Bipolar

You ever get to a point in your life when you feel like you have nothing to live for?  You're not terribly troubled, no.  But you've lost passion for life, and the things you once enjoyed now hold no happiness for you.
This might be one of my greatest fears.  To wake up and neither dread nor look forward to anything that would happen that day.  To wake up and just go through the motions.  To have everything yet dream of nothing.  To be a zombie.

And this was exactly how i felt just a couple of days ago.  Blame it on PMS (that's pre-menstrual syndrome, for you boys out there), on an almost impossible amount of work that left this responsible girl feeling guilty during the few times she'd take breaks to have bits of heart-to-hearts with friends, on missed opportunities, on seemingly irreparable relationships, on unattainable dreams.  Blame it on everyone and everything except the actual culprit.

So what do you do when you've deluded yourself into thinking that life has lost its meaning?  Do you give up in the way you know how?  Numb yourself with an overdose of material riches--gadgets, shoes, cars, stuffed toys even?  Pretend like everything's just peachy?  Take it out on the people around you?  End your life and, with it, the disappointment and misery?

I've been to points in my life when I've felt tired and frustrated and just about questioned the meaning of life itself.  But each time, I make the decision to stay and find out.

don't know why...

...i feel empty





but i know that He wants to reveal something to me.  so even these empty, yearning moments are something to cherish.

can you love me falling?

and can i love you falling?

naivete

if he holds your hand, does that mean he loves you?

treasure hunt

find yourself before you start looking for the one.

or find Him before you start looking for him.

just a thought.  i'm 23 years old and most of the people i know are about the same age.  you don't need to have studied Erikson's psychosocial stages to know that intimacy is on the minds of almost everyone (unless they're workaholics, in which case intimacy with their cubicles is more likely the reigning thought). i encounter many conversations revolving around this topic quite often, and that usually tends to suck me into the big black vortex of self-pity at my state of single-hood.

don't get me wrong--dating is fun.  i was exclusively dating someone for 5 months until the last couple of months (that or i may have misconstrued the friendly dates for something more) and i had a blast during those times.   but the truth is, its' not gonna work out if you haven't found yourself, or worse, your God yet.  you'll end up relying on the other person for your happiness and all other sorts of things.  and if you don't scrutinize the relationship deep enough, you'll have dug your own graves before you know it, and you'll be in too deep to climb out.

this is a reminder to put first things FIRST.  search for God first. date Him first. make Him your lover first.  then everything will fall into its proper place (though probably not all at the same time, mind you).

snail

do you ever feel like you have problems that you've been trying to solve for centuries but the solutions seem to come at a snail's pace?

this is how i feel about my family.  sometimes i start to doubt whether things will ever work out.  sometimes i wonder if giving up my service would make it easier for the rest of my family.  i'd do it, if that's what it took.  but above all, i wonder if it's more important for the Lord that i persevere in this mission or that i focus all my energies on my family instead.

i'm a wonder girl.

is this a ranting blog?

i just realized. it seems i go to this page when i have something i need to get off my chest but can't yet find a living thing to offload my frustrations unto. so here i go again!

i'm feeling a bit left out.  everybody is at this training event and will be there for a few more days.  they're all posting on FB about how incredible the experience is.  i've heard them all talk before about how this annual program really brings them closer to each other.  and i feel left out because i've never been to it.  i know i'm not technically a part of the core group which attends the event, but only because i missed the training.  yet i know in my heart that i serve just as much.  everybody keeps telling me that "parang MV ka na rin".  but then i'm not treated in the same way.  i want to serve and i want to get to know these people better too.  i'm terribly curious about what happens inside that house! i just don't understand why i have to be left out because of a mere technicality and why nobody ever bothered to help clarify this.

it's probably my fault too.  when i got that message about the training more than a year ago, i should've asked them what it was for and what it's implications were, instead of just shrugging it off.  but why am i so fixated on this?  does it mean that much to me?

stupid mouth

why the hell would a guy tell a girl about a crush who recently got in a relationship? why would he talk about how he thought the girl needed more time, having just broken up with her last boyfriend three months ago? why would he say all these things if he and his audience had been sort of dating?

or were they?

delubyo

why is it that i can think of several people with whom i can share my joys, but i can't seem to find one person to approach whenever something is really frustrating me?


how can a person feel so isolated in a congested world of six billion people?

is there something wrong with me? have i done anything wrong in the past that prevents me from sustaining nurturing friendships?

the Boss and the Creation Paradigm

Lord, i don't know what to do with my life! well, actually, i do.  i know why i'm here, i know what i'm supposed to do--i just can't seem to find a way to do it!

i know i need to wait patiently, graciously for You.  i know Your help will come.  i just wanted to tell you how i felt.  but even if i don't know precisely what will happen today or tomorrow or next month or next year, i am certain that You are always Boss, and You will always have your kids' backs.

***after writing this in my journal 12 seconds ago, i suddenly remembered something i learned back in college--arguably one of THE most important lessons, actually.  my professor refers to it as the Creation Paradigm.  she taught me not to settle for what seems possible or feasible, but to do whatever it takes to make the impossible dream a reality.  to create our perfect world.  that's what You and i are gonna do, right? ;)

isolation

have you ever felt so terrible but didn't have a single person you felt you could talk to about something?

right?

i have the right to be angry, right?
because i sort of am.  well, just upset really. hurt maybe. it's silly actually, but because it's someone who's (unfortunately) quite important to me, it has blown up into a big deal. in my head, at least.

the past few years, i've really tried to emphasize how my birthday isn't about me.  i'm just like everybody here, nothing special.  i think what ought to be celebrated on one's birthday is maybe the reason why we're here in the first place.  so that was what i did.  this year, well, i've been trying to do that all year round (note: trying), so i figured i also needed to do something for me.  not necessarily luxurious or anything, just the simple things that i don't get to do but are still part of why i'm here.

so i shouldn't really mind that this person has not yet greeted me (note the date).  but it is a bit sad because birthdays are when people tell you how wonderful you are, how happy they are you were actually born in the first place so they had the chance to meet you, all that crap.  at least, that's what they do when you mean something to them...

right?