DISCLAIMER

if you ever chance upon this blog, i must warn you now before you read anything else.  this can get really mushy.  i like to document random thoughts, emotions, insights, etc here, usually at the heat of the moment.  so please excuse the excessive amounts of drama and corniness that ensues.  read at your own risk. and remember, you do it out of your own volition.

whatever

i'm quite stressed and exhausted right now--and i don't think it's just because of last weekend's back-to-back physical activities (Hwa Rang Do on Saturday, 3k run on Sunday).  i think work is getting to me again.  you know how some people say that they love their work so much that they'd do it even if they didn't get paid? well, i haven't been paid in more than a month and am feeling very grouchy these days, which may mean that i don't love my work.  it's not the pay, really, although that helps.  the only real reason i'm here is because i made a deal with my boss that i'd see the project through--she's an amazing person and i don't want to make things difficult for her any more than they need to be.  even if i'm screaming inside.  maybe it's selfish of me to be thinking of what i want and how i feel but, i figured, my not wanting to be here isn't good for anybody.  obviously it sucks for me.  but it also doesn't bring any benefits for the project or my boss--i feel like it's a lose-lose situation because they're not getting the utmost quality of work out of me either.

health policy research, like nursing, is an admirable and noble career.  but maybe i'm just not meant to be admirable or noble.  and no matter how many lives are improved and saved because of these fields, that doesn't change the fact that i have neither the passion nor the skill for it.  i'd love to promote and advocate for the same causes (and more)--but i want to do it my way.

research is mostly about numbers and volumes--it's about the facts.  yes there's still the qualitative type, but somehow i feel that it can't be personal.  it has to be wholly unbiased, empirical.  but me being egocentric and all, i can't avoid giving my own two cents' worth.  maybe not explicitly, but it has to be there.  and i can't be impersonal.  that just isn't who i am.  i don't want to follow a rigid set of rules to come up with a solution--i want to find my own way of doing things.  i guess that's why i'm unhappy with what i'm doing now...i feel like i'm in a cage.  and nobody can say that it's fun to be in one, even if it's all sparkly and comfy and has everything you need.  you still want to get out of there. 

i want to get out of here.

debate

CHASING PAVEMENTS

I've made up my mind
No need to think it over
If I'm wrong I ain't right
No need to look no further
This ain't lust
This is love but

If I tell the world
I'll never say enough
Because it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I'm in love with you

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I'd build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?



**this is a few years old.  i've always really liked this song but never gave a thought to what it meant.  then i started singing it in my head a while ago and started to realize that this is how i'm feeling at the very moment.  i feel like this right now towards two aspects of my life. i really need to shake this off.

midnight at Krispy Kreme

it is midnight and i am waiting for my dad to pick me up at Gateway.  just finished yet another rehearsal for Saturday's Pintigan workshop recital.  i think i've been so preoccupied and stressed with this whole dream thing that it is entirely possible and probable that i've lost sight of my real mission in life.  no, it isn't to act, be on stage or at the center of everyone's attention.  it's not to become admired by the public nor to earn a ridiculously huge amount of money that can be used to supplement the many needs of my anemic wardrobe and personal desk at home.

why am i doing this?

i want to tell stories.  and not just to the people i know, but to the people who need to hear them.  i want to write.  i want to inhabit and portray all the exquisite human beings out there.  i want to dance.  i want to sing.  i want to create films and art and great literature.  anything!!! i just want to reach out to Your people, to my brothers and sisters.  i want to share Your love and message of salvation.  that is why i am doing this.

but to achieve that, i need to study and keep learning and practicing, as i am trying to do so now.  yesterday, a cry of desperation escaped from my throat, because there were so many criticisms and i felt slightly as if i weren't good enough for this, that i didn't have what it takes and had better figure out a different way to achieve my goal.  the day before, i somehow internally blamed my parents for my extreme self-consciousness and low self-esteem and, though there may be a point to the argument, i know better now.  i know that it is entirely up to me to take the steps to address this problem.  i need to truly believe that God's sufficiency allows me to be self-sufficient as well.  "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."  if i don't, then the blame for continuing to reside in the shadow will rest wholly on me.

You are what enables me to do anything and everything.  and it is also for You that i want to do these things.

wait a sec!

i know, i know.  a complete lack of significant posts the past weeks. i'm sorry! i'm telling you, i have tons to share.  i've written 'em all down on my diary--i just haven't had the chance to type them yet. boohoo.  it's just that i've been so preoccupied lately, and admittedly, with things that aren't all good.  but this week, i'm gonna be up to my neck with all the practices for my workshop recital so no can do.  so, if anyone bothers to read this blog, please don't go away! haha.

hello God

can you hear me? i really miss you.  i wish i could just feel again the magnitude of your love, feel in my very bones the truth that it alone is all i need.  because at this moment, it is but my faith that keeps me from letting go;  my emotions are trying to deceive me into thinking otherwise.  i am lonely. or alone.  i don't know the difference anymore.  it is as if sorrow is seeping into the spaces in my body where blood and fluid should be.  i sometimes feel like giving up.  i am in the blackest of tunnels and it feels like there is no end in sight.  i am almost losing hope that i shall ever get a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, if ever there is one at all.

my family is messed up but none of s either know how to fix things or is willing to go through hell for trying.  i am starting to doubt if the career i'd like to pursue, the career i think you want for me, is really what i should be working for, if only because i'm not showing much progress nor potential at the moment.  and i still see no prospect of meeting someone i can spend my life with.  to make things worse, i am unable to share your word and carry out my daily mission effectively.

i feel like i have made a garbage dump of things, somehow.  and i don't know if i can clean it up or, indeed, if anyone can.  can You? would You please?

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

graying

i had a great time at the Fresh party last night.  i really enjoyed seeing all the friends i made in YFC Campus, especially since i hadn't gone to any of the meetings and other events in a long time.  however, it did get me thinking that perhaps i was getting too old for this.  not for God, of course not.  not for sharing His word. not for forming deep relationships with other people. just for doing so in this medium, i guess.  the party, the music, the dancing, the prizes, the grandness of it all.i don't know why but it almost seemed impersonal.  or perhaps that was just me.  maybe that was further emphasized by the fact that i hardly knew anyone there anymore.  working in YFC requires really getting to know and even being intimate with so many people.  i enjoy that but i've never been the best at it.  sometimes i feel i do them an injustice by being the way i am--i forget names easily and take some time before i can really warm up to others.  there's the rare person whom i immediately form a connection with, but sometimes, i just have difficulty getting it going.

i love You, Lord, You know that.  and there is absolutely nothing i love more than doing my best to obey Your will and share Your love with other people.  right now, i'm just confused with how best to do that.  i hope You can help me figure it out.

phew!! (finally, a more serious post)

the last three weeks has just been an incredible whirlwind of events and emotions--i'm still reeling from it all, albeit in a good way.  i'm so happy!  i don't quite know where to start because there is just so much that has happened.  all i know is, i'm so grateful to You, Lord.  i know that regardless of whether incredible things are happening in my life or not, i should be thankful--and i am.  i have You.  i have more than anything i could possibly need.  i have Your love and the love of the people around me.

these days i feel as if You're especially encouraging me.  i hope my instinct is right. there are days when i am really tired, and there are plenty of awkward and difficult moments these past weeks as well.  but i like to think that i did what i could to make You proud of me, and so i can somehow be of service to You, however minutely or indirectly.  i feel that it would be a disservice to not maximize every ounce of what You have given me to use for the greater good.  enough isn't enough anymore.  i have to exhaust myself for You.  and that is what i want to do and am trying to do.  i know You'll always be with me, You'll always guide me and drive me to do what is right.  and i hope that i may always have Your grace and Spirit to enable me to obey your wise words at all times as well.

this is my inspiration these last few weeks:
"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint."  --Romans 5:5

you're ruining me

yesterday, i was blissful, hopeful.  today, i'm ruined--my heart is broken before anything even started.  ok, it's an overreaction but you know that feeling when you finally decide on buying this super awesome but expensive piece of whatever only to find out it isn't available anymore? well, it's sort of like that.

see, i developed a crush last tuesday--a real crush on a real person who actually knows i exist. ahem, johnny depp.  it's the first time this has happened in a looooooong time.  but i just found out now that he's taken.  i guess i suspected it but hoped for the best nonetheless.  but i shouldn't have.  a guy like that, surely a girl would've recognized him for what he's worth.

i don't know what to do, Lord.  this happens just when i'm coming to the realization that i need to be more open, take risks, not be so frightened about getting my heart broken and having to share who i really am with someone.  i guess i can only hope and pray, and just try to be who you want me to be, regardless of my relationship status.  but i do pray, with all the fervor i can muster, that if and when you do bring that person into my life, i would love him as much as a woman could ever love a man.

NaBloPoMo - 6/8

i'm a bit late in posting this bt i really wanted to answer the question.

You've just been given a million dollars. You are not allowed to keep it or give it to anyone you know personally. What do you do with it and why?


hmm, this is a toughie--i can think of so much i want to do (or buy) with a million bucks.  but in case this would be my first and last million dollars evah, i'd want to use it in the best way possible.
 
i have a dream.  and my dream is that everyone can pursue their dreams regardless of their physical traits or social backgrounds.  so, i'd probably launch some sort of foundation that provides grants to deserving, hard-working, pure-intentioned applicants. it's kind of like a scholarship program/support network for anyone who needs some assistance in pursuing their dreams.
 
and to ensure that the funds keep coming, the awardees of these grants will be asked to contribute to the foundation as well.  naturally, there will also be a social arm wherein the members of this community try to pass on their talents, especially to the less fortunate, and so on.  so it's a community of dreamers and believers! i'm excited already.  when do i get my $ 1,000,000.00???

the right side part

having nothing to do at work today (for the nth day in a row, mind you), i spent a good part of it just aimlessly looking at the articles on Yahoo, as well as reading my gazillion emails, most of which are newsletters from various style sites.  i chanced upon several articles on Elle about short hairstyles.  naturally, this interested me, especially since i've been sporting the pixie for 2 months now.

i read about a real woman's experience on how her short hairstyle affected her relationships, as well as dating statistics (less people hit on her but now she's finally dating a guy who likes her hair and still loves her regardless of her hairstyle), different short hairstyles to try (ranging from the buzz cut to wavy bobs), and how your hairstyle affects others' perception of you (hair color, maintenance level, length, side part).

the article that caught my attention the most was the last, probably because the author dropped bits of statistics and historical information while discussing how your hairstyle is affecting your career--nothing like entertainment and education rolled into one happy, stylish package!  i especially enjoyed the part where she discussed what the side part tells about a person.  apparently, a left side part is linked to left-brained activities (logic, problem-solving), while having a right side part drew unconscious attention to activities controlled by the right hemisphere of the brain (artistic skills, non-linear thinking).  only 3 of the past American Presidents had a right side part, while “The best writers, eggheads, and artists tend to part their hair on the right”.

just before i started typing this on my desktop, my hair was parted on the left side.  i've been styling it like that since i got my short haircut because that's what gives me the full bangs ala Carey Mulligan or Michelle Williams.  see, my hairdresser, the lovely old woman, didn't quite get the cut that i wanted so i tried to figure out a low-cost remedy, hence, a switching of side parts.  curiously enough, however, and it is only upon reading the said article that i found this bit curious, smy hairdresser pointed out to me that my puyo was located at the right side of my forehead, which was why she had to go with my natural RIGHT side part.

it probably doesn't mean much to you, dear reader (if there is indeed someone reading this blog), but this is yet another tiny and weird affirmation of my calling.  i have a natural right side part! never mind that i'm not left-handed though. what i'm trying to say is, THIS is really what i'm supposed to be doing: i feel it in my bones, in my skin, in my heart, in my very being.  i know it from what i've learned about God, and i feel it when i converse with Him.  and now, my side part has confirmed it. hahahahaha.

Freedom

so it's National Blog Posting Month and, thanks to Keet, as well as a massive dose of boredom and a lack of things to do here at the office (weird, right?), i'll try to follow the writing prompts from the site.

today's task: define freedom

Freedom is when you have the luxury to do absolutely anything, but only choose to do that which is right by you.  It's when you acknowledge the presence of so many variables in the equation without letting yourself get carried away unnecessarily by any one of them.

COURAGE (working title)

the beauty in uncertainty
is neither the thrill nor the excitement of it
rather, it is in the act
of giving yourself completely
it is in the feeling of being
both brave and cowardly
it is not uncertainty itself
but the vulnerability
that is man


**this is my first stab at writing poems in almost a decade, i think.  i was inspired by my current situations, and a bit from watching the film BrightStar, which is about the poet John Keats

Jung Test reslts

Extroverted (E) 69.7% vs. Introverted (I) Intuitive (N) 52.5% vs. Sensing (S) Feeling (F) 58.82% vs. Thinking (T) Judging (J) 51.61%  vs. Perceiving (P)

Your type is: ENFJ

ENFJ - "Persuader". Outstanding leader of groups. Can be aggressive at helping others to be the best that they can be. 2.5% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

ENFJ outgoing, social, attention seeking, emotional, loving, organized, comfortable around others, involved, open, hyperactive, complimentary, punctual, considerate, altruistic, easily hurt, religious, neat, content, positive, affectionate, image conscious, good at getting people to have fun, easily excited, perfectionist, assertive, ambitious, leader, hard working, seductive, touchy, group oriented, anti-tattoos

*the descriptions listed here are made up of personality items. people who scored high on this type scored higher on the above items compared to the average.

favored careers: casting directory, film critic, wedding planner, work in the performing arts, teacher (art, preschool, elementary), actor, fashion designer, news anchor, fashion merchandisier, school psychologist, broadcaster, stylist, interior designer, event coordinator, restarant owner, childcare worker, hair stylist, film director, counselor, dancer

disfavored careers: race car driver, scientist, computer specialist, airline pilot, computer programmer, financial manager, epidemiologist, truck driver, electrical engineer, software designer, web designer, business consultant, dj, bookseller

from the depths

i've been stressing and doubting and downing myself lately. but now i realize that God is and will forvermore be with me at all times.  His words, His hands reach out to me from everywhere, literally, and through every channel.

the following is taken from the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional last May 28, 2010

God often lets problems become impossibilities

by Rick Warren

"At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (PH)


When the pursuit of your dream deteriorates from difficult to impossible; when the situation looks hopeless, congratulations! You're in good company.

Even Paul went through dead ends: "At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 PH)

If God can raise people physically, he can raise people who are dead emotionally. He can raise a dead marriage. He can resurrect a dead career. He can resurrect you from a health problem. If God can raise the dead, he can do anything.

In Abraham's situation, God said, "I want you to become the father of a nation," but then Abraham had to wait until he was ninety-nine years old before he had his first child. The Bible shows Abraham's situation going from difficult to impossible. He looks at his body and says, "No way!" Then he looks at his wife and says, "Double no way!"

But Sarah got pregnant and they laughed about it. When the baby was born, they named him Isaac, which means laughter.

God often lets problems become impossibilities. The disciples planned to follow Jesus. They thought he was the Messiah, but then the next thing they know Jesus is hanging on the cross, dying. Was this a dead end for the disciples? For three days it seemed that way, but then Jesus walked out of the tomb.

When you face a dead end, you may start asking, "What's going on, God? Did I miss your will? Your plan? Have I missed your vision?" Keep in mind that dead ends are part of God's plan for you.

What's the best response to a dead end? "He has delivered us from such a terrible death, and He will deliver us; we have placed our hope in Him that He will deliver us again." (2 Corinthians 1:10 HCSB)

live your dreams, kat

no matter what.  that's what He would want for you and for the life He gave you.

Solid Scripture for Dark Days

*i'm reposting from this site

Many Christians today struggle to find comfort and peace in the midst of a world full of pain, suffering, confusion, turmoil and sin. At times it can seem as if there is no hope or that God has seemingly turned His back upon His children. This could not be farther from the truth. Throughout Scripture, particularly the Psalms, God speaks His eternal Word of encouragement and peace into the midst of troublesome situations, granting the assurance only He can give. The following Bible verses should be on the memorization list of every Christian and should be said aloud in the midst of life's darkest moments.

1.Rescue from Persecution. "I come to You for protection, O Lord, my God. Save me from my persecutors-rescue me!" Psalm 7:1 (nlt)

2.God is my Strength. "I love you, Lord, You are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior. My God is my rock in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me and my place of safety. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and He saved me from my enemies." Psalm 18:1-3 (nlt)

3.God is close to the Brokenhearted. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He recues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (nlt)

4.God Has a Plan for your Life. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, they are plans for good, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (nlt)

5.Nothing Can Separate Us from God's love. "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger or threatened with death? No! Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us." Romans 8:35-37

6.God Works All Things Together. "And we know God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." Romans 8:28 (nlt)

7.God hears my cry. "I love the Lord because He hears my voice and prayer for mercy. I will pray as long as I have breath." Psalm 116:1-2 (nlt)

Audrey: the beauty of a woman

For attractive lips
speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes
seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure
share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair
let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise
walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People
even more than things
have to be restored
renewed
revived
reclaimed
and redeemed
never throw out anyone.
Remember,
if you ever need a helping hand,
you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older
you will discover that you have two hands
one for helping yourself
and the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

**i love love love Audrey Hepburn.  i really want to be like her - the grace, the poise, the intellect, the kindness that she epitomizes. that's the type of person i want to be like. i don't need to be extremely fashionable or trendy; nor do i need or want to be the center of attention. i just want to be a good person and to exude inner grace and beauty and peace of mind, to know that i have done everything in my power to help others through my God-given gifts and talents.


The previous poem was written by the late educator-humorist Sam Levinson for his grandchild and read by Audrey Hepburn on Christmas Eve, 1992. It was also used by Ms. Hepburn on occasions when she was asked for beauty tips. [From Audrey Hepburn by Barry Paris, 1996, Putnam]

should i or shouldn't i?

i wrote a letter to my boss as part of the homework she gave us on technical writing.  it's supposed to be about why we should stay on the project (aka employed) but i ended up writing a letter about how i wish she'd replace me instead.  i wrote from the heart.

should i send her that letter or write a fake one on why i should stay hired? i'm not an awful employee so i'm sure i could find something to argue the case--i'm just not sure if i want to....

on one hand, i really can't imagine doing this for a year and one month more.  i feel like i'm wasting my time and energy doing something i have no interest in.  so even if i am gaining some skills, these aren't skills that i want to develop anyway.

but on the other hand, what am i going to do without this job? i guess i could look for a new one, maybe a part-time job, and even study something i actually want to learn in preparation for something that i actually want to do in the future.  i'm just not sure if i am ready for that.

there is also the chance that even if i give the real letter, she won't fire me.  but whenever i see her, i'll know that she knows that i don't really want to be here.  how would that affect the whole situation, i wonder?