a simple wish

i was writing for my other blog when i suddenly realized that there's something i really want to do now, more than anything else in the world, and that is this:


Abbie Cornish as Fanny Brawne in BrightStar

i want this more than anything right now, seriously.  i'd trade all my 2010 Christmas presents for a day spent lying on a beautiful bed of flowers, with a canopy of trees above my head. yes, i would love that very much.  anybody know where i can find a place like this in the country (better if in Luzon or even Metro Manila)?  i'd settle for different flowers, or even fresh green grass.  i would just like some peace right now, and time to breathe and rest and think and pray and appreciate the beauty of this world.

nearness

"Where can I run from Your love?"

The song is my inspiration for today.  I hit quite a high the last two weeks that I was bound to return to my bipolar roots one of these days.  Of course, I’m still trying to keep in mind the lessons and realizations and emotions that made me feel so great in the first place, but I cannot really control what happens around me—I can only try to control myself, and even that doesn’t work according to plan most of the time.  Today, for instance, I’m back on the ground and find that I still have to face the same issues that I have been contending with the past few months.  I have a dispassionate relationship with my work and my word is keeping me hostage here.  I have a love-hate relationship with my family.  I am burdened with insecurities and inadequacies.  I am a prisoner of this dark, deeply troubled world.  And though I am so blessed with people who sincerely care for me, I still cannot help feel lonely at one point or another.

Yet, in spite of all this, I have the grace and strength to stay positive.  It's because of You.  No matter what happens, I know You are right beside me.  If I have problems with my relationships, You're always there to hold me tight.  If I feel as if I can no longer stomach the tasks at hand, You cheer me on and find ways to make it worth my while.  When I feel so insufficient, You give me so much, that I may have more than what I need.  When I'm scared and lost, You light the way for me.  When I cannot stand being with myself, You remind me of who I truly am.  You're always here, always near.

60 hours of waiting

was i wrong to do that?  i certainly hope not. 

i think the coming weeks will certainly be an exercise in patience and self-control and faith.

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strenght; they shall mount up with wings like eagles.  They shall run and not be wear.  They shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

Romans 5:5

"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint."

patience, dear.

milestone (and a red box with a puppy on top and letters inside)

thursday all day, while at the BON Nursing Roadmap meeting
friday night, while having Korean dinner with jill, dianne, kara, chen, ginny
saturday super early morning, when i got home
saturday night
sunday morning, noon, and night

i'm sure this doesn't make sense to any of you (indeed if there are any of you reading this), but that's just how i like it.  i just felt the need to shout it out without really explaining what i'm saying.  it's between me and myself.  just help me pray for this, please, whatever it is or isn't :D

hella good

i had a great week and i sure hope this coming one surpasses it! not much has changed, to be honest. but i'm feeling more positive. i'm trying to look at where i am now through a different perspective. i'm trying to go out of my way to spend more quality time with my loved ones, and even get to know people whom i never really cared to hang out with much before. i'm resurrecting my mission to try to bring even a bit of goodness to every interaction. i'm trying to focus on what's really essential in life, and shake off all those worldly distractions.

this generation is so preoccupied with achievements, with results--and i'm no exception. but, thanks to a conversation with a super new friend, i realized that all i really want to accomplish in my life is be at peace with the people i love, and to try to do something good for the universe, even if it were so inconsiderable that no one would know. that's it. i've been trying to live that way the past few days and i always end up quite content when the day ends and i rest my head on my pillow. mind you, there've been some minor slips too, but nothing unforgivable or immensely terrible. it seems i just needed reminding that You are all that matters.

some sort of encouragement

"Writing is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as the headlights, but you make the whole trip that way." -E.L. Doctorow, writer (b. 1931)

the plunge

a while ago, i was chatting with my sister about the recent events back at home, when our conversation inadvertently led to a discussion about our future career plans.  my sister is making quite a living as a CPA in the Caribbean but plans to return to her big love--culinary arts--mid-2011.  i'm sure that although she finds auditing interesting, nothing beats cooking and eating in her book, and i think it's only natural for her to finally yield to the desires of her heart, especially now that she's much much more financially stable. 

i, on the other hand, find myself at a forked road.  indeed, for years now, i have merely stood at the bifurcation, torn between the various and incredibly opposing choices towering over me.  i have gone only as far as taking a few steps down one road, only to run back to the middle and try the other one, before going back again.  i have been shuffling, yes, and now find that all my efforts and energy was ill-spent, since i am more or less still at the place where i was before.

i don't know if i'm surprised to find that i am still afraid, to be honest.  even after so many debates and pep talks, tears and prayers and unbearably uncomfortable moments, i still keep looking back--i still can't let go.  or maybe i've chosen the road to take after all, and it has led shortly to a cliff that i must jump off of.  gruesome images of my head hitting the rocks, of drowning, of sharks gnawing my bony limbs enter my mind. so maybe i'll crawl towards the edge first, then just contentedly sit there and dangle my legs.  i desensitize myself to that feeling of not having any ground under one's feet, trying to enjoy being in between two worlds at one moment.  i lie down, feet still dangling over the cliff, and i savor how the jagged rocks cut through my back, how the sky looks as the clouds and the light play with each other, how the air cools my skin, and how the sun warms my face and blinds my eyes.  i listen to nothing, then to everything--to the sound of giant waves crashing against solid rock; to the flock of birds that pass by above; to the calming wind;  and to my own deep breaths. 

i stay here for some time--for as long as i need to.  i stay here until i cannot stand it any longer.  then, i get up.  i turn 360 degrees, trying to take in everything.  i scuffle slowly, slowly, carefully, towards the edge.  i utter a quick, urgent prayer.  i take a huge breath.  and then...

i take the plunge.

PS - if i were ever brave enough to jump of a real cliff and not merely a metaphorical one (although there is nothing mere about even a metaphorical cliff, when you think about it), this seems like a lovely choice, don't you agree? mind you, i'd have to travel all the way to Ireland just to do so.  maybe there are more feasible options in Batanes or Palawan :)

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland

purposes vs. problems

what can i do for you? how can i please you?

real vs. ideal

i'm currently debating with myself whether to stay 22 1/2 years old or not.  and no, i am not referring to the use of botox and a gazillion wrinkle creams to achieve this.  it's just that i've been seeing more and more examples of how most adults deal with their lives and all sorts of situations, and i don't want in on any of the pretentiousness, and hypocrisy, and suppression of emotions and thoughts, and acting in a way that is easier or more acceptable as opposed to how you truly want to or should.  but now that i think of it, 22 is probably not the best age either. i mean, i'm still so confused with my life and, sad to say, actually quite helpless to deal with situations at times. well, not helpless, just afraid to act probably.  i think i'm turning into a real adult in that sense.

what makes an adult real? and what makes him ideal?  my absolute favorite ideal adult character in literature has got to be either the dad in To Kill A Mockingbird or even Dumbledore in Harry Potter. hahahahah. but seriously.  they are my gold standard.  and what i love about these two is that, even though they are fictional and the latter is even a homosexual wizard, they still seem quite real.  like, they're not ridiculously or impossibly kind-hearted, moral, and level-headed; it just seems so at times cause we've been accustomed to the adult figures we have in real life.

a couple of nights ago, i realized how thankful i was, nonetheless, that most of the adults in my life were not exactly up to par with Dumbledore.  it made me see how badly i wanted to avoid being like that--and now i have a renewed determination to live my life with integrity, and according to the beliefs and values i cherish.  it's no easy feat, for sure.  i fail at even the smallest tests of character, frustratingly enough.  but i figured, i don't want to stop trying.  i think that's the only difference between real adults and ideal ones.  it's not that the latter is innately better than the former--they are just relentless in their attempts of being better than who they are now.  and that's what i want to devote my life to trying to accomplish.

***i've got a ton of decisions to make right now.  as some of you may know, i've been seriously considering leaving my job--that is, if my boss will let me (gotta dig out that pseudo contract). anyway, there are so many factors to consider, my mind is just about to explode! and after a minor breakdown last tuesday, i still am in no better position to deal with the situation. gaaaah. SOS

DISCLAIMER

if you ever chance upon this blog, i must warn you now before you read anything else.  this can get really mushy.  i like to document random thoughts, emotions, insights, etc here, usually at the heat of the moment.  so please excuse the excessive amounts of drama and corniness that ensues.  read at your own risk. and remember, you do it out of your own volition.

whatever

i'm quite stressed and exhausted right now--and i don't think it's just because of last weekend's back-to-back physical activities (Hwa Rang Do on Saturday, 3k run on Sunday).  i think work is getting to me again.  you know how some people say that they love their work so much that they'd do it even if they didn't get paid? well, i haven't been paid in more than a month and am feeling very grouchy these days, which may mean that i don't love my work.  it's not the pay, really, although that helps.  the only real reason i'm here is because i made a deal with my boss that i'd see the project through--she's an amazing person and i don't want to make things difficult for her any more than they need to be.  even if i'm screaming inside.  maybe it's selfish of me to be thinking of what i want and how i feel but, i figured, my not wanting to be here isn't good for anybody.  obviously it sucks for me.  but it also doesn't bring any benefits for the project or my boss--i feel like it's a lose-lose situation because they're not getting the utmost quality of work out of me either.

health policy research, like nursing, is an admirable and noble career.  but maybe i'm just not meant to be admirable or noble.  and no matter how many lives are improved and saved because of these fields, that doesn't change the fact that i have neither the passion nor the skill for it.  i'd love to promote and advocate for the same causes (and more)--but i want to do it my way.

research is mostly about numbers and volumes--it's about the facts.  yes there's still the qualitative type, but somehow i feel that it can't be personal.  it has to be wholly unbiased, empirical.  but me being egocentric and all, i can't avoid giving my own two cents' worth.  maybe not explicitly, but it has to be there.  and i can't be impersonal.  that just isn't who i am.  i don't want to follow a rigid set of rules to come up with a solution--i want to find my own way of doing things.  i guess that's why i'm unhappy with what i'm doing now...i feel like i'm in a cage.  and nobody can say that it's fun to be in one, even if it's all sparkly and comfy and has everything you need.  you still want to get out of there. 

i want to get out of here.

debate

CHASING PAVEMENTS

I've made up my mind
No need to think it over
If I'm wrong I ain't right
No need to look no further
This ain't lust
This is love but

If I tell the world
I'll never say enough
Because it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I'm in love with you

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I'd build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?



**this is a few years old.  i've always really liked this song but never gave a thought to what it meant.  then i started singing it in my head a while ago and started to realize that this is how i'm feeling at the very moment.  i feel like this right now towards two aspects of my life. i really need to shake this off.

midnight at Krispy Kreme

it is midnight and i am waiting for my dad to pick me up at Gateway.  just finished yet another rehearsal for Saturday's Pintigan workshop recital.  i think i've been so preoccupied and stressed with this whole dream thing that it is entirely possible and probable that i've lost sight of my real mission in life.  no, it isn't to act, be on stage or at the center of everyone's attention.  it's not to become admired by the public nor to earn a ridiculously huge amount of money that can be used to supplement the many needs of my anemic wardrobe and personal desk at home.

why am i doing this?

i want to tell stories.  and not just to the people i know, but to the people who need to hear them.  i want to write.  i want to inhabit and portray all the exquisite human beings out there.  i want to dance.  i want to sing.  i want to create films and art and great literature.  anything!!! i just want to reach out to Your people, to my brothers and sisters.  i want to share Your love and message of salvation.  that is why i am doing this.

but to achieve that, i need to study and keep learning and practicing, as i am trying to do so now.  yesterday, a cry of desperation escaped from my throat, because there were so many criticisms and i felt slightly as if i weren't good enough for this, that i didn't have what it takes and had better figure out a different way to achieve my goal.  the day before, i somehow internally blamed my parents for my extreme self-consciousness and low self-esteem and, though there may be a point to the argument, i know better now.  i know that it is entirely up to me to take the steps to address this problem.  i need to truly believe that God's sufficiency allows me to be self-sufficient as well.  "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."  if i don't, then the blame for continuing to reside in the shadow will rest wholly on me.

You are what enables me to do anything and everything.  and it is also for You that i want to do these things.

wait a sec!

i know, i know.  a complete lack of significant posts the past weeks. i'm sorry! i'm telling you, i have tons to share.  i've written 'em all down on my diary--i just haven't had the chance to type them yet. boohoo.  it's just that i've been so preoccupied lately, and admittedly, with things that aren't all good.  but this week, i'm gonna be up to my neck with all the practices for my workshop recital so no can do.  so, if anyone bothers to read this blog, please don't go away! haha.

hello God

can you hear me? i really miss you.  i wish i could just feel again the magnitude of your love, feel in my very bones the truth that it alone is all i need.  because at this moment, it is but my faith that keeps me from letting go;  my emotions are trying to deceive me into thinking otherwise.  i am lonely. or alone.  i don't know the difference anymore.  it is as if sorrow is seeping into the spaces in my body where blood and fluid should be.  i sometimes feel like giving up.  i am in the blackest of tunnels and it feels like there is no end in sight.  i am almost losing hope that i shall ever get a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, if ever there is one at all.

my family is messed up but none of s either know how to fix things or is willing to go through hell for trying.  i am starting to doubt if the career i'd like to pursue, the career i think you want for me, is really what i should be working for, if only because i'm not showing much progress nor potential at the moment.  and i still see no prospect of meeting someone i can spend my life with.  to make things worse, i am unable to share your word and carry out my daily mission effectively.

i feel like i have made a garbage dump of things, somehow.  and i don't know if i can clean it up or, indeed, if anyone can.  can You? would You please?

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

graying

i had a great time at the Fresh party last night.  i really enjoyed seeing all the friends i made in YFC Campus, especially since i hadn't gone to any of the meetings and other events in a long time.  however, it did get me thinking that perhaps i was getting too old for this.  not for God, of course not.  not for sharing His word. not for forming deep relationships with other people. just for doing so in this medium, i guess.  the party, the music, the dancing, the prizes, the grandness of it all.i don't know why but it almost seemed impersonal.  or perhaps that was just me.  maybe that was further emphasized by the fact that i hardly knew anyone there anymore.  working in YFC requires really getting to know and even being intimate with so many people.  i enjoy that but i've never been the best at it.  sometimes i feel i do them an injustice by being the way i am--i forget names easily and take some time before i can really warm up to others.  there's the rare person whom i immediately form a connection with, but sometimes, i just have difficulty getting it going.

i love You, Lord, You know that.  and there is absolutely nothing i love more than doing my best to obey Your will and share Your love with other people.  right now, i'm just confused with how best to do that.  i hope You can help me figure it out.

phew!! (finally, a more serious post)

the last three weeks has just been an incredible whirlwind of events and emotions--i'm still reeling from it all, albeit in a good way.  i'm so happy!  i don't quite know where to start because there is just so much that has happened.  all i know is, i'm so grateful to You, Lord.  i know that regardless of whether incredible things are happening in my life or not, i should be thankful--and i am.  i have You.  i have more than anything i could possibly need.  i have Your love and the love of the people around me.

these days i feel as if You're especially encouraging me.  i hope my instinct is right. there are days when i am really tired, and there are plenty of awkward and difficult moments these past weeks as well.  but i like to think that i did what i could to make You proud of me, and so i can somehow be of service to You, however minutely or indirectly.  i feel that it would be a disservice to not maximize every ounce of what You have given me to use for the greater good.  enough isn't enough anymore.  i have to exhaust myself for You.  and that is what i want to do and am trying to do.  i know You'll always be with me, You'll always guide me and drive me to do what is right.  and i hope that i may always have Your grace and Spirit to enable me to obey your wise words at all times as well.

this is my inspiration these last few weeks:
"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint."  --Romans 5:5

you're ruining me

yesterday, i was blissful, hopeful.  today, i'm ruined--my heart is broken before anything even started.  ok, it's an overreaction but you know that feeling when you finally decide on buying this super awesome but expensive piece of whatever only to find out it isn't available anymore? well, it's sort of like that.

see, i developed a crush last tuesday--a real crush on a real person who actually knows i exist. ahem, johnny depp.  it's the first time this has happened in a looooooong time.  but i just found out now that he's taken.  i guess i suspected it but hoped for the best nonetheless.  but i shouldn't have.  a guy like that, surely a girl would've recognized him for what he's worth.

i don't know what to do, Lord.  this happens just when i'm coming to the realization that i need to be more open, take risks, not be so frightened about getting my heart broken and having to share who i really am with someone.  i guess i can only hope and pray, and just try to be who you want me to be, regardless of my relationship status.  but i do pray, with all the fervor i can muster, that if and when you do bring that person into my life, i would love him as much as a woman could ever love a man.