Bipolar

You ever get to a point in your life when you feel like you have nothing to live for?  You're not terribly troubled, no.  But you've lost passion for life, and the things you once enjoyed now hold no happiness for you.
This might be one of my greatest fears.  To wake up and neither dread nor look forward to anything that would happen that day.  To wake up and just go through the motions.  To have everything yet dream of nothing.  To be a zombie.

And this was exactly how i felt just a couple of days ago.  Blame it on PMS (that's pre-menstrual syndrome, for you boys out there), on an almost impossible amount of work that left this responsible girl feeling guilty during the few times she'd take breaks to have bits of heart-to-hearts with friends, on missed opportunities, on seemingly irreparable relationships, on unattainable dreams.  Blame it on everyone and everything except the actual culprit.

So what do you do when you've deluded yourself into thinking that life has lost its meaning?  Do you give up in the way you know how?  Numb yourself with an overdose of material riches--gadgets, shoes, cars, stuffed toys even?  Pretend like everything's just peachy?  Take it out on the people around you?  End your life and, with it, the disappointment and misery?

I've been to points in my life when I've felt tired and frustrated and just about questioned the meaning of life itself.  But each time, I make the decision to stay and find out.

don't know why...

...i feel empty





but i know that He wants to reveal something to me.  so even these empty, yearning moments are something to cherish.

can you love me falling?

and can i love you falling?

naivete

if he holds your hand, does that mean he loves you?

treasure hunt

find yourself before you start looking for the one.

or find Him before you start looking for him.

just a thought.  i'm 23 years old and most of the people i know are about the same age.  you don't need to have studied Erikson's psychosocial stages to know that intimacy is on the minds of almost everyone (unless they're workaholics, in which case intimacy with their cubicles is more likely the reigning thought). i encounter many conversations revolving around this topic quite often, and that usually tends to suck me into the big black vortex of self-pity at my state of single-hood.

don't get me wrong--dating is fun.  i was exclusively dating someone for 5 months until the last couple of months (that or i may have misconstrued the friendly dates for something more) and i had a blast during those times.   but the truth is, its' not gonna work out if you haven't found yourself, or worse, your God yet.  you'll end up relying on the other person for your happiness and all other sorts of things.  and if you don't scrutinize the relationship deep enough, you'll have dug your own graves before you know it, and you'll be in too deep to climb out.

this is a reminder to put first things FIRST.  search for God first. date Him first. make Him your lover first.  then everything will fall into its proper place (though probably not all at the same time, mind you).

snail

do you ever feel like you have problems that you've been trying to solve for centuries but the solutions seem to come at a snail's pace?

this is how i feel about my family.  sometimes i start to doubt whether things will ever work out.  sometimes i wonder if giving up my service would make it easier for the rest of my family.  i'd do it, if that's what it took.  but above all, i wonder if it's more important for the Lord that i persevere in this mission or that i focus all my energies on my family instead.

i'm a wonder girl.

is this a ranting blog?

i just realized. it seems i go to this page when i have something i need to get off my chest but can't yet find a living thing to offload my frustrations unto. so here i go again!

i'm feeling a bit left out.  everybody is at this training event and will be there for a few more days.  they're all posting on FB about how incredible the experience is.  i've heard them all talk before about how this annual program really brings them closer to each other.  and i feel left out because i've never been to it.  i know i'm not technically a part of the core group which attends the event, but only because i missed the training.  yet i know in my heart that i serve just as much.  everybody keeps telling me that "parang MV ka na rin".  but then i'm not treated in the same way.  i want to serve and i want to get to know these people better too.  i'm terribly curious about what happens inside that house! i just don't understand why i have to be left out because of a mere technicality and why nobody ever bothered to help clarify this.

it's probably my fault too.  when i got that message about the training more than a year ago, i should've asked them what it was for and what it's implications were, instead of just shrugging it off.  but why am i so fixated on this?  does it mean that much to me?