Kwentong Dyip (repost)

Youngblood
Jeepney ride

By Katrina I. Martin
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 00:56:00 09/03/2009

Filed Under: Road Transport

Every day I get up at 6:30 in the morning. I eat breakfast, take a shower, get dressed for work, go downstairs, put on my shoes, check myself in the mirror, say goodbye to my mother, and walk out the front door. I stroll down our street, then another before reaching my usual waiting place. There I stand for about a minute before the right jeepney comes along. My hand makes the slightest wave, and the jeepney driver sees it and immediately steps on the brake to let me get on.

I take a seat as near to the entrance as possible. Once I feel comfortable, I take my wallet out and count P12 for my fare. I hand over the money while announcing, “Bayad po!” I wait for one of the other passengers to hold out his hand so I can place my money on it. He in turn places it on another passenger’s hand, until it reaches the driver’s own.

The jeepney stops for somebody. She is a middle-aged woman who expertly gets on board while balancing her shoulder bag and files and closing her umbrella at the same time. She takes a seat across me and extends her arm to give her fare. The student nearby does not budge. The woman has to try twice before she finally catches the attention of the student, who reluctantly reaches out to receive the fare.

In this short span of time, the jeepney has managed to move once more.

As I face the wide-open window on my side of the vehicle, I see a man smoking on the street a short distance ahead. He is waiting for the right jeepney. When he sees it, he gives a small wave and takes one last puff on his cigarette before flipping it casually on the street.

I narrow my eyes, but before I can give him a piece of my mind, something distracts me. It is the sound of a drum. I spot a boy in his mid-teens, walking on the street. He has dark skin, and his striped T-shirt and shorts have turned gray from use and dirt. He is trying to catch the eyes of the driver.

He gets on the jeepney and starts handing out white envelopes to the passengers. He then sits on the step and starts playing his makeshift drums made of cans, plastic, and rubber while singing in a tongue I do not understand. I have seen his kind before, but never experienced riding in the same jeep where they played.

I look at the envelope in my hand and see some writing on it. “Konting tulong lang po para sa Badjao,” it reads.

I remember placing a pack of soda crackers in my bag that morning and take it out to put inside the envelope. A girl sitting near me sees me do this and gives out a small laugh. Maybe she isn’t used to seeing people give food to strangers. I smile at her, hoping she has a pack of crackers to give as well. It seems she doesn’t.

The young man seated beside her pulls out some coins from his pocket and drops them into the envelope. I smile again.

The boy playing the drums stops, gets up, and goes back in to collect his envelopes. He stops in front of the middle-aged woman who just ignores him. He nonchalantly reaches out to take the empty envelope beside the woman (he is used to that kind of treatment).

The girl gives back an empty envelope too. The young man next to her gives his envelope of coins, while I give mine stuffed with crackers.

I smile at the boy before he taps on the roof of the jeep, a signal to the driver that he is getting off. The jeepney slows down enough for him to safely jump off before speeding up again. I smile and look out of the window again.

Badjaos. I am sure I have heard of them before. Perhaps I studied something about them back in high school, but I can hardly remember. I am glad I finally met one.

Using one’s talents to entertain other people is a perfectly good way of making a living. Actresses and musicians and writers get paid for doing their thing, so why not drummer boys? I promise myself to write about them. Something about the beat of the makeshift drums and the boy’s unfamiliar words cling to me. I smile and for a while, I am at peace amid the hustle and bustle of the rush hour.

Other people may not understand it, but I find joy while seated inside a jeepney. Though the smoke threatens to spoil the pleasure, almost everything else contributes to the appeal. Jeepneys have an almost magnetic charm for me. In exchange for a handful of coins, you get an authentic and rich insight into the lives of real Filipinos—an intimate peek, if you will. No, the jeepney isn’t exactly squeaky clean. Neither is it all pleasant and inviting, which is perhaps  the reason some people hate it: we cannot all yet own up to the fact that life isn’t perfect. It is what it is. And depending on how you see things and what you make of what you have, it can be good.

(Katrina I. Martin, 21, is a research assistant at the UP Manila National Institutes of Health and a mission volunteer for Youth for Christ Campus-Based.)

portrait of a young artist as an adult

so this is what adulthood means--to be responsible for your actions...
this is what it means to be a good adult--to never let your actions be the cause of others' suffering (no matter how little).

after almost nine months, i am somewhat sorry for my brash decisions and actions. i do not regret the experiences--they have taught me much. but i regret tying myself down like this. and now i must stick it out for a year and at least 3 months more. because i made a commitment, and to break that would be to cause trouble to good people--something i do not want to ever do.

maybe, if it weren't for the promise made, i would have enough courage to take that leap of faith right now. forget the risks, the uncertainties, right? but when you put others in the line, i cannot allow myself to be the reason for their jeopardy. i guess this also answers that question of "how far would you go?"

as far as necessary, but still remaining true to who i am and to the values that i live by.

the land of the Wild Things

...is in each of us.

I watched "Where The Wild Things Are" yesterday and found it quite moving--this story of a kid with a temper and a huge imagination. i found that i could relate to it in some ways.

just like Max, i find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships with my family--i am easily disappointed or frustrated by their actions and am hurt quickly and deeply. i tend to take everything personally, even though i already know i shouldn't, and find it more convenient to blow my top off rather than act like a good Christian. it is difficult to be in a family, much less an imperfect one. everybody's got quirks and issues and deficits in pleasant characteristics. but it would be a lot more difficult without it altogether.

see, i'm just me. i'm no savior or king or magician. and i sure as hell have neither powers to make everything bright and sparkly, nor a sadness shield. in truth, nobody on earth does. we are all just ourselves. but we really do have to learn to live with one another in peace, to appreciate each other--while we still have that chance (and while the supper is still hot and waiting for us on the table).

mirrors

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes. i have no idea how i compare to the people who have made it. i have no assurance that i will make it, myself. i have no experience, no education, no recommendation of any kind. i have zip.

all i have are these weak hands, this mediocre brain, this flawed heart.
all i have is a dream, a hope, a passion, a vision.
all i have is the faith that things will work out as they are meant to do so.
all i have is a God whom i trust completely, and who looks out for me at all times.

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes, very much so.
but i cannot let my doubts imprison me any more.
i have to take that step, that leap.
i must walk, decidedly, into the dark abyss of trials and suffering. but i would do so with a ray of light of hope, with faith and gracious uncertainty. with You.

gracious uncertainty

"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint." (Romans 5:5)

i'm tired.

i'm tired of caring for people. for this world--it's exhausting, frustrating...especially when they don't care back or acknowledge the effort, or worse, when they hate you all the more for giving a damn.

but i guess it's still better than caring just for myself or not caring at all. because at least, when you get to the Holy Gates, you can say that you tried.

keep caring, kat. keep trying.

22

i get it now. your love is better than life; it's more than what i ever expected life could ever be. then, it was about dreams and goals, money and things, myself and my problems. now, it is about family and friends, purpose and love, You and my mission.

everything just falls into place after that first step of acknowledgment and acceptance.

"...
for You O Lord make the sunshine and the moonlight and the night sky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You because I can't stop falling in love with you
..."

Thank You for putting things in their rightful place. i know You're with me on my way to mine as well. and i finally have hope of getting there, thanks to You.

i love You. i can't even fathom that there was a time when i didn't know You, didn't know You loved me. now Your love leaves my heart full of hope and joy, faith and love--i am runneth over, a cistern that overflows, with life.

i hope that i can fulfill the purpose and mission you have set for me, and pay forward the blessings i have received from your infinite rivers.

if the shoe fits...

I want to give it a shot. After all, even Prince Charming had to ask Cinderella to try on the glass slipper before he could be sure she was the one. I guess that makes me Prince Charming!

So, how should I do things this coming year, Lord?

1.I want to be closer to You, Father. I want to fix myself and my life, and I know that THE only way to do that would be to be in close communion with you, that I may know you and learn to love like you. I need to really talk with you, listen to you, obey you; make more time for us.

2. I need to be kinder to my family and make more time for them. I don’t want to spend so much money so I need to make up for it in effort instead. I need to help out more at home too and learn the ropes so i can take over some of my mom's duties, which includes cooking (even the easy stuff)

3. I need to make more of an effort to preserve my friendships (STC, UPM, YFC, FIP, Church, family friends), even by simply greeting them on their birthdays or just asking how they are, to organizing small reunions.

4. I must maximize my time at the office so I don’t need to stay longer than necessary. Let’s aim for an 830-530 schedule, unless there really is a cause for overtime.

5. I need to pray more for this career issue and follow God’s lead. Whether it is writing, acting, the missions, or something else entirely, I need to get started with the preparation process: praying, discerning, planning, studying, pursuing. I want to help others and make a difference while maximizing my passions and talents in the process. I want to do right with what you’ve given me, and I want to do it the right way too.
RIGHT reasons, person, time, disposition, preparation, path/actions.

6. I need to experience life more, aside from just reading, watching, writing, or imagining it. This is a great way to prepare, not just for future career opportunities, but for real life—real living and loving opportunities. I want to read great literature, watch/see more amazing works of art, rediscover art and history, learn of and empathize/sympathize with the plight of different and all peoples, and just LIVE.

7. I need to write more. About the different realizations, emotions, thoughts, lessons. I need to write stories too! Characters, ideas, themes, events, anything, everything!

8. I will continue helping and serving others as much as I can, especially the needy. Through YFC, I can help evangelize to the youth. Through my personal work and actions, I can try to help even the most random strangers, while also showing to others that anyone and everyone can and should help others out.

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Hello, goodbye.

Saturday, December 5, 2009
the last day of the Philippine Nursing Competitiveness Conference

i learned a lot from the entire PNCC--from organizing the conference to relating with other people. and, more significantly, i realized that the Nursing profession, in my case, is like a scholar or an outstanding charity. there is no doubt that it is important and that it is worth helping. the question this really poses to me is this: how can i help something or someone i care for but am not an expert in? it's much like loving your country--this doesn't ensure that you can be a good President of the Republic of the Philippines, does it?

i am passionate for many things and, among such, the status of health care in the country (and across the globe). i want to do my part to ensure that everyone receives good care, whatever their stature. but i am not much interested in learning the ropes of providing primary health care; i am much more concerned in getting the professionals with healing hands to do that in a manner that will be equitable to all parties.

trying to further the standards and status of health, and nursing in particular, is truly a good and necessary cause--i am just uncertain if this is a cause that i should be working for. it seems that i am not required here, after all. furthermore, i cannot give that which i do not possess--and i definitely do not possess the skills in providing health care.

on a different note, i must say that i applaud the likes of Ma'am Meng, Ma'am Betty, Sir Marco, Sir Ken, and Ma'am Vanne, among others. here is a bunch of accomplished professionals who have kept their integrity intact and who have a sincere concern for the profession and those practicing it. it is moving to be in the midst of people who are extremely passionate for what they do, people who aren't just looking out for themselves but for others as well. i look at them and am pleased for Philippine Nursing, for there is much hope still. at the same time, i look at them and see that i do not belong here. i can never have that kind of love for this profession, and i feel it would be an injustice to all parties if i were to stay. good intentions can only go so far for, though i wish that i love Nursing the way they do, i am honest in saying that i do not. i love it in a sense that truly, from the deepest recesses of my heart, i want it to do splendidly. i love it in the sense that i am even willing to give of myself to help its cause, had i the brains or hands to do so. but i am not the best nor the right person to do such a thing.

i was made for something else, something equally worth fighting, living, and dying for.

V-blues and the foolishness of God

see http://coppergirl.multiply.com/journal/item/20/V-blues_and_the_foolishness_of_God

it's official!!

i'm leaving on september 6 pm and will be back on the 14th of october. aack!! haha.

from tito larry

he messaged me on multiply a few days ago. it was nice because, even though we don't talk about these things, he knows what's going on and, more importantly, understands me too. thanks tito!!


The important thing is that you're happy with what you're doing. You are your own captain. If there are consequences, it is just part of life. as long as you know how to cope with it. we may stumble at times but dont let it get to you. if you decide on some things and you think it is right, you should defend it at all costs. Just be happy.

I know naman that you know all of these things but sometimes you need to hear it from someone as a reminder. :-)

humility is something i need more of...
Lord, remind me that if i am to brag, i can only brag about You.

eyes on You

wow! what a day i had. thank You, Father.

this morning, i was able to pray, read the Bible, and write in my journal.  then Jaq asked me about UNIV, which was a blessing because i was reminded of God's victory in that area of my life and how it can be used for further victories, along with all the other stuff.  then, when i went to CN, i got a chance to talk with Jean and Jeff.  i became more thankful for the "small" things that i'm currently occupied with.  i may not have a real job and my parents may be disappointed in the fact that i'm giving up the nursing path to greener pastures, but i know that i am making a difference, no matter how miniscule, wih my work as a YFC MV and even as an English tutor to Koreans who dream of studying in the US.  plus, when we didn't have household help, i helped out with the chores.  i think i've been good; i've been doing my best to make my God proud.

then i had a fun lecture.  well, more like helping out a friend with her homework and getting paid for it.  afterwards, i went to the core HH at tito nomer's office, just to give Gem the pic (ILC '08) i promised him.  i ended up chatting with familiar and new faces, and staying for worship too.  afterwards, when i was saying my goodbyes to everyone, Marian asked if i cold give a talk at their exert on Monday.  i was shocked and scared and i dunno how i reacted to her.  haha. i didn't even know what an exert is, for crying out loud.  i asked for details and he number before i left, not wanting to seem foolish and unknowledgeable.  i'm an MV after all.  aren't i supposed to guide them, help them, answer their questions? i'd lose credibility in front of the babies, and i couldn't let that happen.  i'm supposed to represent God and, in shaming myself, i feel i'd tarnish His name as well.

so, on the way home, i texted Rex and Kuya Evan about it.  thankfully, the latter replied.  apparently, it stood for execom retreat, of which i still had no idea and i've never experienced (either that or i have serious brain damage).  "how can i give a talk about something i don't know?", i asked both him and myself.  while doing so, i felt God whisper to me, reassuring that He will tell me what to say.  even if i had no idea or capability of facing those leaders and inspiring them, He does and He will give me the right words to utter; He will lead me to the right direction.  also, Kuya Evan told me that Marian probably prayed for this too and that i should remember that this isn't about me at all.  i guess i was worrying too much about embarassing myself and saying awful, unrelated things that i forgot that speakers are exactly just that: speakers.  they aren't the topic of the forum or the special guest in a talk show.  instead, they talk about something or someone and aim to inspire, not purely on the way they give their talk, but more through its content, through what or who is being represented.  and though i don't know yet what the content will be, i know that the talk will represent Him.  and how can i go wrong when such is the topic and the goal is to glorify only Him?

Lord, i only want to do this and all things for You.  please humble me, so that i may not seek glory for myself, but for You who command it.  humble me, that i may be willing to do whatever it takes, even risk persecution or shame, just to prove that You are the only one who is great.

Kuya Evan said that he was proud of me, that You will use me.  Father, that's all i want--to make others happy, to make You happiest.  i only want to be used by You and by nothing or no one else.

so this is what it feels like...

...actually talking with your parents. my parents, rather.

ok, so we still don't agree. and i bet they think i am the stupidest person right now, to give up the opportunity of working as a nurse in the US in the immediate future.  and they made a pretty darn good point about me not being able to survive on my own even if i made, say, P35k a month here in the Philippines.  it's going to be a pretty big adjustment for me too, having been used to much pampering (though not quite spoiling).

my parents argued that i wouldn't have enough money to support my family (if i am to have one), to live comfortably, and maybe even to retire by the age of 55.  it's not that i don't care about family. au contraire, i wish very much to have an awesome future family life.  and what parent wouldn't want to provide her family with the best life has to offer?  it seems quite pretentious to say that money isn't important, for it is. but i know that there are more important things like God and love, family and friends. even though i anticipate that this bit of truth will be hard to remember when you're barely getting by, what else can we do but try?  and as for living comfortably, well, i've been living that way all my life and i would tell anyone who'd listen that it isn't all that. 4 cars, cable, wi-fi, airconditioning, fine dining, shopping, traveling, gadgets, a good house, maids, never having to worry about money (unless you don't want to ask for it)--i have that, and i'm not the least bit satisfied. thankful, yes, very much so.  but in these past months that i've been getting by with my own savings/earnings and doing what i love, that's when i've been happiest. my God and a life filled with love make me happier than any thing or collection of things could ever dream of doing (if they dreamt, that is).

i know it's right, Lord.  i know this is what You want me to do.  and though i acknowledge that Your support will not guarantee smooth sailing throughout, i am certain that it will all be right and perfect and just beautiful in the end, and that makes me really happy. i am at peace and can't possibly ask for more...

i should be on a FLASH diet

SAY IT AGAIN

No need to translate,
'cause my eyes give me away,
Even though my lips don't say..

This should be so easy,
But my head gets in the way,
All the things that I want to tell you.

You're the most perfect yet,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I wonder if you know that's how I feel about you.
I hope you know..

'cause I have so much love for you.
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove,
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again.

Not enough lovers in life to go around
But there's you and me,
If we don't start it out.. mmmm..
It's not hard to let go
Enough to let me in.
If it's meant to be,
It can only be good.

You're the most perfect fit,
Most definitely that i've met,
And I hope that you feel the same way too
About me.. just let me know..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

Can you take it from me?
If I give, can you receive?
I'm reaching out,
Giving everything.
I give you my heart, I give you my soul,
I give you it all..

'cause I have so much love for you,
Do with it what you will..
And I have nothing more to prove.
Say to me what you will..
Say, say it again..

seeds

HH yesterday with budj, yan & lhai--so much fun! ang galing! thank You Lord. You just gave us an opportunity to bond and, more importantly, acknowledge the infinite blessings you always give us.

then, last night, as i was doing yrbook stuff, my friend texted me that his talk was coming up. so, i dropped everything i was doing and, surprisingly, prayed quite wholeheartedly again. it has been a while since i last had a real emotional heart-to-heart with You, Lord and i'm really happy that, as always, You keep showing us that You're in charge and everything will be a-ok. heck, i was so inspired that i picked up my drawing pencils again and, although they are hardly masterpieces, came up with something meaningful at last.

after watching Blades of Glory, i struggled to find the right music to help get me in the mood for my quiet time but, thankfully, i finally started really praying in a few songs' time. i recall shedding a few tears--either because i wanted so desperately for my family to understand and accept my service, Lord, or because of my frustrations regarding the you-know-which area of my life. i partly blame myself for the former problem, perhaps because i haven't been doing the proper things to help them see why all of this is so important to me. i also cried because i felt guilty that i've been worrying too much about myself and my so-called problems and haven't been praying so much for the concerns of others. but last night, i was able to pray for them again.

and today, i asked for permission from my mom to attend the Kasangga assembly. although she had plenty of side comments which i chose not to respond to so as to keep the peace, she still allowed me to go so... all is well.

then i went upstairs and read the gospel for today and yesterday. yesterday's reading was quite apt, i thought, for my friend's situation. "If you had faith no larger than a mustard seed...everything would be possible for you." but now that i think about it, it's fitting for me too. i've been stressing so much about going to the US and wanting to be back in time for Christmas, and i've been worrying about really talking with my parents. i'm a bit worried about my career in the near future and even my future-but-seems-nowhere-in-sight love life. but i know You've got it all covered and i just need to trust that You have given me everything i need and that, when the time comes, You will just keep nudging me in the right direction. oh, and that someday, my soulmate will come. so thank You, Lord.

today's gospel is also awesome. "Courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." i was scared to ask for permission but was able to do it. i know that in all situations where it is called for, God will always give me enough strength to accomplish the task. i need not even ask Him for help. i just need to remember that He is always present, He is always the ever-loving guardian. and i can take courage from Him.

everything will work out in the end...

NB

is the artist of the week. hahaha. for some reason, my head keeps reverberating with Natasha Bedingfield's music.

STUMBLE
I'm not the kind of girl you bring to mother
I'm not the kind of girl you kiss in public
My manners leave a lot to be desired
At least im not a liar

And I'm not about the subtle innuendo,
More likely to throw rocks up at your window
Or walk on eggshells so you dont hear
the crazy things I'm saying when you get near me
I'd rather disappear than be faking it, anyway

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary helping me
Cause I can spell

My foot was in my mouth the day I met you,
All my friends they said I'd never get you
But they don't know it when they see it
They need glasses to believe it
They dont understand, so be it
What can I say anyway?

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words, so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary
Helping me, cause I can tell

By the way you turn me on to your favourite band,
By the way you pour me coffee when I'm too tired to stand,
The way you lift me up when I'm fading,
Breathe me in when I'm suffocating
Don't say that it's just because you can

Don't be stupid, thinking I've misjudged you
I know enough to know when someone trusts you
Why fight it now,
It isn't gonna hurt you anyway

You like me and I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble 'round those words, so well
You like me, there I said it
Don't need a dictionary helping me
Cause I can spell

You like me, yeah, I know it
You're so transparent
How you stumble round those words
How you stumble

i got home late last night (or should i say early this morning?) anyway, though my mom didn't seem so furious with me today, she was really ticked off last night, as can be inferred from her txt messages. so i wondered, how do i choose? how do i choose between respecting the wishes of my parents and serving God through YFC? for i am sure that it would be most ideal if i could do both. but how? how will i know?

hmm. the answer seems so simple now. pray and listen to God. duh. haha. in the reading today, it was mentioned how God has put His word in our hearts so we need only listen to His voice in our hearts to find the light that will guide our every step. i think some people call this conscience, but i like to think it's more than that :)