halo-halo

i haven't written in a long time. i got my priorities mixed up. rather, i just forgot them altogether. in place of writing/praying/reflecting, i have daydreamed. yes, i spent precious time daydreaming. at some point, it was productive--giving me ideas regarding my future service. however, there did come a time when i was supposedly too engrossed in it that i lost the heart of service and got carried away fantasizing about the perceived worldly benefits of such. i realized that God was no longer at the center of it and what was meant to be beautiful had turned into a massive and quite uncontrollable monster. i couldn't stop. i had attached my hopes and wishes into figments of imagination. thankfully, God helped withdraw my mind from what could've been the worst and, quite frankly, the most authentic "relapse" of mine. He made me feel how He has forgiven me even before i approached Him for forgiveness. truly, our Lord is most merciful. He keeps saving us from evil, even if we seem not to want it. like a true parent, He deals with us in the most loving and appropriate manner possible. i really hope this lasts. i know i need to put more effort in both fighting sin and living true goodness. i need to pray more and do my best to develop Christ's character.

Lord please help me. please enable me to defeat my demons so i may have no impediments in my quest to accomplish whatever You will of me.

no to dinner, thank you

We’re at Highlands steakhouse right now. me, Charlie, Mom and Dad.

I hate fakes. And I hate being fake. I hate wasting, and this is a perfect example of that. I am not in the mood to eat this kind of food. I am not in the mood to spend for food that can be prepared at home for a fraction of the cost. I’d rather spend it on important things like saving up for a plane ticket outta here, or a laptop or camera, tickets to a great film…I wish I can just chuck out all this pretentiousness. I’d rather give that money to the poor and spend a comfortable dinner at home. Yeah, that’s exactly it. When I have a family and we go out, it’ll be special. Something everyone’s in the mood for, something we all agree on. We won’t do it often so it’ll be appreciated, and the value of such opportunities will be rightly appraised. And whenever that day comes, I’ll give them a choice: to use it for ourselves or for the poor…of course, greater rewards if they choose the former, but not immediate though. Just like life. Great riches are stored in heaven for those who think of others before themselves.

In the meantime…Lord, please give me the patience to deal with them, give me the grace to show them what must be done. For if not I, then who will do it?

goodnight, goodbye, goodluck!

Tonight was the last time I’d be saying “goodnight” to my ate Tin. This is it. She and Charlton are actually leaving. Their plane will depart 8pm later…then they’ll be off searching for greener pastures @ British Virgin Islands. She’ll be at London for around 2 hours too! That’s cool.

Earlier this evening, ate Con and I bought her a parting present, a dress I knew she’d love. And in the flurry of cash, hangers, and wonderfully made local products, I had once again forgotten the situation. I haven’t seriously contemplated the whole thing. I also haven’t written since Friday so it’s only beginning to really sink in now. I was the first one with whom she talked about BVI, the first to know she was accepted. I was quite aware of all the processes she went through so she’d be ready to go. I watched her take the suitcases from the top shelf. I found myself hypnotized by the whole packing rituals as well. In fact, I even helped her to decide which to bring or leave behind, as well as bring the suitcases down the flight of stairs. Yet I never thought this day and time would actually come. I had to put off the whole reality and now, the time’s caught up with me; there is no escape.

Imagine my surprise when we found out there was a despedida party 2 hours after it started, when most of the guests had already gone. I feel awful that ate con and I missed ate tin’s last dinner in the country for a bunch of clothes. They were great clothes, but still just clothes nonetheless. However, I am delighted that ate tin really liked the dress.

On my way out of the room, I said goodnight, yet none of them seemed to have heard me, being preoccupied with their own businesses, and thus, no one greeted me back. After 7 seconds of having left the room, I went back, pretending to look for something. Then I remembered that ate tin’s new dress was in need of a brooch, so I volunteered to give her the one I made a long time ago: my only brooch, my favorite brooch; the brooch that could be all classy or edgy, like myself (I presume). I hope that she finds much satisfaction in having it and remembers me by it.

I’m afraid I’m not ready to say goodbye. I never told her how much I love and appreciate her, how much I’ll miss her (especially the tummy-pampering). I never told her about God and life and living for a purpose. I regret not having told her all these things as often as I could. Yet, I rejoice in the knowledge that God has given me the means to do what must still be done, what can still be done. Though I do not have as much time as I would’ve wanted, there is just enough for God’s will. MUST WRITE A LETTER BEFORE SHE LEAVES.

After attaching the brooch to her white blazer, I said my “goodnight”. This time, I heard ate Tin murmur a sleepy “goodnight” back.

living on the edge

well, not quite. i've been bumming for the past two days now. and because i'm still high from all the ocean and swordfights and swashbuckling humor, i kept searching for information on how the actors got their roles in the Pirates movies. there are rumors of a fourth one and i would be comme un fou to get even close to the Caribbean seawater. okay, i know, awful grammar. haha. anyway. so, i saw these casting websites with free trials and i registered in them! haha. just for fun. you never know right? anyway, when are we going to have good, mainstream films in the Philippines? i'm tired of the old superhero slash improbable romance flicks they've been showing.

i think this is what i need to do to keep myself close to sane, especially when school starts...you know, bury myself in all this art stuff. i'm resuming my advanced sewing classes at the Fashion Institute of the Philippines tomorrow. my last project. it better be great. i'm praying for it. haha. then, i'll be investing in dvds and vcds of my favorite movies (the real stuff), as well as movie and play tickets. i'm gonna search for a copy of the books Johnny mentioned on tv. then i'll try harder with "the artist's way" soon after i finish PDL. oh, my design gig with pau. mustn't forget that. and i have to sketch my children's book since altered books aren't easy to get published. oh my! i've got so much to do!

bondage

i'm spending some time alone with my room. we really need to bond more. seriously. it's mostly in this room where i'll be reflecting, praying, studying (just a little of that), writing, reading, and dreaming. it's a pretty big deal! no, it most definitely is not Room 4...but it can be the new "it" room. i just have to commit myself to making it so.

i haven't read PDL in a while. put it on hold for STS. Lord, i really hope i did well in it. i hope my classcard doesn't get lost either, on account of me submitting it very late. i pray that we all pass so our efforts weren't in vain.

oh, and i reallyy need to make this place more of a home too. spread the love!

*officially in jack sparrow heaven*

just came home after watching Pirates of the Caribbean. it strengthens my resolve even more. i no longer feel silly for wanting to act. God wants me to and that makes me so ecstatic! i read in the newspaper a while ago about Reggie Lee, Chow Yun Fat's sidekick in the movie. apparently, he's a filipino making it in Hollywood! he started out with musicals in LA at the age of 18. now he's in movies and TV series. isn't that great?

i love acting. i love movies and would absolutely want to contribute to that whole experience. i want to communicate to the audiences, be a part of something wonderful, something that makes people and dreams come to life! i wanna make them feel happy or heartbroken or angry or depressed or adventurous or desperate or crazy or in love. i think a great movie has its part in helping people from all over the world understand each other: the cultures, the family, the situation, problems and joys, trials and failures, dreams and wishes and fears. i want to help inspire people in becoming whatever it is they want to be, in the same way the screen has inspired me...

i can't remember how long i've wanted to act. all i know is, whenever i watch a movie, i read a book, or even listen to music, i've always pictured in my head how the scene would take place. Lord, i understand now. please help me so i may accomplish what You ask of me.

*is it a coincidence that the first and last ride i got on in disneyland was Pirates? maybe it's destiny. hahaha.

Day 32: Using what God gave you

Lord, i am so excited for the changes that will soon take place in my life through Your will. You do deserve my best, Lord.

a reason for everything

i don't feel so good. lots of acad stuff to do. it is extremely difficult to continue doing these things especially now that i know what i will sort of be doing with my life after college--and it's not professional nursing. but this is the price i have to pay in exchange for discovering myself and my God; for discovering true friends and my wonderful spiritual family. 4 years of terribly hard work. it is very costly. however, i would not change the way God has tinkered with my life if i could because it has been and will continue to be worth it. every zit and every tear, every drop sweat or blood, every hurt, every failure...

i am so blessed to have been called by You.

another reason i don't feel great? well, i can't publish that. but here's what i think. an excerpt from the confidential journal entry. don't think i'm bigheaded though...

why does this always happen? there's this whole type of people who always disappoint me. because of some silly things they did, i have to restrict myself, be all stiff and unlike me at all just to drive them away. i don't like having to drive poeple away! i like friends. but i can't see any other option. Lord what must i do?

i think some people are selfish. if what you have to say and the way you express it is all wrong, it could ruin a relationship. sometimes we have to learn to make the effort to think. we have to pray for what must be done. if we don't, if we rely on our own capabilities, our instincts, we'll surely be messed up. it's about what's right. not if we can no longer bear the pain of keeping mum. suffering and self-discipline are important too, after all. remember: think. don't be selfish. reflect on how every action will affect your relationship with yourself, your God, and other people. we have to weigh things carefully before making a decision. that is unless you know God is urging you to do something spontaneously and maybe even a bit irrational or crazy. otherwise, you must pray. if it really is from Him, then do it! that is called "taking a leap of faith" :)

it's 951am. i believe God is commanding me to study now.

i love dried mangoes. but...

katrina_pattina: omg! this is the 1st time i've seen you online
ericson paraguya: omg
katrina_pattina: http://antithesisoffelicity.blogspot.com/
katrina_pattina: read!!!
katrina_pattina: hey, you don't have class right? but can we still worship? i miss it..i'm sort of experiencing a..uhm..drought right now. spiritual-wise
ericson paraguya: how?
katrina_pattina: tuesday?
katrina_pattina: what do u mean "how"?
ericson paraguya: how dry? have no class. ah i hav a recent problem na ishare sau but let's text nalang no call. a problem here... ergo, not sure ako sa tuesday.
katrina_pattina: wednesday?
katrina_pattina: thursday?
katrina_pattina: like alarmingly dry. for me ha.
ericson paraguya: wednesday ok kasi punta ako skul
ericson paraguya: i pray for u... be strong.

c'mon. rain, please. just a little.

i prayed this morning. real prayer. just a teardrop maybe. but i am learning to pray more for others and less for myself. i know that before i take any actions, i should ask God for help 1st, so i don't make any more mistakes which could have been avoided.

old, alone, done for...not me! that's captain hook!

i'm at Tang City right now. about to eat lunch on my own. it's ok. sometimes we have to be alone. i'm almost nearing striking a balance. there's a bit of sadness that i'm alone right now though, wanting to improve my relationships with others (thanks to PDL). but i guess we also need time to think to ourselves so we have good stuff for conversation. we just need to reflect so that we will also be in touch with ourselves, as much as we are with our friends and family.

Day 20

i just realized, i haven't been praying a lot. at all, actually. i need to follow the official prayer time, even if it would interrupt whatever i'm doing. i need to pray for broken fellowships. i realized i hadn't really done that much praying regarding those, thinking i had to take matters into my own hands. but in PDL, i realized i had to "ventilate vertically" and should come to God first and ask Him for help and guidance.

i need to really reflect on PDL too. i'm losing the lessons and cheating myself by not paying much attention to it....

what is a "person"?

had lunch with jewel today. then watched Spiderman 3 with him, jaq, rex, roni, and tin. one word: BLAST!
this is the latter part of out ym conversation


yerlewej: SIGNAL FIRE, SNOW PATROL
me: oooh
yerlewej: i'm ok now, though..
me: that's good.
yerlewej: ansaya nun! di dapat ma-ruin
yerlewej:
me: i can understand how you felt and it's a normal reaction..
me: yeah! exactly
yerlewej: which proves i'm still tao
yerlewej: haha!
me: next time, you're sitting next to me so we can laugh at the noisy girls giggling behind us...
me: haha
yerlewej: hahah! ganun ba?
me: and pretend to be part of the movie
me: or predict what's gonna happen next
yerlewej: wooh..^_^
yerlewej: which brings back my movie-w/-rex-and-jac memories
yerlewej: sa g4
me: haha. stomp the yard
yerlewej: yep
me: wish i saw it..i love dance movies
yerlewej: parang wala akng kasama nun. hahah!
yerlewej: talaga?
me: frustrated wanna-be dancer
yerlewej: pag na-download ko, i'll lend it to you
me: haha
yerlewej: me too!
me: bakit naman?
me: yay!
yerlewej: feeling ko kaya ko yung mga steps dun
me: oooooooh. that's my apo!
yerlewej: ah, kasi sila yung nag-uusap
yerlewej: di ako kasali
yerlewej:
me: ah. hahaha. that's why three's a crowd
yerlewej: yeah, pero during the movie lang yun
me: neverrrrr group into three's
yerlewej: nung nasa labas na kami, ok na ulit
me: hahaha
me: that's good
yerlewej: that was actually my bday gift to rex
yerlewej: na hindi naman halatang bday gift
yerlewej: hahahah!
me: hahaha.
me: that's a great gift. T-I-M-E
me: love it!
yerlewej:
me: omg. i just saw ma'm acop's friendster. i'll add her!
yerlewej: ngye! antagal na kaya nya sa profile ni jac
yerlewej: tska sa no exit ata
me: haha
yerlewej: ooh, you put the "person" thing sa comment..
me: yah
me: haha
yerlewej: actually, hndi ko nilagay sa comment ko sau yun
yerlewej: kasi i thought it was a one-to-one thing
yerlewej: sabi ko, bka magselos si jac
yerlewej: hahah! kasi she kept calling you her person kanina
me: haha. no. it's a philosophical topic we talked about during household overnight nung friday. you can have more than one person, apparently.
me: ideal though na magkaroon ng exclusive person. you know. top "person" niyo ang isa't isa
yerlewej: ooh. alright then. hahah! you'll be my constant person.
yerlewej: yeah.. actually
me: yay! i'm honored.
yerlewej: opcors..
yerlewej: joke.^_^
yerlewej: this is my promise to you
yerlewej: i mean, yung person thing
yerlewej: rather, my promise to myself
yerlewej:
me: i'll hold you to that.
me: lalagay ko 'to sa blog
yerlewej:
me: mwaha. i'll remove the first part
yerlewej: hahah! send me one, too.
yerlewej: kasi i accidentally closed the wondow
yerlewej: nawala yung previous messages
me: ok!
yerlewej: uhm, til what time mo balak mag-online?
yerlewej: meron kasi akong isesend na audio file
yerlewej: sooper cute sya
me: i'll be leaving soon. ate is pestering me. might come back though but i still have to verify..haha
me: ooooh!
yerlewej: actually, my ate is also pestering me
yerlewej: kanina pa
yerlewej: i try to remain firm. hahaah!
me: haha
me: i'm weak!!!
yerlewej: heheh.. actually, i'm weak din. kaso she already had d pc kaninang umaga/hapon
me: haha
me: yay! i have persons!!! woohoo!
me: *sanguine*

Day 18

i need to be honest about who i am; to take risks of getting hurt or misunderstood. i need to admit that i am human. i am not super! i get confused and angry. maybe the reason i'm so irritable is that it's my way of releasing the emotions bottled up inside me. in saying these things and sharing them with my spiritual family, i learn to develop trust, which is essential for spiritual growth.

Grey's Anatomy

i don't have a "person"! if i were in despair, who'd be there for me at absolutely any circumstance? i know God would be there, but isn't there a human too?

PS-i'm supposed to be studying. instead, i'm watching Grey's season 3. haha. huhu.

the art of letting go

Today marks a profound, though bittersweet, milestone for all of
us...

...as we bear witness to both an end and a beginning.

And while we must continue on, we must also be grateful to have
been blessed with someone who has so ably guided us to where we
are today.

When there has been so much love and happiness for someone, it
is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our
lives; for moving forward is rarely accomplished without
considerable grief and sadness.

And while our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear and
 the sun will shine on us again. And in that warm, bright light,
 we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future of
exciting challenges and infinite possibility, in which the horizon
 will stretch out before us, rimmed in the heavenly glow of the
sunrise of our tomorrow.

pretending to be summer

it has been quite a week. the last real entry i wrote was on April 17 and it was about starting a new life and how excited i was to be doing just that. ironically enough, i got to a bit of a slow start when it came to journal-writing and i hadn't been able to write what i wanted to. so, here's a recap:

i'm taking NatSci 5 and STS this summer. i'm not sure if taking the latter was a smart move because it requires a lot of work daily. however, i somewhat reluctantly decided to take it so i'd have more free time in the 1st sem which i hopefully can devote to service or something worthwhile. in STS, i'm with Jayson, Pau and AR. it's great because i haven't spent time with Pau and AR for most of the school year and they are a part of Gorgeous that i miss. i hope it turns out ok, the time i get to spend with them.

i also started tutoring last tuesday. it's been fun. i considered giving it up because i always have to go home late and because i predict that STS will be toxic. right now, however, i'm testing if i can make it. besides, i sort of see my former self in Jovy, in how we view God, and i really want to help reveal the true God to him because that truth has made all the difference in my life. btw, i got my 1st pay yesterday: P1,200! that's for 4 days. yay!

speaking of revealing God to others, that's something i decided i should do for the rest of Gorgeous., especially after Wednesday's worship @ the wall. I’ve been selfish, keeping the wonders of knowing God to myself, assuming that some are not “good” enough for it. I will let them decide. I’ll do my best and I pray that they do realize how much they want to love God too. Oh, Pau went to that worship! I think she really wants to just do right in her life and not think of past heartbreak. It’s true that we need suffering sometimes so we may be reminded of God’s presence and his great love for us, as was my case. Btw, Mapua has daily worship…I am a bit envious. I want to worship God too! But I guess there is more than one way of worshipping Him. That includes journal-writing, reading the Bible, praying, doing good, and even reading PDL. I hope I am honest in saying that I am trying to do all these. I’m now on my 4^th day of the PDL journey. My partner is Eric but the group also consists of Meedge, Har, Roni, Tin, and Jaq! Today, it reminded me of how life is only a preparation for eternity with God. Yesterday, it was about the importance of having a purpose life is driven towards. We talked about this @ CN tambayan and commented on how thankful we are that we’ve been given the chance to start getting to know God already.

So, I’ve talked about friends, acads, service. Family is sort of ok. My sisters and I got to bond a bit yesterday during ate cla’s birthday dinner at home. I really missed those moments although we did have our own version of that @ Room 4 J still not in best terms with...

God is like the wind. you can't see it, but you can feel it.

i finally watched "a walk to remember" again. the first time i did was years ago and, recently, i had been wanting to see it.

this shot was taken by kuya Jian (thanks for the pic!) on the trip back to metro manila from Bicol. ILC was a blast! watch out for an update.

"the end" precedes a new beginning

i'm almost through with my 2nd journal. i'm quite excited because it signifies a new beginning for me. when i first started writing over a year ago, my entries were mostly about me; about love and happiness and sorrow and hardships. now, i have come to realize that it is about God...my everything is about Him.

i know that i'm not perfect. in fact, i'm far from it. i am nothing. but through Him, i am becoming something. it has been quite a journey so far and i expect that God, awesome as He is, only makes it better as time progresses. i am giddy and excited at the thought of a new life; a life devoted to serving Him by serving everyone! i am excited at the thought of knowing and loving the Lord even more everyday and at the possibility of our relationship growing stronger. i am excited to live this life for Him.

so, what changes will occur in my new journal? it will start happy, for one. it will be about God and how He works in every moment of my life and yours. it will be about my struggle towards becoming a better person. most parts of my current journal (which is actually entitled Booster as well), towards the end, have been about that. the new one will no longer be named that. i'll have to think of something fitting.

i have much to do on this journey. read the Bible and other books. reflect and pray. worship. improve my relationship with others. listen and learn from others. think of God's greatness in every second of life. do well in all 5 areas, help others, improve my character, and so much more! it is a seemingly insurmountable task when i think about it, but i know that God is with me and supports me all the way. i can do all things through Him.

it has been a crazy 19 or so years. the past 5 months have been such a high and the past 1 year and 2 months have been quite a roller coaster ride. there have been highs, lows, twists, turns, pauses, peaks, screaming, puking, and just about everything else! and you know what, it has all been worth the while. life has never been this good. i have never experienced such a yearning for Him this way, a great thirst to serve Him. i admit that i'll probably be committing plenty of mistakes. however, i believe that the Lord is preparing me, that the Lord will make me able....

i'm a bit sleepy now. must make a list later....

the Lord is truly wonderful. He has given me, us, LIFE.

Kira, Myself, and Chia --> these were taken last 02/17/06

fresh out

i did some major spring cleaning a while ago. 6 hours of rummaging through piles of my junk and memories! it was tiring, yes. frustrating, definitely. but amidst all the confusion regarding how i was going to properly file my papers or cluster my accessories, i reminisced of fond memories. i found tons of old photographs and letters and bits of priceless keepsakes which my sisters fondly refer to as trash. i chanced upon an autograph book and realized that only one girl from my 4th grade clique remained my good friend (great friend actually). i also discovered only 1.75 years later that the butterfly chimes i got from iah's debut were glow-in-the-dark (i hung them in the study after i found them)! however, one of the most striking "lightbulb" moments occurred when i unearthed ate kathleen's kris kringle gift for me during the 1st year Christmas party @ CN.

it was a fluffy red box shaped like a perfect heart. on the lid is a cute little brown puppy. i remember the note that came with it. it said that one day, i'd fill the box with memories of my soulmate. i opened the box and found nothing. zip. not even a small fluff of dust. i placed it back in its christmas themed paper bag. then i tucked it back into my closet drawer. i remember how i used to take it out every once in a while, fantasizing. once, i placed a guitar string in it. after a while, i removed it. then, i contemplated putting a blank gift card in it but never did, wanting to make sure i wouldn't be removing it after a few months. to this day, i haven't dared to put anything in it. i had almost forgotten about it because i stopped taking it out of my closet for almost a year. and although i am fresh out of romance at the moment, i still hope that the thought and yearning will bloom into the real thing. if it is God's will, then i am sure it will be beautiful. if not, i'm ready. i can hack it (although i might be depressed at first). after all, i know that i can be a spoon even without a fork.


**this is probably typical of a girl who just transferred to a co-ed university from 11 years of exclusive all-girls schooling. i somehow thought that the NBSB status would change soon as there were guys available. well, i guess it's sort of my choice that i stayed this way right now. before, it was about finding the right person. that was a flop. now, the tables have turned. i want to become the right person first. although sometimes i do feel a bit desperate, 'coz i feel like i have eons to go before i get there. also, sometimes i think there are potential future GGs. haha. but then i just pull myself back by saying to myself that i don't want to need someone. i want to believe and prove that i am complete on my own. i mean, having someone say, "You complete me" to you is such a burden only Jesus could carry.

two way things

what the heck does it mean? i wrote it on my journal last April 1st..i can't remember what i meant by it. any ideas?

almost goodbye

I’m almost gone. Wrote a letter to ate di. Must write to others too.

I’m gonna miss everything about this place. From the little things like the weird food, common bathroom, plenty of storage space, sleeping on the top bunk, a real study area, instant hot drinking water (which I don’t drink anyway), my own pc...to the bigger things like freedom 'til 930pm, “independent” living, the relationships built here, HH. I’m gonna miss my roommates who, for most parts, showed me more kindness than my real family. My roommates and friends whom I can easily look to for help, my roommates who are always there for me, my roommates who are also my sisters.

However, I know that I must do this in order that one day, maybe my relationship with the people at home can be like such. It is time. Staying at Mary’s House has brought so many opportunities into my life: a taste of what a real family oughtta be, a glimpse of romance, a bit of independence, the lesson of responsibility. It gave me the chance to join YFC (which changed my life), to attend LIFE meetings. It taught me that the things that matter most in any problem is not the situation but the person involved. It taught me to act with concern and respect for others. I have learned to try to appreciate everything God has given me. And to think that these changes in my life might not have occurred ‘til much later in my life if not for such a teeny tiny small thing as dorming.

Now, i must move on. I have been called to serve where we must all learn to serve, and that place is called HOME. In my desperate attempt to escape that environment, I realized that things do not have to be at a certain level that leaves us unsatisfied. Rather, we must go through all odds to fight for that which is right and beautiful and awesome. So that we may grow, all of us, in His light and love.

Thank You, Lord.

iceberg

so much has happened in such a short span of time. Yesterday at around 510pm, I went to confession for the 1^st time since 4^th year HS. I had been feeling so guilty about being useless. All those years I though “why go to a priest when I could go directly to God?” I realized that I had never really known and loved God then, which is why I never really felt guilty and sorry for all the mistakes I did. But now that I am trying to get to know/love/serve the Lord, it struck me that all the “little” things I did against His will everyday hurt Him deeply. Much more than the “official” sin such as drinking alcohol or whatever. I felt so unworthy of His love but a brother told me that I had to believe I was worthy. Because God does. None of us, if we think about it, are truly worthy of His love. And yet He gave His life for us. And His sacrifice saves us and gorgives all our past, present, and future sins. So when I went to confession, I had no idea how to do it but did it anyway. And I am so happy because such a huge weight has been lifted. Right now I am trying to do my best in doing good and avoiding sin.

A while ago, our SE was such a success thanks to God. He provided for us so that we may be able to take BPs and test blood types. He loves us for love’s sake, no matter how undeserving we are. Isn’t that just great? May we learn to really realize that everyday is indeed a blessing and a miracle.

“Because He Himself was tested through what He suffered, He is able to help those who are being tested.” -Heb 2:18

one at last

I have tons to do but I just have to comment that this has been quite a week for me. Sure, I am worried about home visit. And yeah, I am still lazy. But this week has truly been a blessing. I’m learning to worship and serve God J to pay my taxes. Haha. I’m trying to strengthen my soul so that its yearnings may overcome those of my physical, only secondary self. I am a soul. I must learn to empower myself. I don’t want to keep giving in to my body—all that laziness is wasting me. I can be much more, do much more, serve much more. And I do want that. It should therefore be easy, yet it is not. Because all my life, I have learned to separate my body from my soul. I was just some body. Now, I am trying to merge these two at last. Only then can I be truly of service to God. Only then can I be happy. I love you, God. And I am extremely thankful that You have given me the chance to get to know You more and to be used by You more. I wanna be in heaven with You, even as I lie here on earth.

high, high, high!!

Well, it has certainly been an eventful weekend, to say the least. The submission of N107 CHN drafts, the puppy named Jack, the ulcer-ish, mefenamic acid-induced “high” during prayer meetings (how silly), trip to UP Diliman for research and lunch @ Rodic’s, my mom’s med school reunion. And then, instead of going to the concert, Chia and I just stayed at home since I was quite to sick for mosh pits. We spent the hours talking and making my visuals for implementation next week. It’s the 1^st time she ever stayed there for over an hour and I think it’s only the 2^nd time she’s been to my house! Haha! To think, we’ve been friends for almost 9 years. And then there was the fever. Then communion that was finally meaningful again. Oh, and this amusing crazy lady in church whose imaginary friend got squashed by this terrified couple. They moved to a different pew after 10 minutes.

But the really big news? *drumroll please* I finally told my mother that I loved her. She was lecturing and reprimanding again. I felt awful because I knew that she felt worthless, an inadequate housewife and mother. I felt awful because I knew that, somehow, I contributed to that. And I was and am truly sorry. I mean, how can you let someone as suicidal and overly dramatic as my mother know that she isn’t worthless and that she is, in fact, irreplaceable? You don’t. it makes you weak. Vulnerable. Well, I am weak and vulnerable and also overly dramatic (Maybe even more so. A bit neurotic too, actually, but that’s out of the picture). So I hugged her and blurted it out.

This is, to date, the most awkward thing I have ever done. And I bet it will remain to be so…perhaps more awkward than a 1^st kiss (yes, I haven’t had that either) or the 1^st time you make love with your husband (100% pure). It’s a bit ironic that we are unable to tell or show our loved ones how important they are to us. How much we, too, love them. It’s funny yet sad at the same time. It shouldn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to be this way. Yet it is.

We may not have the best relationship in the compound, let alone in the world, but she is my mother and she did raise me. Perhaps I am not her idea of a perfect child but I try to be a good person who’s true to herself and I believe that’s a daughter anyone would love and be proud of. I think she, with her strict and medieval ways, unintentionally raised me to be independent and ambitious, to be a person who tries to really live. She did that, and that makes her super!

erasures

I’m supposed to be doing tons of CHN paperwork. Instead, here I am. I’ve been bumming again recently and haven’t got a clue as to why. Maybe I feel like I’ve nothing to look forward to, which is kinda morbid. No, that’s not it. I don’t know why! But just in case it’s the romance blues, I think it’s time to take another step towards letting go. I shall deny myself from succumbing to any urge to see him or whatever. And now, I’m gonna erase some messages again.

June 16, 2006 18:51:57 à erase.

June 26, 2006 15:16:33 à erase.

And all those that follow à erase.

They’re all gone now. I just need to write the story and get rid of my umbrella. And probably some other stuff. Hide the letters or something. Maybe we’re never gonna be friends….

rebirth

The last minutes of my birthday

Last night, I wept. I let uncontrollable circumstances, bad moods, and awful schedules get to me. Instead of spending a happy dinner at home with my family, I spent the night mostly alone; eating, watching Grey’s Anatomy, crying in the bathroom, and trying to de-puff my eyes with a cooling eye mask. Let me tell you something, none of it did me any good….

Well, maybe except for one thing. I realized that although I may be far from being God’s perfect angel/servant/child, I have also come a long way. I have also tried my best to be so. I fell asleep knowing that God loves me and has truly blessed me. I fell asleep not at all fantasizing about the day to come, nor dreading it. I fell asleep thankful for everything. I fell asleep praying for everyone I know (or trying to. Darn memory). I feel asleep with conviction in God’s plan for me, whatever that may be.

Today was a happy day. Although there may be parts in my life I am not completely satisfied with, I have been given many opportunities to realize how blessed and loved I am. How instrumental I can be. I have my family and friends. I have my faith. I have my God…and that is all I could ever need or want.

Last night, I wept. Tonight, I will fall asleep with a big fat smile on my face and pure joy in my heart. There is peace, and the tears of the past nineteen years have been purged from my soul. Indeed, much has changed. It is 12 midnight.

good days

Good day today. BT @ ward, no bedside conference yet, lesson’s from Ma’m Pareja, finished labs by 6pm…lunch with myself @ Sinangag Php39! Nice chat with kim during N181 lec, saw most of my UPCN friends for the 1^st time this 2007, Prof. Maglaya telling me this hilarious intrigue about myself that she heard from someone, people congratulating me on my some-kind-of-pseudo fashion show, talking and greeting my dormmates… even the awkward 2-second moment bumping into him in front of the boy’s washroom seems funny. And I finally, finally deleted his ID pic and our one & only pic together from my palm.

Every day should be a good day J

….I don’t know if I read this in a book or saw it on TV: If you wake up everyday thinking of becoming this one thing then you are already it.

Today, I want to be an artist. I want to help people. I want to be a mother and wife. I want to write and do my visual art stuff during my free time. I want to be a good person. I want to be God’s child and servant. I want to experience joy and sorrow and pain and laughter and grief and love. I want to be on earth now, then go to heaven later. I want to live, die, then live again.

Simbang gabi!

my 1st time here in the city and, you know, with the the exception of Christmas day. Hahaha. Di, clara and mads are with me. Toodles!

style + ice + sojun + literature

I’m gonna do a fashion show! Well, just one piece, but still. Haha.

Went ice-skating again. Fell so many times and I even displayed anaphylactic reactions to the cold. By the time I went out the rink, my fingers were so swollen it looked like I had 10 thumbs! Haha.

Then, we had our Christmas party at Room 4. yep, just me, ate di, clara, and ria. We had so much fun eating, talking, exchanging gifts, drinking sojun—a Korean alcoholic beverage (well, this part was both dreadful and fun), dancing with a pseudo disco light c/o ate di’s flashlight, and hiding the bottle when Sister Elvira went into our room! Hahaha.

Anyway, I don’t know if it’s from reading Elizabeth or maybe because I don’t see him (literally), but I’m okay. Maybe I was just being curious but I think I can survive without knowing what really happened. And maybe I have come to accept that though I love him, we really aren’t meant for each other. And I don’t even mean that in a bitter way at all. I guess we just weren’t the right mix, although we are great persons, individually. And yes, I am still hoping and waiting for my soulmate; the one God has made for me; the one that will improve me further when and only when I cannot do so on my own any longer.

Although I do wish we could be friends, I know that I am ready for that new chapter in my life no. I no longer want to keep flipping back and forth. Now that I think I have sufficient understanding of what happened, I am finally ready for what is about to take place.

lost

I’m right in front of the lanterns at the PGH quad. Haven’t had even a tad of shut-eye, btw. Spent most of the overnight lantern duty telling joa about my almost love life. Haha. anyway, I really wish we win 1st. the batch really worked hard on it. I’ve even been suffering from flatulence related to lack of sleep for the past 2 days now.

Haaay. Must I go and blab again? I guess maybe I wouldn’t feel awful or would feel better if we were friendly. He doesn’t need to share juicy details and such but, you know, a bit of teasing and conversing about movies would be nice.

Do I want to be more than friends? I don’t know. I mean, I love the person but what else is there? He is soo not ready for a commitment. Blah blah. I’m sorry to admit it but he did make me fee awful about myself and nearly drove me to insanity! We don’t have much in common. And values? Miles apart. I mean, I’m not quite sure if we feel similarly in things that truly matter but I do have the sneaking suspicion that the answer’s not good. So why do I love the person? I don’t know. Maybe because, for a short time, he made me feel loved. Maybe because he arrived without my asking, because he endured my dramatics. Maybe because I enjoy talking with him (that is, when we do get to talk).

I think I can handle being just friends. If only I’d been given a real shot at that.

what is a friend?

Noel’s text. Ok, so how do I feel about that? I feel real guilty and sorry for hurting him. But I think we were all hurt by his words as well. I’m just disappointed in him being so lax in group stuff right now though. I’m disappointed because I’ve always looked up to the person, you know? He’s one of the people who brought me closer to God. And to see him acting like he doesn’t care about us, his friends, well, that really hurts. And I am sorry if I have acted the same way towards him. Truly sorry.

Oh my. I just realized that I haven’t written in such a long time. I’m here at the CN auditorium right now. I had to leave the Christmas party at Mary’s House at 10pm, which was just too bad because it was a real blast: the presentations, stand-up acts, intermissions, awards…we even won the award for cleanest room! Hayaaaa! Earlier, I went to MOA with alex, roj, mic, and pau to ice-skate! It was my first time ever. Fell flat on my butt twice. By the end of the hour I managed to stand and even glide (however awkwardly) on my own. I’m gonna skate again. Next time, I’m gonna do even better. Haha. at least, I hope I do.

Junior High

I’ve been reading Sweet Valley Jr. High. Funny thing: even if I’m in 3rd year college, thre are a lot of “me” issues here. Haha. for example, Damon & Jessica. Not that I was obsessed in being a great GF (not that I’ve actually even been a GF, good or crummy, to anyone ever) but I did often wonder what the other person thought. Blah, blah….it’s just funny.

Ok, maybe not so much. I don’t know what he was thinking but, in some ways, Damon is so much better. Change is good. Sometimes you have to stick up for things but when you realize that something must be done (and this may entail changing something in yourself) in order for life (in general or yours or someone else’s) to become better.

I really did care about him. I did want to talk to him and, more importantly, him to talk to me. Because he did matter to me. We were friends first, after all. I had a genuine interest in being his true friend and, later on, perhaps a GG. Oh well. I guess it’s better for me because I do want someone who appreciates me and is also genuinely interested in being a true friend and confidant to me. I mean, honestly, those are the real “kilig” moments: when you realize you have true love for each other, and I stress “each other” (true love, too). Love shouldn’t and will never be a one way thing. And it’s not about kisses and hugs and dates or whatever. It’s about just living and being at peace with yourself and finding someone that increases that when you thought it couldn’t get better. It’s not about being saved or completed but about sharing life with comeone and vise versa.

Hmm…I guess I don’t love him that way anymore. Maybe I’m just projecting or something. The truth is, I know I’ve got work to do regarding all the aspects of my life so…I guess I better get a move on. I think I need to complete myself. Well, I know I do. I also know that as soon as I do, God will reveal the next step for me.

Move forward. Look back but never return. There is always something to improve on. FORWARD…

love

everybody needs someone.

What is right???

something is right if it makes you happy, if it leads you closer to God, if it makes you want to do and actually do the right things, if it makes you well-rounded...a better person...the person you want to be and God designed you to be. something is right when you've no doubts about it, when it won't harm anyone else, when you become llike God and Jesus through it.

dear Lord, please guide me to always do the right thing, to always act the right way.

***wrote this during class. i was listening to prof cajucom (if you can believe) when i suddenly felt this strong feeling to do what is right and i felt the need to define it. perhaps, to relieve my confusion.

5 points

i feel good and awful at the same time. good with my acads and talents because i'm learning to do well in both. good with friends because i've been forming deeper ones lately. :) good with family because i've been trying to improve my relationship with them. ok with my service because it's progressing, however snail-paced it may be. awful with love life, of course. i guess this is proof that to be satisfied with life, we need to learn to be satisfied in all aspects of our life.

i have a feeling i need to spread the word. last friday was a great experience for me. I NEED TO LIVE AND URGE OTHERS TO DO THE SAME.

10 minutes to live

read all the instructions..then follow.

close your eyes. imagine that you are in a car. suddenly, crash! everything goes dark. you black out. and when you wake up, you find yourself in a hospital room. the doctor approaches you and tells you that from this very moment, you have only 10 minutes to live. he hands you a paper and pen and leaves the room. what would you do? remember, 10 minutes. (time yourself)

finished?

what did you do? did you write anything? made a paper crane perhaps? if you did write something...did you write everything? or was 10 minutes hardly enough?

the trick is this...

we're not supposed to write anything. because that means that we aren't living the way we ought to...the way we want to....

***galing ni God. last night was great. now, i will try to LIVE so that in my last 10 minutes of life, i don't have to spend it saying my regrets, speaking of unsaid "i love you's"....

now you try it.

remission and relapse

i was finally able to approach him...*insert stuff from my diary*

...

i'm disappointed in myself because i'm not acting in the way i think God wants me too. i already made a plan with Him. purposive singleness! i don't want to take back my promise to Him. i want to be an "O" and roll with Him before anyone else. i don't want to fall back if it's not right by God.

pharmacology samplex

the 1st words since...i don't know. like the first drops of water from a faucet after a drought. it could be real...or just a tease. but either way, i'm happy for it. however, i'm still waiting for a go signal. i wish we could start over. i'm no longer asking for things to return to the way they were at the very start. i think i can safely say that i will be contented with pictures of "barbs" days.

please, Lord, tell me what to do and how to act. thank you for getting me through tough times.

i hope he's okay.

umbrella

i have an umbrella. it's gray and quite broken. fairly new, of good quality but, for some reason, it didn't last very long. it is no longer of use to me. sometimes, it is even a nuisance, taking up much needed space in my cabinet. i will not lose much by discarding it. perhaps, i will even gain more if i do.

so why haven't i the heart to throw it out?

shadow

isn't it weird how when it's all sunny, you have shadows but when it's pitch-black, they disappear?

sanguine again

i just got home. i watched Marie Antoinette at Greenbelt 3 today. having spent the afternoon alone, i was able to reflect a bit.

alone? i say, why not? we were borne into this world alone (most of us). what's so wrong about having "me" time? it's great to just be with yourself. that's when you discover who you really are. you're FREE!!! i mean, i was literally all alone in the L row of Cinema 2 but i felt great! even if i was semi-surrounded by families and couples i felt like i was the one who had the best time. sure, we all could use a bit of company. after all, no man should spend his years alone, cooped up in a weirdo's lair but sometimes company strangles and squishes bits of who we are and we all need to take a break from that. i mean, you can't separate parts of yourself so when you think you're only compromising a bit of yourself, you're actually losing the essence of who you are.

talk to strangers? sure! why can't we greet other people just because we're not related to them or have no interest in them? this tall Spanish guy greeted me with "saan ka pupunta?" as i was happening to walk beside him on my way to the cinemas. we had a short conversation while walking until i finally realized that i was supposed to catch a movie. never miss out on an opportunity to make acquaintances. you never know if they could turn into great friendships. and forget that people might think you're some psycho or that you're flirting with them if you smile and lock eyes as you pass by. i don't know about you but sincere smiles are one of my favorite pick me-uppers.

laugh! who cares if you look ward 7 crazy? as long as you don't seem murderous, ok then!

sleep on a stranger's shoulder (or let them do that to you). i do this all the time. unintentionally, of course. if someone needs to rest and my shoulder can help, then by all means, sleep! just don't drool. why do we need to actually know people to help them in things that don't involve morality? it may not seem as important as returning a wallet or helping out a lost child but it sure does count. my head was bobbing unto some lady's shoulder in the MRT a while ago and i felt her inch away from me. right then, i was turned off. looks can be deceiving. i remember an old woman on the jeep who lent me her shoulder when she noticed that i was whacking my brains on the sides of the jeepney. it's amazing how strangers can be so kind.

make a plan. sure, we all love a spontaneous chick. but some people just need a little more guidance. think God randomly decides what's gonna happen everyday? think again. haha. i have just made a plan, complete with an objective tree. i guess all the event in my life, the movies, everything and everyone have led to this whatchamacalit/map thing. i can't show you though, or else you really will think i'm neurotic. haha.

elasticity

i've been keeping myself quite busy these days, what with all the n119 projects and my continuing education at FIP (and beyond. haha). i'll be making and reworking stuff for the bazaar while continuing my fabulous sewing projects. haha. i have my own projects at home, as well. aside from my style experiments, i also have my book. i'll be resuming work on BOOSTER. also have two new stories, one involving flowers and the other concerns an umbrella. heehee. hopefully, i can get myself into writing poetry again, the way i used to back in high school. i haven't written poems in a while since in-your-face essays and children's stories are more my thing.

yes, these are my "moving on" projects. i have no desire of denying anything that has happened. but i have made the important decision to swim out of this puddle i have created for myself. once i finish my story and illustration, i'm even gonna try to get a publishing house to actually make them! *crosses fingers* i'm going back to the choir too. i'm gonna start attending practices again. i'm trying to install a bible for my palm so i can really get into reading it. i'm also doing things for my family now...fixing their stuff, joining them in absurd family activities i usually miss out on during schooldays. as usual, i'm gonna try to read as many novels as i can and watch all the movies that i want. cinemanila's coming...if i had the budget for it, i'd watch everyday. heehee. but just watching Insiang will be fine with me. if i can hack it, one movie a day would be great.

you may call it whatever you want. but i have termed this elasticity. i'm bouncing back...snappy huh? :) i am not just returning to who i was/am, but trying to become the person i want to be. i realized that i had let go of almost every thing that made me happy...for nothing. i may have missed out but hey, it's never too late. so here i am plastering all my posessions with my list of goals and priorities. honestly, my bed at the dorm looks like a giant yellow post-it! haha.

so here i am, doing my best to become a human superwoman, if you get what i mean. perfectly imperfect.

trick or threat

I spent the afternoon with my family today. as expected, the experience was an emotional rollercoaster that would surely leave my ECG results the most erratic any cardiologist would live to see. i honestly pity anyone forced to share family time with us. if you've ever wondered how the presence of dementors in your alley really feel like, try going to the mall with us...the trip on the way alone is almost too much to handle-it really manages to suck out all the happiness from you and leaves you lying on your face on cold, hard dirt with only your awful past to keep you company amidst the deafening silence. the faux bliss manages to melt off of your plastic face and your emotions are once again revealed in their rotting, maggot-infest.ed glory. in short, i feel sucky today. i have no idea if it is entirely due to the same reason. since today is the official start of the break for me, i have naught school to blame for such a dip in my emotions.

i'm trying. i really am. i have psychotically scheduled every day of the break to ensure that the only thing i will be feeling would be fatigue. i keep chanting to myself that there is no room for spontaneity in my life right now. i know, it sounds awful. and perhaps it is. but it is this very thing which has led to my present state of demise and i cannot afford to let that happen again...not at this moment, anyway.

relapse

The past weeks, I find I can easily disappear from the world. Yes, my body remains as solid and intact as ever, but it has been devoid of my soul from time to time; a corpse, a lifeless being with unresolved conflicts, a silvery ghost that cannot fully be wiped off from the face of the universe just yet. Though there are no more tears, my heart is still heavy, filled with lead. I have been trying, with great difficulty, to move on. Yet the more determined I am to start living, the more I am sucked into the hidden circle of Inferno: one for wallowers, beside those in limbo. The most excruciating thing in the world is when you realize that your happiness now depends on someone other than yourself. Yes, there are those who will oppose, saying that such state is a choice only you can make. Then again, there are those who say that hard work and relentless studying will enable you to survive Math 101. It’s true, but not as easy as we wish it to be.

I used to love being alone, being in communion with myself. I used to take pride in the fact that I, unlike most women my age, didn’t need someone to eat or go to the bathroom with. Now, I despise being left to myself. I’m always looking for company. And if no one is available, I find myself desperately trying to mimic human interaction by drowning my unpleasant memories with wallowing music straight from my mp4 player.

It was quite surprising therefore that I enjoyed my walk to the dorm after the exam a while ago. Or maybe I should’ve known it all along. As I savored the experience, taking in the sights as if I were only seeing them for the first time, it dawned on me that I could correlate every little thing to you-know-what. Pathetic, but there you go. The next worst feeling in the world is when you can no longer determine how you feel. Are you really ok? Or in denial of how awful you feel? Chaos happens. You’re messed up and that’s the only thing you are sure of. What’s next? You start to develop this sinking feeling that no matter how hard you try, you won’t be the same, you won’t be ok. Not unless….then the vicious cycle continues.

booster

i am improving though, i must admit, not yet wholly alright. i have begun to rediscover my previous life and the preoccupations and conditions which come with the package. i can proudly say that i no longer feel so empty or lifeless. however, i sense that there is still the tingling sting of a fresh wound, a remnant of the former bermuda triangle that my world has been sucked into the past weeks.

if you weren't able to read my book, here's what's written there. this is the manuscript so expect some improvements later on.


there was a girl who decided to visit the carnival. just the idea of it intrigued her. "this is going to be fun", she whispered to herself.

she was looking for a good time. so go to the carnival she did. she spent the day eating candy and popcorn, looking at throngs of people laughing and talking. she rode the bumpcars and the ferris wheel and a ride that made her so dizzy she had to sit still for 3 hours...looking on as the people passed by and as the rides went on. her eyes kept wandering until they rested on the BOOSTER.

it was a ride that twisted and turned and sped up backwards for an excruciating 5 minutes or so.

she debated with herself: to ride or not to ride?

she knew fully vvell that the probability of her getting sick afterwards was very high. then again, she found the idea of experiencing such a cacophony of emotions too overwhelming to resist. and perhaps, she thought, the momentary bliss would be worth feeling worse than hung over.

pondering on such arguments, SHE GOT ON. and as she whirled and screamed and blinked and screamed some more, she kept wondering if she made the right choice...if she'd feel ecstatic or not. and when she got off, she felt too dizzy to walk in a straight line. she also got sick...twice.

but nothing could have made her happier than the thought that she was brave enough to ride the BOOSTER.

then the little girl left the carnival.

but BOOSTER kept running.

people got on. then got off.

some rode again. and again.

some have had enough of it.

some didn't want to try it at all.

others spent so much time trying to muster the courage to get on that, by the time they had made up their minds...the carnival had left.

before they knew it, BOSTER was running elsewhere...and no one could be sure if it were ever coming back.

this little girl prayed it would.

maybe next time it would be even better for her.

almost at the finish line

okay. i am starting to forgive as well as accept. ate di is right. this may be a blessing in disguise. at least, i was saved from the wrong one. but i am not mad at him. i hate how he acted but, right now, i'm really concerned for him. i hope he finds someone whom he doesn't just like but also learns to show love for. someone who'll understand his moods and idiosyncrasies. i mean, i did but...oh well. i just wish him the best. i hope he finds peace of mind and true happiness. that's a wish for everyone actually.

i still want to talk. i just want to be friends again. i hate having a "non-friend" acquaintance. besides, i know that not a lot of people understand him. i'm no longer sure...maybe i was one of them. at the moment, i don't know whom he talks with...and i mean real conversations. but i hope he has at least one person he can really share stuff with. i don't know if i was one of those people. i really wish he has someone. everyone needs someone to gossip about their own lives with. haha. but seriously..when i kept all of these emotions to myself and my journal, i was such a wreck. and that went on for months. it's just really frustrating to keep all these bottled inside. i'm just concerned for him.

dear God, please watch over him. keep him safe. let him find his way to You. if he finds it difficult to confide with others, let him realize that You are there for him and will never forsake him. let him now that i, too, am here for him. i will always be his friend, even if he no longer wants to be mine.

i will no longer force him to talk with me. when he's ready, then we can talk. i know that i, too, may have wronged him in some ways and i hope that one day, he will find it in his heart to forgive me. i have already forgiven him, even if he doesn't seem to want my forgiveness.

i think i am okay now. maybe i am not 100% thru with the 3 stages, but i now i'm gonna be fine soon.

sting

it's his loss. what i was willing to give him was more precious than tulips or whatever. if he doesn't realize that, it's not even worth my time to try to make him see it. but even if i know this, it doesn't lessen the pain. i am still hurting...emotionally, psychologically. it's internal bleeding. i just know that i'm not yet ok. i may not be crying much...probably because either i'm all out or it's too deep for tears. i have no idea how to make it all better. i just need to believe in God. i need to stop wallowing in the past if i am to recover. dear Jesus, please help me focus on what's important in my life. please...

*dare you to move*

where can you run to escape from yourself?

something good happened. ARIES LAGAT won the MEGA event! he's going to Paris next year. you go, Aries! that a well-deserved victory. too bad i was busy wallowing in self-pity and wasn't able to watch him win.

i am half-wallowing. i'm trying to accept this situation of mine. have to try to concentrate but i am sooooo [insert OO lyrics] with him. *sigh* how did this happen? i'm supposed to have an independent soul/artiste life, not the pathetic-girl-crying-over-some-guy life. i can't wait to be completely over.

the next two steps

acceptance and forgiveness. yes, i still cannot fully grasp that there is absolutely no way for us to be us. that there is no chance at all. and though i am not mad at him, i hate how i turned out. i don't know if i learned much, if i have improved as a person. i'm still slacking off, still self-conscious, still cravinf for attention every once in a while. and i don't like that i went through all that to end up with nothing. (or didn't i?)

they say it is better to have loved and lost. in some cases, i agree. for at least you recognize the feeling. you learn to let yourself go. but also, for some, it may have been better to remain where they were. for falling in and out of love is like jumping off a cliff on a hang glider. you take the step that launches you into the air. you soar. and then you plop on lower ground, tripping over yourself. and when you're really unlucky, you get stuck in a tree or end up in a pool of mud or a swamp filled with alligators. where did i end up?

when i think about it, yes, it is a grievous loss. but it would've been ok if we talked about it (okay, that may have been partly my fault that we didn't.) and that we go back to being civil, on the road to becoming friends once again...

Happy birthday Sandra!

Single life is haunting me again. Yes, it’s enjoyable to pretend to be the woman of the world. And though I’ve never actually been not single (haha), there are times when you can’t help but wish it weren’t so. Like right now. I’m about to pack up the exhibit of the entire class myself. Haaay.

cleansed

God amazes me with his sense of humor. Today’s sermon was about love. How ironic. God is the best scriptwriter ever. Haha. Leave it to him to make me go to mass alone then have that happen. And on my way home, I finally decided to get my act together. I realized once again that all things and good wishes happen, in God’s time. He has only the most perfect plans for each of his children.

I was already at my street when it started to drizzle. I didn’t feel like using my broken umbrella. So I welcomed the cool raindrops with slightly outstretched arms. I even stuck out my tongue to taste it. God has mercifully washed away my tears with his own. Thank you for the rain. It’s as if he were reminding me that he would never desert me nor forsake me. An actual conversation with God. How I love him. And how he loves me (and everyone else).

the first step

*officially wallowing* I so hate this. I mean, it’s good that I’m wallowing because it’s a step in getting over. Unfortunately I have no time to wallow or not to wallow. Huhu. What the hell am I supposed to do? I’m listening to wallowing music now. Not sure if that’s a good idea. It calms me, but it also forces me to confront myself with everything that’s happening (or not happening, rather). It’s too early to force him into a conversation, though.

I should’ve never gotten on the booster.

**if you’re wondering what my last sentence meant, that means you haven’t read my book yet. Ask me about it and I’ll gladly show you. Haha. I worked hard on that.

the tulips are dead but the pot will live forever

I took back the letter, remember? Well, I made a new one and gave it last Tuesday, I think. I’m desperately trying to wallow now. The first tear dropped a few hours ago, when I was trying to think of something to text him. Unfortunately, that doesn’t count much because only a few followed. Then they were gone, just like that. I’m so depressed. Not the suicidal kind. Just the kind that makes you bum out all the time. The kind that sucks all the life out of you and makes living just not dying and nothing else. I just want to be over him. But I have no idea how to do that. I want to live and be happy and realize that there is definitely more to life but I can’t. I want to make the freakin medpaper, for crying out loud! Okay…I’m crying right now. Good. And bad. Jesus, why? Why did this happen? I mean, I am thankful because I did have good times with him, however scarce those were, but I also wish that they just didn’t happen. Because I am no longer myself now. I am not the person whom I was and want to be. The supergirl who could do anything and who wouldn’t cry over a guy that hurts her and doesn’t realize how luck he is to have her. I just want to be normal again. Please. To not think of him whenever I think of anything. To not want so desperately for him to come out of nowhere and say that he loves me and is sorry for hurting my feelings. I want to be free. Please, please…I can’t take this anymore. I can’t concentrate on a darn thing. I have become even more useless than before. Please, please, let me get over and let it be soon. I have a life to live. I don’t want to be a rock but I don’t want to be a marshmallow either, even if they taste best when roasted.

I have done so many wrong things in my life and perhaps loving him the way I do is one of those but please, don’t let me make anymore. All my life, I have been a silent failure. I don’t want to fail anymore. Not in my faith, not with my family, not with love, not with friends, not with school, not in life…not anymore.

Please, Lord. I’m asking you, take the pain away. Take the pain away so I may do my best to serve you. I will serve you and worship you with everything I do and all that I have. All I ask, not in return for I owe you too much already, but as a gift, is for you to please take the pain away. Or give me the strength to overcome all this pain, the strength to continue your work in spite of all the obstacles and sufferings. Please…

For the first time in a long time, I’m not yet sleepy. Haha. supposed to be doing a stack of school work but…oh well. How do I feel? At the moment…EMPTY. HOLLOW. Like my Rapunzel mug that has just recently been emptied of delicious but cold Milo drink. It must be the reason why, for most of the past two months, I have lost so much energy. The sweetness of life has been drained out of me and into some vacuum. It was only meant to clan a bit, but went overboard. I no longer know how I feel. I am completely unable to specify my emotions for majority of my conscious moments. I am neither happy nor depressed. Perhaps because I, like the relationship which evaporated so painfully slow, am in limbo…between wallowing and denial. I don’t know. I’m just…..

PS (10/14/06)

I fell asleep. Haha. I know. I’m pathetic. Leave me alone! I know I’m not supposed to feel this way and I have just officially become one of the girls I despise so much. Those who aren’t in control of their lives and emotions. Well, this too shall pass. But in the meantime…*listens to wallowing and HR music*

I’ve been trying my best to wallow and block out the emotion at the same time. Maybe being numb is better. No, it definitely isn’t. if you want to be human, the senses are included in the package. My mp3 player is my security blanket. Blasted to ear-deafening levels, it helps me pretend that I live in my own, perfect, HR, melodious world…until reality sets in, thanks to the lack of power/outside forces. And there goes my heart again.

for real...

I finally gave the letter that I took back. Ok, so it’s a revised one…but still. I had this idea that, instead of a person box, I’d make altered books instead. I found myself wishing I’d have just one book forever. Haay. I’ll just read a chapter of “When God Writes Your Love Story” to make me feel better…then make my medpaper. Nothing like stress to beat the heartbreak out of you.

overload

I have so much to write about. Aaaargh. Must schedule a daily journal-writing time. Kaso sobrang toxic e. I need the sleep. I sure hope I can keep track of the events and lessons in life. Keywords will do, for now…

Love parents. Be with someone who appreciates you. Do something you love. Live life to the fullest. Dance! Do your best. Organize. Time. Possible. Prioritize. Communicate. Stress. Doubts. Family. Choice. Enjoy.

Recent events: Nursecisissm and the spontaneous urge to watch “Step Up”

It’s finished. I haven’t written in a while so this may be confusing. My feelings have been ever-changing since the start of sem. They still are. But I have made a decision, however reluctantly. Yesterday morning, I dropped by the boarding house and left the twice-revised letter for him. My heart is still trying to pound its way through my ribcage. I’m still not sure if what I did was ultimately the best move. I keep wishing that, any time now, he’d contact me and ask for another chance, promising not to screw it up for the nth time. Silence. Nothing. The only messages I have received this morning were about the Hum report and N119 stuff. Maybe it is for the best. I’m tired of fantasizing…tired of forcing my ideals on him. It’s just that…I’m also not that ready to let go just yet. Not that there’s anything to hold on to anyway. It’s the worst feeling ever. Just when you’ve finally accepted that you love someone, you realize that you aren’t meant for each other. You realize that forcing it would hurt you both and exhaust all your energies. You try to see if you can put up with it, like any martyr HR. Okay, it hurts. So you do the rational thing and do it before it’s too late. It still hurts. And then you realize…it’s always too late.

The only time I stop thinking about these are the times I think that maybe it doesn’t matter to him. Maybe it was his way of saying he’s no longer interested. Then it hurts for the 3rd time. Ouch.

I just want to talk. What do I expect will come out of it? I have absolutely no idea. What do I wish will come out of it? It’s pathetic, I know…I, too, want the 2nd chance.

I shouldn’t fool myself though. The chances of that happening are less than zero. So now, I am in depression mode. How the hell will I get over? I barely have the energy to eat, stay awake, and study. No, I don’t feel suicidal. I just don’t feel happy either. And unfortunately, that is my fuel. I’m running out…

Cold shoulder

Weirdly enough..it’s back to nothing. Brrr. Anybody got a heater?

getting on

I’m sure. And I have even made a great, humorous speech for when I tell him. *giggles*

Dorks R us

here i am, just making the most of my internet time at Netbooster....

the scene: a bit cramped, but tidy, nonetheless. mostly adolescent males playing whatever it is kids play these days. the twenty-something guy at my left just finished looking at Christina Aguilera photos. no, they aren't dirrty at all.

my mood: state of anguish and desperate depression, not to mention a knack for being annoyingly redundant.

rationale: it's been a sucky week, no doubt. academic problems. then there are the problems with just about everything else. long story, will elaborate some other time. the thing is, i'll be removing N105 on Monday. it really bites because i thought i was doing okay. and by okay, i mean, just enough to escape the removals. 2 failed long exams. some had it worse but aren't taking the exam on Monday. i'm not saying i ought to be with them. on the contrary, i hate myself even more. i could've done something about it, after all. i'm darn scared because failing it would mean free mornings for the rest of the sem. and surprisingly, i find myself preferring the stress and early mornings and late nights over...nothing. a year of nothings, to be exact. i don't want to miss out on all that. then there's the fact that i don't want others to feel sorry for me either. but why shouldn't they when i can't even control myself from doing the same thing?

then there's the fact that i'm starting to think i'm meant to be single. don't ask why, please.

the worst part of all this is that i don't have anyone physically with me whom i can talk with. it's awful because i think i have been a supportive person to those who need it but i always find myself in situations where i don't have anyone. there's God of course. but i need someone to hug and cry to, someone who will completely understand even without me explaining everything. but it would be too weird to hug the cross hanging on the wall of my dorm room. it would just confirm my roommates' recent accusations of my being crazy.

so that's it. my time is almost up. just needed to let it all out. been doing a lot of that lately. i sure hope no one gets hurt in the process.

the brighter side: there always is. one, i watched Pirates, finally. and two, someone's willing to look at my shoe designs. hoorah. now, if only i had the time to compile them...

note to everyone: don't worry. i won't be stupid. you know me, smiley face, sad face, smiley face. i just don't want to be sad face too soon...

I’ve just finished reading “The Wedding”. It’s a really sweet novel. Although I’m not the type who’s HR 24 hours a day, I am for most parts of it. I guess I’d say I’m comedian-HR type. Okay. I don’t make sense. Haha. If you’re wondering why, ask me personally, “What the heck did you write on your journal (at said date)?”

Lesson learned: Be more patient and try to appreciate even the itsiest bitsiest things in life. Maybe some people don’t seem to make an effort towards you…but you could be wrong.

last minute

I haven’t written for quite some time now. I’ve been @ FIP almost everyday. I find that fashion is a black hole and the vortex is at One San Miguel Bldg…it sucks you in, regardless of whether you want it to or not. Aside from sewing, I have been preoccupied with TV, vanity, and sleep: things I can no longer afford now that the start of school is nearing once again. I have much to do. Aside from the most important which is to review and to prepare for school and dorm, I must also start my beginning acting classes, write my articles, make my jewelry, fix my wardrobe, and get some rest.

**I know. This seems unimportant. Well, maybe it is. Haha. But just wanted to let you know what shallow things have been going on in my mind.

tulips will be tulips

i haven't written in a while. it's just that in this society, the norms dictate that studying is more important than journal writing. and a part of me knows that to survive at all, you must also survive in the social world, even if that may require that the mountain will bend, not because the wind's howling necessitates it to do so, but because it must learn to sacrifice just so that the wind will spare it's inhabitants.

"what am i saying?", you ask. quite simply, i need to study and do well in school if i ever want to get to either one of the paths i am bent on taking. easier said than done, though....

by the way, they're growing :)

some quote

two of the hardest tests on the spiritual road: having the patience to wait for the right moment, and the courage not to be disappointed with what you encounter."

you're invited!

i just finished gluing my fingers off. aack! another semi oxymoron. is it my fault that i became even more crazy after making 116 pinning invitations? anyhoo, here's a quote from C.S. Lewis' The Magician's Nephew:

Oh Adam's sons. How cleverly you defend yourself against all that might do you good.

this surely applies to me in more ways than one. haaaay. again, must change.

Birthay blubbering

ok. i have to write this down before i fall asleep. though i sort of forgot what it was i was supposed to write about. what did i do, anyway? well, i went out with some STC friends and treated them to dinner since i just turned 18 a few days ago. honestly, i don't feel different. i don't look any different...or if i do, then the change was probably for the worse. i hate that nothing's happening to me, to my life. the things that've changed in me since high school are: i look older and more stressed out, i am less responsible but, ironically, more grade-conscious, and i am more oxymoronic than ever.

anyhoo, after dinner, chia and i went to Powerbooks Greenbelt. we sat in an aisle amidst minuscule shelves of kiddie lit and read Shel Silverstein books. i absolutely love them...if only i could afford though. oh well. The Missing Piece Meets The Big O is such a moving story. i personally think this literary work is about finding yourself, completing and loving yourself before someone else could. and there it goes! that hard-to-avoid topic frequently discussed by anything with a label FEMALE: the boyfriend issue and why i don't have one. i've thought of some reasons. don't pity me [or yourself] though. these are honest reasons. i'd like to clarify that i have no feelings of resentment or envy towards anyone with a boyfriend. two of my true friends have BFs [chia and ate cla]. here's the list.

1. i am not yet complete and haven't even found my own peace of mind.
2. i am not a "type"
3. i haven't met anyone whom i want to be in that kind of relationship with [sounds very grown-up, doesn't it?]
4. i am "couple's friend" material
5. Johnny Depp is still with Vanessa Paradis. haha

so there. i know there are more but, like i'd really tell the whole world those petty others. haha. kidding.

back to being "of age". i've asked a lot of people how they felt after turning 18 and, i'm not alone. we all haven't felt a significant change in our lives, unless you count getting a car or a wad of cash. for those who haven't turned 18 yet, or those who have but don't feel like adults yet, here's an insight which you can choose to take lightly or however you want to: it's the individual who makes the difference, not the number. want proof? look at Dakota Fanning in I Am Sam. but seriously. it doesn't matter if you're 17 or 53. what matters is that you take concrete steps to becoming whatever it is you want to be or achieving whatever it is you want to do. most people just place that transformation on 18 year olds because that's also the age when you can finally watch those racey movies or go clubbing. but i think that may be too early for a vast majority. perhaps that starts at the age of 18, for some. but most of us are too chicken to do that at an age when you're just starting to have "fun". because, supposedly, the thought of becoming an adult turns you into one. Self-fulfilling Prophecy. to end this, i will foretell my future. i have listed my goals in my journal and i declare that though i may not be as adult-ish as i want to be now, i will be a true adult...one day. for now, it's time to sleep.