SJ

isn't it funny how when you're waist-deep in troubles or everything in your life seems like shit, there's always one thing that manages to cheer you up? it can be a person, a certain song, a perfect memory, the view outside your window...

eleven days

there are only 11 days til this year ends and another one begins.  11 days!!! 353 1/2 days have gone by completely, and pretty quick too;  i'm sure the next handful will be like a whirlwind that sweeps us off our feet and leaves us in a tangled daze afterwards.  i have eleven days to make sure i look back at his year with a fond smile instead of bitter regrets.

it's funny how the things that happened at the start and during the middle of the year do not seem to be as significant as those that happened only recentl or are about to happen soon.  whis is that so?  why is there an immense amount of importance and meaning attached to how things end?  maybe it's the idea of being given second chances.  maybe it's because it's at the end that our hoping pays off and our faithfulness is rewarded.  maybe it's about rising above the situations faced, no matter how wretched.  maybe it's about being saved.

i have eleven days to make sure that when i talk of this particular year, i can be honest in saying that it was good.  indeed, for the most part, it has been.  i know that my struggles at work have been particularly prominent these last few months and, as such, i tend to believe that has been all hardships all this time.  but that isn't really so...

first, i have gone a few steps further in the pursuit of my calling--faced the truth, taken a class, networked, researched, poured my heart out, did a couple of small projects and vaguely landed myself in some more for the coming year.  there's also the prospect of studying again.  heck, i even (sort of) told my parents!!  and almost all this in the 2nd half of the year alone.

second, i'm slowly starting to realign my life, to focus on the essentials, as opposed to the shiny ornamentations that so many of us have become distracted with.  i'm learning not to rely so much on things to bring me joy, but to find true contentment in every moment regardless of what i have or where i am.

then there's the fact that i'm really learning to open up to more people, as well as try to preserve and deepen the existing relationships i have.  i've rediscovered friends and made new ones from acquaintances and that has been a great source of comfort this past year.  i'm even trying to be much more loving towards my own family, and to open up my heart to them more (even if it means terrible, uncomfortable moments).  and of course, there's You, whom i do try to approach and be intimate with, even if i am unworthy.   i know that i want to please You, be good for You, and accomplish the mission You set out for me to do.

now that i think about it, i don't need eleven days to make this year magical--it already is.  but i do have eleven days to thank the Lord for this year.  eleven days to keep trying to remember the essence of life and love on earth--that i may never forget it in the coming years.

we all have eleven days ;)

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

not against other people, but against wrongs.

grasp, gentle yet firm

15th day of December, year 2010

remember this day.

blind

though i be blinded by tears,
i walk the paith straight,
for it is my faith that leads the way.

Secretariat

Secretariat is the greatest racehorse who ever lived--he had both speed and endurance, and he really went the distance.  just watched this movie last Sunday, although i think i like Seabiscuit's story better :)


i'm usually an optimistic person.  but lately i've been really down in the dumps and have had extreme difficulty trying to find the good in certain situations.  for instance, i am literally swamped with work right now.  i'm not even looking forward to the Christmas season as much because i know that i'll end up working during most of it, same as last year.

an unrealistic amount of work has been assigned to us and i am frustrated because this whole cramming situation could have been avoided had some people higher up had the sense to manage their time properly.  i'm also upset because many of my suggestions have been shunned, even though my co-workers and i believe that some of these would really be helpful, especially considering the tight spot we're in at the moment.  i feel like we aren't only overworked and taken for granted, we're also undervalued and underappreciated.  and that really pisses me off more than anything.  yet here i am.

currently i have a very limited pool of motivations that keep me working and prevent me from going awol.  1 is You, of course.  i don't want to give You a bad name. 2nd is i don't want to cause additional hardships for my coworkers and yes, even my bosses, although the despicable me sometimes thinks it would serve them right.  3rd i hate quitting, especially when i'm so close to the finish line.  4th i need a recommendation letter for grad school (my selfish reason).

i know there MUST be something to be learned from all this.  and i do hope i get the lesson the first time, so i can avoid this situation altogether in the future.

please help me find the strength to keep on running this race.

wow

so this is how busy i've been. i didn't even rant online for half a month! hahahah.
never ever try to cram a year's worth of activities in a quarter.  you'll get a year's worth of illnesses too X_X

anyway, i was just marvelling at the power that love has.  i was doing some calls for work a while ago and was advised to write to the director of this company and, surprise surprise! they share the same name.  just hearing that word, even if it's not the same person, makes me smile from ear to ear.

wait, did i say love? hmmmm....

why?!

did you know that men benefit from marriage more than women do?

and yet women are still crazy enough to get into this whole thing.  that really means something, doesn't it?

in other news:

i want to do a berber so bad! SOS. my boss semi-reprimanded me and my co-worker for not answering her text messages yesterday (Sunday).  first, i didn't do that on purpose; i just hadn't realized that my work phone died on me already and only got to charge it late at night.  second, it's a freakin Sunday and we had absolutely no agreement whatsoever that i would be asked to work on a weekend so it shouldn't have mattered anyway, right?  i can't answer to their every beck and call. third, this isn't the project that i'm supposed to be working on and the project that did hire me hasn't paid me for over a month now.  now tell me, am i still obliged to work as a research slave here? technically speaking, am i allowed to break my contract, given that they aren't sticking to their side of it either? opinions most welcome :D

sorry for the ranting.

i think doing something just to get over with it is perhaps the worst way to waste one's time.  you're much beter off daydreaming about siberian huskies and golden retrievers, or singing along to a karaoke machine, or even clipping your nails.  at least they're much more satisying. or useful.

i don't know how i'm supposed to keep going, especially when the only motivation i have for working is so that i can finish it and get out of this situation asap.  i know i should still do my best--i gave my word and breaking it would wreak havoc (is this an exaggeration?) on my boss, colleagues, and the project.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..."  --Colossians 3:23

rebel heart

this sounds like a good song to walk down the aisle to...

ambisyosa ba ko?!?! hahah. blame it on the wedding planning, as well as a series of chats with a friend about love and our ideals.

Erik Erikson was right.

sinusuyod ang laro

i have developed a recent LSS with Imago's Sundo and, even though i have been told countless times how very high school it is, i will admit that i can relate...

last Sunday, during Halloween Karaoke night with some friends, the issue of the game came up.  and i realized, i don't want to play the game or have anything to do with it, even if it's practically a norm now.  that's just not how i want to do things. 

sometimes we have to be adults.

slowly, steadily, surely

"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will sure come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3 (LB)

these days, there are two main things that occupy the space between my ears--love and dreams. nary a day goes by that i do not fret about either one of these. i am approximately twenty two years, 9 months, 14 days, and 18 hours old as of this writing, yet i feel as if a better person could have managed to travel farther down the road had she been in my stead. sometimes i wonder if the blame may be placed on me and my human inadequacies. perhaps i am not nearly as lovable as the rest of them; the combination of my character, my history, my environment does not make for a desirable lass. or perhaps i am much more asinine than i think myself to be, and the mistakes that i make as a consequence of such prevent me from landing my rear end on greener pastures or in the arms of Prince Charming or even the hind legs of the Frog Prince, at the very least. perhaps i am overreaching and think too much of myself and my capabilities, when i really have no proof of my talents, no commendation of any sort. maybe i am schizophrenic, and what i perceive to be God's plan and mission for me are, in truth, just delusions of grandeur. and so i walk in unease; i despair.

but this verse gives me hope. not just hope that i am not a lunatic, but hope that God's promise will come true for each and every one of us, including myself. hope and faith that everything is exactly where it ought be, and i am, even now amidst the confusion and difficulties, in the place where i am meant to be for the moment. and i believe that, slowly, steadily, surely, His plans and promises for me will come to pass.

here we go again

when are you gonna get it through your thick skull, silly little girl?! let's get real please.
hmm...how are we supposed to deal with this tortured situation?

distractions?
avoidance?
denial?
masochism?

i think the first two might be the better options, but i have the sinking feeling that i'll end up with the last no matter what i say or do anyway. haaaay. pray pray pray.

from the inside out

it's been a while, huh?  i guess i've just been preoccupied (not necessarily with the noblest of things, mind you).

anyway, i just wanted to share this years old song with you (even though most of you are probably already familiar with it).  from the very first notes, this song always has me kneeling on the ground.  it is as if every eighth slowly creeps into my veins, until my soul is full of His presence.  

i hope you also have that one thing that manages to reach and move your very core, even the most frozen of all your insides, the most putrid of all your dark secrets, the most sorrowful of all your cold tears.  and i hope that thing or person breathes life back into you, restores you to your inherent glory.

pseudo fall

oh!
how lovely
the many leaves
falling flying floating freely
slowly quickly then quickly slowly
twirling like in a dance gaily

/

is it weird to want someone to tell you if they're busy and can't respond to you immediately, as opposed to having to check your phone every now and then, eagerly anticipating a message that might not even arrive?

i was just wondering.  'cause i think i might prefer the former option, but maybe it sounds too weird and OC to other people.  but that's me--weird and OC. what can i do?

i just don't like waiting.  i guess i really need to learn to be more patient and understanding. haaay!

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act..."  -Psalm 37:7

here we go

i chanced upon a friend's blog a while ago and this verse greeted me:

"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast." --Ephesians 2:8-9 (NASB)

he was recalling a specific talk in an event two years ago (the post was also written at that time), and it made me realize how i should really learn to be grateful everyday for what i have and who i am and what i can and can't do.  many times, there is a tendency to try to take matters into my own hands (which is not wholly a bad thing) and getting carried away in the process.  i forget that, in my 22 years of life, not once has doing so incredibly altered my life or that of others for good.  if i have ever done anything worthwhile in my time, it is only because of Him who willed it, He who gave me both the opportunity and the ability to carry it out, however undeserving i am.

the past months, i have been largely preoccupied with career issues and chasing down my dreams of glory and immortality.  not really for money or fame or admiration--no, not anymore.  i just wanted to accomplish something in this lifetime, you know? to have been of some good use during my time on earth.  this longing has consumed me, but not in an entirely positive manner.  i feel that, at times, i have been oblivious to the people and things and events around me, those that truly matter although might not necessarily be directly instrumental in achieving the big dreams and plans i have for saving the world.  i fret too much and fear that, when i pass away, i would have done no one any good.  but now i realize that i have been worrying ceaselessly about things that are beyond my control.  i must not demand nor expect that my frail body, my vacuous mind, and my flawed heart will change the world.  i can only hope and try my best to do what good i can, bearing in mind that whatever little or plenty is accomplished is done so with His grace.

"Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you.  Before you were born, I set you apart for a special work." --Jeremiah 1:5

the first verse will serve to ground in humility, the second to empower.

nevertheless perfect

i was writing in my journal just now, counting the leaves remaining (only 16 left!) until i would have to switch to a new one.  i anticipate that day with both excitement and apprehension.  the former because, well, naturally! haha.  i'm excited because whenever i write in my journal, it usually signifies a strong emotion or insight or idea and, reardless of the mood of the entry, it's still something to be grateful for.  it means i'm alive and i still have the energy to write about all these things, to remind myself later on.  although, at times, the absence of entries can also be a good thing.  i recall moments when i've just been so overwhelmed with activities and what-have-you's (both in a positive and negative sense), that i haven't had the time to write about them.  there is also a slight feeling of apprehension.  right now, it's mainly because i love my golden (literally) journal so much and i know that when the pages are filled, i'll be switching to a simpler, green one.  the latter is a gift from a really good friend, and i really appreciate his gesture.  but the former, a present from my eldest sister last Christmas, just makes me smile every time i take it out of my bag.  it's really a shallow reason but, hey, i'm allowed to be superficial once in a while, right?

while counting the remaining pages, i chanced upon older entries in my journal as well.  sometimes, i like to do a random flip and read whatever is written on that page.  if i like what i read, i'll keep going.  this time, i read my entries from late June 2010 to early July.  they were all so bright and hopeful and positive.  July 8 was even described as a perfect day.  I couldn't help comparing such to my more recent entries, some of which are abundantly peppered with heavy sighs and complaints and uncertain endings. so, i've decided to do something about it.

i declare: this day, and every day hence, will be a perfect day.

valley

haaay. today, i hate you. well, i don't HATE you. but i can't concentrate right now, and i feel it's because of you.  yes, i'm blaming you hahaha.  i know, i know, it's really my own fault.

haay, Lord. SOS.  there's nothing i can do about that right now, it's wholly up to You.  if it's not in Your plan to do something about it now, please help me focus on what can be done at the moment instead.  like my work, for instance.  or the character profile i'm supposed to be developing.  or the book i'm supposed to be editing. or the million other things i planned on accomplishing before i got distracted by all the butterflies fluttering in the room.

a simple wish

i was writing for my other blog when i suddenly realized that there's something i really want to do now, more than anything else in the world, and that is this:


Abbie Cornish as Fanny Brawne in BrightStar

i want this more than anything right now, seriously.  i'd trade all my 2010 Christmas presents for a day spent lying on a beautiful bed of flowers, with a canopy of trees above my head. yes, i would love that very much.  anybody know where i can find a place like this in the country (better if in Luzon or even Metro Manila)?  i'd settle for different flowers, or even fresh green grass.  i would just like some peace right now, and time to breathe and rest and think and pray and appreciate the beauty of this world.

nearness

"Where can I run from Your love?"

The song is my inspiration for today.  I hit quite a high the last two weeks that I was bound to return to my bipolar roots one of these days.  Of course, I’m still trying to keep in mind the lessons and realizations and emotions that made me feel so great in the first place, but I cannot really control what happens around me—I can only try to control myself, and even that doesn’t work according to plan most of the time.  Today, for instance, I’m back on the ground and find that I still have to face the same issues that I have been contending with the past few months.  I have a dispassionate relationship with my work and my word is keeping me hostage here.  I have a love-hate relationship with my family.  I am burdened with insecurities and inadequacies.  I am a prisoner of this dark, deeply troubled world.  And though I am so blessed with people who sincerely care for me, I still cannot help feel lonely at one point or another.

Yet, in spite of all this, I have the grace and strength to stay positive.  It's because of You.  No matter what happens, I know You are right beside me.  If I have problems with my relationships, You're always there to hold me tight.  If I feel as if I can no longer stomach the tasks at hand, You cheer me on and find ways to make it worth my while.  When I feel so insufficient, You give me so much, that I may have more than what I need.  When I'm scared and lost, You light the way for me.  When I cannot stand being with myself, You remind me of who I truly am.  You're always here, always near.

60 hours of waiting

was i wrong to do that?  i certainly hope not. 

i think the coming weeks will certainly be an exercise in patience and self-control and faith.

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strenght; they shall mount up with wings like eagles.  They shall run and not be wear.  They shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

Romans 5:5

"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint."

patience, dear.

milestone (and a red box with a puppy on top and letters inside)

thursday all day, while at the BON Nursing Roadmap meeting
friday night, while having Korean dinner with jill, dianne, kara, chen, ginny
saturday super early morning, when i got home
saturday night
sunday morning, noon, and night

i'm sure this doesn't make sense to any of you (indeed if there are any of you reading this), but that's just how i like it.  i just felt the need to shout it out without really explaining what i'm saying.  it's between me and myself.  just help me pray for this, please, whatever it is or isn't :D

hella good

i had a great week and i sure hope this coming one surpasses it! not much has changed, to be honest. but i'm feeling more positive. i'm trying to look at where i am now through a different perspective. i'm trying to go out of my way to spend more quality time with my loved ones, and even get to know people whom i never really cared to hang out with much before. i'm resurrecting my mission to try to bring even a bit of goodness to every interaction. i'm trying to focus on what's really essential in life, and shake off all those worldly distractions.

this generation is so preoccupied with achievements, with results--and i'm no exception. but, thanks to a conversation with a super new friend, i realized that all i really want to accomplish in my life is be at peace with the people i love, and to try to do something good for the universe, even if it were so inconsiderable that no one would know. that's it. i've been trying to live that way the past few days and i always end up quite content when the day ends and i rest my head on my pillow. mind you, there've been some minor slips too, but nothing unforgivable or immensely terrible. it seems i just needed reminding that You are all that matters.

some sort of encouragement

"Writing is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as the headlights, but you make the whole trip that way." -E.L. Doctorow, writer (b. 1931)

the plunge

a while ago, i was chatting with my sister about the recent events back at home, when our conversation inadvertently led to a discussion about our future career plans.  my sister is making quite a living as a CPA in the Caribbean but plans to return to her big love--culinary arts--mid-2011.  i'm sure that although she finds auditing interesting, nothing beats cooking and eating in her book, and i think it's only natural for her to finally yield to the desires of her heart, especially now that she's much much more financially stable. 

i, on the other hand, find myself at a forked road.  indeed, for years now, i have merely stood at the bifurcation, torn between the various and incredibly opposing choices towering over me.  i have gone only as far as taking a few steps down one road, only to run back to the middle and try the other one, before going back again.  i have been shuffling, yes, and now find that all my efforts and energy was ill-spent, since i am more or less still at the place where i was before.

i don't know if i'm surprised to find that i am still afraid, to be honest.  even after so many debates and pep talks, tears and prayers and unbearably uncomfortable moments, i still keep looking back--i still can't let go.  or maybe i've chosen the road to take after all, and it has led shortly to a cliff that i must jump off of.  gruesome images of my head hitting the rocks, of drowning, of sharks gnawing my bony limbs enter my mind. so maybe i'll crawl towards the edge first, then just contentedly sit there and dangle my legs.  i desensitize myself to that feeling of not having any ground under one's feet, trying to enjoy being in between two worlds at one moment.  i lie down, feet still dangling over the cliff, and i savor how the jagged rocks cut through my back, how the sky looks as the clouds and the light play with each other, how the air cools my skin, and how the sun warms my face and blinds my eyes.  i listen to nothing, then to everything--to the sound of giant waves crashing against solid rock; to the flock of birds that pass by above; to the calming wind;  and to my own deep breaths. 

i stay here for some time--for as long as i need to.  i stay here until i cannot stand it any longer.  then, i get up.  i turn 360 degrees, trying to take in everything.  i scuffle slowly, slowly, carefully, towards the edge.  i utter a quick, urgent prayer.  i take a huge breath.  and then...

i take the plunge.

PS - if i were ever brave enough to jump of a real cliff and not merely a metaphorical one (although there is nothing mere about even a metaphorical cliff, when you think about it), this seems like a lovely choice, don't you agree? mind you, i'd have to travel all the way to Ireland just to do so.  maybe there are more feasible options in Batanes or Palawan :)

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland

purposes vs. problems

what can i do for you? how can i please you?

real vs. ideal

i'm currently debating with myself whether to stay 22 1/2 years old or not.  and no, i am not referring to the use of botox and a gazillion wrinkle creams to achieve this.  it's just that i've been seeing more and more examples of how most adults deal with their lives and all sorts of situations, and i don't want in on any of the pretentiousness, and hypocrisy, and suppression of emotions and thoughts, and acting in a way that is easier or more acceptable as opposed to how you truly want to or should.  but now that i think of it, 22 is probably not the best age either. i mean, i'm still so confused with my life and, sad to say, actually quite helpless to deal with situations at times. well, not helpless, just afraid to act probably.  i think i'm turning into a real adult in that sense.

what makes an adult real? and what makes him ideal?  my absolute favorite ideal adult character in literature has got to be either the dad in To Kill A Mockingbird or even Dumbledore in Harry Potter. hahahahah. but seriously.  they are my gold standard.  and what i love about these two is that, even though they are fictional and the latter is even a homosexual wizard, they still seem quite real.  like, they're not ridiculously or impossibly kind-hearted, moral, and level-headed; it just seems so at times cause we've been accustomed to the adult figures we have in real life.

a couple of nights ago, i realized how thankful i was, nonetheless, that most of the adults in my life were not exactly up to par with Dumbledore.  it made me see how badly i wanted to avoid being like that--and now i have a renewed determination to live my life with integrity, and according to the beliefs and values i cherish.  it's no easy feat, for sure.  i fail at even the smallest tests of character, frustratingly enough.  but i figured, i don't want to stop trying.  i think that's the only difference between real adults and ideal ones.  it's not that the latter is innately better than the former--they are just relentless in their attempts of being better than who they are now.  and that's what i want to devote my life to trying to accomplish.

***i've got a ton of decisions to make right now.  as some of you may know, i've been seriously considering leaving my job--that is, if my boss will let me (gotta dig out that pseudo contract). anyway, there are so many factors to consider, my mind is just about to explode! and after a minor breakdown last tuesday, i still am in no better position to deal with the situation. gaaaah. SOS

DISCLAIMER

if you ever chance upon this blog, i must warn you now before you read anything else.  this can get really mushy.  i like to document random thoughts, emotions, insights, etc here, usually at the heat of the moment.  so please excuse the excessive amounts of drama and corniness that ensues.  read at your own risk. and remember, you do it out of your own volition.

whatever

i'm quite stressed and exhausted right now--and i don't think it's just because of last weekend's back-to-back physical activities (Hwa Rang Do on Saturday, 3k run on Sunday).  i think work is getting to me again.  you know how some people say that they love their work so much that they'd do it even if they didn't get paid? well, i haven't been paid in more than a month and am feeling very grouchy these days, which may mean that i don't love my work.  it's not the pay, really, although that helps.  the only real reason i'm here is because i made a deal with my boss that i'd see the project through--she's an amazing person and i don't want to make things difficult for her any more than they need to be.  even if i'm screaming inside.  maybe it's selfish of me to be thinking of what i want and how i feel but, i figured, my not wanting to be here isn't good for anybody.  obviously it sucks for me.  but it also doesn't bring any benefits for the project or my boss--i feel like it's a lose-lose situation because they're not getting the utmost quality of work out of me either.

health policy research, like nursing, is an admirable and noble career.  but maybe i'm just not meant to be admirable or noble.  and no matter how many lives are improved and saved because of these fields, that doesn't change the fact that i have neither the passion nor the skill for it.  i'd love to promote and advocate for the same causes (and more)--but i want to do it my way.

research is mostly about numbers and volumes--it's about the facts.  yes there's still the qualitative type, but somehow i feel that it can't be personal.  it has to be wholly unbiased, empirical.  but me being egocentric and all, i can't avoid giving my own two cents' worth.  maybe not explicitly, but it has to be there.  and i can't be impersonal.  that just isn't who i am.  i don't want to follow a rigid set of rules to come up with a solution--i want to find my own way of doing things.  i guess that's why i'm unhappy with what i'm doing now...i feel like i'm in a cage.  and nobody can say that it's fun to be in one, even if it's all sparkly and comfy and has everything you need.  you still want to get out of there. 

i want to get out of here.

debate

CHASING PAVEMENTS

I've made up my mind
No need to think it over
If I'm wrong I ain't right
No need to look no further
This ain't lust
This is love but

If I tell the world
I'll never say enough
Because it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I'm in love with you

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I'd build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?



**this is a few years old.  i've always really liked this song but never gave a thought to what it meant.  then i started singing it in my head a while ago and started to realize that this is how i'm feeling at the very moment.  i feel like this right now towards two aspects of my life. i really need to shake this off.

midnight at Krispy Kreme

it is midnight and i am waiting for my dad to pick me up at Gateway.  just finished yet another rehearsal for Saturday's Pintigan workshop recital.  i think i've been so preoccupied and stressed with this whole dream thing that it is entirely possible and probable that i've lost sight of my real mission in life.  no, it isn't to act, be on stage or at the center of everyone's attention.  it's not to become admired by the public nor to earn a ridiculously huge amount of money that can be used to supplement the many needs of my anemic wardrobe and personal desk at home.

why am i doing this?

i want to tell stories.  and not just to the people i know, but to the people who need to hear them.  i want to write.  i want to inhabit and portray all the exquisite human beings out there.  i want to dance.  i want to sing.  i want to create films and art and great literature.  anything!!! i just want to reach out to Your people, to my brothers and sisters.  i want to share Your love and message of salvation.  that is why i am doing this.

but to achieve that, i need to study and keep learning and practicing, as i am trying to do so now.  yesterday, a cry of desperation escaped from my throat, because there were so many criticisms and i felt slightly as if i weren't good enough for this, that i didn't have what it takes and had better figure out a different way to achieve my goal.  the day before, i somehow internally blamed my parents for my extreme self-consciousness and low self-esteem and, though there may be a point to the argument, i know better now.  i know that it is entirely up to me to take the steps to address this problem.  i need to truly believe that God's sufficiency allows me to be self-sufficient as well.  "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."  if i don't, then the blame for continuing to reside in the shadow will rest wholly on me.

You are what enables me to do anything and everything.  and it is also for You that i want to do these things.

wait a sec!

i know, i know.  a complete lack of significant posts the past weeks. i'm sorry! i'm telling you, i have tons to share.  i've written 'em all down on my diary--i just haven't had the chance to type them yet. boohoo.  it's just that i've been so preoccupied lately, and admittedly, with things that aren't all good.  but this week, i'm gonna be up to my neck with all the practices for my workshop recital so no can do.  so, if anyone bothers to read this blog, please don't go away! haha.

hello God

can you hear me? i really miss you.  i wish i could just feel again the magnitude of your love, feel in my very bones the truth that it alone is all i need.  because at this moment, it is but my faith that keeps me from letting go;  my emotions are trying to deceive me into thinking otherwise.  i am lonely. or alone.  i don't know the difference anymore.  it is as if sorrow is seeping into the spaces in my body where blood and fluid should be.  i sometimes feel like giving up.  i am in the blackest of tunnels and it feels like there is no end in sight.  i am almost losing hope that i shall ever get a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, if ever there is one at all.

my family is messed up but none of s either know how to fix things or is willing to go through hell for trying.  i am starting to doubt if the career i'd like to pursue, the career i think you want for me, is really what i should be working for, if only because i'm not showing much progress nor potential at the moment.  and i still see no prospect of meeting someone i can spend my life with.  to make things worse, i am unable to share your word and carry out my daily mission effectively.

i feel like i have made a garbage dump of things, somehow.  and i don't know if i can clean it up or, indeed, if anyone can.  can You? would You please?

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

graying

i had a great time at the Fresh party last night.  i really enjoyed seeing all the friends i made in YFC Campus, especially since i hadn't gone to any of the meetings and other events in a long time.  however, it did get me thinking that perhaps i was getting too old for this.  not for God, of course not.  not for sharing His word. not for forming deep relationships with other people. just for doing so in this medium, i guess.  the party, the music, the dancing, the prizes, the grandness of it all.i don't know why but it almost seemed impersonal.  or perhaps that was just me.  maybe that was further emphasized by the fact that i hardly knew anyone there anymore.  working in YFC requires really getting to know and even being intimate with so many people.  i enjoy that but i've never been the best at it.  sometimes i feel i do them an injustice by being the way i am--i forget names easily and take some time before i can really warm up to others.  there's the rare person whom i immediately form a connection with, but sometimes, i just have difficulty getting it going.

i love You, Lord, You know that.  and there is absolutely nothing i love more than doing my best to obey Your will and share Your love with other people.  right now, i'm just confused with how best to do that.  i hope You can help me figure it out.

phew!! (finally, a more serious post)

the last three weeks has just been an incredible whirlwind of events and emotions--i'm still reeling from it all, albeit in a good way.  i'm so happy!  i don't quite know where to start because there is just so much that has happened.  all i know is, i'm so grateful to You, Lord.  i know that regardless of whether incredible things are happening in my life or not, i should be thankful--and i am.  i have You.  i have more than anything i could possibly need.  i have Your love and the love of the people around me.

these days i feel as if You're especially encouraging me.  i hope my instinct is right. there are days when i am really tired, and there are plenty of awkward and difficult moments these past weeks as well.  but i like to think that i did what i could to make You proud of me, and so i can somehow be of service to You, however minutely or indirectly.  i feel that it would be a disservice to not maximize every ounce of what You have given me to use for the greater good.  enough isn't enough anymore.  i have to exhaust myself for You.  and that is what i want to do and am trying to do.  i know You'll always be with me, You'll always guide me and drive me to do what is right.  and i hope that i may always have Your grace and Spirit to enable me to obey your wise words at all times as well.

this is my inspiration these last few weeks:
"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint."  --Romans 5:5

you're ruining me

yesterday, i was blissful, hopeful.  today, i'm ruined--my heart is broken before anything even started.  ok, it's an overreaction but you know that feeling when you finally decide on buying this super awesome but expensive piece of whatever only to find out it isn't available anymore? well, it's sort of like that.

see, i developed a crush last tuesday--a real crush on a real person who actually knows i exist. ahem, johnny depp.  it's the first time this has happened in a looooooong time.  but i just found out now that he's taken.  i guess i suspected it but hoped for the best nonetheless.  but i shouldn't have.  a guy like that, surely a girl would've recognized him for what he's worth.

i don't know what to do, Lord.  this happens just when i'm coming to the realization that i need to be more open, take risks, not be so frightened about getting my heart broken and having to share who i really am with someone.  i guess i can only hope and pray, and just try to be who you want me to be, regardless of my relationship status.  but i do pray, with all the fervor i can muster, that if and when you do bring that person into my life, i would love him as much as a woman could ever love a man.

NaBloPoMo - 6/8

i'm a bit late in posting this bt i really wanted to answer the question.

You've just been given a million dollars. You are not allowed to keep it or give it to anyone you know personally. What do you do with it and why?


hmm, this is a toughie--i can think of so much i want to do (or buy) with a million bucks.  but in case this would be my first and last million dollars evah, i'd want to use it in the best way possible.
 
i have a dream.  and my dream is that everyone can pursue their dreams regardless of their physical traits or social backgrounds.  so, i'd probably launch some sort of foundation that provides grants to deserving, hard-working, pure-intentioned applicants. it's kind of like a scholarship program/support network for anyone who needs some assistance in pursuing their dreams.
 
and to ensure that the funds keep coming, the awardees of these grants will be asked to contribute to the foundation as well.  naturally, there will also be a social arm wherein the members of this community try to pass on their talents, especially to the less fortunate, and so on.  so it's a community of dreamers and believers! i'm excited already.  when do i get my $ 1,000,000.00???

the right side part

having nothing to do at work today (for the nth day in a row, mind you), i spent a good part of it just aimlessly looking at the articles on Yahoo, as well as reading my gazillion emails, most of which are newsletters from various style sites.  i chanced upon several articles on Elle about short hairstyles.  naturally, this interested me, especially since i've been sporting the pixie for 2 months now.

i read about a real woman's experience on how her short hairstyle affected her relationships, as well as dating statistics (less people hit on her but now she's finally dating a guy who likes her hair and still loves her regardless of her hairstyle), different short hairstyles to try (ranging from the buzz cut to wavy bobs), and how your hairstyle affects others' perception of you (hair color, maintenance level, length, side part).

the article that caught my attention the most was the last, probably because the author dropped bits of statistics and historical information while discussing how your hairstyle is affecting your career--nothing like entertainment and education rolled into one happy, stylish package!  i especially enjoyed the part where she discussed what the side part tells about a person.  apparently, a left side part is linked to left-brained activities (logic, problem-solving), while having a right side part drew unconscious attention to activities controlled by the right hemisphere of the brain (artistic skills, non-linear thinking).  only 3 of the past American Presidents had a right side part, while “The best writers, eggheads, and artists tend to part their hair on the right”.

just before i started typing this on my desktop, my hair was parted on the left side.  i've been styling it like that since i got my short haircut because that's what gives me the full bangs ala Carey Mulligan or Michelle Williams.  see, my hairdresser, the lovely old woman, didn't quite get the cut that i wanted so i tried to figure out a low-cost remedy, hence, a switching of side parts.  curiously enough, however, and it is only upon reading the said article that i found this bit curious, smy hairdresser pointed out to me that my puyo was located at the right side of my forehead, which was why she had to go with my natural RIGHT side part.

it probably doesn't mean much to you, dear reader (if there is indeed someone reading this blog), but this is yet another tiny and weird affirmation of my calling.  i have a natural right side part! never mind that i'm not left-handed though. what i'm trying to say is, THIS is really what i'm supposed to be doing: i feel it in my bones, in my skin, in my heart, in my very being.  i know it from what i've learned about God, and i feel it when i converse with Him.  and now, my side part has confirmed it. hahahahaha.

Freedom

so it's National Blog Posting Month and, thanks to Keet, as well as a massive dose of boredom and a lack of things to do here at the office (weird, right?), i'll try to follow the writing prompts from the site.

today's task: define freedom

Freedom is when you have the luxury to do absolutely anything, but only choose to do that which is right by you.  It's when you acknowledge the presence of so many variables in the equation without letting yourself get carried away unnecessarily by any one of them.

COURAGE (working title)

the beauty in uncertainty
is neither the thrill nor the excitement of it
rather, it is in the act
of giving yourself completely
it is in the feeling of being
both brave and cowardly
it is not uncertainty itself
but the vulnerability
that is man


**this is my first stab at writing poems in almost a decade, i think.  i was inspired by my current situations, and a bit from watching the film BrightStar, which is about the poet John Keats

Jung Test reslts

Extroverted (E) 69.7% vs. Introverted (I) Intuitive (N) 52.5% vs. Sensing (S) Feeling (F) 58.82% vs. Thinking (T) Judging (J) 51.61%  vs. Perceiving (P)

Your type is: ENFJ

ENFJ - "Persuader". Outstanding leader of groups. Can be aggressive at helping others to be the best that they can be. 2.5% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

ENFJ outgoing, social, attention seeking, emotional, loving, organized, comfortable around others, involved, open, hyperactive, complimentary, punctual, considerate, altruistic, easily hurt, religious, neat, content, positive, affectionate, image conscious, good at getting people to have fun, easily excited, perfectionist, assertive, ambitious, leader, hard working, seductive, touchy, group oriented, anti-tattoos

*the descriptions listed here are made up of personality items. people who scored high on this type scored higher on the above items compared to the average.

favored careers: casting directory, film critic, wedding planner, work in the performing arts, teacher (art, preschool, elementary), actor, fashion designer, news anchor, fashion merchandisier, school psychologist, broadcaster, stylist, interior designer, event coordinator, restarant owner, childcare worker, hair stylist, film director, counselor, dancer

disfavored careers: race car driver, scientist, computer specialist, airline pilot, computer programmer, financial manager, epidemiologist, truck driver, electrical engineer, software designer, web designer, business consultant, dj, bookseller

from the depths

i've been stressing and doubting and downing myself lately. but now i realize that God is and will forvermore be with me at all times.  His words, His hands reach out to me from everywhere, literally, and through every channel.

the following is taken from the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional last May 28, 2010

God often lets problems become impossibilities

by Rick Warren

"At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (PH)


When the pursuit of your dream deteriorates from difficult to impossible; when the situation looks hopeless, congratulations! You're in good company.

Even Paul went through dead ends: "At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8-9 PH)

If God can raise people physically, he can raise people who are dead emotionally. He can raise a dead marriage. He can resurrect a dead career. He can resurrect you from a health problem. If God can raise the dead, he can do anything.

In Abraham's situation, God said, "I want you to become the father of a nation," but then Abraham had to wait until he was ninety-nine years old before he had his first child. The Bible shows Abraham's situation going from difficult to impossible. He looks at his body and says, "No way!" Then he looks at his wife and says, "Double no way!"

But Sarah got pregnant and they laughed about it. When the baby was born, they named him Isaac, which means laughter.

God often lets problems become impossibilities. The disciples planned to follow Jesus. They thought he was the Messiah, but then the next thing they know Jesus is hanging on the cross, dying. Was this a dead end for the disciples? For three days it seemed that way, but then Jesus walked out of the tomb.

When you face a dead end, you may start asking, "What's going on, God? Did I miss your will? Your plan? Have I missed your vision?" Keep in mind that dead ends are part of God's plan for you.

What's the best response to a dead end? "He has delivered us from such a terrible death, and He will deliver us; we have placed our hope in Him that He will deliver us again." (2 Corinthians 1:10 HCSB)

live your dreams, kat

no matter what.  that's what He would want for you and for the life He gave you.

Solid Scripture for Dark Days

*i'm reposting from this site

Many Christians today struggle to find comfort and peace in the midst of a world full of pain, suffering, confusion, turmoil and sin. At times it can seem as if there is no hope or that God has seemingly turned His back upon His children. This could not be farther from the truth. Throughout Scripture, particularly the Psalms, God speaks His eternal Word of encouragement and peace into the midst of troublesome situations, granting the assurance only He can give. The following Bible verses should be on the memorization list of every Christian and should be said aloud in the midst of life's darkest moments.

1.Rescue from Persecution. "I come to You for protection, O Lord, my God. Save me from my persecutors-rescue me!" Psalm 7:1 (nlt)

2.God is my Strength. "I love you, Lord, You are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior. My God is my rock in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me and my place of safety. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and He saved me from my enemies." Psalm 18:1-3 (nlt)

3.God is close to the Brokenhearted. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He recues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (nlt)

4.God Has a Plan for your Life. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, they are plans for good, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (nlt)

5.Nothing Can Separate Us from God's love. "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger or threatened with death? No! Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us." Romans 8:35-37

6.God Works All Things Together. "And we know God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." Romans 8:28 (nlt)

7.God hears my cry. "I love the Lord because He hears my voice and prayer for mercy. I will pray as long as I have breath." Psalm 116:1-2 (nlt)

Audrey: the beauty of a woman

For attractive lips
speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes
seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure
share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair
let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise
walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People
even more than things
have to be restored
renewed
revived
reclaimed
and redeemed
never throw out anyone.
Remember,
if you ever need a helping hand,
you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older
you will discover that you have two hands
one for helping yourself
and the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

**i love love love Audrey Hepburn.  i really want to be like her - the grace, the poise, the intellect, the kindness that she epitomizes. that's the type of person i want to be like. i don't need to be extremely fashionable or trendy; nor do i need or want to be the center of attention. i just want to be a good person and to exude inner grace and beauty and peace of mind, to know that i have done everything in my power to help others through my God-given gifts and talents.


The previous poem was written by the late educator-humorist Sam Levinson for his grandchild and read by Audrey Hepburn on Christmas Eve, 1992. It was also used by Ms. Hepburn on occasions when she was asked for beauty tips. [From Audrey Hepburn by Barry Paris, 1996, Putnam]

should i or shouldn't i?

i wrote a letter to my boss as part of the homework she gave us on technical writing.  it's supposed to be about why we should stay on the project (aka employed) but i ended up writing a letter about how i wish she'd replace me instead.  i wrote from the heart.

should i send her that letter or write a fake one on why i should stay hired? i'm not an awful employee so i'm sure i could find something to argue the case--i'm just not sure if i want to....

on one hand, i really can't imagine doing this for a year and one month more.  i feel like i'm wasting my time and energy doing something i have no interest in.  so even if i am gaining some skills, these aren't skills that i want to develop anyway.

but on the other hand, what am i going to do without this job? i guess i could look for a new one, maybe a part-time job, and even study something i actually want to learn in preparation for something that i actually want to do in the future.  i'm just not sure if i am ready for that.

there is also the chance that even if i give the real letter, she won't fire me.  but whenever i see her, i'll know that she knows that i don't really want to be here.  how would that affect the whole situation, i wonder?

the virtue of being stubborn

a lot of people will probably tell you that i am about as stubborn as a mountain (or a mule) and, i'm afraid to say, it isn't always a good thing to be so.

yesterday, i was really drawn in to the priest's sermon about the virtue of being stubborn.  apparently, being stubborn can be a good thing, given two conditions;  if you're going to be stubborn, you might as well ask yourself these two questions:

1. Am I right?

obviously! but then again, not so.  sometimes, nay oftentimes, we are stubborn simply because of our pride. or maybe we're too lazy to gain a new perspective or get the correct answer.  but if you know you're right about something, then that is already half a reason to be stubborn.  you may proceed to the next question.  but if you know you're wrong, then stop right there! what you need is perhaps a lesson in humility.  perhaps in another blog post...

2. Is it worthwhile?

even though we are right, sometimes, the things we are fighting for may not necessarily be worth the trouble.  we have to ask ourselves if the case is worthwhile, or if being stubborn will bring more harm than good in then end.  if it is something that might bring a bit of pain and inconvenience at first but can eventually bring understanding, then go for it.  don't let the frustration and exasperation keep you from staying true to these good beliefs.

i think we can also refer to this virtue as INTEGRITY.

defying gravity

while reading a barrage of daily emails, i stumbled across an article on Vanity Fair about Gisele Bundchen.  i was quite in awe at her ability and determination to stay fit and healthy in spite of her pregnancy (look at that body!).  but, more than anything else, i was most inspired by her philanthropic involvements and projects.  she's doing so much for the environment, for the youth, for the poor.  i want to make as much of a good difference as i can too, both in the lives of my loved ones and to the rest of the world.

i remember telling my parents some time ago how i feel it's important to do good now instead of waiting until i'm more successful later on.  i still stand by that statement.  however, i must now add that it's also important to determine how much you can give now without compromising your ability to keep giving later on. what i mean is, you also have to ensure that what you're doing now will not prevent you from accomplishing your mission.  sometimes, even when you're doing good, the overall outcome might not be as great if you had decided to act in a different manner, to go in a different direction.  maybe you're volunteering on the side now but had you focused on a certain thing (still volunteering but mindful of your goals), maybe you would've done more and better in the end.  of course, this doesn't mean you focus on one thing completely and disregard the rest.  the key is prioritizing.  ideally, too, your day job has to have a lot to do with your goals so that you don't have to resort to sidelines for a sens of fulfillment.

that was my issue.  see, YFC was the only major thing that i loved to do and that helped me accomplish my mission.  but now, things are starting to change and be clearer--i'm moving towards a real career, one that i believe was meant for me and the purpose set for me.  i won't have to live through YFC anymore because i somehow have a better idea of how i can accomplish my goal: to dedicate myself wholly to my purpose.  and now i can start taking steps towards that.

of course, i'll still do what's in my ability to help, especially when i'm needed.  ha! i don't know if i will still be needed there--what with all the new MVs; that really makes me happy.  i know that they can go on and do even better in spite of my absence.

now, i need to dedicate myself to fulfilling my purpose and accomplishing my mission.  i need to improve my relationships and learn to be a better and more loving person.  these are things i need to do if i am ever to get to a place where i can help more people and bring them to the Lord.

wish me luck! it's time to fly!

my Mind

Psalm 118:24

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Kwentong Dyip (repost)

Youngblood
Jeepney ride

By Katrina I. Martin
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 00:56:00 09/03/2009

Filed Under: Road Transport

Every day I get up at 6:30 in the morning. I eat breakfast, take a shower, get dressed for work, go downstairs, put on my shoes, check myself in the mirror, say goodbye to my mother, and walk out the front door. I stroll down our street, then another before reaching my usual waiting place. There I stand for about a minute before the right jeepney comes along. My hand makes the slightest wave, and the jeepney driver sees it and immediately steps on the brake to let me get on.

I take a seat as near to the entrance as possible. Once I feel comfortable, I take my wallet out and count P12 for my fare. I hand over the money while announcing, “Bayad po!” I wait for one of the other passengers to hold out his hand so I can place my money on it. He in turn places it on another passenger’s hand, until it reaches the driver’s own.

The jeepney stops for somebody. She is a middle-aged woman who expertly gets on board while balancing her shoulder bag and files and closing her umbrella at the same time. She takes a seat across me and extends her arm to give her fare. The student nearby does not budge. The woman has to try twice before she finally catches the attention of the student, who reluctantly reaches out to receive the fare.

In this short span of time, the jeepney has managed to move once more.

As I face the wide-open window on my side of the vehicle, I see a man smoking on the street a short distance ahead. He is waiting for the right jeepney. When he sees it, he gives a small wave and takes one last puff on his cigarette before flipping it casually on the street.

I narrow my eyes, but before I can give him a piece of my mind, something distracts me. It is the sound of a drum. I spot a boy in his mid-teens, walking on the street. He has dark skin, and his striped T-shirt and shorts have turned gray from use and dirt. He is trying to catch the eyes of the driver.

He gets on the jeepney and starts handing out white envelopes to the passengers. He then sits on the step and starts playing his makeshift drums made of cans, plastic, and rubber while singing in a tongue I do not understand. I have seen his kind before, but never experienced riding in the same jeep where they played.

I look at the envelope in my hand and see some writing on it. “Konting tulong lang po para sa Badjao,” it reads.

I remember placing a pack of soda crackers in my bag that morning and take it out to put inside the envelope. A girl sitting near me sees me do this and gives out a small laugh. Maybe she isn’t used to seeing people give food to strangers. I smile at her, hoping she has a pack of crackers to give as well. It seems she doesn’t.

The young man seated beside her pulls out some coins from his pocket and drops them into the envelope. I smile again.

The boy playing the drums stops, gets up, and goes back in to collect his envelopes. He stops in front of the middle-aged woman who just ignores him. He nonchalantly reaches out to take the empty envelope beside the woman (he is used to that kind of treatment).

The girl gives back an empty envelope too. The young man next to her gives his envelope of coins, while I give mine stuffed with crackers.

I smile at the boy before he taps on the roof of the jeep, a signal to the driver that he is getting off. The jeepney slows down enough for him to safely jump off before speeding up again. I smile and look out of the window again.

Badjaos. I am sure I have heard of them before. Perhaps I studied something about them back in high school, but I can hardly remember. I am glad I finally met one.

Using one’s talents to entertain other people is a perfectly good way of making a living. Actresses and musicians and writers get paid for doing their thing, so why not drummer boys? I promise myself to write about them. Something about the beat of the makeshift drums and the boy’s unfamiliar words cling to me. I smile and for a while, I am at peace amid the hustle and bustle of the rush hour.

Other people may not understand it, but I find joy while seated inside a jeepney. Though the smoke threatens to spoil the pleasure, almost everything else contributes to the appeal. Jeepneys have an almost magnetic charm for me. In exchange for a handful of coins, you get an authentic and rich insight into the lives of real Filipinos—an intimate peek, if you will. No, the jeepney isn’t exactly squeaky clean. Neither is it all pleasant and inviting, which is perhaps  the reason some people hate it: we cannot all yet own up to the fact that life isn’t perfect. It is what it is. And depending on how you see things and what you make of what you have, it can be good.

(Katrina I. Martin, 21, is a research assistant at the UP Manila National Institutes of Health and a mission volunteer for Youth for Christ Campus-Based.)

portrait of a young artist as an adult

so this is what adulthood means--to be responsible for your actions...
this is what it means to be a good adult--to never let your actions be the cause of others' suffering (no matter how little).

after almost nine months, i am somewhat sorry for my brash decisions and actions. i do not regret the experiences--they have taught me much. but i regret tying myself down like this. and now i must stick it out for a year and at least 3 months more. because i made a commitment, and to break that would be to cause trouble to good people--something i do not want to ever do.

maybe, if it weren't for the promise made, i would have enough courage to take that leap of faith right now. forget the risks, the uncertainties, right? but when you put others in the line, i cannot allow myself to be the reason for their jeopardy. i guess this also answers that question of "how far would you go?"

as far as necessary, but still remaining true to who i am and to the values that i live by.

the land of the Wild Things

...is in each of us.

I watched "Where The Wild Things Are" yesterday and found it quite moving--this story of a kid with a temper and a huge imagination. i found that i could relate to it in some ways.

just like Max, i find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships with my family--i am easily disappointed or frustrated by their actions and am hurt quickly and deeply. i tend to take everything personally, even though i already know i shouldn't, and find it more convenient to blow my top off rather than act like a good Christian. it is difficult to be in a family, much less an imperfect one. everybody's got quirks and issues and deficits in pleasant characteristics. but it would be a lot more difficult without it altogether.

see, i'm just me. i'm no savior or king or magician. and i sure as hell have neither powers to make everything bright and sparkly, nor a sadness shield. in truth, nobody on earth does. we are all just ourselves. but we really do have to learn to live with one another in peace, to appreciate each other--while we still have that chance (and while the supper is still hot and waiting for us on the table).

mirrors

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes. i have no idea how i compare to the people who have made it. i have no assurance that i will make it, myself. i have no experience, no education, no recommendation of any kind. i have zip.

all i have are these weak hands, this mediocre brain, this flawed heart.
all i have is a dream, a hope, a passion, a vision.
all i have is the faith that things will work out as they are meant to do so.
all i have is a God whom i trust completely, and who looks out for me at all times.

do i doubt myself, my talents?
yes, very much so.
but i cannot let my doubts imprison me any more.
i have to take that step, that leap.
i must walk, decidedly, into the dark abyss of trials and suffering. but i would do so with a ray of light of hope, with faith and gracious uncertainty. with You.

gracious uncertainty

"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint." (Romans 5:5)

i'm tired.

i'm tired of caring for people. for this world--it's exhausting, frustrating...especially when they don't care back or acknowledge the effort, or worse, when they hate you all the more for giving a damn.

but i guess it's still better than caring just for myself or not caring at all. because at least, when you get to the Holy Gates, you can say that you tried.

keep caring, kat. keep trying.

22

i get it now. your love is better than life; it's more than what i ever expected life could ever be. then, it was about dreams and goals, money and things, myself and my problems. now, it is about family and friends, purpose and love, You and my mission.

everything just falls into place after that first step of acknowledgment and acceptance.

"...
for You O Lord make the sunshine and the moonlight and the night sky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You because I can't stop falling in love with you
..."

Thank You for putting things in their rightful place. i know You're with me on my way to mine as well. and i finally have hope of getting there, thanks to You.

i love You. i can't even fathom that there was a time when i didn't know You, didn't know You loved me. now Your love leaves my heart full of hope and joy, faith and love--i am runneth over, a cistern that overflows, with life.

i hope that i can fulfill the purpose and mission you have set for me, and pay forward the blessings i have received from your infinite rivers.