can you love me falling?

and can i love you falling?

the Boss and the Creation Paradigm

Lord, i don't know what to do with my life! well, actually, i do.  i know why i'm here, i know what i'm supposed to do--i just can't seem to find a way to do it!

i know i need to wait patiently, graciously for You.  i know Your help will come.  i just wanted to tell you how i felt.  but even if i don't know precisely what will happen today or tomorrow or next month or next year, i am certain that You are always Boss, and You will always have your kids' backs.

***after writing this in my journal 12 seconds ago, i suddenly remembered something i learned back in college--arguably one of THE most important lessons, actually.  my professor refers to it as the Creation Paradigm.  she taught me not to settle for what seems possible or feasible, but to do whatever it takes to make the impossible dream a reality.  to create our perfect world.  that's what You and i are gonna do, right? ;)

the plunge

a while ago, i was chatting with my sister about the recent events back at home, when our conversation inadvertently led to a discussion about our future career plans.  my sister is making quite a living as a CPA in the Caribbean but plans to return to her big love--culinary arts--mid-2011.  i'm sure that although she finds auditing interesting, nothing beats cooking and eating in her book, and i think it's only natural for her to finally yield to the desires of her heart, especially now that she's much much more financially stable. 

i, on the other hand, find myself at a forked road.  indeed, for years now, i have merely stood at the bifurcation, torn between the various and incredibly opposing choices towering over me.  i have gone only as far as taking a few steps down one road, only to run back to the middle and try the other one, before going back again.  i have been shuffling, yes, and now find that all my efforts and energy was ill-spent, since i am more or less still at the place where i was before.

i don't know if i'm surprised to find that i am still afraid, to be honest.  even after so many debates and pep talks, tears and prayers and unbearably uncomfortable moments, i still keep looking back--i still can't let go.  or maybe i've chosen the road to take after all, and it has led shortly to a cliff that i must jump off of.  gruesome images of my head hitting the rocks, of drowning, of sharks gnawing my bony limbs enter my mind. so maybe i'll crawl towards the edge first, then just contentedly sit there and dangle my legs.  i desensitize myself to that feeling of not having any ground under one's feet, trying to enjoy being in between two worlds at one moment.  i lie down, feet still dangling over the cliff, and i savor how the jagged rocks cut through my back, how the sky looks as the clouds and the light play with each other, how the air cools my skin, and how the sun warms my face and blinds my eyes.  i listen to nothing, then to everything--to the sound of giant waves crashing against solid rock; to the flock of birds that pass by above; to the calming wind;  and to my own deep breaths. 

i stay here for some time--for as long as i need to.  i stay here until i cannot stand it any longer.  then, i get up.  i turn 360 degrees, trying to take in everything.  i scuffle slowly, slowly, carefully, towards the edge.  i utter a quick, urgent prayer.  i take a huge breath.  and then...

i take the plunge.

PS - if i were ever brave enough to jump of a real cliff and not merely a metaphorical one (although there is nothing mere about even a metaphorical cliff, when you think about it), this seems like a lovely choice, don't you agree? mind you, i'd have to travel all the way to Ireland just to do so.  maybe there are more feasible options in Batanes or Palawan :)

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland

debate

CHASING PAVEMENTS

I've made up my mind
No need to think it over
If I'm wrong I ain't right
No need to look no further
This ain't lust
This is love but

If I tell the world
I'll never say enough
Because it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I'm in love with you

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I'd build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?



**this is a few years old.  i've always really liked this song but never gave a thought to what it meant.  then i started singing it in my head a while ago and started to realize that this is how i'm feeling at the very moment.  i feel like this right now towards two aspects of my life. i really need to shake this off.

midnight at Krispy Kreme

it is midnight and i am waiting for my dad to pick me up at Gateway.  just finished yet another rehearsal for Saturday's Pintigan workshop recital.  i think i've been so preoccupied and stressed with this whole dream thing that it is entirely possible and probable that i've lost sight of my real mission in life.  no, it isn't to act, be on stage or at the center of everyone's attention.  it's not to become admired by the public nor to earn a ridiculously huge amount of money that can be used to supplement the many needs of my anemic wardrobe and personal desk at home.

why am i doing this?

i want to tell stories.  and not just to the people i know, but to the people who need to hear them.  i want to write.  i want to inhabit and portray all the exquisite human beings out there.  i want to dance.  i want to sing.  i want to create films and art and great literature.  anything!!! i just want to reach out to Your people, to my brothers and sisters.  i want to share Your love and message of salvation.  that is why i am doing this.

but to achieve that, i need to study and keep learning and practicing, as i am trying to do so now.  yesterday, a cry of desperation escaped from my throat, because there were so many criticisms and i felt slightly as if i weren't good enough for this, that i didn't have what it takes and had better figure out a different way to achieve my goal.  the day before, i somehow internally blamed my parents for my extreme self-consciousness and low self-esteem and, though there may be a point to the argument, i know better now.  i know that it is entirely up to me to take the steps to address this problem.  i need to truly believe that God's sufficiency allows me to be self-sufficient as well.  "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."  if i don't, then the blame for continuing to reside in the shadow will rest wholly on me.

You are what enables me to do anything and everything.  and it is also for You that i want to do these things.

hello God

can you hear me? i really miss you.  i wish i could just feel again the magnitude of your love, feel in my very bones the truth that it alone is all i need.  because at this moment, it is but my faith that keeps me from letting go;  my emotions are trying to deceive me into thinking otherwise.  i am lonely. or alone.  i don't know the difference anymore.  it is as if sorrow is seeping into the spaces in my body where blood and fluid should be.  i sometimes feel like giving up.  i am in the blackest of tunnels and it feels like there is no end in sight.  i am almost losing hope that i shall ever get a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, if ever there is one at all.

my family is messed up but none of s either know how to fix things or is willing to go through hell for trying.  i am starting to doubt if the career i'd like to pursue, the career i think you want for me, is really what i should be working for, if only because i'm not showing much progress nor potential at the moment.  and i still see no prospect of meeting someone i can spend my life with.  to make things worse, i am unable to share your word and carry out my daily mission effectively.

i feel like i have made a garbage dump of things, somehow.  and i don't know if i can clean it up or, indeed, if anyone can.  can You? would You please?

graying

i had a great time at the Fresh party last night.  i really enjoyed seeing all the friends i made in YFC Campus, especially since i hadn't gone to any of the meetings and other events in a long time.  however, it did get me thinking that perhaps i was getting too old for this.  not for God, of course not.  not for sharing His word. not for forming deep relationships with other people. just for doing so in this medium, i guess.  the party, the music, the dancing, the prizes, the grandness of it all.i don't know why but it almost seemed impersonal.  or perhaps that was just me.  maybe that was further emphasized by the fact that i hardly knew anyone there anymore.  working in YFC requires really getting to know and even being intimate with so many people.  i enjoy that but i've never been the best at it.  sometimes i feel i do them an injustice by being the way i am--i forget names easily and take some time before i can really warm up to others.  there's the rare person whom i immediately form a connection with, but sometimes, i just have difficulty getting it going.

i love You, Lord, You know that.  and there is absolutely nothing i love more than doing my best to obey Your will and share Your love with other people.  right now, i'm just confused with how best to do that.  i hope You can help me figure it out.

phew!! (finally, a more serious post)

the last three weeks has just been an incredible whirlwind of events and emotions--i'm still reeling from it all, albeit in a good way.  i'm so happy!  i don't quite know where to start because there is just so much that has happened.  all i know is, i'm so grateful to You, Lord.  i know that regardless of whether incredible things are happening in my life or not, i should be thankful--and i am.  i have You.  i have more than anything i could possibly need.  i have Your love and the love of the people around me.

these days i feel as if You're especially encouraging me.  i hope my instinct is right. there are days when i am really tired, and there are plenty of awkward and difficult moments these past weeks as well.  but i like to think that i did what i could to make You proud of me, and so i can somehow be of service to You, however minutely or indirectly.  i feel that it would be a disservice to not maximize every ounce of what You have given me to use for the greater good.  enough isn't enough anymore.  i have to exhaust myself for You.  and that is what i want to do and am trying to do.  i know You'll always be with me, You'll always guide me and drive me to do what is right.  and i hope that i may always have Your grace and Spirit to enable me to obey your wise words at all times as well.

this is my inspiration these last few weeks:
"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint."  --Romans 5:5

from the depths

i've been stressing and doubting and downing myself lately. but now i realize that God is and will forvermore be with me at all times.  His words, His hands reach out to me from everywhere, literally, and through every channel.

the following is taken from the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional last May 28, 2010

God often lets problems become impossibilities

by Rick Warren

"At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (PH)


When the pursuit of your dream deteriorates from difficult to impossible; when the situation looks hopeless, congratulations! You're in good company.

Even Paul went through dead ends: "At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 PH)

If God can raise people physically, he can raise people who are dead emotionally. He can raise a dead marriage. He can resurrect a dead career. He can resurrect you from a health problem. If God can raise the dead, he can do anything.

In Abraham's situation, God said, "I want you to become the father of a nation," but then Abraham had to wait until he was ninety-nine years old before he had his first child. The Bible shows Abraham's situation going from difficult to impossible. He looks at his body and says, "No way!" Then he looks at his wife and says, "Double no way!"

But Sarah got pregnant and they laughed about it. When the baby was born, they named him Isaac, which means laughter.

God often lets problems become impossibilities. The disciples planned to follow Jesus. They thought he was the Messiah, but then the next thing they know Jesus is hanging on the cross, dying. Was this a dead end for the disciples? For three days it seemed that way, but then Jesus walked out of the tomb.

When you face a dead end, you may start asking, "What's going on, God? Did I miss your will? Your plan? Have I missed your vision?" Keep in mind that dead ends are part of God's plan for you.

What's the best response to a dead end? "He has delivered us from such a terrible death, and He will deliver us; we have placed our hope in Him that He will deliver us again." (2 Corinthians 1:10 HCSB)

should i or shouldn't i?

i wrote a letter to my boss as part of the homework she gave us on technical writing.  it's supposed to be about why we should stay on the project (aka employed) but i ended up writing a letter about how i wish she'd replace me instead.  i wrote from the heart.

should i send her that letter or write a fake one on why i should stay hired? i'm not an awful employee so i'm sure i could find something to argue the case--i'm just not sure if i want to....

on one hand, i really can't imagine doing this for a year and one month more.  i feel like i'm wasting my time and energy doing something i have no interest in.  so even if i am gaining some skills, these aren't skills that i want to develop anyway.

but on the other hand, what am i going to do without this job? i guess i could look for a new one, maybe a part-time job, and even study something i actually want to learn in preparation for something that i actually want to do in the future.  i'm just not sure if i am ready for that.

there is also the chance that even if i give the real letter, she won't fire me.  but whenever i see her, i'll know that she knows that i don't really want to be here.  how would that affect the whole situation, i wonder?

defying gravity

while reading a barrage of daily emails, i stumbled across an article on Vanity Fair about Gisele Bundchen.  i was quite in awe at her ability and determination to stay fit and healthy in spite of her pregnancy (look at that body!).  but, more than anything else, i was most inspired by her philanthropic involvements and projects.  she's doing so much for the environment, for the youth, for the poor.  i want to make as much of a good difference as i can too, both in the lives of my loved ones and to the rest of the world.

i remember telling my parents some time ago how i feel it's important to do good now instead of waiting until i'm more successful later on.  i still stand by that statement.  however, i must now add that it's also important to determine how much you can give now without compromising your ability to keep giving later on. what i mean is, you also have to ensure that what you're doing now will not prevent you from accomplishing your mission.  sometimes, even when you're doing good, the overall outcome might not be as great if you had decided to act in a different manner, to go in a different direction.  maybe you're volunteering on the side now but had you focused on a certain thing (still volunteering but mindful of your goals), maybe you would've done more and better in the end.  of course, this doesn't mean you focus on one thing completely and disregard the rest.  the key is prioritizing.  ideally, too, your day job has to have a lot to do with your goals so that you don't have to resort to sidelines for a sens of fulfillment.

that was my issue.  see, YFC was the only major thing that i loved to do and that helped me accomplish my mission.  but now, things are starting to change and be clearer--i'm moving towards a real career, one that i believe was meant for me and the purpose set for me.  i won't have to live through YFC anymore because i somehow have a better idea of how i can accomplish my goal: to dedicate myself wholly to my purpose.  and now i can start taking steps towards that.

of course, i'll still do what's in my ability to help, especially when i'm needed.  ha! i don't know if i will still be needed there--what with all the new MVs; that really makes me happy.  i know that they can go on and do even better in spite of my absence.

now, i need to dedicate myself to fulfilling my purpose and accomplishing my mission.  i need to improve my relationships and learn to be a better and more loving person.  these are things i need to do if i am ever to get to a place where i can help more people and bring them to the Lord.

wish me luck! it's time to fly!

mirrors

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes. i have no idea how i compare to the people who have made it. i have no assurance that i will make it, myself. i have no experience, no education, no recommendation of any kind. i have zip.

all i have are these weak hands, this mediocre brain, this flawed heart.
all i have is a dream, a hope, a passion, a vision.
all i have is the faith that things will work out as they are meant to do so.
all i have is a God whom i trust completely, and who looks out for me at all times.

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes, very much so.
but i cannot let my doubts imprison me any more.
i have to take that step, that leap.
i must walk, decidedly, into the dark abyss of trials and suffering. but i would do so with a ray of light of hope, with faith and gracious uncertainty. with You.

Hello, goodbye.

Saturday, December 5, 2009
the last day of the Philippine Nursing Competitiveness Conference

i learned a lot from the entire PNCC--from organizing the conference to relating with other people. and, more significantly, i realized that the Nursing profession, in my case, is like a scholar or an outstanding charity. there is no doubt that it is important and that it is worth helping. the question this really poses to me is this: how can i help something or someone i care for but am not an expert in? it's much like loving your country--this doesn't ensure that you can be a good President of the Republic of the Philippines, does it?

i am passionate for many things and, among such, the status of health care in the country (and across the globe). i want to do my part to ensure that everyone receives good care, whatever their stature. but i am not much interested in learning the ropes of providing primary health care; i am much more concerned in getting the professionals with healing hands to do that in a manner that will be equitable to all parties.

trying to further the standards and status of health, and nursing in particular, is truly a good and necessary cause--i am just uncertain if this is a cause that i should be working for. it seems that i am not required here, after all. furthermore, i cannot give that which i do not possess--and i definitely do not possess the skills in providing health care.

on a different note, i must say that i applaud the likes of Ma'am Meng, Ma'am Betty, Sir Marco, Sir Ken, and Ma'am Vanne, among others. here is a bunch of accomplished professionals who have kept their integrity intact and who have a sincere concern for the profession and those practicing it. it is moving to be in the midst of people who are extremely passionate for what they do, people who aren't just looking out for themselves but for others as well. i look at them and am pleased for Philippine Nursing, for there is much hope still. at the same time, i look at them and see that i do not belong here. i can never have that kind of love for this profession, and i feel it would be an injustice to all parties if i were to stay. good intentions can only go so far for, though i wish that i love Nursing the way they do, i am honest in saying that i do not. i love it in a sense that truly, from the deepest recesses of my heart, i want it to do splendidly. i love it in the sense that i am even willing to give of myself to help its cause, had i the brains or hands to do so. but i am not the best nor the right person to do such a thing.

i was made for something else, something equally worth fighting, living, and dying for.