do when you've deluded yourself into thinking that life has lost its meaning?  Do you give up in the way you know how?  Numb yourself with an overdose of material riches--gadgets, shoes, cars, stuffed toys even?  Pretend like everything's just peachy?  Take it out on the people around you?  End your life and, with it, the disappointment and misery?

I've been to points in my life when I've felt tired and frustrated and just about questioned the meaning of life itself.  But each time, I make the decision to stay and find out.

eleven days

there are only 11 days til this year ends and another one begins.  11 days!!! 353 1/2 days have gone by completely, and pretty quick too;  i'm sure the next handful will be like a whirlwind that sweeps us off our feet and leaves us in a tangled daze afterwards.  i have eleven days to make sure i look back at his year with a fond smile instead of bitter regrets.

it's funny how the things that happened at the start and during the middle of the year do not seem to be as significant as those that happened only recentl or are about to happen soon.  whis is that so?  why is there an immense amount of importance and meaning attached to how things end?  maybe it's the idea of being given second chances.  maybe it's because it's at the end that our hoping pays off and our faithfulness is rewarded.  maybe it's about rising above the situations faced, no matter how wretched.  maybe it's about being saved.

i have eleven days to make sure that when i talk of this particular year, i can be honest in saying that it was good.  indeed, for the most part, it has been.  i know that my struggles at work have been particularly prominent these last few months and, as such, i tend to believe that has been all hardships all this time.  but that isn't really so...

first, i have gone a few steps further in the pursuit of my calling--faced the truth, taken a class, networked, researched, poured my heart out, did a couple of small projects and vaguely landed myself in some more for the coming year.  there's also the prospect of studying again.  heck, i even (sort of) told my parents!!  and almost all this in the 2nd half of the year alone.

second, i'm slowly starting to realign my life, to focus on the essentials, as opposed to the shiny ornamentations that so many of us have become distracted with.  i'm learning not to rely so much on things to bring me joy, but to find true contentment in every moment regardless of what i have or where i am.

then there's the fact that i'm really learning to open up to more people, as well as try to preserve and deepen the existing relationships i have.  i've rediscovered friends and made new ones from acquaintances and that has been a great source of comfort this past year.  i'm even trying to be much more loving towards my own family, and to open up my heart to them more (even if it means terrible, uncomfortable moments).  and of course, there's You, whom i do try to approach and be intimate with, even if i am unworthy.   i know that i want to please You, be good for You, and accomplish the mission You set out for me to do.

now that i think about it, i don't need eleven days to make this year magical--it already is.  but i do have eleven days to thank the Lord for this year.  eleven days to keep trying to remember the essence of life and love on earth--that i may never forget it in the coming years.

we all have eleven days ;)

wow

so this is how busy i've been. i didn't even rant online for half a month! hahahah.
never ever try to cram a year's worth of activities in a quarter.  you'll get a year's worth of illnesses too X_X

anyway, i was just marvelling at the power that love has.  i was doing some calls for work a while ago and was advised to write to the director of this company and, surprise surprise! they share the same name.  just hearing that word, even if it's not the same person, makes me smile from ear to ear.

wait, did i say love? hmmmm....

hella good

i had a great week and i sure hope this coming one surpasses it! not much has changed, to be honest. but i'm feeling more positive. i'm trying to look at where i am now through a different perspective. i'm trying to go out of my way to spend more quality time with my loved ones, and even get to know people whom i never really cared to hang out with much before. i'm resurrecting my mission to try to bring even a bit of goodness to every interaction. i'm trying to focus on what's really essential in life, and shake off all those worldly distractions.

this generation is so preoccupied with achievements, with results--and i'm no exception. but, thanks to a conversation with a super new friend, i realized that all i really want to accomplish in my life is be at peace with the people i love, and to try to do something good for the universe, even if it were so inconsiderable that no one would know. that's it. i've been trying to live that way the past few days and i always end up quite content when the day ends and i rest my head on my pillow. mind you, there've been some minor slips too, but nothing unforgivable or immensely terrible. it seems i just needed reminding that You are all that matters.

Jung Test reslts

Extroverted (E) 69.7% vs. Introverted (I) Intuitive (N) 52.5% vs. Sensing (S) Feeling (F) 58.82% vs. Thinking (T) Judging (J) 51.61%  vs. Perceiving (P)

Your type is: ENFJ

ENFJ - "Persuader". Outstanding leader of groups. Can be aggressive at helping others to be the best that they can be. 2.5% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

ENFJ outgoing, social, attention seeking, emotional, loving, organized, comfortable around others, involved, open, hyperactive, complimentary, punctual, considerate, altruistic, easily hurt, religious, neat, content, positive, affectionate, image conscious, good at getting people to have fun, easily excited, perfectionist, assertive, ambitious, leader, hard working, seductive, touchy, group oriented, anti-tattoos

*the descriptions listed here are made up of personality items. people who scored high on this type scored higher on the above items compared to the average.

favored careers: casting directory, film critic, wedding planner, work in the performing arts, teacher (art, preschool, elementary), actor, fashion designer, news anchor, fashion merchandisier, school psychologist, broadcaster, stylist, interior designer, event coordinator, restarant owner, childcare worker, hair stylist, film director, counselor, dancer

disfavored careers: race car driver, scientist, computer specialist, airline pilot, computer programmer, financial manager, epidemiologist, truck driver, electrical engineer, software designer, web designer, business consultant, dj, bookseller

from the depths

i've been stressing and doubting and downing myself lately. but now i realize that God is and will forvermore be with me at all times.  His words, His hands reach out to me from everywhere, literally, and through every channel.

the following is taken from the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional last May 28, 2010

God often lets problems become impossibilities

by Rick Warren

"At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (PH)


When the pursuit of your dream deteriorates from difficult to impossible; when the situation looks hopeless, congratulations! You're in good company.

Even Paul went through dead ends: "At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 PH)

If God can raise people physically, he can raise people who are dead emotionally. He can raise a dead marriage. He can resurrect a dead career. He can resurrect you from a health problem. If God can raise the dead, he can do anything.

In Abraham's situation, God said, "I want you to become the father of a nation," but then Abraham had to wait until he was ninety-nine years old before he had his first child. The Bible shows Abraham's situation going from difficult to impossible. He looks at his body and says, "No way!" Then he looks at his wife and says, "Double no way!"

But Sarah got pregnant and they laughed about it. When the baby was born, they named him Isaac, which means laughter.

God often lets problems become impossibilities. The disciples planned to follow Jesus. They thought he was the Messiah, but then the next thing they know Jesus is hanging on the cross, dying. Was this a dead end for the disciples? For three days it seemed that way, but then Jesus walked out of the tomb.

When you face a dead end, you may start asking, "What's going on, God? Did I miss your will? Your plan? Have I missed your vision?" Keep in mind that dead ends are part of God's plan for you.

What's the best response to a dead end? "He has delivered us from such a terrible death, and He will deliver us; we have placed our hope in Him that He will deliver us again." (2 Corinthians 1:10 HCSB)

defying gravity

while reading a barrage of daily emails, i stumbled across an article on Vanity Fair about Gisele Bundchen.  i was quite in awe at her ability and determination to stay fit and healthy in spite of her pregnancy (look at that body!).  but, more than anything else, i was most inspired by her philanthropic involvements and projects.  she's doing so much for the environment, for the youth, for the poor.  i want to make as much of a good difference as i can too, both in the lives of my loved ones and to the rest of the world.

i remember telling my parents some time ago how i feel it's important to do good now instead of waiting until i'm more successful later on.  i still stand by that statement.  however, i must now add that it's also important to determine how much you can give now without compromising your ability to keep giving later on. what i mean is, you also have to ensure that what you're doing now will not prevent you from accomplishing your mission.  sometimes, even when you're doing good, the overall outcome might not be as great if you had decided to act in a different manner, to go in a different direction.  maybe you're volunteering on the side now but had you focused on a certain thing (still volunteering but mindful of your goals), maybe you would've done more and better in the end.  of course, this doesn't mean you focus on one thing completely and disregard the rest.  the key is prioritizing.  ideally, too, your day job has to have a lot to do with your goals so that you don't have to resort to sidelines for a sens of fulfillment.

that was my issue.  see, YFC was the only major thing that i loved to do and that helped me accomplish my mission.  but now, things are starting to change and be clearer--i'm moving towards a real career, one that i believe was meant for me and the purpose set for me.  i won't have to live through YFC anymore because i somehow have a better idea of how i can accomplish my goal: to dedicate myself wholly to my purpose.  and now i can start taking steps towards that.

of course, i'll still do what's in my ability to help, especially when i'm needed.  ha! i don't know if i will still be needed there--what with all the new MVs; that really makes me happy.  i know that they can go on and do even better in spite of my absence.

now, i need to dedicate myself to fulfilling my purpose and accomplishing my mission.  i need to improve my relationships and learn to be a better and more loving person.  these are things i need to do if i am ever to get to a place where i can help more people and bring them to the Lord.

wish me luck! it's time to fly!

my Mind

mirrors

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes. i have no idea how i compare to the people who have made it. i have no assurance that i will make it, myself. i have no experience, no education, no recommendation of any kind. i have zip.

all i have are these weak hands, this mediocre brain, this flawed heart.
all i have is a dream, a hope, a passion, a vision.
all i have is the faith that things will work out as they are meant to do so.
all i have is a God whom i trust completely, and who looks out for me at all times.

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes, very much so.
but i cannot let my doubts imprison me any more.
i have to take that step, that leap.
i must walk, decidedly, into the dark abyss of trials and suffering. but i would do so with a ray of light of hope, with faith and gracious uncertainty. with You.

22

i get it now. your love is better than life; it's more than what i ever expected life could ever be. then, it was about dreams and goals, money and things, myself and my problems. now, it is about family and friends, purpose and love, You and my mission.

everything just falls into place after that first step of acknowledgment and acceptance.

"...
for You O Lord make the sunshine and the moonlight and the night sky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You because I can't stop falling in love with you
..."

Thank You for putting things in their rightful place. i know You're with me on my way to mine as well. and i finally have hope of getting there, thanks to You.

i love You. i can't even fathom that there was a time when i didn't know You, didn't know You loved me. now Your love leaves my heart full of hope and joy, faith and love--i am runneth over, a cistern that overflows, with life.

i hope that i can fulfill the purpose and mission you have set for me, and pay forward the blessings i have received from your infinite rivers.

Hello, goodbye.

Saturday, December 5, 2009
the last day of the Philippine Nursing Competitiveness Conference

i learned a lot from the entire PNCC--from organizing the conference to relating with other people. and, more significantly, i realized that the Nursing profession, in my case, is like a scholar or an outstanding charity. there is no doubt that it is important and that it is worth helping. the question this really poses to me is this: how can i help something or someone i care for but am not an expert in? it's much like loving your country--this doesn't ensure that you can be a good President of the Republic of the Philippines, does it?

i am passionate for many things and, among such, the status of health care in the country (and across the globe). i want to do my part to ensure that everyone receives good care, whatever their stature. but i am not much interested in learning the ropes of providing primary health care; i am much more concerned in getting the professionals with healing hands to do that in a manner that will be equitable to all parties.

trying to further the standards and status of health, and nursing in particular, is truly a good and necessary cause--i am just uncertain if this is a cause that i should be working for. it seems that i am not required here, after all. furthermore, i cannot give that which i do not possess--and i definitely do not possess the skills in providing health care.

on a different note, i must say that i applaud the likes of Ma'am Meng, Ma'am Betty, Sir Marco, Sir Ken, and Ma'am Vanne, among others. here is a bunch of accomplished professionals who have kept their integrity intact and who have a sincere concern for the profession and those practicing it. it is moving to be in the midst of people who are extremely passionate for what they do, people who aren't just looking out for themselves but for others as well. i look at them and am pleased for Philippine Nursing, for there is much hope still. at the same time, i look at them and see that i do not belong here. i can never have that kind of love for this profession, and i feel it would be an injustice to all parties if i were to stay. good intentions can only go so far for, though i wish that i love Nursing the way they do, i am honest in saying that i do not. i love it in a sense that truly, from the deepest recesses of my heart, i want it to do splendidly. i love it in the sense that i am even willing to give of myself to help its cause, had i the brains or hands to do so. but i am not the best nor the right person to do such a thing.

i was made for something else, something equally worth fighting, living, and dying for.

testify

i had a great day today. or it seems like that. i think the feeling is probably magnified by the adrenaline rush courtesy of my first talk ever (How to Love @ YFC UPM). and God had provided all the ideas i needed to hopefully be effective. and though i know there really is no one exact formula for loving, i hope that my two cents' worth of blabbing gave someone an inkling, at the very least. haha. i love talking! rather, i love sharing with others the wonderful things God has been and will continue doing in and with my life. i love testifying to other people how God turns sinners and blah humans and losers into beautiful children. "testify" was, for some reason, stuck in my head today, though i haven't heard it in years. it's funny because it's only now that i realized what the writer felt went he wrote those lyrics; it's only now that i can actually sing them and not merely put a tune to a bunch of words stringed together. now, i can sing it from the heart.


"...For as long as I shall live I will testify to love. I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough. With every breath i take, i will give thanks to God above. for as long as i shall live i will testify to love..."

a new fave line

"I must endure who I have been, if i am ever to become something else."
- The Haitian, Heroes 53

teacher jaffy shared this line with me from, would you believe, the Heroes comics? meron pla nun?! haha. pero totoo lng :) we have to accept who we were and just be inspired to become who we're supposed to be.

Luke 8:16

*random bible flip*

"no one lights a lamp and puts it under a bowl or under a bed. A lamp is always put on a lampstand, so that people who come into a house will see the light."



God is telling you to shine! to spread his beautiful Word :)

rediscovering YFC

came from CORE meeting a while ago. i thought it was HH so i was pretty excited. but then, the hidden motives of my very pasaway President were revealed (haha. kidding eric). so we had a meeting about a formal integration of GK and YFC at last, and this new project will be starting in Central C! can you believe it? i'm really excited about the coming year :)

in the past weeks service has been kind of dry for me and it was only last night that i discovered the reason behind this phenomenon: i've been so used to YFC that i've forgotten to see the bigger picture. week after week, it has been the same, if not worse, in my opinion. still no consistent households, even for the execom. no prayer meetings or worships, and it's been really frustrating to see YFC in UPM spiral down to its current condition. and i realized last night that we have been stagnant for quite some time, perhaps not because we've become less dedicated to our service, but we've taken for granted the true essence of being YFCs, of being God's chosen people.

we're not just in YFC to learn about God, to worship Him, form a spiritual family in our campus, love our own families and friends and help one another out. we're supposed to go beyond that, supposed to serve those whom we don't know, those who really need it, knowing that we may get nothing in return.

thank you Father for you have revealed your great plan to us: You're going to use us to let the whole world know of and realize your great love for every single one of us. it's a lot of work, but with You, anything is possible. Lord, please continue to give us strength, faith, grace, wisdom, and perseverance to fulfill our purposes in life.

a prayer, a friend, and a million raindrops

i spent a few hours with a friend today. we had merienda, worked on a paper that will change the world, kidded with a brother, pretended to be pirates journeying across the vast ocean (pedro gil) in our so-called black pearl (a pedicab). then, we took turns playing amanda bynes on "the girls' room", minus the million or so 'whatevers'. also, i guess you could say we were a tad more serious. here are some insights...

it is hard to let go. sometimes, we've grown to love someone so much that we don't care if they don't love us back; we end up hoping for even the slightest sign indicating that there is still a way to rekindle the fire. we hold on to the memorabilia, acknowledging that there has been some kind of sentimental significance in such things as letters, ribbons, petals, or guitar strings. but sometimes, we also need to come into terms with the realization that locking these things up, hiding them in boxes, may hinder us from truly moving on. sometimes we just have to let go, knowing fully well that that certain part of life has went and gone and will never come back. we acknowledge the joys it has given us, as well as the changes it has brought about in us. we are even thankful for it, admitting that we have become better persons because of such an experience. then, we finally send it off. with a bang, of course.

how do you send off a memory? burn it? oh no, there's no need to trouble the air and ozone layer. leo dicaprio would kill me! throw it in the trash? how unceremonious! no memory deserves such treatment. bury it in the yard? perhaps. but we didn't have a shovel. throw it into the forest? perfect. it'll never be found. and, it makes for good fertilizer ;) no forests in UP Manila though. we'll have to settle for a suitable alternative. and so, after discovering a hopefully deserted and hidden bush, we said a prayer. for him who was loved, that he may be blessed with a good life and the right person. for her who loved, that she may meet her soulmate, if it is in God's plan, and glorify Him in their relationship and service. for her who helped, that she and her GG may have a love that truly pleases the Father. then i breathe deeply, transfer all y energy to my right arm, and toss the memory as far away as i can. my friend and i look at each other, smile, then breathe sighs of relief. it was in me all along--that ability to provide closure, to open a new chapter in my life. no one can push us to or prevent us from doing so except for ourselves. now i know...and i am satisfied.

we return to CN and start reminiscing about the darker times (aka non-YFC days), and comparing our old selves with the individuals we are today. we had to sacrifice many things, including friendships, for YFC. but in the end, we found that it was in giving these up that we were better able to appreciate them. and not meaning to plug, but we both agreed that if there was one thing that changed us the most (in a good way), it was YFC. we never thought we'd be part of it. indeed, we didn't think so highly of it back then. now, we finally believe that everything is right where it should be, that we experienced the things we went through for a reason, a plan. for few are chosen among the many who are called. it is a privilege, a blessing to be who we are now and we both look toward the nearing horizon with optimism and a sense of purpose and meaning.

***kilig moments. we talked about stages (haha) and me praying for my future GG. we also talked about waiting, not for the proper time, but for ourselves. anyway, i really have a good feeling about him. we're not very close and don't know each other well at all but i just sense something in him. maybe it's infatuation. but i somehow have an unexplainable conviction that it isn't just. i pray so.

yellow bells, red bricks, and a golden sky

sometimes we get so accustomed to this world we live in that we fail to acknowledge its wonders. as i entered through the gate, i noticed for the first time that there was a quaint overgrowth of yellow bells in our pocket garden, the vines of which were hanging down from the makeshift trellis, providing for an enchantingly inviting frame to the red bricks and french windows of my house. indeed, we have become so engrossed in all our problems, schedules, and such mundane necessities that we have forgotten to appreciate the true essence of life on earth which is living it--breathing in every moment and being grateful to the heavens that such wonders and privileges have been entrusted to us.

i admit that i have been so preoccupied with things which, in such a brief second, have become insignificant. this longing in my heart for a companion who would love me as much as every individual deserves to be loved is, perhaps temporarily, a thing of the past. for i have found solace in God's beauty and in my spirit's own; and reassurance in His perfect timing. there is so much captivating beauty surrounding me that i now realize what a true waste it would be to dwell on the past or even try to foretell the future. i know not what the future will be for me, but there is certainty in the belief that it will be bright, breathtaking--like the first star to light up the gray night sky, or the first streaks of pink and gold at the break of dawn.

resurrection

i'm alive!!! haha. well, i hope. haven't blogged for quite some time now...sorry guys. i know school isn't much of an excuse, especially since i don't exactly devote my waking hours to it. haha. i guess, i sort of lost track of the important things. and yes, blogging is one of them. why, you ask? well, i believe that sharing one's experiences and learnings with others plays a significant role in shaping and improving the world we live in. we can choose different ways of expressing our insights...it can be through film, music, visual art, dance, essays, poems, fiction even! always remember that what you have in mind is most likely worth sharing. and it can do a bit of good too! go, world peace!!! heehee.