Bipolar

You ever get to a point in your life when you feel like you have nothing to live for?  You're not terribly troubled, no.  But you've lost passion for life, and the things you once enjoyed now hold no happiness for you.
This might be one of my greatest fears.  To wake up and neither dread nor look forward to anything that would happen that day.  To wake up and just go through the motions.  To have everything yet dream of nothing.  To be a zombie.

And this was exactly how i felt just a couple of days ago.  Blame it on PMS (that's pre-menstrual syndrome, for you boys out there), on an almost impossible amount of work that left this responsible girl feeling guilty during the few times she'd take breaks to have bits of heart-to-hearts with friends, on missed opportunities, on seemingly irreparable relationships, on unattainable dreams.  Blame it on everyone and everything except the actual culprit.

So what do you do when you've deluded yourself into thinking that life has lost its meaning?  Do you give up in the way you know how?  Numb yourself with an overdose of material riches--gadgets, shoes, cars, stuffed toys even?  Pretend like everything's just peachy?  Take it out on the people around you?  End your life and, with it, the disappointment and misery?

I've been to points in my life when I've felt tired and frustrated and just about questioned the meaning of life itself.  But each time, I make the decision to stay and find out.

snail

do you ever feel like you have problems that you've been trying to solve for centuries but the solutions seem to come at a snail's pace?

this is how i feel about my family.  sometimes i start to doubt whether things will ever work out.  sometimes i wonder if giving up my service would make it easier for the rest of my family.  i'd do it, if that's what it took.  but above all, i wonder if it's more important for the Lord that i persevere in this mission or that i focus all my energies on my family instead.

i'm a wonder girl.

is this a ranting blog?

i just realized. it seems i go to this page when i have something i need to get off my chest but can't yet find a living thing to offload my frustrations unto. so here i go again!

i'm feeling a bit left out.  everybody is at this training event and will be there for a few more days.  they're all posting on FB about how incredible the experience is.  i've heard them all talk before about how this annual program really brings them closer to each other.  and i feel left out because i've never been to it.  i know i'm not technically a part of the core group which attends the event, but only because i missed the training.  yet i know in my heart that i serve just as much.  everybody keeps telling me that "parang MV ka na rin".  but then i'm not treated in the same way.  i want to serve and i want to get to know these people better too.  i'm terribly curious about what happens inside that house! i just don't understand why i have to be left out because of a mere technicality and why nobody ever bothered to help clarify this.

it's probably my fault too.  when i got that message about the training more than a year ago, i should've asked them what it was for and what it's implications were, instead of just shrugging it off.  but why am i so fixated on this?  does it mean that much to me?

the Boss and the Creation Paradigm

Lord, i don't know what to do with my life! well, actually, i do.  i know why i'm here, i know what i'm supposed to do--i just can't seem to find a way to do it!

i know i need to wait patiently, graciously for You.  i know Your help will come.  i just wanted to tell you how i felt.  but even if i don't know precisely what will happen today or tomorrow or next month or next year, i am certain that You are always Boss, and You will always have your kids' backs.

***after writing this in my journal 12 seconds ago, i suddenly remembered something i learned back in college--arguably one of THE most important lessons, actually.  my professor refers to it as the Creation Paradigm.  she taught me not to settle for what seems possible or feasible, but to do whatever it takes to make the impossible dream a reality.  to create our perfect world.  that's what You and i are gonna do, right? ;)

eleven days

there are only 11 days til this year ends and another one begins.  11 days!!! 353 1/2 days have gone by completely, and pretty quick too;  i'm sure the next handful will be like a whirlwind that sweeps us off our feet and leaves us in a tangled daze afterwards.  i have eleven days to make sure i look back at his year with a fond smile instead of bitter regrets.

it's funny how the things that happened at the start and during the middle of the year do not seem to be as significant as those that happened only recentl or are about to happen soon.  whis is that so?  why is there an immense amount of importance and meaning attached to how things end?  maybe it's the idea of being given second chances.  maybe it's because it's at the end that our hoping pays off and our faithfulness is rewarded.  maybe it's about rising above the situations faced, no matter how wretched.  maybe it's about being saved.

i have eleven days to make sure that when i talk of this particular year, i can be honest in saying that it was good.  indeed, for the most part, it has been.  i know that my struggles at work have been particularly prominent these last few months and, as such, i tend to believe that has been all hardships all this time.  but that isn't really so...

first, i have gone a few steps further in the pursuit of my calling--faced the truth, taken a class, networked, researched, poured my heart out, did a couple of small projects and vaguely landed myself in some more for the coming year.  there's also the prospect of studying again.  heck, i even (sort of) told my parents!!  and almost all this in the 2nd half of the year alone.

second, i'm slowly starting to realign my life, to focus on the essentials, as opposed to the shiny ornamentations that so many of us have become distracted with.  i'm learning not to rely so much on things to bring me joy, but to find true contentment in every moment regardless of what i have or where i am.

then there's the fact that i'm really learning to open up to more people, as well as try to preserve and deepen the existing relationships i have.  i've rediscovered friends and made new ones from acquaintances and that has been a great source of comfort this past year.  i'm even trying to be much more loving towards my own family, and to open up my heart to them more (even if it means terrible, uncomfortable moments).  and of course, there's You, whom i do try to approach and be intimate with, even if i am unworthy.   i know that i want to please You, be good for You, and accomplish the mission You set out for me to do.

now that i think about it, i don't need eleven days to make this year magical--it already is.  but i do have eleven days to thank the Lord for this year.  eleven days to keep trying to remember the essence of life and love on earth--that i may never forget it in the coming years.

we all have eleven days ;)

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

not against other people, but against wrongs.

slowly, steadily, surely

"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will sure come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3 (LB)

these days, there are two main things that occupy the space between my ears--love and dreams. nary a day goes by that i do not fret about either one of these. i am approximately twenty two years, 9 months, 14 days, and 18 hours old as of this writing, yet i feel as if a better person could have managed to travel farther down the road had she been in my stead. sometimes i wonder if the blame may be placed on me and my human inadequacies. perhaps i am not nearly as lovable as the rest of them; the combination of my character, my history, my environment does not make for a desirable lass. or perhaps i am much more asinine than i think myself to be, and the mistakes that i make as a consequence of such prevent me from landing my rear end on greener pastures or in the arms of Prince Charming or even the hind legs of the Frog Prince, at the very least. perhaps i am overreaching and think too much of myself and my capabilities, when i really have no proof of my talents, no commendation of any sort. maybe i am schizophrenic, and what i perceive to be God's plan and mission for me are, in truth, just delusions of grandeur. and so i walk in unease; i despair.

but this verse gives me hope. not just hope that i am not a lunatic, but hope that God's promise will come true for each and every one of us, including myself. hope and faith that everything is exactly where it ought be, and i am, even now amidst the confusion and difficulties, in the place where i am meant to be for the moment. and i believe that, slowly, steadily, surely, His plans and promises for me will come to pass.

here we go

i chanced upon a friend's blog a while ago and this verse greeted me:

"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast." --Ephesians 2:8-9 (NASB)

he was recalling a specific talk in an event two years ago (the post was also written at that time), and it made me realize how i should really learn to be grateful everyday for what i have and who i am and what i can and can't do.  many times, there is a tendency to try to take matters into my own hands (which is not wholly a bad thing) and getting carried away in the process.  i forget that, in my 22 years of life, not once has doing so incredibly altered my life or that of others for good.  if i have ever done anything worthwhile in my time, it is only because of Him who willed it, He who gave me both the opportunity and the ability to carry it out, however undeserving i am.

the past months, i have been largely preoccupied with career issues and chasing down my dreams of glory and immortality.  not really for money or fame or admiration--no, not anymore.  i just wanted to accomplish something in this lifetime, you know? to have been of some good use during my time on earth.  this longing has consumed me, but not in an entirely positive manner.  i feel that, at times, i have been oblivious to the people and things and events around me, those that truly matter although might not necessarily be directly instrumental in achieving the big dreams and plans i have for saving the world.  i fret too much and fear that, when i pass away, i would have done no one any good.  but now i realize that i have been worrying ceaselessly about things that are beyond my control.  i must not demand nor expect that my frail body, my vacuous mind, and my flawed heart will change the world.  i can only hope and try my best to do what good i can, bearing in mind that whatever little or plenty is accomplished is done so with His grace.

"Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you.  Before you were born, I set you apart for a special work." --Jeremiah 1:5

the first verse will serve to ground in humility, the second to empower.

nevertheless perfect

i was writing in my journal just now, counting the leaves remaining (only 16 left!) until i would have to switch to a new one.  i anticipate that day with both excitement and apprehension.  the former because, well, naturally! haha.  i'm excited because whenever i write in my journal, it usually signifies a strong emotion or insight or idea and, reardless of the mood of the entry, it's still something to be grateful for.  it means i'm alive and i still have the energy to write about all these things, to remind myself later on.  although, at times, the absence of entries can also be a good thing.  i recall moments when i've just been so overwhelmed with activities and what-have-you's (both in a positive and negative sense), that i haven't had the time to write about them.  there is also a slight feeling of apprehension.  right now, it's mainly because i love my golden (literally) journal so much and i know that when the pages are filled, i'll be switching to a simpler, green one.  the latter is a gift from a really good friend, and i really appreciate his gesture.  but the former, a present from my eldest sister last Christmas, just makes me smile every time i take it out of my bag.  it's really a shallow reason but, hey, i'm allowed to be superficial once in a while, right?

while counting the remaining pages, i chanced upon older entries in my journal as well.  sometimes, i like to do a random flip and read whatever is written on that page.  if i like what i read, i'll keep going.  this time, i read my entries from late June 2010 to early July.  they were all so bright and hopeful and positive.  July 8 was even described as a perfect day.  I couldn't help comparing such to my more recent entries, some of which are abundantly peppered with heavy sighs and complaints and uncertain endings. so, i've decided to do something about it.

i declare: this day, and every day hence, will be a perfect day.

nearness

"Where can I run from Your love?"

The song is my inspiration for today.  I hit quite a high the last two weeks that I was bound to return to my bipolar roots one of these days.  Of course, I’m still trying to keep in mind the lessons and realizations and emotions that made me feel so great in the first place, but I cannot really control what happens around me—I can only try to control myself, and even that doesn’t work according to plan most of the time.  Today, for instance, I’m back on the ground and find that I still have to face the same issues that I have been contending with the past few months.  I have a dispassionate relationship with my work and my word is keeping me hostage here.  I have a love-hate relationship with my family.  I am burdened with insecurities and inadequacies.  I am a prisoner of this dark, deeply troubled world.  And though I am so blessed with people who sincerely care for me, I still cannot help feel lonely at one point or another.

Yet, in spite of all this, I have the grace and strength to stay positive.  It's because of You.  No matter what happens, I know You are right beside me.  If I have problems with my relationships, You're always there to hold me tight.  If I feel as if I can no longer stomach the tasks at hand, You cheer me on and find ways to make it worth my while.  When I feel so insufficient, You give me so much, that I may have more than what I need.  When I'm scared and lost, You light the way for me.  When I cannot stand being with myself, You remind me of who I truly am.  You're always here, always near.

Romans 5:5

"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint."

patience, dear.

milestone (and a red box with a puppy on top and letters inside)

thursday all day, while at the BON Nursing Roadmap meeting
friday night, while having Korean dinner with jill, dianne, kara, chen, ginny
saturday super early morning, when i got home
saturday night
sunday morning, noon, and night

i'm sure this doesn't make sense to any of you (indeed if there are any of you reading this), but that's just how i like it.  i just felt the need to shout it out without really explaining what i'm saying.  it's between me and myself.  just help me pray for this, please, whatever it is or isn't :D

hella good

i had a great week and i sure hope this coming one surpasses it! not much has changed, to be honest. but i'm feeling more positive. i'm trying to look at where i am now through a different perspective. i'm trying to go out of my way to spend more quality time with my loved ones, and even get to know people whom i never really cared to hang out with much before. i'm resurrecting my mission to try to bring even a bit of goodness to every interaction. i'm trying to focus on what's really essential in life, and shake off all those worldly distractions.

this generation is so preoccupied with achievements, with results--and i'm no exception. but, thanks to a conversation with a super new friend, i realized that all i really want to accomplish in my life is be at peace with the people i love, and to try to do something good for the universe, even if it were so inconsiderable that no one would know. that's it. i've been trying to live that way the past few days and i always end up quite content when the day ends and i rest my head on my pillow. mind you, there've been some minor slips too, but nothing unforgivable or immensely terrible. it seems i just needed reminding that You are all that matters.

the plunge

a while ago, i was chatting with my sister about the recent events back at home, when our conversation inadvertently led to a discussion about our future career plans.  my sister is making quite a living as a CPA in the Caribbean but plans to return to her big love--culinary arts--mid-2011.  i'm sure that although she finds auditing interesting, nothing beats cooking and eating in her book, and i think it's only natural for her to finally yield to the desires of her heart, especially now that she's much much more financially stable. 

i, on the other hand, find myself at a forked road.  indeed, for years now, i have merely stood at the bifurcation, torn between the various and incredibly opposing choices towering over me.  i have gone only as far as taking a few steps down one road, only to run back to the middle and try the other one, before going back again.  i have been shuffling, yes, and now find that all my efforts and energy was ill-spent, since i am more or less still at the place where i was before.

i don't know if i'm surprised to find that i am still afraid, to be honest.  even after so many debates and pep talks, tears and prayers and unbearably uncomfortable moments, i still keep looking back--i still can't let go.  or maybe i've chosen the road to take after all, and it has led shortly to a cliff that i must jump off of.  gruesome images of my head hitting the rocks, of drowning, of sharks gnawing my bony limbs enter my mind. so maybe i'll crawl towards the edge first, then just contentedly sit there and dangle my legs.  i desensitize myself to that feeling of not having any ground under one's feet, trying to enjoy being in between two worlds at one moment.  i lie down, feet still dangling over the cliff, and i savor how the jagged rocks cut through my back, how the sky looks as the clouds and the light play with each other, how the air cools my skin, and how the sun warms my face and blinds my eyes.  i listen to nothing, then to everything--to the sound of giant waves crashing against solid rock; to the flock of birds that pass by above; to the calming wind;  and to my own deep breaths. 

i stay here for some time--for as long as i need to.  i stay here until i cannot stand it any longer.  then, i get up.  i turn 360 degrees, trying to take in everything.  i scuffle slowly, slowly, carefully, towards the edge.  i utter a quick, urgent prayer.  i take a huge breath.  and then...

i take the plunge.

PS - if i were ever brave enough to jump of a real cliff and not merely a metaphorical one (although there is nothing mere about even a metaphorical cliff, when you think about it), this seems like a lovely choice, don't you agree? mind you, i'd have to travel all the way to Ireland just to do so.  maybe there are more feasible options in Batanes or Palawan :)

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland

whatever

i'm quite stressed and exhausted right now--and i don't think it's just because of last weekend's back-to-back physical activities (Hwa Rang Do on Saturday, 3k run on Sunday).  i think work is getting to me again.  you know how some people say that they love their work so much that they'd do it even if they didn't get paid? well, i haven't been paid in more than a month and am feeling very grouchy these days, which may mean that i don't love my work.  it's not the pay, really, although that helps.  the only real reason i'm here is because i made a deal with my boss that i'd see the project through--she's an amazing person and i don't want to make things difficult for her any more than they need to be.  even if i'm screaming inside.  maybe it's selfish of me to be thinking of what i want and how i feel but, i figured, my not wanting to be here isn't good for anybody.  obviously it sucks for me.  but it also doesn't bring any benefits for the project or my boss--i feel like it's a lose-lose situation because they're not getting the utmost quality of work out of me either.

health policy research, like nursing, is an admirable and noble career.  but maybe i'm just not meant to be admirable or noble.  and no matter how many lives are improved and saved because of these fields, that doesn't change the fact that i have neither the passion nor the skill for it.  i'd love to promote and advocate for the same causes (and more)--but i want to do it my way.

research is mostly about numbers and volumes--it's about the facts.  yes there's still the qualitative type, but somehow i feel that it can't be personal.  it has to be wholly unbiased, empirical.  but me being egocentric and all, i can't avoid giving my own two cents' worth.  maybe not explicitly, but it has to be there.  and i can't be impersonal.  that just isn't who i am.  i don't want to follow a rigid set of rules to come up with a solution--i want to find my own way of doing things.  i guess that's why i'm unhappy with what i'm doing now...i feel like i'm in a cage.  and nobody can say that it's fun to be in one, even if it's all sparkly and comfy and has everything you need.  you still want to get out of there. 

i want to get out of here.

midnight at Krispy Kreme

it is midnight and i am waiting for my dad to pick me up at Gateway.  just finished yet another rehearsal for Saturday's Pintigan workshop recital.  i think i've been so preoccupied and stressed with this whole dream thing that it is entirely possible and probable that i've lost sight of my real mission in life.  no, it isn't to act, be on stage or at the center of everyone's attention.  it's not to become admired by the public nor to earn a ridiculously huge amount of money that can be used to supplement the many needs of my anemic wardrobe and personal desk at home.

why am i doing this?

i want to tell stories.  and not just to the people i know, but to the people who need to hear them.  i want to write.  i want to inhabit and portray all the exquisite human beings out there.  i want to dance.  i want to sing.  i want to create films and art and great literature.  anything!!! i just want to reach out to Your people, to my brothers and sisters.  i want to share Your love and message of salvation.  that is why i am doing this.

but to achieve that, i need to study and keep learning and practicing, as i am trying to do so now.  yesterday, a cry of desperation escaped from my throat, because there were so many criticisms and i felt slightly as if i weren't good enough for this, that i didn't have what it takes and had better figure out a different way to achieve my goal.  the day before, i somehow internally blamed my parents for my extreme self-consciousness and low self-esteem and, though there may be a point to the argument, i know better now.  i know that it is entirely up to me to take the steps to address this problem.  i need to truly believe that God's sufficiency allows me to be self-sufficient as well.  "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."  if i don't, then the blame for continuing to reside in the shadow will rest wholly on me.

You are what enables me to do anything and everything.  and it is also for You that i want to do these things.

graying

i had a great time at the Fresh party last night.  i really enjoyed seeing all the friends i made in YFC Campus, especially since i hadn't gone to any of the meetings and other events in a long time.  however, it did get me thinking that perhaps i was getting too old for this.  not for God, of course not.  not for sharing His word. not for forming deep relationships with other people. just for doing so in this medium, i guess.  the party, the music, the dancing, the prizes, the grandness of it all.i don't know why but it almost seemed impersonal.  or perhaps that was just me.  maybe that was further emphasized by the fact that i hardly knew anyone there anymore.  working in YFC requires really getting to know and even being intimate with so many people.  i enjoy that but i've never been the best at it.  sometimes i feel i do them an injustice by being the way i am--i forget names easily and take some time before i can really warm up to others.  there's the rare person whom i immediately form a connection with, but sometimes, i just have difficulty getting it going.

i love You, Lord, You know that.  and there is absolutely nothing i love more than doing my best to obey Your will and share Your love with other people.  right now, i'm just confused with how best to do that.  i hope You can help me figure it out.

phew!! (finally, a more serious post)

the last three weeks has just been an incredible whirlwind of events and emotions--i'm still reeling from it all, albeit in a good way.  i'm so happy!  i don't quite know where to start because there is just so much that has happened.  all i know is, i'm so grateful to You, Lord.  i know that regardless of whether incredible things are happening in my life or not, i should be thankful--and i am.  i have You.  i have more than anything i could possibly need.  i have Your love and the love of the people around me.

these days i feel as if You're especially encouraging me.  i hope my instinct is right. there are days when i am really tired, and there are plenty of awkward and difficult moments these past weeks as well.  but i like to think that i did what i could to make You proud of me, and so i can somehow be of service to You, however minutely or indirectly.  i feel that it would be a disservice to not maximize every ounce of what You have given me to use for the greater good.  enough isn't enough anymore.  i have to exhaust myself for You.  and that is what i want to do and am trying to do.  i know You'll always be with me, You'll always guide me and drive me to do what is right.  and i hope that i may always have Your grace and Spirit to enable me to obey your wise words at all times as well.

this is my inspiration these last few weeks:
"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint."  --Romans 5:5

Jung Test reslts

Extroverted (E) 69.7% vs. Introverted (I) Intuitive (N) 52.5% vs. Sensing (S) Feeling (F) 58.82% vs. Thinking (T) Judging (J) 51.61%  vs. Perceiving (P)

Your type is: ENFJ

ENFJ - "Persuader". Outstanding leader of groups. Can be aggressive at helping others to be the best that they can be. 2.5% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

ENFJ outgoing, social, attention seeking, emotional, loving, organized, comfortable around others, involved, open, hyperactive, complimentary, punctual, considerate, altruistic, easily hurt, religious, neat, content, positive, affectionate, image conscious, good at getting people to have fun, easily excited, perfectionist, assertive, ambitious, leader, hard working, seductive, touchy, group oriented, anti-tattoos

*the descriptions listed here are made up of personality items. people who scored high on this type scored higher on the above items compared to the average.

favored careers: casting directory, film critic, wedding planner, work in the performing arts, teacher (art, preschool, elementary), actor, fashion designer, news anchor, fashion merchandisier, school psychologist, broadcaster, stylist, interior designer, event coordinator, restarant owner, childcare worker, hair stylist, film director, counselor, dancer

disfavored careers: race car driver, scientist, computer specialist, airline pilot, computer programmer, financial manager, epidemiologist, truck driver, electrical engineer, software designer, web designer, business consultant, dj, bookseller

live your dreams, kat

no matter what.  that's what He would want for you and for the life He gave you.