overload

I have so much to write about. Aaaargh. Must schedule a daily journal-writing time. Kaso sobrang toxic e. I need the sleep. I sure hope I can keep track of the events and lessons in life. Keywords will do, for now…

Love parents. Be with someone who appreciates you. Do something you love. Live life to the fullest. Dance! Do your best. Organize. Time. Possible. Prioritize. Communicate. Stress. Doubts. Family. Choice. Enjoy.

Recent events: Nursecisissm and the spontaneous urge to watch “Step Up”

It’s finished. I haven’t written in a while so this may be confusing. My feelings have been ever-changing since the start of sem. They still are. But I have made a decision, however reluctantly. Yesterday morning, I dropped by the boarding house and left the twice-revised letter for him. My heart is still trying to pound its way through my ribcage. I’m still not sure if what I did was ultimately the best move. I keep wishing that, any time now, he’d contact me and ask for another chance, promising not to screw it up for the nth time. Silence. Nothing. The only messages I have received this morning were about the Hum report and N119 stuff. Maybe it is for the best. I’m tired of fantasizing…tired of forcing my ideals on him. It’s just that…I’m also not that ready to let go just yet. Not that there’s anything to hold on to anyway. It’s the worst feeling ever. Just when you’ve finally accepted that you love someone, you realize that you aren’t meant for each other. You realize that forcing it would hurt you both and exhaust all your energies. You try to see if you can put up with it, like any martyr HR. Okay, it hurts. So you do the rational thing and do it before it’s too late. It still hurts. And then you realize…it’s always too late.

The only time I stop thinking about these are the times I think that maybe it doesn’t matter to him. Maybe it was his way of saying he’s no longer interested. Then it hurts for the 3rd time. Ouch.

I just want to talk. What do I expect will come out of it? I have absolutely no idea. What do I wish will come out of it? It’s pathetic, I know…I, too, want the 2nd chance.

I shouldn’t fool myself though. The chances of that happening are less than zero. So now, I am in depression mode. How the hell will I get over? I barely have the energy to eat, stay awake, and study. No, I don’t feel suicidal. I just don’t feel happy either. And unfortunately, that is my fuel. I’m running out…

Cold shoulder

Weirdly enough..it’s back to nothing. Brrr. Anybody got a heater?