from the depths

i've been stressing and doubting and downing myself lately. but now i realize that God is and will forvermore be with me at all times.  His words, His hands reach out to me from everywhere, literally, and through every channel.

the following is taken from the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional last May 28, 2010

God often lets problems become impossibilities

by Rick Warren

"At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (PH)


When the pursuit of your dream deteriorates from difficult to impossible; when the situation looks hopeless, congratulations! You're in good company.

Even Paul went through dead ends: "At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 PH)

If God can raise people physically, he can raise people who are dead emotionally. He can raise a dead marriage. He can resurrect a dead career. He can resurrect you from a health problem. If God can raise the dead, he can do anything.

In Abraham's situation, God said, "I want you to become the father of a nation," but then Abraham had to wait until he was ninety-nine years old before he had his first child. The Bible shows Abraham's situation going from difficult to impossible. He looks at his body and says, "No way!" Then he looks at his wife and says, "Double no way!"

But Sarah got pregnant and they laughed about it. When the baby was born, they named him Isaac, which means laughter.

God often lets problems become impossibilities. The disciples planned to follow Jesus. They thought he was the Messiah, but then the next thing they know Jesus is hanging on the cross, dying. Was this a dead end for the disciples? For three days it seemed that way, but then Jesus walked out of the tomb.

When you face a dead end, you may start asking, "What's going on, God? Did I miss your will? Your plan? Have I missed your vision?" Keep in mind that dead ends are part of God's plan for you.

What's the best response to a dead end? "He has delivered us from such a terrible death, and He will deliver us; we have placed our hope in Him that He will deliver us again." (2 Corinthians 1:10 HCSB)

live your dreams, kat

no matter what.  that's what He would want for you and for the life He gave you.

Solid Scripture for Dark Days

*i'm reposting from this site

Many Christians today struggle to find comfort and peace in the midst of a world full of pain, suffering, confusion, turmoil and sin. At times it can seem as if there is no hope or that God has seemingly turned His back upon His children. This could not be farther from the truth. Throughout Scripture, particularly the Psalms, God speaks His eternal Word of encouragement and peace into the midst of troublesome situations, granting the assurance only He can give. The following Bible verses should be on the memorization list of every Christian and should be said aloud in the midst of life's darkest moments.

1.Rescue from Persecution. "I come to You for protection, O Lord, my God. Save me from my persecutors-rescue me!" Psalm 7:1 (nlt)

2.God is my Strength. "I love you, Lord, You are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior. My God is my rock in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me and my place of safety. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and He saved me from my enemies." Psalm 18:1-3 (nlt)

3.God is close to the Brokenhearted. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He recues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (nlt)

4.God Has a Plan for your Life. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, they are plans for good, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (nlt)

5.Nothing Can Separate Us from God's love. "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger or threatened with death? No! Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us." Romans 8:35-37

6.God Works All Things Together. "And we know God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." Romans 8:28 (nlt)

7.God hears my cry. "I love the Lord because He hears my voice and prayer for mercy. I will pray as long as I have breath." Psalm 116:1-2 (nlt)

Audrey: the beauty of a woman

For attractive lips
speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes
seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure
share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair
let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise
walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People
even more than things
have to be restored
renewed
revived
reclaimed
and redeemed
never throw out anyone.
Remember,
if you ever need a helping hand,
you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older
you will discover that you have two hands
one for helping yourself
and the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

**i love love love Audrey Hepburn.  i really want to be like her - the grace, the poise, the intellect, the kindness that she epitomizes. that's the type of person i want to be like. i don't need to be extremely fashionable or trendy; nor do i need or want to be the center of attention. i just want to be a good person and to exude inner grace and beauty and peace of mind, to know that i have done everything in my power to help others through my God-given gifts and talents.


The previous poem was written by the late educator-humorist Sam Levinson for his grandchild and read by Audrey Hepburn on Christmas Eve, 1992. It was also used by Ms. Hepburn on occasions when she was asked for beauty tips. [From Audrey Hepburn by Barry Paris, 1996, Putnam]

should i or shouldn't i?

i wrote a letter to my boss as part of the homework she gave us on technical writing.  it's supposed to be about why we should stay on the project (aka employed) but i ended up writing a letter about how i wish she'd replace me instead.  i wrote from the heart.

should i send her that letter or write a fake one on why i should stay hired? i'm not an awful employee so i'm sure i could find something to argue the case--i'm just not sure if i want to....

on one hand, i really can't imagine doing this for a year and one month more.  i feel like i'm wasting my time and energy doing something i have no interest in.  so even if i am gaining some skills, these aren't skills that i want to develop anyway.

but on the other hand, what am i going to do without this job? i guess i could look for a new one, maybe a part-time job, and even study something i actually want to learn in preparation for something that i actually want to do in the future.  i'm just not sure if i am ready for that.

there is also the chance that even if i give the real letter, she won't fire me.  but whenever i see her, i'll know that she knows that i don't really want to be here.  how would that affect the whole situation, i wonder?

the virtue of being stubborn

a lot of people will probably tell you that i am about as stubborn as a mountain (or a mule) and, i'm afraid to say, it isn't always a good thing to be so.

yesterday, i was really drawn in to the priest's sermon about the virtue of being stubborn.  apparently, being stubborn can be a good thing, given two conditions;  if you're going to be stubborn, you might as well ask yourself these two questions:

1. Am I right?

obviously! but then again, not so.  sometimes, nay oftentimes, we are stubborn simply because of our pride. or maybe we're too lazy to gain a new perspective or get the correct answer.  but if you know you're right about something, then that is already half a reason to be stubborn.  you may proceed to the next question.  but if you know you're wrong, then stop right there! what you need is perhaps a lesson in humility.  perhaps in another blog post...

2. Is it worthwhile?

even though we are right, sometimes, the things we are fighting for may not necessarily be worth the trouble.  we have to ask ourselves if the case is worthwhile, or if being stubborn will bring more harm than good in then end.  if it is something that might bring a bit of pain and inconvenience at first but can eventually bring understanding, then go for it.  don't let the frustration and exasperation keep you from staying true to these good beliefs.

i think we can also refer to this virtue as INTEGRITY.

defying gravity

while reading a barrage of daily emails, i stumbled across an article on Vanity Fair about Gisele Bundchen.  i was quite in awe at her ability and determination to stay fit and healthy in spite of her pregnancy (look at that body!).  but, more than anything else, i was most inspired by her philanthropic involvements and projects.  she's doing so much for the environment, for the youth, for the poor.  i want to make as much of a good difference as i can too, both in the lives of my loved ones and to the rest of the world.

i remember telling my parents some time ago how i feel it's important to do good now instead of waiting until i'm more successful later on.  i still stand by that statement.  however, i must now add that it's also important to determine how much you can give now without compromising your ability to keep giving later on. what i mean is, you also have to ensure that what you're doing now will not prevent you from accomplishing your mission.  sometimes, even when you're doing good, the overall outcome might not be as great if you had decided to act in a different manner, to go in a different direction.  maybe you're volunteering on the side now but had you focused on a certain thing (still volunteering but mindful of your goals), maybe you would've done more and better in the end.  of course, this doesn't mean you focus on one thing completely and disregard the rest.  the key is prioritizing.  ideally, too, your day job has to have a lot to do with your goals so that you don't have to resort to sidelines for a sens of fulfillment.

that was my issue.  see, YFC was the only major thing that i loved to do and that helped me accomplish my mission.  but now, things are starting to change and be clearer--i'm moving towards a real career, one that i believe was meant for me and the purpose set for me.  i won't have to live through YFC anymore because i somehow have a better idea of how i can accomplish my goal: to dedicate myself wholly to my purpose.  and now i can start taking steps towards that.

of course, i'll still do what's in my ability to help, especially when i'm needed.  ha! i don't know if i will still be needed there--what with all the new MVs; that really makes me happy.  i know that they can go on and do even better in spite of my absence.

now, i need to dedicate myself to fulfilling my purpose and accomplishing my mission.  i need to improve my relationships and learn to be a better and more loving person.  these are things i need to do if i am ever to get to a place where i can help more people and bring them to the Lord.

wish me luck! it's time to fly!

my Mind

Psalm 118:24

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Kwentong Dyip (repost)

Youngblood
Jeepney ride

By Katrina I. Martin
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 00:56:00 09/03/2009

Filed Under: Road Transport

Every day I get up at 6:30 in the morning. I eat breakfast, take a shower, get dressed for work, go downstairs, put on my shoes, check myself in the mirror, say goodbye to my mother, and walk out the front door. I stroll down our street, then another before reaching my usual waiting place. There I stand for about a minute before the right jeepney comes along. My hand makes the slightest wave, and the jeepney driver sees it and immediately steps on the brake to let me get on.

I take a seat as near to the entrance as possible. Once I feel comfortable, I take my wallet out and count P12 for my fare. I hand over the money while announcing, “Bayad po!” I wait for one of the other passengers to hold out his hand so I can place my money on it. He in turn places it on another passenger’s hand, until it reaches the driver’s own.

The jeepney stops for somebody. She is a middle-aged woman who expertly gets on board while balancing her shoulder bag and files and closing her umbrella at the same time. She takes a seat across me and extends her arm to give her fare. The student nearby does not budge. The woman has to try twice before she finally catches the attention of the student, who reluctantly reaches out to receive the fare.

In this short span of time, the jeepney has managed to move once more.

As I face the wide-open window on my side of the vehicle, I see a man smoking on the street a short distance ahead. He is waiting for the right jeepney. When he sees it, he gives a small wave and takes one last puff on his cigarette before flipping it casually on the street.

I narrow my eyes, but before I can give him a piece of my mind, something distracts me. It is the sound of a drum. I spot a boy in his mid-teens, walking on the street. He has dark skin, and his striped T-shirt and shorts have turned gray from use and dirt. He is trying to catch the eyes of the driver.

He gets on the jeepney and starts handing out white envelopes to the passengers. He then sits on the step and starts playing his makeshift drums made of cans, plastic, and rubber while singing in a tongue I do not understand. I have seen his kind before, but never experienced riding in the same jeep where they played.

I look at the envelope in my hand and see some writing on it. “Konting tulong lang po para sa Badjao,” it reads.

I remember placing a pack of soda crackers in my bag that morning and take it out to put inside the envelope. A girl sitting near me sees me do this and gives out a small laugh. Maybe she isn’t used to seeing people give food to strangers. I smile at her, hoping she has a pack of crackers to give as well. It seems she doesn’t.

The young man seated beside her pulls out some coins from his pocket and drops them into the envelope. I smile again.

The boy playing the drums stops, gets up, and goes back in to collect his envelopes. He stops in front of the middle-aged woman who just ignores him. He nonchalantly reaches out to take the empty envelope beside the woman (he is used to that kind of treatment).

The girl gives back an empty envelope too. The young man next to her gives his envelope of coins, while I give mine stuffed with crackers.

I smile at the boy before he taps on the roof of the jeep, a signal to the driver that he is getting off. The jeepney slows down enough for him to safely jump off before speeding up again. I smile and look out of the window again.

Badjaos. I am sure I have heard of them before. Perhaps I studied something about them back in high school, but I can hardly remember. I am glad I finally met one.

Using one’s talents to entertain other people is a perfectly good way of making a living. Actresses and musicians and writers get paid for doing their thing, so why not drummer boys? I promise myself to write about them. Something about the beat of the makeshift drums and the boy’s unfamiliar words cling to me. I smile and for a while, I am at peace amid the hustle and bustle of the rush hour.

Other people may not understand it, but I find joy while seated inside a jeepney. Though the smoke threatens to spoil the pleasure, almost everything else contributes to the appeal. Jeepneys have an almost magnetic charm for me. In exchange for a handful of coins, you get an authentic and rich insight into the lives of real Filipinos—an intimate peek, if you will. No, the jeepney isn’t exactly squeaky clean. Neither is it all pleasant and inviting, which is perhaps  the reason some people hate it: we cannot all yet own up to the fact that life isn’t perfect. It is what it is. And depending on how you see things and what you make of what you have, it can be good.

(Katrina I. Martin, 21, is a research assistant at the UP Manila National Institutes of Health and a mission volunteer for Youth for Christ Campus-Based.)

portrait of a young artist as an adult

so this is what adulthood means--to be responsible for your actions...
this is what it means to be a good adult--to never let your actions be the cause of others' suffering (no matter how little).

after almost nine months, i am somewhat sorry for my brash decisions and actions. i do not regret the experiences--they have taught me much. but i regret tying myself down like this. and now i must stick it out for a year and at least 3 months more. because i made a commitment, and to break that would be to cause trouble to good people--something i do not want to ever do.

maybe, if it weren't for the promise made, i would have enough courage to take that leap of faith right now. forget the risks, the uncertainties, right? but when you put others in the line, i cannot allow myself to be the reason for their jeopardy. i guess this also answers that question of "how far would you go?"

as far as necessary, but still remaining true to who i am and to the values that i live by.

the land of the Wild Things

...is in each of us.

I watched "Where The Wild Things Are" yesterday and found it quite moving--this story of a kid with a temper and a huge imagination. i found that i could relate to it in some ways.

just like Max, i find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships with my family--i am easily disappointed or frustrated by their actions and am hurt quickly and deeply. i tend to take everything personally, even though i already know i shouldn't, and find it more convenient to blow my top off rather than act like a good Christian. it is difficult to be in a family, much less an imperfect one. everybody's got quirks and issues and deficits in pleasant characteristics. but it would be a lot more difficult without it altogether.

see, i'm just me. i'm no savior or king or magician. and i sure as hell have neither powers to make everything bright and sparkly, nor a sadness shield. in truth, nobody on earth does. we are all just ourselves. but we really do have to learn to live with one another in peace, to appreciate each other--while we still have that chance (and while the supper is still hot and waiting for us on the table).

mirrors

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes. i have no idea how i compare to the people who have made it. i have no assurance that i will make it, myself. i have no experience, no education, no recommendation of any kind. i have zip.

all i have are these weak hands, this mediocre brain, this flawed heart.
all i have is a dream, a hope, a passion, a vision.
all i have is the faith that things will work out as they are meant to do so.
all i have is a God whom i trust completely, and who looks out for me at all times.

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes, very much so.
but i cannot let my doubts imprison me any more.
i have to take that step, that leap.
i must walk, decidedly, into the dark abyss of trials and suffering. but i would do so with a ray of light of hope, with faith and gracious uncertainty. with You.

gracious uncertainty

"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint." (Romans 5:5)

i'm tired.

i'm tired of caring for people. for this world--it's exhausting, frustrating...especially when they don't care back or acknowledge the effort, or worse, when they hate you all the more for giving a damn.

but i guess it's still better than caring just for myself or not caring at all. because at least, when you get to the Holy Gates, you can say that you tried.

keep caring, kat. keep trying.

22

i get it now. your love is better than life; it's more than what i ever expected life could ever be. then, it was about dreams and goals, money and things, myself and my problems. now, it is about family and friends, purpose and love, You and my mission.

everything just falls into place after that first step of acknowledgment and acceptance.

"...
for You O Lord make the sunshine and the moonlight and the night sky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You because I can't stop falling in love with you
..."

Thank You for putting things in their rightful place. i know You're with me on my way to mine as well. and i finally have hope of getting there, thanks to You.

i love You. i can't even fathom that there was a time when i didn't know You, didn't know You loved me. now Your love leaves my heart full of hope and joy, faith and love--i am runneth over, a cistern that overflows, with life.

i hope that i can fulfill the purpose and mission you have set for me, and pay forward the blessings i have received from your infinite rivers.

if the shoe fits...

I want to give it a shot. After all, even Prince Charming had to ask Cinderella to try on the glass slipper before he could be sure she was the one. I guess that makes me Prince Charming!

So, how should I do things this coming year, Lord?

1.I want to be closer to You, Father. I want to fix myself and my life, and I know that THE only way to do that would be to be in close communion with you, that I may know you and learn to love like you. I need to really talk with you, listen to you, obey you; make more time for us.

2. I need to be kinder to my family and make more time for them. I don’t want to spend so much money so I need to make up for it in effort instead. I need to help out more at home too and learn the ropes so i can take over some of my mom's duties, which includes cooking (even the easy stuff)

3. I need to make more of an effort to preserve my friendships (STC, UPM, YFC, FIP, Church, family friends), even by simply greeting them on their birthdays or just asking how they are, to organizing small reunions.

4. I must maximize my time at the office so I don’t need to stay longer than necessary. Let’s aim for an 830-530 schedule, unless there really is a cause for overtime.

5. I need to pray more for this career issue and follow God’s lead. Whether it is writing, acting, the missions, or something else entirely, I need to get started with the preparation process: praying, discerning, planning, studying, pursuing. I want to help others and make a difference while maximizing my passions and talents in the process. I want to do right with what you’ve given me, and I want to do it the right way too.
RIGHT reasons, person, time, disposition, preparation, path/actions.

6. I need to experience life more, aside from just reading, watching, writing, or imagining it. This is a great way to prepare, not just for future career opportunities, but for real life—real living and loving opportunities. I want to read great literature, watch/see more amazing works of art, rediscover art and history, learn of and empathize/sympathize with the plight of different and all peoples, and just LIVE.

7. I need to write more. About the different realizations, emotions, thoughts, lessons. I need to write stories too! Characters, ideas, themes, events, anything, everything!

8. I will continue helping and serving others as much as I can, especially the needy. Through YFC, I can help evangelize to the youth. Through my personal work and actions, I can try to help even the most random strangers, while also showing to others that anyone and everyone can and should help others out.

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Hello, goodbye.

Saturday, December 5, 2009
the last day of the Philippine Nursing Competitiveness Conference

i learned a lot from the entire PNCC--from organizing the conference to relating with other people. and, more significantly, i realized that the Nursing profession, in my case, is like a scholar or an outstanding charity. there is no doubt that it is important and that it is worth helping. the question this really poses to me is this: how can i help something or someone i care for but am not an expert in? it's much like loving your country--this doesn't ensure that you can be a good President of the Republic of the Philippines, does it?

i am passionate for many things and, among such, the status of health care in the country (and across the globe). i want to do my part to ensure that everyone receives good care, whatever their stature. but i am not much interested in learning the ropes of providing primary health care; i am much more concerned in getting the professionals with healing hands to do that in a manner that will be equitable to all parties.

trying to further the standards and status of health, and nursing in particular, is truly a good and necessary cause--i am just uncertain if this is a cause that i should be working for. it seems that i am not required here, after all. furthermore, i cannot give that which i do not possess--and i definitely do not possess the skills in providing health care.

on a different note, i must say that i applaud the likes of Ma'am Meng, Ma'am Betty, Sir Marco, Sir Ken, and Ma'am Vanne, among others. here is a bunch of accomplished professionals who have kept their integrity intact and who have a sincere concern for the profession and those practicing it. it is moving to be in the midst of people who are extremely passionate for what they do, people who aren't just looking out for themselves but for others as well. i look at them and am pleased for Philippine Nursing, for there is much hope still. at the same time, i look at them and see that i do not belong here. i can never have that kind of love for this profession, and i feel it would be an injustice to all parties if i were to stay. good intentions can only go so far for, though i wish that i love Nursing the way they do, i am honest in saying that i do not. i love it in a sense that truly, from the deepest recesses of my heart, i want it to do splendidly. i love it in the sense that i am even willing to give of myself to help its cause, had i the brains or hands to do so. but i am not the best nor the right person to do such a thing.

i was made for something else, something equally worth fighting, living, and dying for.

V-blues and the foolishness of God

see http://coppergirl.multiply.com/journal/item/20/V-blues_and_the_foolishness_of_God

it's official!!

i'm leaving on september 6 pm and will be back on the 14th of october. aack!! haha.

from tito larry

he messaged me on multiply a few days ago. it was nice because, even though we don't talk about these things, he knows what's going on and, more importantly, understands me too. thanks tito!!


The important thing is that you're happy with what you're doing. You are your own captain. If there are consequences, it is just part of life. as long as you know how to cope with it. we may stumble at times but dont let it get to you. if you decide on some things and you think it is right, you should defend it at all costs. Just be happy.

I know naman that you know all of these things but sometimes you need to hear it from someone as a reminder. :-)

humility is something i need more of...
Lord, remind me that if i am to brag, i can only brag about You.

eyes on You

wow! what a day i had. thank You, Father.

this morning, i was able to pray, read the Bible, and write in my journal.  then Jaq asked me about UNIV, which was a blessing because i was reminded of God's victory in that area of my life and how it can be used for further victories, along with all the other stuff.  then, when i went to CN, i got a chance to talk with Jean and Jeff.  i became more thankful for the "small" things that i'm currently occupied with.  i may not have a real job and my parents may be disappointed in the fact that i'm giving up the nursing path to greener pastures, but i know that i am making a difference, no matter how miniscule, wih my work as a YFC MV and even as an English tutor to Koreans who dream of studying in the US.  plus, when we didn't have household help, i helped out with the chores.  i think i've been good; i've been doing my best to make my God proud.

then i had a fun lecture.  well, more like helping out a friend with her homework and getting paid for it.  afterwards, i went to the core HH at tito nomer's office, just to give Gem the pic (ILC '08) i promised him.  i ended up chatting with familiar and new faces, and staying for worship too.  afterwards, when i was saying my goodbyes to everyone, Marian asked if i cold give a talk at their exert on Monday.  i was shocked and scared and i dunno how i reacted to her.  haha. i didn't even know what an exert is, for crying out loud.  i asked for details and he number before i left, not wanting to seem foolish and unknowledgeable.  i'm an MV after all.  aren't i supposed to guide them, help them, answer their questions? i'd lose credibility in front of the babies, and i couldn't let that happen.  i'm supposed to represent God and, in shaming myself, i feel i'd tarnish His name as well.

so, on the way home, i texted Rex and Kuya Evan about it.  thankfully, the latter replied.  apparently, it stood for execom retreat, of which i still had no idea and i've never experienced (either that or i have serious brain damage).  "how can i give a talk about something i don't know?", i asked both him and myself.  while doing so, i felt God whisper to me, reassuring that He will tell me what to say.  even if i had no idea or capability of facing those leaders and inspiring them, He does and He will give me the right words to utter; He will lead me to the right direction.  also, Kuya Evan told me that Marian probably prayed for this too and that i should remember that this isn't about me at all.  i guess i was worrying too much about embarassing myself and saying awful, unrelated things that i forgot that speakers are exactly just that: speakers.  they aren't the topic of the forum or the special guest in a talk show.  instead, they talk about something or someone and aim to inspire, not purely on the way they give their talk, but more through its content, through what or who is being represented.  and though i don't know yet what the content will be, i know that the talk will represent Him.  and how can i go wrong when such is the topic and the goal is to glorify only Him?

Lord, i only want to do this and all things for You.  please humble me, so that i may not seek glory for myself, but for You who command it.  humble me, that i may be willing to do whatever it takes, even risk persecution or shame, just to prove that You are the only one who is great.

Kuya Evan said that he was proud of me, that You will use me.  Father, that's all i want--to make others happy, to make You happiest.  i only want to be used by You and by nothing or no one else.

so this is what it feels like...

...actually talking with your parents. my parents, rather.

ok, so we still don't agree. and i bet they think i am the stupidest person right now, to give up the opportunity of working as a nurse in the US in the immediate future.  and they made a pretty darn good point about me not being able to survive on my own even if i made, say, P35k a month here in the Philippines.  it's going to be a pretty big adjustment for me too, having been used to much pampering (though not quite spoiling).

my parents argued that i wouldn't have enough money to support my family (if i am to have one), to live comfortably, and maybe even to retire by the age of 55.  it's not that i don't care about family. au contraire, i wish very much to have an awesome future family life.  and what parent wouldn't want to provide her family with the best life has to offer?  it seems quite pretentious to say that money isn't important, for it is. but i know that there are more important things like God and love, family and friends. even though i anticipate that this bit of truth will be hard to remember when you're barely getting by, what else can we do but try?  and as for living comfortably, well, i've been living that way all my life and i would tell anyone who'd listen that it isn't all that. 4 cars, cable, wi-fi, airconditioning, fine dining, shopping, traveling, gadgets, a good house, maids, never having to worry about money (unless you don't want to ask for it)--i have that, and i'm not the least bit satisfied. thankful, yes, very much so.  but in these past months that i've been getting by with my own savings/earnings and doing what i love, that's when i've been happiest. my God and a life filled with love make me happier than any thing or collection of things could ever dream of doing (if they dreamt, that is).

i know it's right, Lord.  i know this is what You want me to do.  and though i acknowledge that Your support will not guarantee smooth sailing throughout, i am certain that it will all be right and perfect and just beautiful in the end, and that makes me really happy. i am at peace and can't possibly ask for more...

i should be on a FLASH diet

SAY IT AGAIN

No need to translate,
'cause my eyes give me away,
Even though my lips don't say..

This should be so easy,
But my head gets in the way,
All the things that I want to tell you.

You're the most perfect yet,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I wonder if you know that's how I feel about you.
I hope you know..

'cause I have so much love for you.
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove,
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again.

Not enough lovers in life to go around
But there's you and me,
If we don't start it out.. mmmm..
It's not hard to let go
Enough to let me in.
If it's meant to be,
It can only be good.

You're the most perfect fit,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I hope that you feel the same way too
About me.. just let me know..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

Can you take it from me?
If I give, can you receive?
I'm reaching out,
Giving everything.
I give you my heart, I give you my soul,
I give you it all..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

seeds

HH yesterday with budj, yan & lhai--so much fun! ang galing! thank You Lord. You just gave us an opportunity to bond and, more importantly, acknowledge the infinite blessings you always give us.

then, last night, as i was doing yrbook stuff, my friend texted me that his talk was coming up. so, i dropped everything i was doing and, surprisingly, prayed quite wholeheartedly again. it has been a while since i last had a real emotional heart-to-heart with You, Lord and i'm really happy that, as always, You keep showing us that You're in charge and everything will be a-ok. heck, i was so inspired that i picked up my drawing pencils again and, although they are hardly masterpieces, came up with something meaningful at last.

after watching Blades of Glory, i struggled to find the right music to help get me in the mood for my quiet time but, thankfully, i finally started really praying in a few songs' time. i recall shedding a few tears--either because i wanted so desperately for my family to understand and accept my service, Lord, or because of my frustrations regarding the you-know-which area of my life. i partly blame myself for the former problem, perhaps because i haven't been doing the proper things to help them see why all of this is so important to me. i also cried because i felt guilty that i've been worrying too much about myself and my so-called problems and haven't been praying so much for the concerns of others. but last night, i was able to pray for them again.

and today, i asked for permission from my mom to attend the Kasangga assembly. although she had plenty of side comments which i chose not to respond to so as to keep the peace, she still allowed me to go so... all is well.

then i went upstairs and read the gospel for today and yesterday. yesterday's reading was quite apt, i thought, for my friend's situation. "If you had faith no larger than a mustard seed...everything would be possible for you." but now that i think about it, it's fitting for me too. i've been stressing so much about going to the US and wanting to be back in time for Christmas, and i've been worrying about really talking with my parents. i'm a bit worried about my career in the near future and even my future-but-seems-nowhere-in-sight love life. but i know You've got it all covered and i just need to trust that You have given me everything i need and that, when the time comes, You will just keep nudging me in the right direction. oh, and that someday, my soulmate will come. so thank You, Lord.

today's gospel is also awesome. "Courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." i was scared to ask for permission but was able to do it. i know that in all situations where it is called for, God will always give me enough strength to accomplish the task. i need not even ask Him for help. i just need to remember that He is always present, He is always the ever-loving guardian. and i can take courage from Him.

everything will work out in the end...

NB

is the artist of the week. hahaha. for some reason, my head keeps reverberating with Natasha Bedingfield's music.

STUMBLE
I'm not the kind of girl you bring to mother
I'm not the kind of girl you kiss in public
My manners leave a lot to be desired
At least im not a liar

And I'm not about the subtle innuendo,
More likely to throw rocks up at your window
Or walk on eggshells so you dont hear
the crazy things I'm saying when you get near me
I'd rather disappear than be faking it, anyway

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary helping me
Cause I can spell

My foot was in my mouth the day I met you,
All my friends they said I'd never get you
But they don't know it when they see it
They need glasses to believe it
They dont understand, so be it
What can I say anyway?

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words, so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary
Helping me, cause I can tell

By the way you turn me on to your favourite band,
By the way you pour me coffee when I'm too tired to stand,
The way you lift me up when I'm fading,
Breathe me in when I'm suffocating
Don't say that it's just because you can

Don't be stupid, thinking I've misjudged you
I know enough to know when someone trusts you
Why fight it now,
It isn't gonna hurt you anyway

You like me and I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words, so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary helping me
Cause I can spell

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble round those words
How you stumble

i got home late last night (or should i say early this morning?) anyway, though my mom didn't seem so furious with me today, she was really ticked off last night, as can be inferred from her txt messages. so i wondered, how do i choose? how do i choose between respecting the wishes of my parents and serving God through YFC? for i am sure that it would be most ideal if i could do both. but how? how will i know?

hmm. the answer seems so simple now. pray and listen to God. duh. haha. in the reading today, it was mentioned how God has put His word in our hearts so we need only listen to His voice in our hearts to find the light that will guide our every step. i think some people call this conscience, but i like to think it's more than that :)

where's my sketchbook?

i'm trying to be an artist again. blame it on upward living :)

testify

i had a great day today. or it seems like that. i think the feeling is probably magnified by the adrenaline rush courtesy of my first talk ever (How to Love @ YFC UPM). and God had provided all the ideas i needed to hopefully be effective. and though i know there really is no one exact formula for loving, i hope that my two cents' worth of blabbing gave someone an inkling, at the very least. haha. i love talking! rather, i love sharing with others the wonderful things God has been and will continue doing in and with my life. i love testifying to other people how God turns sinners and blah humans and losers into beautiful children. "testify" was, for some reason, stuck in my head today, though i haven't heard it in years. it's funny because it's only now that i realized what the writer felt went he wrote those lyrics; it's only now that i can actually sing them and not merely put a tune to a bunch of words stringed together. now, i can sing it from the heart.


"...For as long as I shall live I will testify to love. I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough. With every breath i take, i will give thanks to God above. for as long as i shall live i will testify to love..."

Much has happened….

A truce has been called; implied, rather.

HH yesterday. I realized that we really are growing up and we really do have more responsibilities than ever. I’m especially praying for Har’s concerns with family and finances. Then meedge somewhat explained why the UPCN doesn’t want us to accept the various offers from CBRC and such. Though I don’t fully comprehend, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that what we do now does not only define who we become later, it also affects the lives of those whom we preceded. I guess it’s up to us if we use that for the causes we choose or disregard this yet still affect the future with our thoughtless choices.

I am reminded again of this bit of truth on my way home when I encountered the Manila traffic. Maybe one jeepney driver stopped a bit longer than he should’ve to wait for more passengers, desperately in need of adequate income to support his family. His intentions are good and he means no harm. Yet that one act will not only possibly determine the flow of traffic along Taft and Pedro Gil, but it could also possibly change the lives of men: someone could miss an important interview; a girl’s father might not get to see her blow out her birthday candles; someone could have lived if the ambulance made it in time. Then again, someone could have a few more minutes with a loved one before he has to leave, thanks to the same. No one can tell.

Even if we don’t want to, one day, we will have to admit that there is a connection between all of us. We’ll have to live with the realization that every single thing we do can ultimately affect the lives of one or many in an infinite number of ways. Life is always going to be like a game of dominoes; we can be one of the tiles falling in a certain direction or we can be the odd tile that chooses to go in a different direction and create either a desired or unwanted effect with the move we make. So, what’s it going to be?

the reading for today is taken from Matthew 13:44-46

“He goes and sells all that he has and buys it.”

This entire week has seen me reading gospels about giving up everything the one true thing. Ironically, this was also the week that has seen me doubting my heart and His voice. My parents insist on a plan B (though I haven’t even fully explained the changes made to plan A), and I am tempted to succumb to their reasoning for fear that I might actually need it, as they say.

Yes, Father, I am scared. I’m scared that I won’t be able to provide my family with a good future. Yes, it would be nice to help the many who are suffering financially with the money I would earn as a nurse abroad. It would be so easy to give in to a secure future—a good future with minimal uncertainties. But I know in my heart that You have a plan for me—and I trust that it is beautiful. This isn’t certainty that I won’t suffer, no, but it it is certainty that everything will happen according to your plan and for your purposes, right? That brings me at peace.

I want to go with Your plan, Father. Please tell me that I am on the right path, for Yours is the only plan I want to follow. I want to be sure that Yours is the voice in my heart.

where the heart is

jaffy santiago: hi teacher kat!

me: hey!!!

me: grabe ang galing!

me: ittxt sana kita na mag-online ka. hahahahaaa. demanding?

jaffy santiago: talaga? bakit?

jaffy santiago: sayang sa load haha

me: naghahanap ng seryosong kausap

jaffy santiago: haha. gudlak na lang

jaffy santiago: haha. joke

me: hay, mukha ngang no luck pla ko dun. hahahaa

jaffy santiago: bakit ba? wasap?

jaffy santiago: ok ka lang?

me: slight concern

jaffy santiago: go

me: ok. gusto ng parents ko na magtake ako ng NCLEX (have i told you that before?)

jaffy santiago: yep. and?

me: anyway, they're planning na papuntahin nkong calif by january tpos since immigration will usually give you 6 months to stay there, that's exactly what they want me to do. go there, take the test, wait for the results.. and pag pumasa ako, magwork na dun snce mdali daw akong mkkhanap ng work kc may mga kaklala kme dun

me: and i am having difficulty telling them na gusto ko nga maging guro

jaffy santiago: ahh. have you told them already?

me: nasabi ko pero hndi nila sineryoso, saying na mas ok kung mag nurse n nga lng dun --> better future, echos eklavu chenes

me: and i know all that. i know na magiging comfortable ang buhay ko pag nag nurse ako

jaffy santiago: depende rin

jaffy santiago: tsaka ok naman ang suweldo ng teacher, lalo na kung sped or something

me: i don't wanna teach or do anything for the money anyway

jaffy santiago: ahh pero ok na reassurance yun sa parents e. hehe

me: i just wanna serve and be happy at the same time and make a difference

me: yeah, true. except parang nka shutdown sila pag sinasabi ko un and i don't know kung pano ko ipaglalaban 'to. parang ang hirap kc feeling ko sobrang fixed na ung isip ng dad ko.

jaffy santiago: ahh i see

me: tpos habang nag lalalala ung tatay ko sabi ko kay Lord "ano b tlga gagawin ko? di ba eto ung gusto mo na para sa kin?" tpos parang sabi niya "fight for it"

me: pero knina, hndi ko lng kinaya. silent mode lng ako. anyway, un lng nman. haha

jaffy santiago: yeah fight. pero hindi siguro yung harapang kontra

me: ay oo. pasaway. hahahaa

jaffy santiago: if that's where your heart is happy being, i know the He will bless it if you do decide to go for it. after all, He doesn't plant desires in our hearts that aren't for us

me: yeah, that's true pinagdadasal ko lng that He will give me the courage to pursue it. Thanks!

unearthing notes

september 8, 2006
*what follows is a recording of a conversation with a good friend

K: i'm confused. "you know" eyes
i don't want to be HR anymore.
i don't know...it hurts when you are but others aren't

N: Jesus is HR. i'm sure He loves you more than anyone would. ever.
INTERESTED? :p

K: I know. but being HR, He loves us even if we don't show we love Him back...apply to real life situation please. :) but He still sticks with us even if we hurt Him ---> HR!

N: Yup. No one else is more HR than He who loved enough to die for His friends. However, that kind of HRness, you can't expect from a person.

K: but i'm HR.

N: That may be, but His kind of HRness is perfect. to be able to experience the best kind of romance, you need to experience true love from Him first. a wise person said, "you can't give what you don't have!"
so, the love you should be looking for first is the true, perfect, HR to the max love from HIM? :p

K: tru. but if you love someone, shouldn't you try to be as HR as Him?

N: There is a time for everything. first thing's first! di ba, sa priorities mo, God first? i believe that before you love someone, you need to receive love from Him. if not, it will become a stale, half-cooked kind of love. really.

K: owkie.

*pause*

K: so...what are you saying?

N: i'm saying you need to be Jesus' girlfriend before anyone else's. you need a relationship with Him to put right you other relationships.
INTERESTED?

K: owkie. just clarifying.


*end*


i just chanced upon these notes on my palm and it made me laugh and feel nostalgic at the same time. these days, my friends link me to a few people and i tell myself that i'm not ready; that i'm trying to not like anyone in the romantic sense. i guess i'm afraid of the idea of a mismatch or a NOT happily ever after story.

i know now that there will be that perfect moment in God's time for all this. for now, i'm just trying to love Him first, before anything or anyone else :)

oh yeah. in case the deficient use of the term in the conversation was not enough to help you understand its meaning, HR stands for hopeless romantic.

shadowfeet

shadowfeet by brooke fraser is my song these days. i'm doing my best to be a good little daughter of His. stumbling, yes, but walking nevertheless.

i spent a good part of yesterday chatting with a new friend. i really enjoyed talking with him and felt like we had a lot of similarities. one thing i really appreciate in him is how he looks at life and really searches for God in his life. i am actually reminded of St. Therese of Lisieux--serving God in even the smallest of ways.

at one part of our conversation, we talked about PMS and how, sometimes, it can result in such a blessing--a child. i said we should treat it as any other mistake like lying or cheating. we recognize our wrongs and accept them so we may begin to change. everybody deserves forgiveness and second chances. truly, God's love is in everything. like in Juno, blessings can be found even in "a garbage dump of a situation".

a new fave line

"I must endure who I have been, if i am ever to become something else."
- The Haitian, Heroes 53

teacher jaffy shared this line with me from, would you believe, the Heroes comics? meron pla nun?! haha. pero totoo lng :) we have to accept who we were and just be inspired to become who we're supposed to be.

FRESH! victory

came home from fresh less than an hour ago. where do i even begin?!? God's miracles leading up to this victory have been so numerous and awesome! the bonding, praisefests, loving, and the many opportunities to serve Him--woot! one of the greatest experiences of my life so far, definitely.

and although some things, as of this moment, are cloaked still, i know that all will be perfect and awesome in God's time.

some excerpts:
Blair: "Evangelize one, save a thousand."
Jaffy: "When you are weak, then you are strong."
"Who do you think I am? [You are Lord] Then act like it."
"Hindi ung gitara o ung drums ang instrumento. Ang instrumento, tayo."

i know it will be difficult but i feel i am really being called to this mission which i am loving more with each passing moment. [let's pray for this, Kat.]

also, let's try to explain to our parents this commitment and try to really be the change God wants for us.

**this is from the inspiration booth. yay!! just a reminder to love.

BFFs!!!

me: hey chia!!

chia: kaaaatttt!

chia: we're freeeeee!

me: haha. for now...

chia: oo nga eh

chia: pero at least...

chia: hahaha

me: haha. so, ano na plans mo?

chia: ito, rest ng june.

chia: pero nag aaply na din for nclex

chia: tapos naghahanap din ng work

chia: pero mas gusto ko sana volunteer work

chia: nag send na ko ng application sa red cross pero thru internet lang

me: ooh. pano ka ngaapply for nclex? kasi ako din eh. san ka ba?

chia: ewan ko kung papansinin nila

chia: hahaha

chia: calif.

chia: kakastart ko pa lang

me: ako din gurl!!!

chia: www.rn.ca.gov

me: naghahanap pa lng ako ng list of reqts

me: hahaha

me: im at the site right now

me: ako "nagwowork" ngaun. mission volunteer sa yfc. haha. hindi related

me: actually may position pala na full-time nurse sa yfc eh. sa mga GK sites, paang public health nurse.

me: )parang

me: omg

me: balak mo ba sa US mismo magtake ng nclex?

me: sabay tau!!!

chia: hindi eh.

chia: dito ako mag test

chia: ikaw ba, sa states?

chia: hopefully by the end of the year makapag test na ko.

chia: sige, sabay tayo

chia: kuha ka ng ng transcript at pasagutan mo na sa dean nyo yung ibang forms

me: rumor has it na super puno na ung mga magtatake dito eh

me: as in, until 2010 daw

me: daw ha

chia: no wayyyy

chia: waaaaaa

chia: so sa states mo balak??

me: oh no. may sasagutan ung dean? patay na ko

me: sasakalin ako ng dean namin

chia: yeah, meron 3 pages dyan

me: yep, sa US before the year ends dahil mageexpire na ung visa ko sa January, the same time i turn 21!! grabe! double double dead. hahaha

chia: kailangan yun eh.

chia: hehehe

me: oh no tlga. aack. as in malalaman niya na magaapply ako?! no0o0o0oo!!

chia: yeah, you have no choice.

chia: reaaaaaalllyyyyy????

chia: dun ka?

me: actually, hindi ko pa naman sana tlga balak mag-apply. originally, wala tlga kong balak magapply for USRN

me: ngunit

chia: ako 2010 pero... mag 21 na ko sa december!

chia: may effect ba pag more than 21 ka??

me: masmahirap na magrenew ng visa. pero since di pa magexpire ung sau, pwde ka pa

chia: oo nga.

chia: totoo yan

me: eh kasi kung 21 na ko tapos nursing grad pa, isipin nila mag tnt na ko dun noh!!

me: eh un nga, pinoint out ng tatay ko na pag di ako magapply now, i might never get a chance

me: eh naisip ko, ok na din na igrab ung opportunity para madaming options

chia: ganyan din sinasabi ng parents koooo!

me: sa US nlng tau mag-test chi, this year. tapos bakasyon tau. sige naaaa!!!!

me: hahahaa

me: kainaman!

chia: sige sige!!

chia: kelan!

chia: payag na sha

chia: as in katabi ko na sha ngayon

chia: mag apply ka na, bilis!

me: hello po tita/tito!

chia: san ka ba sa states?

me: california nga gehlay

me: haha. ang bading ko tlga noh?

chia: hhahaha

chia: sige, ayusin na natin, kat.

me: halika na halika na. go go go!! mageempake na ko. joke!!!

chia: deal?

me: deal!!!

me: yes!! woohoo.

chia: ok.

chia: ayusin mo na ah.

me: masaya na ko kasi may kasama na ko

me: yay!!

me: alin ba dito???

chia: ako din!1

me: panic

chia: ang pipiliin ko dapat yung method 2.

chia: pero since dun na tayo mag test, method 1

me: teka lng ha. anong method 2 ka jan?

chia: sa site

me: exact link nga gehl

chia: hahaha

chia: wait

chia: hahaha

chia: sorry

chia: confused

chia: ano ulit question mo?

me: anong exact link ng webpage?

chia: wait

chia: puntahan ko

chia: http://www.rn.ca.gov/pdfs/applicants/exam-app.pdf

chia: yan

me: thanks thanks!!

chia: no prob

me: yay! i can't believe it! i'm so happy na. haha.

chia: pano kaya natin malalaman yung status ng nclex talaga?

chia: para hindi tayo nag ddepend lang sa rumors

chia: hahaha

chia: anyway, lunch na kami

chia: i have to go

chia: hehehe

me: ok

chia: keep in touch!

chia: sana masimulan mo na this week

me: talk to u later! hi to everyone

chia: ok ok?

me: ok. will do balitaan nlng tau

chia: read this, text me or sa ym.

chia: sagutan mo na yung application ah

chia: madali lang naman

chia: hehehe

chia: later!

me: okiedokie!!

chia: good luck satin!

me: toodles!!

me: yeah!!

chia: im glad nakakita ako ng kasama!

chia: hahahaha

me: me too!!

chia: this should be fun!

chia: hahaha

chia: later

chia has signed out. (6/9/2008 12:01 PM)

batch history :)

let God and let go

i finished applying for the NLE's a while ago. it took us about 2 hours, technically, though there were many struggles prior to the 2 hours of processing, etc.

while everybody hoped to finish as soon as possible, i was half-wishing that i wouldn't be able to apply, hoping i could go on that trip with my family instead. however, i remembered that a few nights ago, i asked God to make the decision for me because i didn't have the wisdom nor the courage to do so myself. and today, i stood by my faith in Him. i know that i really want to be with my family this summer and now, i am certain that i won't be doing that. but i accept Your will Lord; i believe that it isn't by my own cowardice or misjudgment that i am in this situation, but that it is because of a bigger plan.

sometimes it is extremely difficult to accept Your will and give up our own intentions completely, even if we know that putting out trust in You is the best thing that we could possibly do. and yes, You ask that we love You wholeheartedly, though i also know that You understand that it is initially difficult for us to remove ourselves from that which is not right. so, at first, we crawl. i guess what's important is that in spite of our tears, we still try our best to do Your will. After all, You do not require perfection but intention.

afterwards, our faith in Your will becomes stronger and we come to the realization that a life dedicated to service may seem like a life of sacrifices. indeed. just as Your disciples left their lives behind for You, so we are also called to give up everything and take up our cross.

because the Father loves us so, i believe that there will be another chance for me to be with my family. perhaps my absence, in some bizzaare way, will help them patch things up with each other. i don't know. all i am certain of is this: the Lord knows best. He loves us dearly and will only give us what is ultimately best for us.

Luke 8:16

*random bible flip*

"no one lights a lamp and puts it under a bowl or under a bed. A lamp is always put on a lampstand, so that people who come into a house will see the light."



God is telling you to shine! to spread his beautiful Word :)

the real easter bunny

"...lead me to the cross where Your love poured out
bring me to my knees, Lord i lay me down
RID ME OF MYSELF, I BELONG TO YOU
lead me, LEAD ME TO THE CROSS..."

You could be excellent, you could be the person that I want you to be, the person you also want to be...if you just allow yourself to become that person. if you allow Me to work in you....

til i see you...

i finally cried.. just a little though. maybe i'm still in denial. or maybe it won't be so bad. i know i'd miss the 4 days or more a week spent in 4rcb1.. i could cry because of that. but somehow, the Lord is trying to reassure me that i'd still get the chance to be with these great people. even now, i'm cooking up reasons to visit the ward. haha. truth be told, i only cry because i still want to bond with them and it is my impulsive behavior that wants to do this right this moment.

i'm not sure if it is a false hope i feel rising in my heart that i'd be working here soon. but i know that the Father is kind and loving--He will place me here again unless He knows i can be of even more service elsewhere. and if that happens, then there really is nothing to cry about.

Father, there are so many great people whom i've met recently and i really would love to get to know them better and become real friends with them. please, please, please. also Father, i pray for my other relationships, other areas. please keep the bonds strong. please continue to bless all whom i love.

Father i pray for YFC; i hope more people will just be changed by You and will devote their lives and energies to serving You. father, i pray for my career (nurse/teacher/mission volunteer). i pray for my family and friends and future co-staff *crosses fingers* and even for my soulmate (if that is in your plans). lastly, i pray for my self, my relationship with You. i pray to love You better and really manifest that in my very being :)

you and me

i'm about to eat lunch alone.. it's been a while since i last did this. so, it's just me, affordable food, a nice and roomy booth, and a lot of thoughts :) it'll be nice to do this again. i really missed You and me, after all..just the two of us. Lord, so many things have happened these past two months and if i were to describe them collectively, there would be no more fitting word than "BEAUTIFUL". simple as that. You have turned nursing into something i love so dearly; You have changed me yet again and i am sustained by the promise that things can only get even better because everything happens according to your will. You have turned me into a person who wants to be excellent in serving others and, ultimately, in serving You. i am so blessed to wake up every day and actually look forward to almost everything that You have prepared for me and have asked me to accomplish. i feel like the future is so bright, not just for me, but for everyone because Your great love for us allows it, fosters it. Lord there have been so many hardships, even failures, but right now, as i look back at them, i only see obstacles and how You have turned them into victories yet again.

Father, you know in my heart that although i still aim to accomplish all that you have called me to do, i have found peace in this unexpected place and it is only natural that i am afraid to leap to the next stage and leave this new family i have come to love. "for moving forward is rarely accomplished without a considerable amount of grief". but i trust that one day, the sun will rise again, as it always does. and maybe on that day, i will be with all whom i love. and You will be closest to me :)

holding on

Lord, ive been really tired and worried that i couldn't do all of these things. but you told me to just believe in You, Father; to not solely rely on my own capabilities, for i am just human whereas You are God. i remember now what you have been repeatedly telling me. Father, i believe that you want me to do all these projects. They are difficult and many, but you told me that if I believe that these are important then I mustn’t give up on them and, more importantly, you will be at my side always to help and guide. Ok Lord, I won’t give up. Through all these things Lord just allow me to glorify You, Father. Everything is for You…

rediscovering YFC

came from CORE meeting a while ago. i thought it was HH so i was pretty excited. but then, the hidden motives of my very pasaway President were revealed (haha. kidding eric). so we had a meeting about a formal integration of GK and YFC at last, and this new project will be starting in Central C! can you believe it? i'm really excited about the coming year :)

in the past weeks service has been kind of dry for me and it was only last night that i discovered the reason behind this phenomenon: i've been so used to YFC that i've forgotten to see the bigger picture. week after week, it has been the same, if not worse, in my opinion. still no consistent households, even for the execom. no prayer meetings or worships, and it's been really frustrating to see YFC in UPM spiral down to its current condition. and i realized last night that we have been stagnant for quite some time, perhaps not because we've become less dedicated to our service, but we've taken for granted the true essence of being YFCs, of being God's chosen people.

we're not just in YFC to learn about God, to worship Him, form a spiritual family in our campus, love our own families and friends and help one another out. we're supposed to go beyond that, supposed to serve those whom we don't know, those who really need it, knowing that we may get nothing in return.

thank you Father for you have revealed your great plan to us: You're going to use us to let the whole world know of and realize your great love for every single one of us. it's a lot of work, but with You, anything is possible. Lord, please continue to give us strength, faith, grace, wisdom, and perseverance to fulfill our purposes in life.

escape

right now...
i need to get out of this place. bad energy. it really makes my blood curdle. very unconducive to good things, to productivity, to happiness. need to pray about it. but at the same time...need to get out...

beauty in simplicity

no duty today because of the wannabe coup. poor Manila Pen. anyway, i'm actually quite said that there isn't night duty today because i was really looking forward to being with one of the nurses @ 7RCB. i'm quite infatuated with her (not in the weird way. haha). it's just that i don't know many people like her. she's simple, intelligent, responsible, kind, supportive, and trusting. she doesn't bitch about other people, doesn't gossip at all. if she can't say anything nice, she still doesn't speak ill of others, even when they are perhaps deserving. she's not boring, yet she doesn't overpower with her personality. at duty, she really shows that she is a nurse, above everything. she doesn't try to grab attention with her silly antics, much unlike myself. she really knows that it's not about her, and i think that is so uncommon these days; we tend to make everything about ourselves. but no, not her. there is true beauty in her simplicity and dedication, and i really admire that. i hope that one day, the same can be said about myself.

brighter!

Lord, thank you for making the prayer meeting a success. there were a few glitches, but all the essentials were there and that is more than enough. Father, i really realized a lot from worship: that you brought me here to help cure the pains and hurts of the people. that you don't want me to be perfect but are asking me to try and do my best. i'm so lucky because you are in my life, you are the meaning and purpose of my existence.

a quote from a good friend:
"Life is really not perfect. but it can be more than perfect depending on how you look at it."

true.

sensibilities

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

just the one

Lord, i kn0w that there's a reason you separated me from my HH. i've realized that they are my only really close friends and perhaps it is time i form more meaningful relationships with others. it's time i opened up to them, please you through these relationships, tell more people about you and show them how great you are. it's also a challenge to improve myself, to become more acceptable and lovable without changing my essence; to do away with the awful imperfections but keep the quirks which distinguish myself from others. i hope to glorify you, Father. i'm quite terrified of what's to come, but i know that if i just learn to trust you, everything will be where it should be.

iCry

i'm sorry if i burst out on you, ma. but right now, i am hurting because of you guys. i think i may never look at you the same way again. i think a part of me has forever given you up, my family; has stopped hoping for your love, believing i will never receive it. i feel your love for me right now is more of a fulfillment of duty. there is no affection, no understanding, no acceptance.

oh, i pray to God that it won't be a vicious cycle. man, i've got a lot of guesswork and trial&error phases when i have my own family. please, let me be a loving person. please give me the strength and grace to love unconditionally. right now, i can't even look at my mother nor speak two words to her. literally. it's difficult because the selfish part of me is no longer willing to love them as much, knowing that i most probably love them more than they love me. and usually, that shouldn't be the case, right? it should be equal. or isn't there a saying that nobody can beat a mother's love? well..i just found a family to disprove that theory. Father, please heal me. allow the hurt to go away. i know that eventually i will have to love them without expecting or demanding anything in return. it's how You were to us, after all.

it pains me that i have to ask

all my life, i've had to ask for things to get them. i've almost always been the one to initiate things...like a little girl who has to ask for a Christmas present. and sometimes, she gets what she asked for. there have also been more insulting moments when she doesn't. but what she really longs for is something that cannot be bought or requested. what she wants is for just one person to know her well enough, to love her enough so that that person would willingly give something to her, something sincere, true, beautiful. somethings she doesn't have to ask for...i just want to be loved in such a way that i do not have to ask someone to love me. we all want to be understood, to be loved...and we all deserve to be so.

the giving tree

pardon my selfishness and immaturity, Father. right now i'm frustrated at both myself and my parents. i might just be jealous because i don't get the luxuries i want and am really frustrated because they give him everything when he doesn't even work his ass off for it. he just has to whine a little bit, let out a few tears...and i, no matter how much i try, will never be able to completely please them! they will never appreciate what i do or accomplish. it's just frustrating! and the fact that they deny treating him with a lot more favor infuriates me and makes me want to bang my head on the wall a couple million times. i hate that they make excuses for their behavior. they are parents, adults! they should know better. no consistency and logic in child-rearing at all (i know, it's a miracle i'm this fabulous). i just had to get away because i might burst and no matter how rational my defense would be, they'd just find a way to turn it around and make me look like the lone psycho. and you know what? i am! i'm definitely over-acting here. but the thing is, it's been going on for so long, i just can't contain it any more. i know i'm being selfish. it it were Jesus, He'd understand and accept it, do more precious things with his time than mope in the Trinoma foodcourt. i do understand. however, i just can't stop how i'm feeling at the moment. at least i made some effort to be decent and avoid conflict by getting away, right? i just want to cry. because i hate knowing that i am less loved, less appreciated by my own parents. but even though this is so, i thank You, Lord, for reminding me that You are with me, that You love me unconditionally and equally among my brothers and sisters. i find peace knowing that. and yes, i do long for even just one person, someone who will love me in the way that i know i deserve to be loved. but for now, Your love is more than sufficient.

Captivating

"a woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become"

i've realized that one thing that hinders my relationships with other people is because i try to change them too much. i think differently and believe i am right so i try hard to convert other people's beliefs and ideas as well. good intentions, yes. but perhaps the wrong approach. say your peace then stop, Kat. don't force it unless entirely necessary. maybe, in time, you'll both discover the answer.