holding on

Lord, ive been really tired and worried that i couldn't do all of these things. but you told me to just believe in You, Father; to not solely rely on my own capabilities, for i am just human whereas You are God. i remember now what you have been repeatedly telling me. Father, i believe that you want me to do all these projects. They are difficult and many, but you told me that if I believe that these are important then I mustn’t give up on them and, more importantly, you will be at my side always to help and guide. Ok Lord, I won’t give up. Through all these things Lord just allow me to glorify You, Father. Everything is for You…

rediscovering YFC

came from CORE meeting a while ago. i thought it was HH so i was pretty excited. but then, the hidden motives of my very pasaway President were revealed (haha. kidding eric). so we had a meeting about a formal integration of GK and YFC at last, and this new project will be starting in Central C! can you believe it? i'm really excited about the coming year :)

in the past weeks service has been kind of dry for me and it was only last night that i discovered the reason behind this phenomenon: i've been so used to YFC that i've forgotten to see the bigger picture. week after week, it has been the same, if not worse, in my opinion. still no consistent households, even for the execom. no prayer meetings or worships, and it's been really frustrating to see YFC in UPM spiral down to its current condition. and i realized last night that we have been stagnant for quite some time, perhaps not because we've become less dedicated to our service, but we've taken for granted the true essence of being YFCs, of being God's chosen people.

we're not just in YFC to learn about God, to worship Him, form a spiritual family in our campus, love our own families and friends and help one another out. we're supposed to go beyond that, supposed to serve those whom we don't know, those who really need it, knowing that we may get nothing in return.

thank you Father for you have revealed your great plan to us: You're going to use us to let the whole world know of and realize your great love for every single one of us. it's a lot of work, but with You, anything is possible. Lord, please continue to give us strength, faith, grace, wisdom, and perseverance to fulfill our purposes in life.

escape

right now...
i need to get out of this place. bad energy. it really makes my blood curdle. very unconducive to good things, to productivity, to happiness. need to pray about it. but at the same time...need to get out...

beauty in simplicity

no duty today because of the wannabe coup. poor Manila Pen. anyway, i'm actually quite said that there isn't night duty today because i was really looking forward to being with one of the nurses @ 7RCB. i'm quite infatuated with her (not in the weird way. haha). it's just that i don't know many people like her. she's simple, intelligent, responsible, kind, supportive, and trusting. she doesn't bitch about other people, doesn't gossip at all. if she can't say anything nice, she still doesn't speak ill of others, even when they are perhaps deserving. she's not boring, yet she doesn't overpower with her personality. at duty, she really shows that she is a nurse, above everything. she doesn't try to grab attention with her silly antics, much unlike myself. she really knows that it's not about her, and i think that is so uncommon these days; we tend to make everything about ourselves. but no, not her. there is true beauty in her simplicity and dedication, and i really admire that. i hope that one day, the same can be said about myself.

brighter!

Lord, thank you for making the prayer meeting a success. there were a few glitches, but all the essentials were there and that is more than enough. Father, i really realized a lot from worship: that you brought me here to help cure the pains and hurts of the people. that you don't want me to be perfect but are asking me to try and do my best. i'm so lucky because you are in my life, you are the meaning and purpose of my existence.

a quote from a good friend:
"Life is really not perfect. but it can be more than perfect depending on how you look at it."

true.

sensibilities

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

just the one

Lord, i kn0w that there's a reason you separated me from my HH. i've realized that they are my only really close friends and perhaps it is time i form more meaningful relationships with others. it's time i opened up to them, please you through these relationships, tell more people about you and show them how great you are. it's also a challenge to improve myself, to become more acceptable and lovable without changing my essence; to do away with the awful imperfections but keep the quirks which distinguish myself from others. i hope to glorify you, Father. i'm quite terrified of what's to come, but i know that if i just learn to trust you, everything will be where it should be.

iCry

i'm sorry if i burst out on you, ma. but right now, i am hurting because of you guys. i think i may never look at you the same way again. i think a part of me has forever given you up, my family; has stopped hoping for your love, believing i will never receive it. i feel your love for me right now is more of a fulfillment of duty. there is no affection, no understanding, no acceptance.

oh, i pray to God that it won't be a vicious cycle. man, i've got a lot of guesswork and trial&error phases when i have my own family. please, let me be a loving person. please give me the strength and grace to love unconditionally. right now, i can't even look at my mother nor speak two words to her. literally. it's difficult because the selfish part of me is no longer willing to love them as much, knowing that i most probably love them more than they love me. and usually, that shouldn't be the case, right? it should be equal. or isn't there a saying that nobody can beat a mother's love? well..i just found a family to disprove that theory. Father, please heal me. allow the hurt to go away. i know that eventually i will have to love them without expecting or demanding anything in return. it's how You were to us, after all.

it pains me that i have to ask

all my life, i've had to ask for things to get them. i've almost always been the one to initiate things...like a little girl who has to ask for a Christmas present. and sometimes, she gets what she asked for. there have also been more insulting moments when she doesn't. but what she really longs for is something that cannot be bought or requested. what she wants is for just one person to know her well enough, to love her enough so that that person would willingly give something to her, something sincere, true, beautiful. somethings she doesn't have to ask for...i just want to be loved in such a way that i do not have to ask someone to love me. we all want to be understood, to be loved...and we all deserve to be so.

the giving tree

pardon my selfishness and immaturity, Father. right now i'm frustrated at both myself and my parents. i might just be jealous because i don't get the luxuries i want and am really frustrated because they give him everything when he doesn't even work his ass off for it. he just has to whine a little bit, let out a few tears...and i, no matter how much i try, will never be able to completely please them! they will never appreciate what i do or accomplish. it's just frustrating! and the fact that they deny treating him with a lot more favor infuriates me and makes me want to bang my head on the wall a couple million times. i hate that they make excuses for their behavior. they are parents, adults! they should know better. no consistency and logic in child-rearing at all (i know, it's a miracle i'm this fabulous). i just had to get away because i might burst and no matter how rational my defense would be, they'd just find a way to turn it around and make me look like the lone psycho. and you know what? i am! i'm definitely over-acting here. but the thing is, it's been going on for so long, i just can't contain it any more. i know i'm being selfish. it it were Jesus, He'd understand and accept it, do more precious things with his time than mope in the Trinoma foodcourt. i do understand. however, i just can't stop how i'm feeling at the moment. at least i made some effort to be decent and avoid conflict by getting away, right? i just want to cry. because i hate knowing that i am less loved, less appreciated by my own parents. but even though this is so, i thank You, Lord, for reminding me that You are with me, that You love me unconditionally and equally among my brothers and sisters. i find peace knowing that. and yes, i do long for even just one person, someone who will love me in the way that i know i deserve to be loved. but for now, Your love is more than sufficient.

Captivating

"a woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become"

i've realized that one thing that hinders my relationships with other people is because i try to change them too much. i think differently and believe i am right so i try hard to convert other people's beliefs and ideas as well. good intentions, yes. but perhaps the wrong approach. say your peace then stop, Kat. don't force it unless entirely necessary. maybe, in time, you'll both discover the answer.

a prayer, a friend, and a million raindrops

i spent a few hours with a friend today. we had merienda, worked on a paper that will change the world, kidded with a brother, pretended to be pirates journeying across the vast ocean (pedro gil) in our so-called black pearl (a pedicab). then, we took turns playing amanda bynes on "the girls' room", minus the million or so 'whatevers'. also, i guess you could say we were a tad more serious. here are some insights...

it is hard to let go. sometimes, we've grown to love someone so much that we don't care if they don't love us back; we end up hoping for even the slightest sign indicating that there is still a way to rekindle the fire. we hold on to the memorabilia, acknowledging that there has been some kind of sentimental significance in such things as letters, ribbons, petals, or guitar strings. but sometimes, we also need to come into terms with the realization that locking these things up, hiding them in boxes, may hinder us from truly moving on. sometimes we just have to let go, knowing fully well that that certain part of life has went and gone and will never come back. we acknowledge the joys it has given us, as well as the changes it has brought about in us. we are even thankful for it, admitting that we have become better persons because of such an experience. then, we finally send it off. with a bang, of course.

how do you send off a memory? burn it? oh no, there's no need to trouble the air and ozone layer. leo dicaprio would kill me! throw it in the trash? how unceremonious! no memory deserves such treatment. bury it in the yard? perhaps. but we didn't have a shovel. throw it into the forest? perfect. it'll never be found. and, it makes for good fertilizer ;) no forests in UP Manila though. we'll have to settle for a suitable alternative. and so, after discovering a hopefully deserted and hidden bush, we said a prayer. for him who was loved, that he may be blessed with a good life and the right person. for her who loved, that she may meet her soulmate, if it is in God's plan, and glorify Him in their relationship and service. for her who helped, that she and her GG may have a love that truly pleases the Father. then i breathe deeply, transfer all y energy to my right arm, and toss the memory as far away as i can. my friend and i look at each other, smile, then breathe sighs of relief. it was in me all along--that ability to provide closure, to open a new chapter in my life. no one can push us to or prevent us from doing so except for ourselves. now i know...and i am satisfied.

we return to CN and start reminiscing about the darker times (aka non-YFC days), and comparing our old selves with the individuals we are today. we had to sacrifice many things, including friendships, for YFC. but in the end, we found that it was in giving these up that we were better able to appreciate them. and not meaning to plug, but we both agreed that if there was one thing that changed us the most (in a good way), it was YFC. we never thought we'd be part of it. indeed, we didn't think so highly of it back then. now, we finally believe that everything is right where it should be, that we experienced the things we went through for a reason, a plan. for few are chosen among the many who are called. it is a privilege, a blessing to be who we are now and we both look toward the nearing horizon with optimism and a sense of purpose and meaning.

***kilig moments. we talked about stages (haha) and me praying for my future GG. we also talked about waiting, not for the proper time, but for ourselves. anyway, i really have a good feeling about him. we're not very close and don't know each other well at all but i just sense something in him. maybe it's infatuation. but i somehow have an unexplainable conviction that it isn't just. i pray so.

SOLI DEO GLORIA "to God alone be the glory"

ALSO AVAILABLE IN BLACK& GOLD, AND BLACK&SILVER

skeletons

i'm in a good mood right now. in pyjamas, on my bed, listening to "dreaming" and "feel good" music, snacking on dried mangoes, writing in my journal. yep, this is a perfect moment. except...there is an old gray umbrella and 21 undelivered letters hidden in my closet.

yellow bells, red bricks, and a golden sky

sometimes we get so accustomed to this world we live in that we fail to acknowledge its wonders. as i entered through the gate, i noticed for the first time that there was a quaint overgrowth of yellow bells in our pocket garden, the vines of which were hanging down from the makeshift trellis, providing for an enchantingly inviting frame to the red bricks and french windows of my house. indeed, we have become so engrossed in all our problems, schedules, and such mundane necessities that we have forgotten to appreciate the true essence of life on earth which is living it--breathing in every moment and being grateful to the heavens that such wonders and privileges have been entrusted to us.

i admit that i have been so preoccupied with things which, in such a brief second, have become insignificant. this longing in my heart for a companion who would love me as much as every individual deserves to be loved is, perhaps temporarily, a thing of the past. for i have found solace in God's beauty and in my spirit's own; and reassurance in His perfect timing. there is so much captivating beauty surrounding me that i now realize what a true waste it would be to dwell on the past or even try to foretell the future. i know not what the future will be for me, but there is certainty in the belief that it will be bright, breathtaking--like the first star to light up the gray night sky, or the first streaks of pink and gold at the break of dawn.

surf's up!

PJ Valenciano: pssst
PJ Valenciano: kat??
PJ Valenciano: hahahaha
me: yep?
PJ Valenciano: sama ka surfing
me: kelan ba?! may pasok pa ko eh..cge!
PJ Valenciano: hahahaha
PJ Valenciano: parang tuloy na sila sa october
PJ Valenciano: eh
PJ Valenciano: madami dami na tayo
PJ Valenciano: woohoooooooooooooo
me: october 12 ata last day ko
PJ Valenciano: excited ka?
me: sa surfing o sa end ng pasukan? haha
PJ Valenciano: sa surfing at sa end ng pasukan
PJ Valenciano: hahahahahaha
me: yep!

batch song

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIRA!!

i love you! we miss you already!

S.O.S

help! i'm desperately in need of a terno. our theme for the editorial board shoot for our yearbook is filipiniana (because we'll be graduating in UP's centennial year). can you believe, malapit na tau mag graduate!?! *crosses fingers* haha. anyway, back to the point, any ideas? do you guys know anyone from whom i could borrow/rent a terno? i want to look really nice because this is something my descendants will be looking (and laughing) at a thousand years from now. haha. keep in mind the size, though. haha. anyway, i need it before october 7th (that's the day of the shoot). so help me out guys! :)

grad pic!!

okay. shooting for grad pic is probably a month away. help me decide! you can vote for two themes, okiesh? which fits me?! (okaay. my narcissistic side is starting to show, i'm afraid)

resurrection

i'm alive!!! haha. well, i hope. haven't blogged for quite some time now...sorry guys. i know school isn't much of an excuse, especially since i don't exactly devote my waking hours to it. haha. i guess, i sort of lost track of the important things. and yes, blogging is one of them. why, you ask? well, i believe that sharing one's experiences and learnings with others plays a significant role in shaping and improving the world we live in. we can choose different ways of expressing our insights...it can be through film, music, visual art, dance, essays, poems, fiction even! always remember that what you have in mind is most likely worth sharing. and it can do a bit of good too! go, world peace!!! heehee.

How Great is our God?

writing gig

i'm in! yay! got accepted. i just got a new part-time job which involves mainly writing movie and tv reviews of my choice. cool, huh? two of my favorite art forms combined: literature and film. it's only a thousand bucks a month and i have to make two articles every week, but i guess that's an okay deal. can't wait.

BATAD = UNO - (meedge+kat)

i wish i were with them....

freedom of choice--it's a funny thing, isn't it? there's destiny and fate, yet there is also freedom of choice. can one exist with the other? for some weird reason, i have always strongly believed in both.

ever since i began to realize that every decision made and action done has its corresponding consequences, i've tried to make the most out of everything, i tried to think things through and even plan the minute details of my life. of course, i'd be lying if i said i stuck to the plan a 100% since i have given myself some, say, creative freedom. after all, it is my choice still. my life...

i firmly believe that we always have the right and power to choose. even when you are being tortured for an answer, you have a choice: to resist or to give in. i believe that when people mess up, it is their fault. when they allow the harsh realities of life to keep biting them, it was their choice. it is actually for this same reason that i do not like people who complain and curse about every misfortune that is thrown their way. after all, if you are unsatisfied with the way things are, you ought to do something! are you going to let it defeat you while doing nothing? 'tis better to lose in battle than surrender but still lose. 'tis better to preserve a sens of dignity and integrity than wallow in self-pity.

last week, i hade made a terrible decision to not decide. for the first time since i developed my "woman of the world" attitude, i depepnded wholly on someone else to make a decision for me. for some reason that is yet to be unearthed, i could not fully decide for myself if i wanted, truly wanted, to join BATAD. i wasn't sure if i wanted to leave my family at such a precocious time, and for three days too! i was not sure if it would be safe. i was afraid my parents would think it ridiculous for me to even consider going to an isolated beach without a real adult. i wondered if going to BATAD meant less chances of being allowed to attend YFC events. so, i asked them for permission without even having made my choice. and they decided not to let me go. it was only a few hours after that moment of initial relief from having escaped making a crucial decision by myself did i realizee that i did want to go. i want to swim and relax and have a real vacation. i want to be undisturbed, to take a break from the stress the city brings. most of all, i wanted to get to know UNO better and live like a family with them...because they are family. they've only always supported me, put up with me, and loved me. even if we had our rifts and differences, we've remained true to each other.

it's funny how things are, isn't it? we've despicably mastered the art of taking things for granted: our family and friends, school, privileged lifestyle, complete body parts, oxygen and water, nature, sunlight, the cool breeze on a humid day...everything has become nothing in this new age we live in. but once in a while, reality hits us on the head and we learn to appreciate even the simplest joys life has generously provided us...before resuming our old i-could-care-less way of living. so, in hopes of never returning to that state of thinking, i'd like to give a big shout out to God: thanks for everything! seriously. and to you (yes you), thanks for being a part of my life. i know i don't always act like it but i do appreciate and love you. today, i choose. i choose to be true. i choose to do what is right. i choose to love. i choose to believe. i choose to see the significance of everything in this world and beyond. i choose to appreciate what has been given to me and even what has been denied me. i choose to do what the Lord has tasked me to do. i choose to live for Him. heck, i choose to live.

halo-halo

i haven't written in a long time. i got my priorities mixed up. rather, i just forgot them altogether. in place of writing/praying/reflecting, i have daydreamed. yes, i spent precious time daydreaming. at some point, it was productive--giving me ideas regarding my future service. however, there did come a time when i was supposedly too engrossed in it that i lost the heart of service and got carried away fantasizing about the perceived worldly benefits of such. i realized that God was no longer at the center of it and what was meant to be beautiful had turned into a massive and quite uncontrollable monster. i couldn't stop. i had attached my hopes and wishes into figments of imagination. thankfully, God helped withdraw my mind from what could've been the worst and, quite frankly, the most authentic "relapse" of mine. He made me feel how He has forgiven me even before i approached Him for forgiveness. truly, our Lord is most merciful. He keeps saving us from evil, even if we seem not to want it. like a true parent, He deals with us in the most loving and appropriate manner possible. i really hope this lasts. i know i need to put more effort in both fighting sin and living true goodness. i need to pray more and do my best to develop Christ's character.

Lord please help me. please enable me to defeat my demons so i may have no impediments in my quest to accomplish whatever You will of me.

no to dinner, thank you

We’re at Highlands steakhouse right now. me, Charlie, Mom and Dad.

I hate fakes. And I hate being fake. I hate wasting, and this is a perfect example of that. I am not in the mood to eat this kind of food. I am not in the mood to spend for food that can be prepared at home for a fraction of the cost. I’d rather spend it on important things like saving up for a plane ticket outta here, or a laptop or camera, tickets to a great film…I wish I can just chuck out all this pretentiousness. I’d rather give that money to the poor and spend a comfortable dinner at home. Yeah, that’s exactly it. When I have a family and we go out, it’ll be special. Something everyone’s in the mood for, something we all agree on. We won’t do it often so it’ll be appreciated, and the value of such opportunities will be rightly appraised. And whenever that day comes, I’ll give them a choice: to use it for ourselves or for the poor…of course, greater rewards if they choose the former, but not immediate though. Just like life. Great riches are stored in heaven for those who think of others before themselves.

In the meantime…Lord, please give me the patience to deal with them, give me the grace to show them what must be done. For if not I, then who will do it?

goodnight, goodbye, goodluck!

Tonight was the last time I’d be saying “goodnight” to my ate Tin. This is it. She and Charlton are actually leaving. Their plane will depart 8pm later…then they’ll be off searching for greener pastures @ British Virgin Islands. She’ll be at London for around 2 hours too! That’s cool.

Earlier this evening, ate Con and I bought her a parting present, a dress I knew she’d love. And in the flurry of cash, hangers, and wonderfully made local products, I had once again forgotten the situation. I haven’t seriously contemplated the whole thing. I also haven’t written since Friday so it’s only beginning to really sink in now. I was the first one with whom she talked about BVI, the first to know she was accepted. I was quite aware of all the processes she went through so she’d be ready to go. I watched her take the suitcases from the top shelf. I found myself hypnotized by the whole packing rituals as well. In fact, I even helped her to decide which to bring or leave behind, as well as bring the suitcases down the flight of stairs. Yet I never thought this day and time would actually come. I had to put off the whole reality and now, the time’s caught up with me; there is no escape.

Imagine my surprise when we found out there was a despedida party 2 hours after it started, when most of the guests had already gone. I feel awful that ate con and I missed ate tin’s last dinner in the country for a bunch of clothes. They were great clothes, but still just clothes nonetheless. However, I am delighted that ate tin really liked the dress.

On my way out of the room, I said goodnight, yet none of them seemed to have heard me, being preoccupied with their own businesses, and thus, no one greeted me back. After 7 seconds of having left the room, I went back, pretending to look for something. Then I remembered that ate tin’s new dress was in need of a brooch, so I volunteered to give her the one I made a long time ago: my only brooch, my favorite brooch; the brooch that could be all classy or edgy, like myself (I presume). I hope that she finds much satisfaction in having it and remembers me by it.

I’m afraid I’m not ready to say goodbye. I never told her how much I love and appreciate her, how much I’ll miss her (especially the tummy-pampering). I never told her about God and life and living for a purpose. I regret not having told her all these things as often as I could. Yet, I rejoice in the knowledge that God has given me the means to do what must still be done, what can still be done. Though I do not have as much time as I would’ve wanted, there is just enough for God’s will. MUST WRITE A LETTER BEFORE SHE LEAVES.

After attaching the brooch to her white blazer, I said my “goodnight”. This time, I heard ate Tin murmur a sleepy “goodnight” back.

living on the edge

well, not quite. i've been bumming for the past two days now. and because i'm still high from all the ocean and swordfights and swashbuckling humor, i kept searching for information on how the actors got their roles in the Pirates movies. there are rumors of a fourth one and i would be comme un fou to get even close to the Caribbean seawater. okay, i know, awful grammar. haha. anyway. so, i saw these casting websites with free trials and i registered in them! haha. just for fun. you never know right? anyway, when are we going to have good, mainstream films in the Philippines? i'm tired of the old superhero slash improbable romance flicks they've been showing.

i think this is what i need to do to keep myself close to sane, especially when school starts...you know, bury myself in all this art stuff. i'm resuming my advanced sewing classes at the Fashion Institute of the Philippines tomorrow. my last project. it better be great. i'm praying for it. haha. then, i'll be investing in dvds and vcds of my favorite movies (the real stuff), as well as movie and play tickets. i'm gonna search for a copy of the books Johnny mentioned on tv. then i'll try harder with "the artist's way" soon after i finish PDL. oh, my design gig with pau. mustn't forget that. and i have to sketch my children's book since altered books aren't easy to get published. oh my! i've got so much to do!

bondage

i'm spending some time alone with my room. we really need to bond more. seriously. it's mostly in this room where i'll be reflecting, praying, studying (just a little of that), writing, reading, and dreaming. it's a pretty big deal! no, it most definitely is not Room 4...but it can be the new "it" room. i just have to commit myself to making it so.

i haven't read PDL in a while. put it on hold for STS. Lord, i really hope i did well in it. i hope my classcard doesn't get lost either, on account of me submitting it very late. i pray that we all pass so our efforts weren't in vain.

oh, and i reallyy need to make this place more of a home too. spread the love!

*officially in jack sparrow heaven*

just came home after watching Pirates of the Caribbean. it strengthens my resolve even more. i no longer feel silly for wanting to act. God wants me to and that makes me so ecstatic! i read in the newspaper a while ago about Reggie Lee, Chow Yun Fat's sidekick in the movie. apparently, he's a filipino making it in Hollywood! he started out with musicals in LA at the age of 18. now he's in movies and TV series. isn't that great?

i love acting. i love movies and would absolutely want to contribute to that whole experience. i want to communicate to the audiences, be a part of something wonderful, something that makes people and dreams come to life! i wanna make them feel happy or heartbroken or angry or depressed or adventurous or desperate or crazy or in love. i think a great movie has its part in helping people from all over the world understand each other: the cultures, the family, the situation, problems and joys, trials and failures, dreams and wishes and fears. i want to help inspire people in becoming whatever it is they want to be, in the same way the screen has inspired me...

i can't remember how long i've wanted to act. all i know is, whenever i watch a movie, i read a book, or even listen to music, i've always pictured in my head how the scene would take place. Lord, i understand now. please help me so i may accomplish what You ask of me.

*is it a coincidence that the first and last ride i got on in disneyland was Pirates? maybe it's destiny. hahaha.

Day 32: Using what God gave you

Lord, i am so excited for the changes that will soon take place in my life through Your will. You do deserve my best, Lord.

a reason for everything

i don't feel so good. lots of acad stuff to do. it is extremely difficult to continue doing these things especially now that i know what i will sort of be doing with my life after college--and it's not professional nursing. but this is the price i have to pay in exchange for discovering myself and my God; for discovering true friends and my wonderful spiritual family. 4 years of terribly hard work. it is very costly. however, i would not change the way God has tinkered with my life if i could because it has been and will continue to be worth it. every zit and every tear, every drop sweat or blood, every hurt, every failure...

i am so blessed to have been called by You.

another reason i don't feel great? well, i can't publish that. but here's what i think. an excerpt from the confidential journal entry. don't think i'm bigheaded though...

why does this always happen? there's this whole type of people who always disappoint me. because of some silly things they did, i have to restrict myself, be all stiff and unlike me at all just to drive them away. i don't like having to drive poeple away! i like friends. but i can't see any other option. Lord what must i do?

i think some people are selfish. if what you have to say and the way you express it is all wrong, it could ruin a relationship. sometimes we have to learn to make the effort to think. we have to pray for what must be done. if we don't, if we rely on our own capabilities, our instincts, we'll surely be messed up. it's about what's right. not if we can no longer bear the pain of keeping mum. suffering and self-discipline are important too, after all. remember: think. don't be selfish. reflect on how every action will affect your relationship with yourself, your God, and other people. we have to weigh things carefully before making a decision. that is unless you know God is urging you to do something spontaneously and maybe even a bit irrational or crazy. otherwise, you must pray. if it really is from Him, then do it! that is called "taking a leap of faith" :)

it's 951am. i believe God is commanding me to study now.

i love dried mangoes. but...

katrina_pattina: omg! this is the 1st time i've seen you online
ericson paraguya: omg
katrina_pattina: http://antithesisoffelicity.blogspot.com/
katrina_pattina: read!!!
katrina_pattina: hey, you don't have class right? but can we still worship? i miss it..i'm sort of experiencing a..uhm..drought right now. spiritual-wise
ericson paraguya: how?
katrina_pattina: tuesday?
katrina_pattina: what do u mean "how"?
ericson paraguya: how dry? have no class. ah i hav a recent problem na ishare sau but let's text nalang no call. a problem here... ergo, not sure ako sa tuesday.
katrina_pattina: wednesday?
katrina_pattina: thursday?
katrina_pattina: like alarmingly dry. for me ha.
ericson paraguya: wednesday ok kasi punta ako skul
ericson paraguya: i pray for u... be strong.

c'mon. rain, please. just a little.

i prayed this morning. real prayer. just a teardrop maybe. but i am learning to pray more for others and less for myself. i know that before i take any actions, i should ask God for help 1st, so i don't make any more mistakes which could have been avoided.

old, alone, done for...not me! that's captain hook!

i'm at Tang City right now. about to eat lunch on my own. it's ok. sometimes we have to be alone. i'm almost nearing striking a balance. there's a bit of sadness that i'm alone right now though, wanting to improve my relationships with others (thanks to PDL). but i guess we also need time to think to ourselves so we have good stuff for conversation. we just need to reflect so that we will also be in touch with ourselves, as much as we are with our friends and family.

Day 20

i just realized, i haven't been praying a lot. at all, actually. i need to follow the official prayer time, even if it would interrupt whatever i'm doing. i need to pray for broken fellowships. i realized i hadn't really done that much praying regarding those, thinking i had to take matters into my own hands. but in PDL, i realized i had to "ventilate vertically" and should come to God first and ask Him for help and guidance.

i need to really reflect on PDL too. i'm losing the lessons and cheating myself by not paying much attention to it....

what is a "person"?

had lunch with jewel today. then watched Spiderman 3 with him, jaq, rex, roni, and tin. one word: BLAST!
this is the latter part of out ym conversation


yerlewej: SIGNAL FIRE, SNOW PATROL
me: oooh
yerlewej: i'm ok now, though..
me: that's good.
yerlewej: ansaya nun! di dapat ma-ruin
yerlewej:
me: i can understand how you felt and it's a normal reaction..
me: yeah! exactly
yerlewej: which proves i'm still tao
yerlewej: haha!
me: next time, you're sitting next to me so we can laugh at the noisy girls giggling behind us...
me: haha
yerlewej: hahah! ganun ba?
me: and pretend to be part of the movie
me: or predict what's gonna happen next
yerlewej: wooh..^_^
yerlewej: which brings back my movie-w/-rex-and-jac memories
yerlewej: sa g4
me: haha. stomp the yard
yerlewej: yep
me: wish i saw it..i love dance movies
yerlewej: parang wala akng kasama nun. hahah!
yerlewej: talaga?
me: frustrated wanna-be dancer
yerlewej: pag na-download ko, i'll lend it to you
me: haha
yerlewej: me too!
me: bakit naman?
me: yay!
yerlewej: feeling ko kaya ko yung mga steps dun
me: oooooooh. that's my apo!
yerlewej: ah, kasi sila yung nag-uusap
yerlewej: di ako kasali
yerlewej:
me: ah. hahaha. that's why three's a crowd
yerlewej: yeah, pero during the movie lang yun
me: neverrrrr group into three's
yerlewej: nung nasa labas na kami, ok na ulit
me: hahaha
me: that's good
yerlewej: that was actually my bday gift to rex
yerlewej: na hindi naman halatang bday gift
yerlewej: hahahah!
me: hahaha.
me: that's a great gift. T-I-M-E
me: love it!
yerlewej:
me: omg. i just saw ma'm acop's friendster. i'll add her!
yerlewej: ngye! antagal na kaya nya sa profile ni jac
yerlewej: tska sa no exit ata
me: haha
yerlewej: ooh, you put the "person" thing sa comment..
me: yah
me: haha
yerlewej: actually, hndi ko nilagay sa comment ko sau yun
yerlewej: kasi i thought it was a one-to-one thing
yerlewej: sabi ko, bka magselos si jac
yerlewej: hahah! kasi she kept calling you her person kanina
me: haha. no. it's a philosophical topic we talked about during household overnight nung friday. you can have more than one person, apparently.
me: ideal though na magkaroon ng exclusive person. you know. top "person" niyo ang isa't isa
yerlewej: ooh. alright then. hahah! you'll be my constant person.
yerlewej: yeah.. actually
me: yay! i'm honored.
yerlewej: opcors..
yerlewej: joke.^_^
yerlewej: this is my promise to you
yerlewej: i mean, yung person thing
yerlewej: rather, my promise to myself
yerlewej:
me: i'll hold you to that.
me: lalagay ko 'to sa blog
yerlewej:
me: mwaha. i'll remove the first part
yerlewej: hahah! send me one, too.
yerlewej: kasi i accidentally closed the wondow
yerlewej: nawala yung previous messages
me: ok!
yerlewej: uhm, til what time mo balak mag-online?
yerlewej: meron kasi akong isesend na audio file
yerlewej: sooper cute sya
me: i'll be leaving soon. ate is pestering me. might come back though but i still have to verify..haha
me: ooooh!
yerlewej: actually, my ate is also pestering me
yerlewej: kanina pa
yerlewej: i try to remain firm. hahaah!
me: haha
me: i'm weak!!!
yerlewej: heheh.. actually, i'm weak din. kaso she already had d pc kaninang umaga/hapon
me: haha
me: yay! i have persons!!! woohoo!
me: *sanguine*

Day 18

i need to be honest about who i am; to take risks of getting hurt or misunderstood. i need to admit that i am human. i am not super! i get confused and angry. maybe the reason i'm so irritable is that it's my way of releasing the emotions bottled up inside me. in saying these things and sharing them with my spiritual family, i learn to develop trust, which is essential for spiritual growth.

Grey's Anatomy

i don't have a "person"! if i were in despair, who'd be there for me at absolutely any circumstance? i know God would be there, but isn't there a human too?

PS-i'm supposed to be studying. instead, i'm watching Grey's season 3. haha. huhu.

the art of letting go

Today marks a profound, though bittersweet, milestone for all of
us...

...as we bear witness to both an end and a beginning.

And while we must continue on, we must also be grateful to have
been blessed with someone who has so ably guided us to where we
are today.

When there has been so much love and happiness for someone, it
is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our
lives; for moving forward is rarely accomplished without
considerable grief and sadness.

And while our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear and
 the sun will shine on us again. And in that warm, bright light,
 we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future of
exciting challenges and infinite possibility, in which the horizon
 will stretch out before us, rimmed in the heavenly glow of the
sunrise of our tomorrow.

pretending to be summer

it has been quite a week. the last real entry i wrote was on April 17 and it was about starting a new life and how excited i was to be doing just that. ironically enough, i got to a bit of a slow start when it came to journal-writing and i hadn't been able to write what i wanted to. so, here's a recap:

i'm taking NatSci 5 and STS this summer. i'm not sure if taking the latter was a smart move because it requires a lot of work daily. however, i somewhat reluctantly decided to take it so i'd have more free time in the 1st sem which i hopefully can devote to service or something worthwhile. in STS, i'm with Jayson, Pau and AR. it's great because i haven't spent time with Pau and AR for most of the school year and they are a part of Gorgeous that i miss. i hope it turns out ok, the time i get to spend with them.

i also started tutoring last tuesday. it's been fun. i considered giving it up because i always have to go home late and because i predict that STS will be toxic. right now, however, i'm testing if i can make it. besides, i sort of see my former self in Jovy, in how we view God, and i really want to help reveal the true God to him because that truth has made all the difference in my life. btw, i got my 1st pay yesterday: P1,200! that's for 4 days. yay!

speaking of revealing God to others, that's something i decided i should do for the rest of Gorgeous., especially after Wednesday's worship @ the wall. I’ve been selfish, keeping the wonders of knowing God to myself, assuming that some are not “good” enough for it. I will let them decide. I’ll do my best and I pray that they do realize how much they want to love God too. Oh, Pau went to that worship! I think she really wants to just do right in her life and not think of past heartbreak. It’s true that we need suffering sometimes so we may be reminded of God’s presence and his great love for us, as was my case. Btw, Mapua has daily worship…I am a bit envious. I want to worship God too! But I guess there is more than one way of worshipping Him. That includes journal-writing, reading the Bible, praying, doing good, and even reading PDL. I hope I am honest in saying that I am trying to do all these. I’m now on my 4^th day of the PDL journey. My partner is Eric but the group also consists of Meedge, Har, Roni, Tin, and Jaq! Today, it reminded me of how life is only a preparation for eternity with God. Yesterday, it was about the importance of having a purpose life is driven towards. We talked about this @ CN tambayan and commented on how thankful we are that we’ve been given the chance to start getting to know God already.

So, I’ve talked about friends, acads, service. Family is sort of ok. My sisters and I got to bond a bit yesterday during ate cla’s birthday dinner at home. I really missed those moments although we did have our own version of that @ Room 4 J still not in best terms with...

God is like the wind. you can't see it, but you can feel it.

i finally watched "a walk to remember" again. the first time i did was years ago and, recently, i had been wanting to see it.

this shot was taken by kuya Jian (thanks for the pic!) on the trip back to metro manila from Bicol. ILC was a blast! watch out for an update.

"the end" precedes a new beginning

i'm almost through with my 2nd journal. i'm quite excited because it signifies a new beginning for me. when i first started writing over a year ago, my entries were mostly about me; about love and happiness and sorrow and hardships. now, i have come to realize that it is about God...my everything is about Him.

i know that i'm not perfect. in fact, i'm far from it. i am nothing. but through Him, i am becoming something. it has been quite a journey so far and i expect that God, awesome as He is, only makes it better as time progresses. i am giddy and excited at the thought of a new life; a life devoted to serving Him by serving everyone! i am excited at the thought of knowing and loving the Lord even more everyday and at the possibility of our relationship growing stronger. i am excited to live this life for Him.

so, what changes will occur in my new journal? it will start happy, for one. it will be about God and how He works in every moment of my life and yours. it will be about my struggle towards becoming a better person. most parts of my current journal (which is actually entitled Booster as well), towards the end, have been about that. the new one will no longer be named that. i'll have to think of something fitting.

i have much to do on this journey. read the Bible and other books. reflect and pray. worship. improve my relationship with others. listen and learn from others. think of God's greatness in every second of life. do well in all 5 areas, help others, improve my character, and so much more! it is a seemingly insurmountable task when i think about it, but i know that God is with me and supports me all the way. i can do all things through Him.

it has been a crazy 19 or so years. the past 5 months have been such a high and the past 1 year and 2 months have been quite a roller coaster ride. there have been highs, lows, twists, turns, pauses, peaks, screaming, puking, and just about everything else! and you know what, it has all been worth the while. life has never been this good. i have never experienced such a yearning for Him this way, a great thirst to serve Him. i admit that i'll probably be committing plenty of mistakes. however, i believe that the Lord is preparing me, that the Lord will make me able....

i'm a bit sleepy now. must make a list later....

the Lord is truly wonderful. He has given me, us, LIFE.

Kira, Myself, and Chia --> these were taken last 02/17/06

fresh out

i did some major spring cleaning a while ago. 6 hours of rummaging through piles of my junk and memories! it was tiring, yes. frustrating, definitely. but amidst all the confusion regarding how i was going to properly file my papers or cluster my accessories, i reminisced of fond memories. i found tons of old photographs and letters and bits of priceless keepsakes which my sisters fondly refer to as trash. i chanced upon an autograph book and realized that only one girl from my 4th grade clique remained my good friend (great friend actually). i also discovered only 1.75 years later that the butterfly chimes i got from iah's debut were glow-in-the-dark (i hung them in the study after i found them)! however, one of the most striking "lightbulb" moments occurred when i unearthed ate kathleen's kris kringle gift for me during the 1st year Christmas party @ CN.

it was a fluffy red box shaped like a perfect heart. on the lid is a cute little brown puppy. i remember the note that came with it. it said that one day, i'd fill the box with memories of my soulmate. i opened the box and found nothing. zip. not even a small fluff of dust. i placed it back in its christmas themed paper bag. then i tucked it back into my closet drawer. i remember how i used to take it out every once in a while, fantasizing. once, i placed a guitar string in it. after a while, i removed it. then, i contemplated putting a blank gift card in it but never did, wanting to make sure i wouldn't be removing it after a few months. to this day, i haven't dared to put anything in it. i had almost forgotten about it because i stopped taking it out of my closet for almost a year. and although i am fresh out of romance at the moment, i still hope that the thought and yearning will bloom into the real thing. if it is God's will, then i am sure it will be beautiful. if not, i'm ready. i can hack it (although i might be depressed at first). after all, i know that i can be a spoon even without a fork.


**this is probably typical of a girl who just transferred to a co-ed university from 11 years of exclusive all-girls schooling. i somehow thought that the NBSB status would change soon as there were guys available. well, i guess it's sort of my choice that i stayed this way right now. before, it was about finding the right person. that was a flop. now, the tables have turned. i want to become the right person first. although sometimes i do feel a bit desperate, 'coz i feel like i have eons to go before i get there. also, sometimes i think there are potential future GGs. haha. but then i just pull myself back by saying to myself that i don't want to need someone. i want to believe and prove that i am complete on my own. i mean, having someone say, "You complete me" to you is such a burden only Jesus could carry.

two way things

what the heck does it mean? i wrote it on my journal last April 1st..i can't remember what i meant by it. any ideas?

almost goodbye

I’m almost gone. Wrote a letter to ate di. Must write to others too.

I’m gonna miss everything about this place. From the little things like the weird food, common bathroom, plenty of storage space, sleeping on the top bunk, a real study area, instant hot drinking water (which I don’t drink anyway), my own pc...to the bigger things like freedom 'til 930pm, “independent” living, the relationships built here, HH. I’m gonna miss my roommates who, for most parts, showed me more kindness than my real family. My roommates and friends whom I can easily look to for help, my roommates who are always there for me, my roommates who are also my sisters.

However, I know that I must do this in order that one day, maybe my relationship with the people at home can be like such. It is time. Staying at Mary’s House has brought so many opportunities into my life: a taste of what a real family oughtta be, a glimpse of romance, a bit of independence, the lesson of responsibility. It gave me the chance to join YFC (which changed my life), to attend LIFE meetings. It taught me that the things that matter most in any problem is not the situation but the person involved. It taught me to act with concern and respect for others. I have learned to try to appreciate everything God has given me. And to think that these changes in my life might not have occurred ‘til much later in my life if not for such a teeny tiny small thing as dorming.

Now, i must move on. I have been called to serve where we must all learn to serve, and that place is called HOME. In my desperate attempt to escape that environment, I realized that things do not have to be at a certain level that leaves us unsatisfied. Rather, we must go through all odds to fight for that which is right and beautiful and awesome. So that we may grow, all of us, in His light and love.

Thank You, Lord.

iceberg

so much has happened in such a short span of time. Yesterday at around 510pm, I went to confession for the 1^st time since 4^th year HS. I had been feeling so guilty about being useless. All those years I though “why go to a priest when I could go directly to God?” I realized that I had never really known and loved God then, which is why I never really felt guilty and sorry for all the mistakes I did. But now that I am trying to get to know/love/serve the Lord, it struck me that all the “little” things I did against His will everyday hurt Him deeply. Much more than the “official” sin such as drinking alcohol or whatever. I felt so unworthy of His love but a brother told me that I had to believe I was worthy. Because God does. None of us, if we think about it, are truly worthy of His love. And yet He gave His life for us. And His sacrifice saves us and gorgives all our past, present, and future sins. So when I went to confession, I had no idea how to do it but did it anyway. And I am so happy because such a huge weight has been lifted. Right now I am trying to do my best in doing good and avoiding sin.

A while ago, our SE was such a success thanks to God. He provided for us so that we may be able to take BPs and test blood types. He loves us for love’s sake, no matter how undeserving we are. Isn’t that just great? May we learn to really realize that everyday is indeed a blessing and a miracle.

“Because He Himself was tested through what He suffered, He is able to help those who are being tested.” -Heb 2:18

one at last

I have tons to do but I just have to comment that this has been quite a week for me. Sure, I am worried about home visit. And yeah, I am still lazy. But this week has truly been a blessing. I’m learning to worship and serve God J to pay my taxes. Haha. I’m trying to strengthen my soul so that its yearnings may overcome those of my physical, only secondary self. I am a soul. I must learn to empower myself. I don’t want to keep giving in to my body—all that laziness is wasting me. I can be much more, do much more, serve much more. And I do want that. It should therefore be easy, yet it is not. Because all my life, I have learned to separate my body from my soul. I was just some body. Now, I am trying to merge these two at last. Only then can I be truly of service to God. Only then can I be happy. I love you, God. And I am extremely thankful that You have given me the chance to get to know You more and to be used by You more. I wanna be in heaven with You, even as I lie here on earth.

high, high, high!!

Well, it has certainly been an eventful weekend, to say the least. The submission of N107 CHN drafts, the puppy named Jack, the ulcer-ish, mefenamic acid-induced “high” during prayer meetings (how silly), trip to UP Diliman for research and lunch @ Rodic’s, my mom’s med school reunion. And then, instead of going to the concert, Chia and I just stayed at home since I was quite to sick for mosh pits. We spent the hours talking and making my visuals for implementation next week. It’s the 1^st time she ever stayed there for over an hour and I think it’s only the 2^nd time she’s been to my house! Haha! To think, we’ve been friends for almost 9 years. And then there was the fever. Then communion that was finally meaningful again. Oh, and this amusing crazy lady in church whose imaginary friend got squashed by this terrified couple. They moved to a different pew after 10 minutes.

But the really big news? *drumroll please* I finally told my mother that I loved her. She was lecturing and reprimanding again. I felt awful because I knew that she felt worthless, an inadequate housewife and mother. I felt awful because I knew that, somehow, I contributed to that. And I was and am truly sorry. I mean, how can you let someone as suicidal and overly dramatic as my mother know that she isn’t worthless and that she is, in fact, irreplaceable? You don’t. it makes you weak. Vulnerable. Well, I am weak and vulnerable and also overly dramatic (Maybe even more so. A bit neurotic too, actually, but that’s out of the picture). So I hugged her and blurted it out.

This is, to date, the most awkward thing I have ever done. And I bet it will remain to be so…perhaps more awkward than a 1^st kiss (yes, I haven’t had that either) or the 1^st time you make love with your husband (100% pure). It’s a bit ironic that we are unable to tell or show our loved ones how important they are to us. How much we, too, love them. It’s funny yet sad at the same time. It shouldn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to be this way. Yet it is.

We may not have the best relationship in the compound, let alone in the world, but she is my mother and she did raise me. Perhaps I am not her idea of a perfect child but I try to be a good person who’s true to herself and I believe that’s a daughter anyone would love and be proud of. I think she, with her strict and medieval ways, unintentionally raised me to be independent and ambitious, to be a person who tries to really live. She did that, and that makes her super!

erasures

I’m supposed to be doing tons of CHN paperwork. Instead, here I am. I’ve been bumming again recently and haven’t got a clue as to why. Maybe I feel like I’ve nothing to look forward to, which is kinda morbid. No, that’s not it. I don’t know why! But just in case it’s the romance blues, I think it’s time to take another step towards letting go. I shall deny myself from succumbing to any urge to see him or whatever. And now, I’m gonna erase some messages again.

June 16, 2006 18:51:57 à erase.

June 26, 2006 15:16:33 à erase.

And all those that follow à erase.

They’re all gone now. I just need to write the story and get rid of my umbrella. And probably some other stuff. Hide the letters or something. Maybe we’re never gonna be friends….

rebirth

The last minutes of my birthday

Last night, I wept. I let uncontrollable circumstances, bad moods, and awful schedules get to me. Instead of spending a happy dinner at home with my family, I spent the night mostly alone; eating, watching Grey’s Anatomy, crying in the bathroom, and trying to de-puff my eyes with a cooling eye mask. Let me tell you something, none of it did me any good….

Well, maybe except for one thing. I realized that although I may be far from being God’s perfect angel/servant/child, I have also come a long way. I have also tried my best to be so. I fell asleep knowing that God loves me and has truly blessed me. I fell asleep not at all fantasizing about the day to come, nor dreading it. I fell asleep thankful for everything. I fell asleep praying for everyone I know (or trying to. Darn memory). I feel asleep with conviction in God’s plan for me, whatever that may be.

Today was a happy day. Although there may be parts in my life I am not completely satisfied with, I have been given many opportunities to realize how blessed and loved I am. How instrumental I can be. I have my family and friends. I have my faith. I have my God…and that is all I could ever need or want.

Last night, I wept. Tonight, I will fall asleep with a big fat smile on my face and pure joy in my heart. There is peace, and the tears of the past nineteen years have been purged from my soul. Indeed, much has changed. It is 12 midnight.

good days

Good day today. BT @ ward, no bedside conference yet, lesson’s from Ma’m Pareja, finished labs by 6pm…lunch with myself @ Sinangag Php39! Nice chat with kim during N181 lec, saw most of my UPCN friends for the 1^st time this 2007, Prof. Maglaya telling me this hilarious intrigue about myself that she heard from someone, people congratulating me on my some-kind-of-pseudo fashion show, talking and greeting my dormmates… even the awkward 2-second moment bumping into him in front of the boy’s washroom seems funny. And I finally, finally deleted his ID pic and our one & only pic together from my palm.

Every day should be a good day J

….I don’t know if I read this in a book or saw it on TV: If you wake up everyday thinking of becoming this one thing then you are already it.

Today, I want to be an artist. I want to help people. I want to be a mother and wife. I want to write and do my visual art stuff during my free time. I want to be a good person. I want to be God’s child and servant. I want to experience joy and sorrow and pain and laughter and grief and love. I want to be on earth now, then go to heaven later. I want to live, die, then live again.