relapse

The past weeks, I find I can easily disappear from the world. Yes, my body remains as solid and intact as ever, but it has been devoid of my soul from time to time; a corpse, a lifeless being with unresolved conflicts, a silvery ghost that cannot fully be wiped off from the face of the universe just yet. Though there are no more tears, my heart is still heavy, filled with lead. I have been trying, with great difficulty, to move on. Yet the more determined I am to start living, the more I am sucked into the hidden circle of Inferno: one for wallowers, beside those in limbo. The most excruciating thing in the world is when you realize that your happiness now depends on someone other than yourself. Yes, there are those who will oppose, saying that such state is a choice only you can make. Then again, there are those who say that hard work and relentless studying will enable you to survive Math 101. It’s true, but not as easy as we wish it to be.

I used to love being alone, being in communion with myself. I used to take pride in the fact that I, unlike most women my age, didn’t need someone to eat or go to the bathroom with. Now, I despise being left to myself. I’m always looking for company. And if no one is available, I find myself desperately trying to mimic human interaction by drowning my unpleasant memories with wallowing music straight from my mp4 player.

It was quite surprising therefore that I enjoyed my walk to the dorm after the exam a while ago. Or maybe I should’ve known it all along. As I savored the experience, taking in the sights as if I were only seeing them for the first time, it dawned on me that I could correlate every little thing to you-know-what. Pathetic, but there you go. The next worst feeling in the world is when you can no longer determine how you feel. Are you really ok? Or in denial of how awful you feel? Chaos happens. You’re messed up and that’s the only thing you are sure of. What’s next? You start to develop this sinking feeling that no matter how hard you try, you won’t be the same, you won’t be ok. Not unless….then the vicious cycle continues.