nevertheless perfect

i was writing in my journal just now, counting the leaves remaining (only 16 left!) until i would have to switch to a new one.  i anticipate that day with both excitement and apprehension.  the former because, well, naturally! haha.  i'm excited because whenever i write in my journal, it usually signifies a strong emotion or insight or idea and, reardless of the mood of the entry, it's still something to be grateful for.  it means i'm alive and i still have the energy to write about all these things, to remind myself later on.  although, at times, the absence of entries can also be a good thing.  i recall moments when i've just been so overwhelmed with activities and what-have-you's (both in a positive and negative sense), that i haven't had the time to write about them.  there is also a slight feeling of apprehension.  right now, it's mainly because i love my golden (literally) journal so much and i know that when the pages are filled, i'll be switching to a simpler, green one.  the latter is a gift from a really good friend, and i really appreciate his gesture.  but the former, a present from my eldest sister last Christmas, just makes me smile every time i take it out of my bag.  it's really a shallow reason but, hey, i'm allowed to be superficial once in a while, right?

while counting the remaining pages, i chanced upon older entries in my journal as well.  sometimes, i like to do a random flip and read whatever is written on that page.  if i like what i read, i'll keep going.  this time, i read my entries from late June 2010 to early July.  they were all so bright and hopeful and positive.  July 8 was even described as a perfect day.  I couldn't help comparing such to my more recent entries, some of which are abundantly peppered with heavy sighs and complaints and uncertain endings. so, i've decided to do something about it.

i declare: this day, and every day hence, will be a perfect day.

valley

haaay. today, i hate you. well, i don't HATE you. but i can't concentrate right now, and i feel it's because of you.  yes, i'm blaming you hahaha.  i know, i know, it's really my own fault.

haay, Lord. SOS.  there's nothing i can do about that right now, it's wholly up to You.  if it's not in Your plan to do something about it now, please help me focus on what can be done at the moment instead.  like my work, for instance.  or the character profile i'm supposed to be developing.  or the book i'm supposed to be editing. or the million other things i planned on accomplishing before i got distracted by all the butterflies fluttering in the room.

a simple wish

i was writing for my other blog when i suddenly realized that there's something i really want to do now, more than anything else in the world, and that is this:


Abbie Cornish as Fanny Brawne in BrightStar

i want this more than anything right now, seriously.  i'd trade all my 2010 Christmas presents for a day spent lying on a beautiful bed of flowers, with a canopy of trees above my head. yes, i would love that very much.  anybody know where i can find a place like this in the country (better if in Luzon or even Metro Manila)?  i'd settle for different flowers, or even fresh green grass.  i would just like some peace right now, and time to breathe and rest and think and pray and appreciate the beauty of this world.

nearness

"Where can I run from Your love?"

The song is my inspiration for today.  I hit quite a high the last two weeks that I was bound to return to my bipolar roots one of these days.  Of course, I’m still trying to keep in mind the lessons and realizations and emotions that made me feel so great in the first place, but I cannot really control what happens around me—I can only try to control myself, and even that doesn’t work according to plan most of the time.  Today, for instance, I’m back on the ground and find that I still have to face the same issues that I have been contending with the past few months.  I have a dispassionate relationship with my work and my word is keeping me hostage here.  I have a love-hate relationship with my family.  I am burdened with insecurities and inadequacies.  I am a prisoner of this dark, deeply troubled world.  And though I am so blessed with people who sincerely care for me, I still cannot help feel lonely at one point or another.

Yet, in spite of all this, I have the grace and strength to stay positive.  It's because of You.  No matter what happens, I know You are right beside me.  If I have problems with my relationships, You're always there to hold me tight.  If I feel as if I can no longer stomach the tasks at hand, You cheer me on and find ways to make it worth my while.  When I feel so insufficient, You give me so much, that I may have more than what I need.  When I'm scared and lost, You light the way for me.  When I cannot stand being with myself, You remind me of who I truly am.  You're always here, always near.

60 hours of waiting

was i wrong to do that?  i certainly hope not. 

i think the coming weeks will certainly be an exercise in patience and self-control and faith.

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strenght; they shall mount up with wings like eagles.  They shall run and not be wear.  They shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

Romans 5:5

"With gracious uncertainty, we can be confident in our expectations, knowing our hope in the Lord will not disappoint."

patience, dear.

milestone (and a red box with a puppy on top and letters inside)

thursday all day, while at the BON Nursing Roadmap meeting
friday night, while having Korean dinner with jill, dianne, kara, chen, ginny
saturday super early morning, when i got home
saturday night
sunday morning, noon, and night

i'm sure this doesn't make sense to any of you (indeed if there are any of you reading this), but that's just how i like it.  i just felt the need to shout it out without really explaining what i'm saying.  it's between me and myself.  just help me pray for this, please, whatever it is or isn't :D

hella good

i had a great week and i sure hope this coming one surpasses it! not much has changed, to be honest. but i'm feeling more positive. i'm trying to look at where i am now through a different perspective. i'm trying to go out of my way to spend more quality time with my loved ones, and even get to know people whom i never really cared to hang out with much before. i'm resurrecting my mission to try to bring even a bit of goodness to every interaction. i'm trying to focus on what's really essential in life, and shake off all those worldly distractions.

this generation is so preoccupied with achievements, with results--and i'm no exception. but, thanks to a conversation with a super new friend, i realized that all i really want to accomplish in my life is be at peace with the people i love, and to try to do something good for the universe, even if it were so inconsiderable that no one would know. that's it. i've been trying to live that way the past few days and i always end up quite content when the day ends and i rest my head on my pillow. mind you, there've been some minor slips too, but nothing unforgivable or immensely terrible. it seems i just needed reminding that You are all that matters.

some sort of encouragement

"Writing is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as the headlights, but you make the whole trip that way." -E.L. Doctorow, writer (b. 1931)

the plunge

a while ago, i was chatting with my sister about the recent events back at home, when our conversation inadvertently led to a discussion about our future career plans.  my sister is making quite a living as a CPA in the Caribbean but plans to return to her big love--culinary arts--mid-2011.  i'm sure that although she finds auditing interesting, nothing beats cooking and eating in her book, and i think it's only natural for her to finally yield to the desires of her heart, especially now that she's much much more financially stable. 

i, on the other hand, find myself at a forked road.  indeed, for years now, i have merely stood at the bifurcation, torn between the various and incredibly opposing choices towering over me.  i have gone only as far as taking a few steps down one road, only to run back to the middle and try the other one, before going back again.  i have been shuffling, yes, and now find that all my efforts and energy was ill-spent, since i am more or less still at the place where i was before.

i don't know if i'm surprised to find that i am still afraid, to be honest.  even after so many debates and pep talks, tears and prayers and unbearably uncomfortable moments, i still keep looking back--i still can't let go.  or maybe i've chosen the road to take after all, and it has led shortly to a cliff that i must jump off of.  gruesome images of my head hitting the rocks, of drowning, of sharks gnawing my bony limbs enter my mind. so maybe i'll crawl towards the edge first, then just contentedly sit there and dangle my legs.  i desensitize myself to that feeling of not having any ground under one's feet, trying to enjoy being in between two worlds at one moment.  i lie down, feet still dangling over the cliff, and i savor how the jagged rocks cut through my back, how the sky looks as the clouds and the light play with each other, how the air cools my skin, and how the sun warms my face and blinds my eyes.  i listen to nothing, then to everything--to the sound of giant waves crashing against solid rock; to the flock of birds that pass by above; to the calming wind;  and to my own deep breaths. 

i stay here for some time--for as long as i need to.  i stay here until i cannot stand it any longer.  then, i get up.  i turn 360 degrees, trying to take in everything.  i scuffle slowly, slowly, carefully, towards the edge.  i utter a quick, urgent prayer.  i take a huge breath.  and then...

i take the plunge.

PS - if i were ever brave enough to jump of a real cliff and not merely a metaphorical one (although there is nothing mere about even a metaphorical cliff, when you think about it), this seems like a lovely choice, don't you agree? mind you, i'd have to travel all the way to Ireland just to do so.  maybe there are more feasible options in Batanes or Palawan :)

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland

purposes vs. problems

what can i do for you? how can i please you?

real vs. ideal

i'm currently debating with myself whether to stay 22 1/2 years old or not.  and no, i am not referring to the use of botox and a gazillion wrinkle creams to achieve this.  it's just that i've been seeing more and more examples of how most adults deal with their lives and all sorts of situations, and i don't want in on any of the pretentiousness, and hypocrisy, and suppression of emotions and thoughts, and acting in a way that is easier or more acceptable as opposed to how you truly want to or should.  but now that i think of it, 22 is probably not the best age either. i mean, i'm still so confused with my life and, sad to say, actually quite helpless to deal with situations at times. well, not helpless, just afraid to act probably.  i think i'm turning into a real adult in that sense.

what makes an adult real? and what makes him ideal?  my absolute favorite ideal adult character in literature has got to be either the dad in To Kill A Mockingbird or even Dumbledore in Harry Potter. hahahahah. but seriously.  they are my gold standard.  and what i love about these two is that, even though they are fictional and the latter is even a homosexual wizard, they still seem quite real.  like, they're not ridiculously or impossibly kind-hearted, moral, and level-headed; it just seems so at times cause we've been accustomed to the adult figures we have in real life.

a couple of nights ago, i realized how thankful i was, nonetheless, that most of the adults in my life were not exactly up to par with Dumbledore.  it made me see how badly i wanted to avoid being like that--and now i have a renewed determination to live my life with integrity, and according to the beliefs and values i cherish.  it's no easy feat, for sure.  i fail at even the smallest tests of character, frustratingly enough.  but i figured, i don't want to stop trying.  i think that's the only difference between real adults and ideal ones.  it's not that the latter is innately better than the former--they are just relentless in their attempts of being better than who they are now.  and that's what i want to devote my life to trying to accomplish.

***i've got a ton of decisions to make right now.  as some of you may know, i've been seriously considering leaving my job--that is, if my boss will let me (gotta dig out that pseudo contract). anyway, there are so many factors to consider, my mind is just about to explode! and after a minor breakdown last tuesday, i still am in no better position to deal with the situation. gaaaah. SOS