came from CORE meeting a while ago. i thought it was HH so i was pretty excited. but then, the hidden motives of my very pasaway President were revealed (haha. kidding eric). so we had a meeting about a formal integration of GK and YFC at last, and this new project will be starting in Central C! can you believe it? i'm really excited about the coming year :)
in the past weeks service has been kind of dry for me and it was only last night that i discovered the reason behind this phenomenon: i've been so used to YFC that i've forgotten to see the bigger picture. week after week, it has been the same, if not worse, in my opinion. still no consistent households, even for the execom. no prayer meetings or worships, and it's been really frustrating to see YFC in UPM spiral down to its current condition. and i realized last night that we have been stagnant for quite some time, perhaps not because we've become less dedicated to our service, but we've taken for granted the true essence of being YFCs, of being God's chosen people.
we're not just in YFC to learn about God, to worship Him, form a spiritual family in our campus, love our own families and friends and help one another out. we're supposed to go beyond that, supposed to serve those whom we don't know, those who really need it, knowing that we may get nothing in return.
thank you Father for you have revealed your great plan to us: You're going to use us to let the whole world know of and realize your great love for every single one of us. it's a lot of work, but with You, anything is possible. Lord, please continue to give us strength, faith, grace, wisdom, and perseverance to fulfill our purposes in life.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
escape
right now...
i need to get out of this place. bad energy. it really makes my blood curdle. very unconducive to good things, to productivity, to happiness. need to pray about it. but at the same time...need to get out...
i need to get out of this place. bad energy. it really makes my blood curdle. very unconducive to good things, to productivity, to happiness. need to pray about it. but at the same time...need to get out...
Friday, November 30, 2007
beauty in simplicity
no duty today because of the wannabe coup. poor Manila Pen. anyway, i'm actually quite said that there isn't night duty today because i was really looking forward to being with one of the nurses @ 7RCB. i'm quite infatuated with her (not in the weird way. haha). it's just that i don't know many people like her. she's simple, intelligent, responsible, kind, supportive, and trusting. she doesn't bitch about other people, doesn't gossip at all. if she can't say anything nice, she still doesn't speak ill of others, even when they are perhaps deserving. she's not boring, yet she doesn't overpower with her personality. at duty, she really shows that she is a nurse, above everything. she doesn't try to grab attention with her silly antics, much unlike myself. she really knows that it's not about her, and i think that is so uncommon these days; we tend to make everything about ourselves. but no, not her. there is true beauty in her simplicity and dedication, and i really admire that. i hope that one day, the same can be said about myself.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
brighter!
Lord, thank you for making the prayer meeting a success. there were a few glitches, but all the essentials were there and that is more than enough. Father, i really realized a lot from worship: that you brought me here to help cure the pains and hurts of the people. that you don't want me to be perfect but are asking me to try and do my best. i'm so lucky because you are in my life, you are the meaning and purpose of my existence.
a quote from a good friend:
"Life is really not perfect. but it can be more than perfect depending on how you look at it."
true.
a quote from a good friend:
"Life is really not perfect. but it can be more than perfect depending on how you look at it."
true.
Friday, November 09, 2007
sensibilities
| SONNET 116 |
|---|
| Let me not to the marriage of true minds |
| Admit impediments. Love is not love |
| Which alters when it alteration finds, |
| Or bends with the remover to remove: |
| O no! it is an ever-fixed mark |
| That looks on tempests and is never shaken; |
| It is the star to every wandering bark, |
| Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. |
| Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks |
| Within his bending sickle's compass come: |
| Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, |
| But bears it out even to the edge of doom. |
| If this be error and upon me proved, |
| I never writ, nor no man ever loved. |
Thursday, November 08, 2007
just the one
Lord, i kn0w that there's a reason you separated me from my HH. i've realized that they are my only really close friends and perhaps it is time i form more meaningful relationships with others. it's time i opened up to them, please you through these relationships, tell more people about you and show them how great you are. it's also a challenge to improve myself, to become more acceptable and lovable without changing my essence; to do away with the awful imperfections but keep the quirks which distinguish myself from others. i hope to glorify you, Father. i'm quite terrified of what's to come, but i know that if i just learn to trust you, everything will be where it should be.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
iCry
i'm sorry if i burst out on you, ma. but right now, i am hurting because of you guys. i think i may never look at you the same way again. i think a part of me has forever given you up, my family; has stopped hoping for your love, believing i will never receive it. i feel your love for me right now is more of a fulfillment of duty. there is no affection, no understanding, no acceptance.
oh, i pray to God that it won't be a vicious cycle. man, i've got a lot of guesswork and trial&error phases when i have my own family. please, let me be a loving person. please give me the strength and grace to love unconditionally. right now, i can't even look at my mother nor speak two words to her. literally. it's difficult because the selfish part of me is no longer willing to love them as much, knowing that i most probably love them more than they love me. and usually, that shouldn't be the case, right? it should be equal. or isn't there a saying that nobody can beat a mother's love? well..i just found a family to disprove that theory. Father, please heal me. allow the hurt to go away. i know that eventually i will have to love them without expecting or demanding anything in return. it's how You were to us, after all.
oh, i pray to God that it won't be a vicious cycle. man, i've got a lot of guesswork and trial&error phases when i have my own family. please, let me be a loving person. please give me the strength and grace to love unconditionally. right now, i can't even look at my mother nor speak two words to her. literally. it's difficult because the selfish part of me is no longer willing to love them as much, knowing that i most probably love them more than they love me. and usually, that shouldn't be the case, right? it should be equal. or isn't there a saying that nobody can beat a mother's love? well..i just found a family to disprove that theory. Father, please heal me. allow the hurt to go away. i know that eventually i will have to love them without expecting or demanding anything in return. it's how You were to us, after all.
it pains me that i have to ask
all my life, i've had to ask for things to get them. i've almost always been the one to initiate things...like a little girl who has to ask for a Christmas present. and sometimes, she gets what she asked for. there have also been more insulting moments when she doesn't. but what she really longs for is something that cannot be bought or requested. what she wants is for just one person to know her well enough, to love her enough so that that person would willingly give something to her, something sincere, true, beautiful. somethings she doesn't have to ask for...i just want to be loved in such a way that i do not have to ask someone to love me. we all want to be understood, to be loved...and we all deserve to be so.
the giving tree
pardon my selfishness and immaturity, Father. right now i'm frustrated at both myself and my parents. i might just be jealous because i don't get the luxuries i want and am really frustrated because they give him everything when he doesn't even work his ass off for it. he just has to whine a little bit, let out a few tears...and i, no matter how much i try, will never be able to completely please them! they will never appreciate what i do or accomplish. it's just frustrating! and the fact that they deny treating him with a lot more favor infuriates me and makes me want to bang my head on the wall a couple million times. i hate that they make excuses for their behavior. they are parents, adults! they should know better. no consistency and logic in child-rearing at all (i know, it's a miracle i'm this fabulous). i just had to get away because i might burst and no matter how rational my defense would be, they'd just find a way to turn it around and make me look like the lone psycho. and you know what? i am! i'm definitely over-acting here. but the thing is, it's been going on for so long, i just can't contain it any more. i know i'm being selfish. it it were Jesus, He'd understand and accept it, do more precious things with his time than mope in the Trinoma foodcourt. i do understand. however, i just can't stop how i'm feeling at the moment. at least i made some effort to be decent and avoid conflict by getting away, right? i just want to cry. because i hate knowing that i am less loved, less appreciated by my own parents. but even though this is so, i thank You, Lord, for reminding me that You are with me, that You love me unconditionally and equally among my brothers and sisters. i find peace knowing that. and yes, i do long for even just one person, someone who will love me in the way that i know i deserve to be loved. but for now, Your love is more than sufficient.
Captivating
"a woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become"
i've realized that one thing that hinders my relationships with other people is because i try to change them too much. i think differently and believe i am right so i try hard to convert other people's beliefs and ideas as well. good intentions, yes. but perhaps the wrong approach. say your peace then stop, Kat. don't force it unless entirely necessary. maybe, in time, you'll both discover the answer.
i've realized that one thing that hinders my relationships with other people is because i try to change them too much. i think differently and believe i am right so i try hard to convert other people's beliefs and ideas as well. good intentions, yes. but perhaps the wrong approach. say your peace then stop, Kat. don't force it unless entirely necessary. maybe, in time, you'll both discover the answer.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
a prayer, a friend, and a million raindrops
i spent a few hours with a friend today. we had merienda, worked on a paper that will change the world, kidded with a brother, pretended to be pirates journeying across the vast ocean (pedro gil) in our so-called black pearl (a pedicab). then, we took turns playing amanda bynes on "the girls' room", minus the million or so 'whatevers'. also, i guess you could say we were a tad more serious. here are some insights...
it is hard to let go. sometimes, we've grown to love someone so much that we don't care if they don't love us back; we end up hoping for even the slightest sign indicating that there is still a way to rekindle the fire. we hold on to the memorabilia, acknowledging that there has been some kind of sentimental significance in such things as letters, ribbons, petals, or guitar strings. but sometimes, we also need to come into terms with the realization that locking these things up, hiding them in boxes, may hinder us from truly moving on. sometimes we just have to let go, knowing fully well that that certain part of life has went and gone and will never come back. we acknowledge the joys it has given us, as well as the changes it has brought about in us. we are even thankful for it, admitting that we have become better persons because of such an experience. then, we finally send it off. with a bang, of course.
how do you send off a memory? burn it? oh no, there's no need to trouble the air and ozone layer. leo dicaprio would kill me! throw it in the trash? how unceremonious! no memory deserves such treatment. bury it in the yard? perhaps. but we didn't have a shovel. throw it into the forest? perfect. it'll never be found. and, it makes for good fertilizer ;) no forests in UP Manila though. we'll have to settle for a suitable alternative. and so, after discovering a hopefully deserted and hidden bush, we said a prayer. for him who was loved, that he may be blessed with a good life and the right person. for her who loved, that she may meet her soulmate, if it is in God's plan, and glorify Him in their relationship and service. for her who helped, that she and her GG may have a love that truly pleases the Father. then i breathe deeply, transfer all y energy to my right arm, and toss the memory as far away as i can. my friend and i look at each other, smile, then breathe sighs of relief. it was in me all along--that ability to provide closure, to open a new chapter in my life. no one can push us to or prevent us from doing so except for ourselves. now i know...and i am satisfied.
we return to CN and start reminiscing about the darker times (aka non-YFC days), and comparing our old selves with the individuals we are today. we had to sacrifice many things, including friendships, for YFC. but in the end, we found that it was in giving these up that we were better able to appreciate them. and not meaning to plug, but we both agreed that if there was one thing that changed us the most (in a good way), it was YFC. we never thought we'd be part of it. indeed, we didn't think so highly of it back then. now, we finally believe that everything is right where it should be, that we experienced the things we went through for a reason, a plan. for few are chosen among the many who are called. it is a privilege, a blessing to be who we are now and we both look toward the nearing horizon with optimism and a sense of purpose and meaning.
***kilig moments. we talked about stages (haha) and me praying for my future GG. we also talked about waiting, not for the proper time, but for ourselves. anyway, i really have a good feeling about him. we're not very close and don't know each other well at all but i just sense something in him. maybe it's infatuation. but i somehow have an unexplainable conviction that it isn't just. i pray so.
it is hard to let go. sometimes, we've grown to love someone so much that we don't care if they don't love us back; we end up hoping for even the slightest sign indicating that there is still a way to rekindle the fire. we hold on to the memorabilia, acknowledging that there has been some kind of sentimental significance in such things as letters, ribbons, petals, or guitar strings. but sometimes, we also need to come into terms with the realization that locking these things up, hiding them in boxes, may hinder us from truly moving on. sometimes we just have to let go, knowing fully well that that certain part of life has went and gone and will never come back. we acknowledge the joys it has given us, as well as the changes it has brought about in us. we are even thankful for it, admitting that we have become better persons because of such an experience. then, we finally send it off. with a bang, of course.
how do you send off a memory? burn it? oh no, there's no need to trouble the air and ozone layer. leo dicaprio would kill me! throw it in the trash? how unceremonious! no memory deserves such treatment. bury it in the yard? perhaps. but we didn't have a shovel. throw it into the forest? perfect. it'll never be found. and, it makes for good fertilizer ;) no forests in UP Manila though. we'll have to settle for a suitable alternative. and so, after discovering a hopefully deserted and hidden bush, we said a prayer. for him who was loved, that he may be blessed with a good life and the right person. for her who loved, that she may meet her soulmate, if it is in God's plan, and glorify Him in their relationship and service. for her who helped, that she and her GG may have a love that truly pleases the Father. then i breathe deeply, transfer all y energy to my right arm, and toss the memory as far away as i can. my friend and i look at each other, smile, then breathe sighs of relief. it was in me all along--that ability to provide closure, to open a new chapter in my life. no one can push us to or prevent us from doing so except for ourselves. now i know...and i am satisfied.
we return to CN and start reminiscing about the darker times (aka non-YFC days), and comparing our old selves with the individuals we are today. we had to sacrifice many things, including friendships, for YFC. but in the end, we found that it was in giving these up that we were better able to appreciate them. and not meaning to plug, but we both agreed that if there was one thing that changed us the most (in a good way), it was YFC. we never thought we'd be part of it. indeed, we didn't think so highly of it back then. now, we finally believe that everything is right where it should be, that we experienced the things we went through for a reason, a plan. for few are chosen among the many who are called. it is a privilege, a blessing to be who we are now and we both look toward the nearing horizon with optimism and a sense of purpose and meaning.
***kilig moments. we talked about stages (haha) and me praying for my future GG. we also talked about waiting, not for the proper time, but for ourselves. anyway, i really have a good feeling about him. we're not very close and don't know each other well at all but i just sense something in him. maybe it's infatuation. but i somehow have an unexplainable conviction that it isn't just. i pray so.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
skeletons
i'm in a good mood right now. in pyjamas, on my bed, listening to "dreaming" and "feel good" music, snacking on dried mangoes, writing in my journal. yep, this is a perfect moment. except...there is an old gray umbrella and 21 undelivered letters hidden in my closet.
yellow bells, red bricks, and a golden sky
sometimes we get so accustomed to this world we live in that we fail to acknowledge its wonders. as i entered through the gate, i noticed for the first time that there was a quaint overgrowth of yellow bells in our pocket garden, the vines of which were hanging down from the makeshift trellis, providing for an enchantingly inviting frame to the red bricks and french windows of my house. indeed, we have become so engrossed in all our problems, schedules, and such mundane necessities that we have forgotten to appreciate the true essence of life on earth which is living it--breathing in every moment and being grateful to the heavens that such wonders and privileges have been entrusted to us.
i admit that i have been so preoccupied with things which, in such a brief second, have become insignificant. this longing in my heart for a companion who would love me as much as every individual deserves to be loved is, perhaps temporarily, a thing of the past. for i have found solace in God's beauty and in my spirit's own; and reassurance in His perfect timing. there is so much captivating beauty surrounding me that i now realize what a true waste it would be to dwell on the past or even try to foretell the future. i know not what the future will be for me, but there is certainty in the belief that it will be bright, breathtaking--like the first star to light up the gray night sky, or the first streaks of pink and gold at the break of dawn.
i admit that i have been so preoccupied with things which, in such a brief second, have become insignificant. this longing in my heart for a companion who would love me as much as every individual deserves to be loved is, perhaps temporarily, a thing of the past. for i have found solace in God's beauty and in my spirit's own; and reassurance in His perfect timing. there is so much captivating beauty surrounding me that i now realize what a true waste it would be to dwell on the past or even try to foretell the future. i know not what the future will be for me, but there is certainty in the belief that it will be bright, breathtaking--like the first star to light up the gray night sky, or the first streaks of pink and gold at the break of dawn.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
surf's up!
PJ Valenciano: pssst
PJ Valenciano: kat??
PJ Valenciano: hahahaha
me: yep?
PJ Valenciano: sama ka surfing
me: kelan ba?! may pasok pa ko eh..cge!
PJ Valenciano: hahahaha
PJ Valenciano: parang tuloy na sila sa october
PJ Valenciano: eh
PJ Valenciano: madami dami na tayo
PJ Valenciano: woohoooooooooooooo
me: october 12 ata last day ko
PJ Valenciano: excited ka?
me: sa surfing o sa end ng pasukan? haha
PJ Valenciano: sa surfing at sa end ng pasukan
PJ Valenciano: hahahahahaha
me: yep!
PJ Valenciano: kat??
PJ Valenciano: hahahaha
me: yep?
PJ Valenciano: sama ka surfing
me: kelan ba?! may pasok pa ko eh..cge!
PJ Valenciano: hahahaha
PJ Valenciano: parang tuloy na sila sa october
PJ Valenciano: eh
PJ Valenciano: madami dami na tayo
PJ Valenciano: woohoooooooooooooo
me: october 12 ata last day ko
PJ Valenciano: excited ka?
me: sa surfing o sa end ng pasukan? haha
PJ Valenciano: sa surfing at sa end ng pasukan
PJ Valenciano: hahahahahaha
me: yep!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
S.O.S
help! i'm desperately in need of a terno. our theme for the editorial board shoot for our yearbook is filipiniana (because we'll be graduating in UP's centennial year). can you believe, malapit na tau mag graduate!?! *crosses fingers* haha. anyway, back to the point, any ideas? do you guys know anyone from whom i could borrow/rent a terno? i want to look really nice because this is something my descendants will be looking (and laughing) at a thousand years from now. haha. keep in mind the size, though. haha. anyway, i need it before october 7th (that's the day of the shoot). so help me out guys! :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
grad pic!!
okay. shooting for grad pic is probably a month away. help me decide! you can vote for two themes, okiesh? which fits me?! (okaay. my narcissistic side is starting to show, i'm afraid)
resurrection
i'm alive!!! haha. well, i hope. haven't blogged for quite some time now...sorry guys. i know school isn't much of an excuse, especially since i don't exactly devote my waking hours to it. haha. i guess, i sort of lost track of the important things. and yes, blogging is one of them. why, you ask? well, i believe that sharing one's experiences and learnings with others plays a significant role in shaping and improving the world we live in. we can choose different ways of expressing our insights...it can be through film, music, visual art, dance, essays, poems, fiction even! always remember that what you have in mind is most likely worth sharing. and it can do a bit of good too! go, world peace!!! heehee.
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