I took back the letter, remember? Well, I made a new one and gave it last Tuesday, I think. I’m desperately trying to wallow now. The first tear dropped a few hours ago, when I was trying to think of something to text him. Unfortunately, that doesn’t count much because only a few followed. Then they were gone, just like that. I’m so depressed. Not the suicidal kind. Just the kind that makes you bum out all the time. The kind that sucks all the life out of you and makes living just not dying and nothing else. I just want to be over him. But I have no idea how to do that. I want to live and be happy and realize that there is definitely more to life but I can’t. I want to make the freakin medpaper, for crying out loud! Okay…I’m crying right now. Good. And bad. Jesus, why? Why did this happen? I mean, I am thankful because I did have good times with him, however scarce those were, but I also wish that they just didn’t happen. Because I am no longer myself now. I am not the person whom I was and want to be. The supergirl who could do anything and who wouldn’t cry over a guy that hurts her and doesn’t realize how luck he is to have her. I just want to be normal again. Please. To not think of him whenever I think of anything. To not want so desperately for him to come out of nowhere and say that he loves me and is sorry for hurting my feelings. I want to be free. Please, please…I can’t take this anymore. I can’t concentrate on a darn thing. I have become even more useless than before. Please, please, let me get over and let it be soon. I have a life to live. I don’t want to be a rock but I don’t want to be a marshmallow either, even if they taste best when roasted.
I have done so many wrong things in my life and perhaps loving him the way I do is one of those but please, don’t let me make anymore. All my life, I have been a silent failure. I don’t want to fail anymore. Not in my faith, not with my family, not with love, not with friends, not with school, not in life…not anymore.
Please, Lord. I’m asking you, take the pain away. Take the pain away so I may do my best to serve you. I will serve you and worship you with everything I do and all that I have. All I ask, not in return for I owe you too much already, but as a gift, is for you to please take the pain away. Or give me the strength to overcome all this pain, the strength to continue your work in spite of all the obstacles and sufferings. Please…
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