blind

though i be blinded by tears,
i walk the paith straight,
for it is my faith that leads the way.

Secretariat

Secretariat is the greatest racehorse who ever lived--he had both speed and endurance, and he really went the distance.  just watched this movie last Sunday, although i think i like Seabiscuit's story better :)


i'm usually an optimistic person.  but lately i've been really down in the dumps and have had extreme difficulty trying to find the good in certain situations.  for instance, i am literally swamped with work right now.  i'm not even looking forward to the Christmas season as much because i know that i'll end up working during most of it, same as last year.

an unrealistic amount of work has been assigned to us and i am frustrated because this whole cramming situation could have been avoided had some people higher up had the sense to manage their time properly.  i'm also upset because many of my suggestions have been shunned, even though my co-workers and i believe that some of these would really be helpful, especially considering the tight spot we're in at the moment.  i feel like we aren't only overworked and taken for granted, we're also undervalued and underappreciated.  and that really pisses me off more than anything.  yet here i am.

currently i have a very limited pool of motivations that keep me working and prevent me from going awol.  1 is You, of course.  i don't want to give You a bad name. 2nd is i don't want to cause additional hardships for my coworkers and yes, even my bosses, although the despicable me sometimes thinks it would serve them right.  3rd i hate quitting, especially when i'm so close to the finish line.  4th i need a recommendation letter for grad school (my selfish reason).

i know there MUST be something to be learned from all this.  and i do hope i get the lesson the first time, so i can avoid this situation altogether in the future.

please help me find the strength to keep on running this race.

wow

so this is how busy i've been. i didn't even rant online for half a month! hahahah.
never ever try to cram a year's worth of activities in a quarter.  you'll get a year's worth of illnesses too X_X

anyway, i was just marvelling at the power that love has.  i was doing some calls for work a while ago and was advised to write to the director of this company and, surprise surprise! they share the same name.  just hearing that word, even if it's not the same person, makes me smile from ear to ear.

wait, did i say love? hmmmm....

why?!

did you know that men benefit from marriage more than women do?

and yet women are still crazy enough to get into this whole thing.  that really means something, doesn't it?

in other news:

i want to do a berber so bad! SOS. my boss semi-reprimanded me and my co-worker for not answering her text messages yesterday (Sunday).  first, i didn't do that on purpose; i just hadn't realized that my work phone died on me already and only got to charge it late at night.  second, it's a freakin Sunday and we had absolutely no agreement whatsoever that i would be asked to work on a weekend so it shouldn't have mattered anyway, right?  i can't answer to their every beck and call. third, this isn't the project that i'm supposed to be working on and the project that did hire me hasn't paid me for over a month now.  now tell me, am i still obliged to work as a research slave here? technically speaking, am i allowed to break my contract, given that they aren't sticking to their side of it either? opinions most welcome :D

sorry for the ranting.

i think doing something just to get over with it is perhaps the worst way to waste one's time.  you're much beter off daydreaming about siberian huskies and golden retrievers, or singing along to a karaoke machine, or even clipping your nails.  at least they're much more satisying. or useful.

i don't know how i'm supposed to keep going, especially when the only motivation i have for working is so that i can finish it and get out of this situation asap.  i know i should still do my best--i gave my word and breaking it would wreak havoc (is this an exaggeration?) on my boss, colleagues, and the project.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..."  --Colossians 3:23

rebel heart

this sounds like a good song to walk down the aisle to...

ambisyosa ba ko?!?! hahah. blame it on the wedding planning, as well as a series of chats with a friend about love and our ideals.

Erik Erikson was right.

sinusuyod ang laro

i have developed a recent LSS with Imago's Sundo and, even though i have been told countless times how very high school it is, i will admit that i can relate...

last Sunday, during Halloween Karaoke night with some friends, the issue of the game came up.  and i realized, i don't want to play the game or have anything to do with it, even if it's practically a norm now.  that's just not how i want to do things. 

sometimes we have to be adults.

slowly, steadily, surely

"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will sure come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3 (LB)

these days, there are two main things that occupy the space between my ears--love and dreams. nary a day goes by that i do not fret about either one of these. i am approximately twenty two years, 9 months, 14 days, and 18 hours old as of this writing, yet i feel as if a better person could have managed to travel farther down the road had she been in my stead. sometimes i wonder if the blame may be placed on me and my human inadequacies. perhaps i am not nearly as lovable as the rest of them; the combination of my character, my history, my environment does not make for a desirable lass. or perhaps i am much more asinine than i think myself to be, and the mistakes that i make as a consequence of such prevent me from landing my rear end on greener pastures or in the arms of Prince Charming or even the hind legs of the Frog Prince, at the very least. perhaps i am overreaching and think too much of myself and my capabilities, when i really have no proof of my talents, no commendation of any sort. maybe i am schizophrenic, and what i perceive to be God's plan and mission for me are, in truth, just delusions of grandeur. and so i walk in unease; i despair.

but this verse gives me hope. not just hope that i am not a lunatic, but hope that God's promise will come true for each and every one of us, including myself. hope and faith that everything is exactly where it ought be, and i am, even now amidst the confusion and difficulties, in the place where i am meant to be for the moment. and i believe that, slowly, steadily, surely, His plans and promises for me will come to pass.

here we go again

when are you gonna get it through your thick skull, silly little girl?! let's get real please.
hmm...how are we supposed to deal with this tortured situation?

distractions?
avoidance?
denial?
masochism?

i think the first two might be the better options, but i have the sinking feeling that i'll end up with the last no matter what i say or do anyway. haaaay. pray pray pray.

from the inside out

it's been a while, huh?  i guess i've just been preoccupied (not necessarily with the noblest of things, mind you).

anyway, i just wanted to share this years old song with you (even though most of you are probably already familiar with it).  from the very first notes, this song always has me kneeling on the ground.  it is as if every eighth slowly creeps into my veins, until my soul is full of His presence.  

i hope you also have that one thing that manages to reach and move your very core, even the most frozen of all your insides, the most putrid of all your dark secrets, the most sorrowful of all your cold tears.  and i hope that thing or person breathes life back into you, restores you to your inherent glory.

pseudo fall

oh!
how lovely
the many leaves
falling flying floating freely
slowly quickly then quickly slowly
twirling like in a dance gaily

/

is it weird to want someone to tell you if they're busy and can't respond to you immediately, as opposed to having to check your phone every now and then, eagerly anticipating a message that might not even arrive?

i was just wondering.  'cause i think i might prefer the former option, but maybe it sounds too weird and OC to other people.  but that's me--weird and OC. what can i do?

i just don't like waiting.  i guess i really need to learn to be more patient and understanding. haaay!

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act..."  -Psalm 37:7

here we go

i chanced upon a friend's blog a while ago and this verse greeted me:

"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast." --Ephesians 2:8-9 (NASB)

he was recalling a specific talk in an event two years ago (the post was also written at that time), and it made me realize how i should really learn to be grateful everyday for what i have and who i am and what i can and can't do.  many times, there is a tendency to try to take matters into my own hands (which is not wholly a bad thing) and getting carried away in the process.  i forget that, in my 22 years of life, not once has doing so incredibly altered my life or that of others for good.  if i have ever done anything worthwhile in my time, it is only because of Him who willed it, He who gave me both the opportunity and the ability to carry it out, however undeserving i am.

the past months, i have been largely preoccupied with career issues and chasing down my dreams of glory and immortality.  not really for money or fame or admiration--no, not anymore.  i just wanted to accomplish something in this lifetime, you know? to have been of some good use during my time on earth.  this longing has consumed me, but not in an entirely positive manner.  i feel that, at times, i have been oblivious to the people and things and events around me, those that truly matter although might not necessarily be directly instrumental in achieving the big dreams and plans i have for saving the world.  i fret too much and fear that, when i pass away, i would have done no one any good.  but now i realize that i have been worrying ceaselessly about things that are beyond my control.  i must not demand nor expect that my frail body, my vacuous mind, and my flawed heart will change the world.  i can only hope and try my best to do what good i can, bearing in mind that whatever little or plenty is accomplished is done so with His grace.

"Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you.  Before you were born, I set you apart for a special work." --Jeremiah 1:5

the first verse will serve to ground in humility, the second to empower.

nevertheless perfect

i was writing in my journal just now, counting the leaves remaining (only 16 left!) until i would have to switch to a new one.  i anticipate that day with both excitement and apprehension.  the former because, well, naturally! haha.  i'm excited because whenever i write in my journal, it usually signifies a strong emotion or insight or idea and, reardless of the mood of the entry, it's still something to be grateful for.  it means i'm alive and i still have the energy to write about all these things, to remind myself later on.  although, at times, the absence of entries can also be a good thing.  i recall moments when i've just been so overwhelmed with activities and what-have-you's (both in a positive and negative sense), that i haven't had the time to write about them.  there is also a slight feeling of apprehension.  right now, it's mainly because i love my golden (literally) journal so much and i know that when the pages are filled, i'll be switching to a simpler, green one.  the latter is a gift from a really good friend, and i really appreciate his gesture.  but the former, a present from my eldest sister last Christmas, just makes me smile every time i take it out of my bag.  it's really a shallow reason but, hey, i'm allowed to be superficial once in a while, right?

while counting the remaining pages, i chanced upon older entries in my journal as well.  sometimes, i like to do a random flip and read whatever is written on that page.  if i like what i read, i'll keep going.  this time, i read my entries from late June 2010 to early July.  they were all so bright and hopeful and positive.  July 8 was even described as a perfect day.  I couldn't help comparing such to my more recent entries, some of which are abundantly peppered with heavy sighs and complaints and uncertain endings. so, i've decided to do something about it.

i declare: this day, and every day hence, will be a perfect day.

valley

haaay. today, i hate you. well, i don't HATE you. but i can't concentrate right now, and i feel it's because of you.  yes, i'm blaming you hahaha.  i know, i know, it's really my own fault.

haay, Lord. SOS.  there's nothing i can do about that right now, it's wholly up to You.  if it's not in Your plan to do something about it now, please help me focus on what can be done at the moment instead.  like my work, for instance.  or the character profile i'm supposed to be developing.  or the book i'm supposed to be editing. or the million other things i planned on accomplishing before i got distracted by all the butterflies fluttering in the room.

a simple wish

i was writing for my other blog when i suddenly realized that there's something i really want to do now, more than anything else in the world, and that is this:


Abbie Cornish as Fanny Brawne in BrightStar

i want this more than anything right now, seriously.  i'd trade all my 2010 Christmas presents for a day spent lying on a beautiful bed of flowers, with a canopy of trees above my head. yes, i would love that very much.  anybody know where i can find a place like this in the country (better if in Luzon or even Metro Manila)?  i'd settle for different flowers, or even fresh green grass.  i would just like some peace right now, and time to breathe and rest and think and pray and appreciate the beauty of this world.

nearness

"Where can I run from Your love?"

The song is my inspiration for today.  I hit quite a high the last two weeks that I was bound to return to my bipolar roots one of these days.  Of course, I’m still trying to keep in mind the lessons and realizations and emotions that made me feel so great in the first place, but I cannot really control what happens around me—I can only try to control myself, and even that doesn’t work according to plan most of the time.  Today, for instance, I’m back on the ground and find that I still have to face the same issues that I have been contending with the past few months.  I have a dispassionate relationship with my work and my word is keeping me hostage here.  I have a love-hate relationship with my family.  I am burdened with insecurities and inadequacies.  I am a prisoner of this dark, deeply troubled world.  And though I am so blessed with people who sincerely care for me, I still cannot help feel lonely at one point or another.

Yet, in spite of all this, I have the grace and strength to stay positive.  It's because of You.  No matter what happens, I know You are right beside me.  If I have problems with my relationships, You're always there to hold me tight.  If I feel as if I can no longer stomach the tasks at hand, You cheer me on and find ways to make it worth my while.  When I feel so insufficient, You give me so much, that I may have more than what I need.  When I'm scared and lost, You light the way for me.  When I cannot stand being with myself, You remind me of who I truly am.  You're always here, always near.

60 hours of waiting

was i wrong to do that?  i certainly hope not. 

i think the coming weeks will certainly be an exercise in patience and self-control and faith.

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strenght; they shall mount up with wings like eagles.  They shall run and not be wear.  They shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

Romans 5:5

"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint."

patience, dear.

milestone (and a red box with a puppy on top and letters inside)

thursday all day, while at the BON Nursing Roadmap meeting
friday night, while having Korean dinner with jill, dianne, kara, chen, ginny
saturday super early morning, when i got home
saturday night
sunday morning, noon, and night

i'm sure this doesn't make sense to any of you (indeed if there are any of you reading this), but that's just how i like it.  i just felt the need to shout it out without really explaining what i'm saying.  it's between me and myself.  just help me pray for this, please, whatever it is or isn't :D