from the depths

i've been stressing and doubting and downing myself lately. but now i realize that God is and will forvermore be with me at all times.  His words, His hands reach out to me from everywhere, literally, and through every channel.

the following is taken from the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional last May 28, 2010

God often lets problems become impossibilities

by Rick Warren

"At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (PH)


When the pursuit of your dream deteriorates from difficult to impossible; when the situation looks hopeless, congratulations! You're in good company.

Even Paul went through dead ends: "At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 PH)

If God can raise people physically, he can raise people who are dead emotionally. He can raise a dead marriage. He can resurrect a dead career. He can resurrect you from a health problem. If God can raise the dead, he can do anything.

In Abraham's situation, God said, "I want you to become the father of a nation," but then Abraham had to wait until he was ninety-nine years old before he had his first child. The Bible shows Abraham's situation going from difficult to impossible. He looks at his body and says, "No way!" Then he looks at his wife and says, "Double no way!"

But Sarah got pregnant and they laughed about it. When the baby was born, they named him Isaac, which means laughter.

God often lets problems become impossibilities. The disciples planned to follow Jesus. They thought he was the Messiah, but then the next thing they know Jesus is hanging on the cross, dying. Was this a dead end for the disciples? For three days it seemed that way, but then Jesus walked out of the tomb.

When you face a dead end, you may start asking, "What's going on, God? Did I miss your will? Your plan? Have I missed your vision?" Keep in mind that dead ends are part of God's plan for you.

What's the best response to a dead end? "He has delivered us from such a terrible death, and He will deliver us; we have placed our hope in Him that He will deliver us again." (2 Corinthians 1:10 HCSB)

live your dreams, kat

no matter what.  that's what He would want for you and for the life He gave you.

Solid Scripture for Dark Days

*i'm reposting from this site

Many Christians today struggle to find comfort and peace in the midst of a world full of pain, suffering, confusion, turmoil and sin. At times it can seem as if there is no hope or that God has seemingly turned His back upon His children. This could not be farther from the truth. Throughout Scripture, particularly the Psalms, God speaks His eternal Word of encouragement and peace into the midst of troublesome situations, granting the assurance only He can give. The following Bible verses should be on the memorization list of every Christian and should be said aloud in the midst of life's darkest moments.

1.Rescue from Persecution. "I come to You for protection, O Lord, my God. Save me from my persecutors-rescue me!" Psalm 7:1 (nlt)

2.God is my Strength. "I love you, Lord, You are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior. My God is my rock in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me and my place of safety. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and He saved me from my enemies." Psalm 18:1-3 (nlt)

3.God is close to the Brokenhearted. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He recues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (nlt)

4.God Has a Plan for your Life. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, they are plans for good, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (nlt)

5.Nothing Can Separate Us from God's love. "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger or threatened with death? No! Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us." Romans 8:35-37

6.God Works All Things Together. "And we know God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." Romans 8:28 (nlt)

7.God hears my cry. "I love the Lord because He hears my voice and prayer for mercy. I will pray as long as I have breath." Psalm 116:1-2 (nlt)

Audrey: the beauty of a woman

For attractive lips
speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes
seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure
share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair
let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise
walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People
even more than things
have to be restored
renewed
revived
reclaimed
and redeemed
never throw out anyone.
Remember,
if you ever need a helping hand,
you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older
you will discover that you have two hands
one for helping yourself
and the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

**i love love love Audrey Hepburn.  i really want to be like her - the grace, the poise, the intellect, the kindness that she epitomizes. that's the type of person i want to be like. i don't need to be extremely fashionable or trendy; nor do i need or want to be the center of attention. i just want to be a good person and to exude inner grace and beauty and peace of mind, to know that i have done everything in my power to help others through my God-given gifts and talents.


The previous poem was written by the late educator-humorist Sam Levinson for his grandchild and read by Audrey Hepburn on Christmas Eve, 1992. It was also used by Ms. Hepburn on occasions when she was asked for beauty tips. [From Audrey Hepburn by Barry Paris, 1996, Putnam]

should i or shouldn't i?

i wrote a letter to my boss as part of the homework she gave us on technical writing.  it's supposed to be about why we should stay on the project (aka employed) but i ended up writing a letter about how i wish she'd replace me instead.  i wrote from the heart.

should i send her that letter or write a fake one on why i should stay hired? i'm not an awful employee so i'm sure i could find something to argue the case--i'm just not sure if i want to....

on one hand, i really can't imagine doing this for a year and one month more.  i feel like i'm wasting my time and energy doing something i have no interest in.  so even if i am gaining some skills, these aren't skills that i want to develop anyway.

but on the other hand, what am i going to do without this job? i guess i could look for a new one, maybe a part-time job, and even study something i actually want to learn in preparation for something that i actually want to do in the future.  i'm just not sure if i am ready for that.

there is also the chance that even if i give the real letter, she won't fire me.  but whenever i see her, i'll know that she knows that i don't really want to be here.  how would that affect the whole situation, i wonder?

the virtue of being stubborn

a lot of people will probably tell you that i am about as stubborn as a mountain (or a mule) and, i'm afraid to say, it isn't always a good thing to be so.

yesterday, i was really drawn in to the priest's sermon about the virtue of being stubborn.  apparently, being stubborn can be a good thing, given two conditions;  if you're going to be stubborn, you might as well ask yourself these two questions:

1. Am I right?

obviously! but then again, not so.  sometimes, nay oftentimes, we are stubborn simply because of our pride. or maybe we're too lazy to gain a new perspective or get the correct answer.  but if you know you're right about something, then that is already half a reason to be stubborn.  you may proceed to the next question.  but if you know you're wrong, then stop right there! what you need is perhaps a lesson in humility.  perhaps in another blog post...

2. Is it worthwhile?

even though we are right, sometimes, the things we are fighting for may not necessarily be worth the trouble.  we have to ask ourselves if the case is worthwhile, or if being stubborn will bring more harm than good in then end.  if it is something that might bring a bit of pain and inconvenience at first but can eventually bring understanding, then go for it.  don't let the frustration and exasperation keep you from staying true to these good beliefs.

i think we can also refer to this virtue as INTEGRITY.

defying gravity

while reading a barrage of daily emails, i stumbled across an article on Vanity Fair about Gisele Bundchen.  i was quite in awe at her ability and determination to stay fit and healthy in spite of her pregnancy (look at that body!).  but, more than anything else, i was most inspired by her philanthropic involvements and projects.  she's doing so much for the environment, for the youth, for the poor.  i want to make as much of a good difference as i can too, both in the lives of my loved ones and to the rest of the world.

i remember telling my parents some time ago how i feel it's important to do good now instead of waiting until i'm more successful later on.  i still stand by that statement.  however, i must now add that it's also important to determine how much you can give now without compromising your ability to keep giving later on. what i mean is, you also have to ensure that what you're doing now will not prevent you from accomplishing your mission.  sometimes, even when you're doing good, the overall outcome might not be as great if you had decided to act in a different manner, to go in a different direction.  maybe you're volunteering on the side now but had you focused on a certain thing (still volunteering but mindful of your goals), maybe you would've done more and better in the end.  of course, this doesn't mean you focus on one thing completely and disregard the rest.  the key is prioritizing.  ideally, too, your day job has to have a lot to do with your goals so that you don't have to resort to sidelines for a sens of fulfillment.

that was my issue.  see, YFC was the only major thing that i loved to do and that helped me accomplish my mission.  but now, things are starting to change and be clearer--i'm moving towards a real career, one that i believe was meant for me and the purpose set for me.  i won't have to live through YFC anymore because i somehow have a better idea of how i can accomplish my goal: to dedicate myself wholly to my purpose.  and now i can start taking steps towards that.

of course, i'll still do what's in my ability to help, especially when i'm needed.  ha! i don't know if i will still be needed there--what with all the new MVs; that really makes me happy.  i know that they can go on and do even better in spite of my absence.

now, i need to dedicate myself to fulfilling my purpose and accomplishing my mission.  i need to improve my relationships and learn to be a better and more loving person.  these are things i need to do if i am ever to get to a place where i can help more people and bring them to the Lord.

wish me luck! it's time to fly!

my Mind

Psalm 118:24

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Kwentong Dyip (repost)

Youngblood
Jeepney ride

By Katrina I. Martin
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 00:56:00 09/03/2009

Filed Under: Road Transport

Every day I get up at 6:30 in the morning. I eat breakfast, take a shower, get dressed for work, go downstairs, put on my shoes, check myself in the mirror, say goodbye to my mother, and walk out the front door. I stroll down our street, then another before reaching my usual waiting place. There I stand for about a minute before the right jeepney comes along. My hand makes the slightest wave, and the jeepney driver sees it and immediately steps on the brake to let me get on.

I take a seat as near to the entrance as possible. Once I feel comfortable, I take my wallet out and count P12 for my fare. I hand over the money while announcing, “Bayad po!” I wait for one of the other passengers to hold out his hand so I can place my money on it. He in turn places it on another passenger’s hand, until it reaches the driver’s own.

The jeepney stops for somebody. She is a middle-aged woman who expertly gets on board while balancing her shoulder bag and files and closing her umbrella at the same time. She takes a seat across me and extends her arm to give her fare. The student nearby does not budge. The woman has to try twice before she finally catches the attention of the student, who reluctantly reaches out to receive the fare.

In this short span of time, the jeepney has managed to move once more.

As I face the wide-open window on my side of the vehicle, I see a man smoking on the street a short distance ahead. He is waiting for the right jeepney. When he sees it, he gives a small wave and takes one last puff on his cigarette before flipping it casually on the street.

I narrow my eyes, but before I can give him a piece of my mind, something distracts me. It is the sound of a drum. I spot a boy in his mid-teens, walking on the street. He has dark skin, and his striped T-shirt and shorts have turned gray from use and dirt. He is trying to catch the eyes of the driver.

He gets on the jeepney and starts handing out white envelopes to the passengers. He then sits on the step and starts playing his makeshift drums made of cans, plastic, and rubber while singing in a tongue I do not understand. I have seen his kind before, but never experienced riding in the same jeep where they played.

I look at the envelope in my hand and see some writing on it. “Konting tulong lang po para sa Badjao,” it reads.

I remember placing a pack of soda crackers in my bag that morning and take it out to put inside the envelope. A girl sitting near me sees me do this and gives out a small laugh. Maybe she isn’t used to seeing people give food to strangers. I smile at her, hoping she has a pack of crackers to give as well. It seems she doesn’t.

The young man seated beside her pulls out some coins from his pocket and drops them into the envelope. I smile again.

The boy playing the drums stops, gets up, and goes back in to collect his envelopes. He stops in front of the middle-aged woman who just ignores him. He nonchalantly reaches out to take the empty envelope beside the woman (he is used to that kind of treatment).

The girl gives back an empty envelope too. The young man next to her gives his envelope of coins, while I give mine stuffed with crackers.

I smile at the boy before he taps on the roof of the jeep, a signal to the driver that he is getting off. The jeepney slows down enough for him to safely jump off before speeding up again. I smile and look out of the window again.

Badjaos. I am sure I have heard of them before. Perhaps I studied something about them back in high school, but I can hardly remember. I am glad I finally met one.

Using one’s talents to entertain other people is a perfectly good way of making a living. Actresses and musicians and writers get paid for doing their thing, so why not drummer boys? I promise myself to write about them. Something about the beat of the makeshift drums and the boy’s unfamiliar words cling to me. I smile and for a while, I am at peace amid the hustle and bustle of the rush hour.

Other people may not understand it, but I find joy while seated inside a jeepney. Though the smoke threatens to spoil the pleasure, almost everything else contributes to the appeal. Jeepneys have an almost magnetic charm for me. In exchange for a handful of coins, you get an authentic and rich insight into the lives of real Filipinos—an intimate peek, if you will. No, the jeepney isn’t exactly squeaky clean. Neither is it all pleasant and inviting, which is perhaps  the reason some people hate it: we cannot all yet own up to the fact that life isn’t perfect. It is what it is. And depending on how you see things and what you make of what you have, it can be good.

(Katrina I. Martin, 21, is a research assistant at the UP Manila National Institutes of Health and a mission volunteer for Youth for Christ Campus-Based.)

portrait of a young artist as an adult

so this is what adulthood means--to be responsible for your actions...
this is what it means to be a good adult--to never let your actions be the cause of others' suffering (no matter how little).

after almost nine months, i am somewhat sorry for my brash decisions and actions. i do not regret the experiences--they have taught me much. but i regret tying myself down like this. and now i must stick it out for a year and at least 3 months more. because i made a commitment, and to break that would be to cause trouble to good people--something i do not want to ever do.

maybe, if it weren't for the promise made, i would have enough courage to take that leap of faith right now. forget the risks, the uncertainties, right? but when you put others in the line, i cannot allow myself to be the reason for their jeopardy. i guess this also answers that question of "how far would you go?"

as far as necessary, but still remaining true to who i am and to the values that i live by.

the land of the Wild Things

...is in each of us.

I watched "Where The Wild Things Are" yesterday and found it quite moving--this story of a kid with a temper and a huge imagination. i found that i could relate to it in some ways.

just like Max, i find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships with my family--i am easily disappointed or frustrated by their actions and am hurt quickly and deeply. i tend to take everything personally, even though i already know i shouldn't, and find it more convenient to blow my top off rather than act like a good Christian. it is difficult to be in a family, much less an imperfect one. everybody's got quirks and issues and deficits in pleasant characteristics. but it would be a lot more difficult without it altogether.

see, i'm just me. i'm no savior or king or magician. and i sure as hell have neither powers to make everything bright and sparkly, nor a sadness shield. in truth, nobody on earth does. we are all just ourselves. but we really do have to learn to live with one another in peace, to appreciate each other--while we still have that chance (and while the supper is still hot and waiting for us on the table).

mirrors

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes. i have no idea how i compare to the people who have made it. i have no assurance that i will make it, myself. i have no experience, no education, no recommendation of any kind. i have zip.

all i have are these weak hands, this mediocre brain, this flawed heart.
all i have is a dream, a hope, a passion, a vision.
all i have is the faith that things will work out as they are meant to do so.
all i have is a God whom i trust completely, and who looks out for me at all times.

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes, very much so.
but i cannot let my doubts imprison me any more.
i have to take that step, that leap.
i must walk, decidedly, into the dark abyss of trials and suffering. but i would do so with a ray of light of hope, with faith and gracious uncertainty. with You.

gracious uncertainty

"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint." (Romans 5:5)

i'm tired.

i'm tired of caring for people. for this world--it's exhausting, frustrating...especially when they don't care back or acknowledge the effort, or worse, when they hate you all the more for giving a damn.

but i guess it's still better than caring just for myself or not caring at all. because at least, when you get to the Holy Gates, you can say that you tried.

keep caring, kat. keep trying.

22

i get it now. your love is better than life; it's more than what i ever expected life could ever be. then, it was about dreams and goals, money and things, myself and my problems. now, it is about family and friends, purpose and love, You and my mission.

everything just falls into place after that first step of acknowledgment and acceptance.

"...
for You O Lord make the sunshine and the moonlight and the night sky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You because I can't stop falling in love with you
..."

Thank You for putting things in their rightful place. i know You're with me on my way to mine as well. and i finally have hope of getting there, thanks to You.

i love You. i can't even fathom that there was a time when i didn't know You, didn't know You loved me. now Your love leaves my heart full of hope and joy, faith and love--i am runneth over, a cistern that overflows, with life.

i hope that i can fulfill the purpose and mission you have set for me, and pay forward the blessings i have received from your infinite rivers.

if the shoe fits...

I want to give it a shot. After all, even Prince Charming had to ask Cinderella to try on the glass slipper before he could be sure she was the one. I guess that makes me Prince Charming!

So, how should I do things this coming year, Lord?

1.I want to be closer to You, Father. I want to fix myself and my life, and I know that THE only way to do that would be to be in close communion with you, that I may know you and learn to love like you. I need to really talk with you, listen to you, obey you; make more time for us.

2. I need to be kinder to my family and make more time for them. I don’t want to spend so much money so I need to make up for it in effort instead. I need to help out more at home too and learn the ropes so i can take over some of my mom's duties, which includes cooking (even the easy stuff)

3. I need to make more of an effort to preserve my friendships (STC, UPM, YFC, FIP, Church, family friends), even by simply greeting them on their birthdays or just asking how they are, to organizing small reunions.

4. I must maximize my time at the office so I don’t need to stay longer than necessary. Let’s aim for an 830-530 schedule, unless there really is a cause for overtime.

5. I need to pray more for this career issue and follow God’s lead. Whether it is writing, acting, the missions, or something else entirely, I need to get started with the preparation process: praying, discerning, planning, studying, pursuing. I want to help others and make a difference while maximizing my passions and talents in the process. I want to do right with what you’ve given me, and I want to do it the right way too.
RIGHT reasons, person, time, disposition, preparation, path/actions.

6. I need to experience life more, aside from just reading, watching, writing, or imagining it. This is a great way to prepare, not just for future career opportunities, but for real life—real living and loving opportunities. I want to read great literature, watch/see more amazing works of art, rediscover art and history, learn of and empathize/sympathize with the plight of different and all peoples, and just LIVE.

7. I need to write more. About the different realizations, emotions, thoughts, lessons. I need to write stories too! Characters, ideas, themes, events, anything, everything!

8. I will continue helping and serving others as much as I can, especially the needy. Through YFC, I can help evangelize to the youth. Through my personal work and actions, I can try to help even the most random strangers, while also showing to others that anyone and everyone can and should help others out.

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Hello, goodbye.

Saturday, December 5, 2009
the last day of the Philippine Nursing Competitiveness Conference

i learned a lot from the entire PNCC--from organizing the conference to relating with other people. and, more significantly, i realized that the Nursing profession, in my case, is like a scholar or an outstanding charity. there is no doubt that it is important and that it is worth helping. the question this really poses to me is this: how can i help something or someone i care for but am not an expert in? it's much like loving your country--this doesn't ensure that you can be a good President of the Republic of the Philippines, does it?

i am passionate for many things and, among such, the status of health care in the country (and across the globe). i want to do my part to ensure that everyone receives good care, whatever their stature. but i am not much interested in learning the ropes of providing primary health care; i am much more concerned in getting the professionals with healing hands to do that in a manner that will be equitable to all parties.

trying to further the standards and status of health, and nursing in particular, is truly a good and necessary cause--i am just uncertain if this is a cause that i should be working for. it seems that i am not required here, after all. furthermore, i cannot give that which i do not possess--and i definitely do not possess the skills in providing health care.

on a different note, i must say that i applaud the likes of Ma'am Meng, Ma'am Betty, Sir Marco, Sir Ken, and Ma'am Vanne, among others. here is a bunch of accomplished professionals who have kept their integrity intact and who have a sincere concern for the profession and those practicing it. it is moving to be in the midst of people who are extremely passionate for what they do, people who aren't just looking out for themselves but for others as well. i look at them and am pleased for Philippine Nursing, for there is much hope still. at the same time, i look at them and see that i do not belong here. i can never have that kind of love for this profession, and i feel it would be an injustice to all parties if i were to stay. good intentions can only go so far for, though i wish that i love Nursing the way they do, i am honest in saying that i do not. i love it in a sense that truly, from the deepest recesses of my heart, i want it to do splendidly. i love it in the sense that i am even willing to give of myself to help its cause, had i the brains or hands to do so. but i am not the best nor the right person to do such a thing.

i was made for something else, something equally worth fighting, living, and dying for.

V-blues and the foolishness of God

see http://coppergirl.multiply.com/journal/item/20/V-blues_and_the_foolishness_of_God