slowly, steadily, surely

"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will sure come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3 (LB)

these days, there are two main things that occupy the space between my ears--love and dreams. nary a day goes by that i do not fret about either one of these. i am approximately twenty two years, 9 months, 14 days, and 18 hours old as of this writing, yet i feel as if a better person could have managed to travel farther down the road had she been in my stead. sometimes i wonder if the blame may be placed on me and my human inadequacies. perhaps i am not nearly as lovable as the rest of them; the combination of my character, my history, my environment does not make for a desirable lass. or perhaps i am much more asinine than i think myself to be, and the mistakes that i make as a consequence of such prevent me from landing my rear end on greener pastures or in the arms of Prince Charming or even the hind legs of the Frog Prince, at the very least. perhaps i am overreaching and think too much of myself and my capabilities, when i really have no proof of my talents, no commendation of any sort. maybe i am schizophrenic, and what i perceive to be God's plan and mission for me are, in truth, just delusions of grandeur. and so i walk in unease; i despair.

but this verse gives me hope. not just hope that i am not a lunatic, but hope that God's promise will come true for each and every one of us, including myself. hope and faith that everything is exactly where it ought be, and i am, even now amidst the confusion and difficulties, in the place where i am meant to be for the moment. and i believe that, slowly, steadily, surely, His plans and promises for me will come to pass.

here we go again

when are you gonna get it through your thick skull, silly little girl?! let's get real please.
hmm...how are we supposed to deal with this tortured situation?

distractions?
avoidance?
denial?
masochism?

i think the first two might be the better options, but i have the sinking feeling that i'll end up with the last no matter what i say or do anyway. haaaay. pray pray pray.

from the inside out

it's been a while, huh?  i guess i've just been preoccupied (not necessarily with the noblest of things, mind you).

anyway, i just wanted to share this years old song with you (even though most of you are probably already familiar with it).  from the very first notes, this song always has me kneeling on the ground.  it is as if every eighth slowly creeps into my veins, until my soul is full of His presence.  

i hope you also have that one thing that manages to reach and move your very core, even the most frozen of all your insides, the most putrid of all your dark secrets, the most sorrowful of all your cold tears.  and i hope that thing or person breathes life back into you, restores you to your inherent glory.

pseudo fall

oh!
how lovely
the many leaves
falling flying floating freely
slowly quickly then quickly slowly
twirling like in a dance gaily

/

is it weird to want someone to tell you if they're busy and can't respond to you immediately, as opposed to having to check your phone every now and then, eagerly anticipating a message that might not even arrive?

i was just wondering.  'cause i think i might prefer the former option, but maybe it sounds too weird and OC to other people.  but that's me--weird and OC. what can i do?

i just don't like waiting.  i guess i really need to learn to be more patient and understanding. haaay!

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act..."  -Psalm 37:7

here we go

i chanced upon a friend's blog a while ago and this verse greeted me:

"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast." --Ephesians 2:8-9 (NASB)

he was recalling a specific talk in an event two years ago (the post was also written at that time), and it made me realize how i should really learn to be grateful everyday for what i have and who i am and what i can and can't do.  many times, there is a tendency to try to take matters into my own hands (which is not wholly a bad thing) and getting carried away in the process.  i forget that, in my 22 years of life, not once has doing so incredibly altered my life or that of others for good.  if i have ever done anything worthwhile in my time, it is only because of Him who willed it, He who gave me both the opportunity and the ability to carry it out, however undeserving i am.

the past months, i have been largely preoccupied with career issues and chasing down my dreams of glory and immortality.  not really for money or fame or admiration--no, not anymore.  i just wanted to accomplish something in this lifetime, you know? to have been of some good use during my time on earth.  this longing has consumed me, but not in an entirely positive manner.  i feel that, at times, i have been oblivious to the people and things and events around me, those that truly matter although might not necessarily be directly instrumental in achieving the big dreams and plans i have for saving the world.  i fret too much and fear that, when i pass away, i would have done no one any good.  but now i realize that i have been worrying ceaselessly about things that are beyond my control.  i must not demand nor expect that my frail body, my vacuous mind, and my flawed heart will change the world.  i can only hope and try my best to do what good i can, bearing in mind that whatever little or plenty is accomplished is done so with His grace.

"Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you.  Before you were born, I set you apart for a special work." --Jeremiah 1:5

the first verse will serve to ground in humility, the second to empower.