elasticity

i've been keeping myself quite busy these days, what with all the n119 projects and my continuing education at FIP (and beyond. haha). i'll be making and reworking stuff for the bazaar while continuing my fabulous sewing projects. haha. i have my own projects at home, as well. aside from my style experiments, i also have my book. i'll be resuming work on BOOSTER. also have two new stories, one involving flowers and the other concerns an umbrella. heehee. hopefully, i can get myself into writing poetry again, the way i used to back in high school. i haven't written poems in a while since in-your-face essays and children's stories are more my thing.

yes, these are my "moving on" projects. i have no desire of denying anything that has happened. but i have made the important decision to swim out of this puddle i have created for myself. once i finish my story and illustration, i'm even gonna try to get a publishing house to actually make them! *crosses fingers* i'm going back to the choir too. i'm gonna start attending practices again. i'm trying to install a bible for my palm so i can really get into reading it. i'm also doing things for my family now...fixing their stuff, joining them in absurd family activities i usually miss out on during schooldays. as usual, i'm gonna try to read as many novels as i can and watch all the movies that i want. cinemanila's coming...if i had the budget for it, i'd watch everyday. heehee. but just watching Insiang will be fine with me. if i can hack it, one movie a day would be great.

you may call it whatever you want. but i have termed this elasticity. i'm bouncing back...snappy huh? :) i am not just returning to who i was/am, but trying to become the person i want to be. i realized that i had let go of almost every thing that made me happy...for nothing. i may have missed out but hey, it's never too late. so here i am plastering all my posessions with my list of goals and priorities. honestly, my bed at the dorm looks like a giant yellow post-it! haha.

so here i am, doing my best to become a human superwoman, if you get what i mean. perfectly imperfect.

trick or threat

I spent the afternoon with my family today. as expected, the experience was an emotional rollercoaster that would surely leave my ECG results the most erratic any cardiologist would live to see. i honestly pity anyone forced to share family time with us. if you've ever wondered how the presence of dementors in your alley really feel like, try going to the mall with us...the trip on the way alone is almost too much to handle-it really manages to suck out all the happiness from you and leaves you lying on your face on cold, hard dirt with only your awful past to keep you company amidst the deafening silence. the faux bliss manages to melt off of your plastic face and your emotions are once again revealed in their rotting, maggot-infest.ed glory. in short, i feel sucky today. i have no idea if it is entirely due to the same reason. since today is the official start of the break for me, i have naught school to blame for such a dip in my emotions.

i'm trying. i really am. i have psychotically scheduled every day of the break to ensure that the only thing i will be feeling would be fatigue. i keep chanting to myself that there is no room for spontaneity in my life right now. i know, it sounds awful. and perhaps it is. but it is this very thing which has led to my present state of demise and i cannot afford to let that happen again...not at this moment, anyway.

relapse

The past weeks, I find I can easily disappear from the world. Yes, my body remains as solid and intact as ever, but it has been devoid of my soul from time to time; a corpse, a lifeless being with unresolved conflicts, a silvery ghost that cannot fully be wiped off from the face of the universe just yet. Though there are no more tears, my heart is still heavy, filled with lead. I have been trying, with great difficulty, to move on. Yet the more determined I am to start living, the more I am sucked into the hidden circle of Inferno: one for wallowers, beside those in limbo. The most excruciating thing in the world is when you realize that your happiness now depends on someone other than yourself. Yes, there are those who will oppose, saying that such state is a choice only you can make. Then again, there are those who say that hard work and relentless studying will enable you to survive Math 101. It’s true, but not as easy as we wish it to be.

I used to love being alone, being in communion with myself. I used to take pride in the fact that I, unlike most women my age, didn’t need someone to eat or go to the bathroom with. Now, I despise being left to myself. I’m always looking for company. And if no one is available, I find myself desperately trying to mimic human interaction by drowning my unpleasant memories with wallowing music straight from my mp4 player.

It was quite surprising therefore that I enjoyed my walk to the dorm after the exam a while ago. Or maybe I should’ve known it all along. As I savored the experience, taking in the sights as if I were only seeing them for the first time, it dawned on me that I could correlate every little thing to you-know-what. Pathetic, but there you go. The next worst feeling in the world is when you can no longer determine how you feel. Are you really ok? Or in denial of how awful you feel? Chaos happens. You’re messed up and that’s the only thing you are sure of. What’s next? You start to develop this sinking feeling that no matter how hard you try, you won’t be the same, you won’t be ok. Not unless….then the vicious cycle continues.

booster

i am improving though, i must admit, not yet wholly alright. i have begun to rediscover my previous life and the preoccupations and conditions which come with the package. i can proudly say that i no longer feel so empty or lifeless. however, i sense that there is still the tingling sting of a fresh wound, a remnant of the former bermuda triangle that my world has been sucked into the past weeks.

if you weren't able to read my book, here's what's written there. this is the manuscript so expect some improvements later on.


there was a girl who decided to visit the carnival. just the idea of it intrigued her. "this is going to be fun", she whispered to herself.

she was looking for a good time. so go to the carnival she did. she spent the day eating candy and popcorn, looking at throngs of people laughing and talking. she rode the bumpcars and the ferris wheel and a ride that made her so dizzy she had to sit still for 3 hours...looking on as the people passed by and as the rides went on. her eyes kept wandering until they rested on the BOOSTER.

it was a ride that twisted and turned and sped up backwards for an excruciating 5 minutes or so.

she debated with herself: to ride or not to ride?

she knew fully vvell that the probability of her getting sick afterwards was very high. then again, she found the idea of experiencing such a cacophony of emotions too overwhelming to resist. and perhaps, she thought, the momentary bliss would be worth feeling worse than hung over.

pondering on such arguments, SHE GOT ON. and as she whirled and screamed and blinked and screamed some more, she kept wondering if she made the right choice...if she'd feel ecstatic or not. and when she got off, she felt too dizzy to walk in a straight line. she also got sick...twice.

but nothing could have made her happier than the thought that she was brave enough to ride the BOOSTER.

then the little girl left the carnival.

but BOOSTER kept running.

people got on. then got off.

some rode again. and again.

some have had enough of it.

some didn't want to try it at all.

others spent so much time trying to muster the courage to get on that, by the time they had made up their minds...the carnival had left.

before they knew it, BOSTER was running elsewhere...and no one could be sure if it were ever coming back.

this little girl prayed it would.

maybe next time it would be even better for her.

almost at the finish line

okay. i am starting to forgive as well as accept. ate di is right. this may be a blessing in disguise. at least, i was saved from the wrong one. but i am not mad at him. i hate how he acted but, right now, i'm really concerned for him. i hope he finds someone whom he doesn't just like but also learns to show love for. someone who'll understand his moods and idiosyncrasies. i mean, i did but...oh well. i just wish him the best. i hope he finds peace of mind and true happiness. that's a wish for everyone actually.

i still want to talk. i just want to be friends again. i hate having a "non-friend" acquaintance. besides, i know that not a lot of people understand him. i'm no longer sure...maybe i was one of them. at the moment, i don't know whom he talks with...and i mean real conversations. but i hope he has at least one person he can really share stuff with. i don't know if i was one of those people. i really wish he has someone. everyone needs someone to gossip about their own lives with. haha. but seriously..when i kept all of these emotions to myself and my journal, i was such a wreck. and that went on for months. it's just really frustrating to keep all these bottled inside. i'm just concerned for him.

dear God, please watch over him. keep him safe. let him find his way to You. if he finds it difficult to confide with others, let him realize that You are there for him and will never forsake him. let him now that i, too, am here for him. i will always be his friend, even if he no longer wants to be mine.

i will no longer force him to talk with me. when he's ready, then we can talk. i know that i, too, may have wronged him in some ways and i hope that one day, he will find it in his heart to forgive me. i have already forgiven him, even if he doesn't seem to want my forgiveness.

i think i am okay now. maybe i am not 100% thru with the 3 stages, but i now i'm gonna be fine soon.

sting

it's his loss. what i was willing to give him was more precious than tulips or whatever. if he doesn't realize that, it's not even worth my time to try to make him see it. but even if i know this, it doesn't lessen the pain. i am still hurting...emotionally, psychologically. it's internal bleeding. i just know that i'm not yet ok. i may not be crying much...probably because either i'm all out or it's too deep for tears. i have no idea how to make it all better. i just need to believe in God. i need to stop wallowing in the past if i am to recover. dear Jesus, please help me focus on what's important in my life. please...

*dare you to move*

where can you run to escape from yourself?

something good happened. ARIES LAGAT won the MEGA event! he's going to Paris next year. you go, Aries! that a well-deserved victory. too bad i was busy wallowing in self-pity and wasn't able to watch him win.

i am half-wallowing. i'm trying to accept this situation of mine. have to try to concentrate but i am sooooo [insert OO lyrics] with him. *sigh* how did this happen? i'm supposed to have an independent soul/artiste life, not the pathetic-girl-crying-over-some-guy life. i can't wait to be completely over.

the next two steps

acceptance and forgiveness. yes, i still cannot fully grasp that there is absolutely no way for us to be us. that there is no chance at all. and though i am not mad at him, i hate how i turned out. i don't know if i learned much, if i have improved as a person. i'm still slacking off, still self-conscious, still cravinf for attention every once in a while. and i don't like that i went through all that to end up with nothing. (or didn't i?)

they say it is better to have loved and lost. in some cases, i agree. for at least you recognize the feeling. you learn to let yourself go. but also, for some, it may have been better to remain where they were. for falling in and out of love is like jumping off a cliff on a hang glider. you take the step that launches you into the air. you soar. and then you plop on lower ground, tripping over yourself. and when you're really unlucky, you get stuck in a tree or end up in a pool of mud or a swamp filled with alligators. where did i end up?

when i think about it, yes, it is a grievous loss. but it would've been ok if we talked about it (okay, that may have been partly my fault that we didn't.) and that we go back to being civil, on the road to becoming friends once again...

Happy birthday Sandra!

Single life is haunting me again. Yes, it’s enjoyable to pretend to be the woman of the world. And though I’ve never actually been not single (haha), there are times when you can’t help but wish it weren’t so. Like right now. I’m about to pack up the exhibit of the entire class myself. Haaay.

cleansed

God amazes me with his sense of humor. Today’s sermon was about love. How ironic. God is the best scriptwriter ever. Haha. Leave it to him to make me go to mass alone then have that happen. And on my way home, I finally decided to get my act together. I realized once again that all things and good wishes happen, in God’s time. He has only the most perfect plans for each of his children.

I was already at my street when it started to drizzle. I didn’t feel like using my broken umbrella. So I welcomed the cool raindrops with slightly outstretched arms. I even stuck out my tongue to taste it. God has mercifully washed away my tears with his own. Thank you for the rain. It’s as if he were reminding me that he would never desert me nor forsake me. An actual conversation with God. How I love him. And how he loves me (and everyone else).

the first step

*officially wallowing* I so hate this. I mean, it’s good that I’m wallowing because it’s a step in getting over. Unfortunately I have no time to wallow or not to wallow. Huhu. What the hell am I supposed to do? I’m listening to wallowing music now. Not sure if that’s a good idea. It calms me, but it also forces me to confront myself with everything that’s happening (or not happening, rather). It’s too early to force him into a conversation, though.

I should’ve never gotten on the booster.

**if you’re wondering what my last sentence meant, that means you haven’t read my book yet. Ask me about it and I’ll gladly show you. Haha. I worked hard on that.

the tulips are dead but the pot will live forever

I took back the letter, remember? Well, I made a new one and gave it last Tuesday, I think. I’m desperately trying to wallow now. The first tear dropped a few hours ago, when I was trying to think of something to text him. Unfortunately, that doesn’t count much because only a few followed. Then they were gone, just like that. I’m so depressed. Not the suicidal kind. Just the kind that makes you bum out all the time. The kind that sucks all the life out of you and makes living just not dying and nothing else. I just want to be over him. But I have no idea how to do that. I want to live and be happy and realize that there is definitely more to life but I can’t. I want to make the freakin medpaper, for crying out loud! Okay…I’m crying right now. Good. And bad. Jesus, why? Why did this happen? I mean, I am thankful because I did have good times with him, however scarce those were, but I also wish that they just didn’t happen. Because I am no longer myself now. I am not the person whom I was and want to be. The supergirl who could do anything and who wouldn’t cry over a guy that hurts her and doesn’t realize how luck he is to have her. I just want to be normal again. Please. To not think of him whenever I think of anything. To not want so desperately for him to come out of nowhere and say that he loves me and is sorry for hurting my feelings. I want to be free. Please, please…I can’t take this anymore. I can’t concentrate on a darn thing. I have become even more useless than before. Please, please, let me get over and let it be soon. I have a life to live. I don’t want to be a rock but I don’t want to be a marshmallow either, even if they taste best when roasted.

I have done so many wrong things in my life and perhaps loving him the way I do is one of those but please, don’t let me make anymore. All my life, I have been a silent failure. I don’t want to fail anymore. Not in my faith, not with my family, not with love, not with friends, not with school, not in life…not anymore.

Please, Lord. I’m asking you, take the pain away. Take the pain away so I may do my best to serve you. I will serve you and worship you with everything I do and all that I have. All I ask, not in return for I owe you too much already, but as a gift, is for you to please take the pain away. Or give me the strength to overcome all this pain, the strength to continue your work in spite of all the obstacles and sufferings. Please…

For the first time in a long time, I’m not yet sleepy. Haha. supposed to be doing a stack of school work but…oh well. How do I feel? At the moment…EMPTY. HOLLOW. Like my Rapunzel mug that has just recently been emptied of delicious but cold Milo drink. It must be the reason why, for most of the past two months, I have lost so much energy. The sweetness of life has been drained out of me and into some vacuum. It was only meant to clan a bit, but went overboard. I no longer know how I feel. I am completely unable to specify my emotions for majority of my conscious moments. I am neither happy nor depressed. Perhaps because I, like the relationship which evaporated so painfully slow, am in limbo…between wallowing and denial. I don’t know. I’m just…..

PS (10/14/06)

I fell asleep. Haha. I know. I’m pathetic. Leave me alone! I know I’m not supposed to feel this way and I have just officially become one of the girls I despise so much. Those who aren’t in control of their lives and emotions. Well, this too shall pass. But in the meantime…*listens to wallowing and HR music*

I’ve been trying my best to wallow and block out the emotion at the same time. Maybe being numb is better. No, it definitely isn’t. if you want to be human, the senses are included in the package. My mp3 player is my security blanket. Blasted to ear-deafening levels, it helps me pretend that I live in my own, perfect, HR, melodious world…until reality sets in, thanks to the lack of power/outside forces. And there goes my heart again.

for real...

I finally gave the letter that I took back. Ok, so it’s a revised one…but still. I had this idea that, instead of a person box, I’d make altered books instead. I found myself wishing I’d have just one book forever. Haay. I’ll just read a chapter of “When God Writes Your Love Story” to make me feel better…then make my medpaper. Nothing like stress to beat the heartbreak out of you.