beauty in simplicity

no duty today because of the wannabe coup. poor Manila Pen. anyway, i'm actually quite said that there isn't night duty today because i was really looking forward to being with one of the nurses @ 7RCB. i'm quite infatuated with her (not in the weird way. haha). it's just that i don't know many people like her. she's simple, intelligent, responsible, kind, supportive, and trusting. she doesn't bitch about other people, doesn't gossip at all. if she can't say anything nice, she still doesn't speak ill of others, even when they are perhaps deserving. she's not boring, yet she doesn't overpower with her personality. at duty, she really shows that she is a nurse, above everything. she doesn't try to grab attention with her silly antics, much unlike myself. she really knows that it's not about her, and i think that is so uncommon these days; we tend to make everything about ourselves. but no, not her. there is true beauty in her simplicity and dedication, and i really admire that. i hope that one day, the same can be said about myself.

brighter!

Lord, thank you for making the prayer meeting a success. there were a few glitches, but all the essentials were there and that is more than enough. Father, i really realized a lot from worship: that you brought me here to help cure the pains and hurts of the people. that you don't want me to be perfect but are asking me to try and do my best. i'm so lucky because you are in my life, you are the meaning and purpose of my existence.

a quote from a good friend:
"Life is really not perfect. but it can be more than perfect depending on how you look at it."

true.

sensibilities

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

just the one

Lord, i kn0w that there's a reason you separated me from my HH. i've realized that they are my only really close friends and perhaps it is time i form more meaningful relationships with others. it's time i opened up to them, please you through these relationships, tell more people about you and show them how great you are. it's also a challenge to improve myself, to become more acceptable and lovable without changing my essence; to do away with the awful imperfections but keep the quirks which distinguish myself from others. i hope to glorify you, Father. i'm quite terrified of what's to come, but i know that if i just learn to trust you, everything will be where it should be.

iCry

i'm sorry if i burst out on you, ma. but right now, i am hurting because of you guys. i think i may never look at you the same way again. i think a part of me has forever given you up, my family; has stopped hoping for your love, believing i will never receive it. i feel your love for me right now is more of a fulfillment of duty. there is no affection, no understanding, no acceptance.

oh, i pray to God that it won't be a vicious cycle. man, i've got a lot of guesswork and trial&error phases when i have my own family. please, let me be a loving person. please give me the strength and grace to love unconditionally. right now, i can't even look at my mother nor speak two words to her. literally. it's difficult because the selfish part of me is no longer willing to love them as much, knowing that i most probably love them more than they love me. and usually, that shouldn't be the case, right? it should be equal. or isn't there a saying that nobody can beat a mother's love? well..i just found a family to disprove that theory. Father, please heal me. allow the hurt to go away. i know that eventually i will have to love them without expecting or demanding anything in return. it's how You were to us, after all.

it pains me that i have to ask

all my life, i've had to ask for things to get them. i've almost always been the one to initiate things...like a little girl who has to ask for a Christmas present. and sometimes, she gets what she asked for. there have also been more insulting moments when she doesn't. but what she really longs for is something that cannot be bought or requested. what she wants is for just one person to know her well enough, to love her enough so that that person would willingly give something to her, something sincere, true, beautiful. somethings she doesn't have to ask for...i just want to be loved in such a way that i do not have to ask someone to love me. we all want to be understood, to be loved...and we all deserve to be so.

the giving tree

pardon my selfishness and immaturity, Father. right now i'm frustrated at both myself and my parents. i might just be jealous because i don't get the luxuries i want and am really frustrated because they give him everything when he doesn't even work his ass off for it. he just has to whine a little bit, let out a few tears...and i, no matter how much i try, will never be able to completely please them! they will never appreciate what i do or accomplish. it's just frustrating! and the fact that they deny treating him with a lot more favor infuriates me and makes me want to bang my head on the wall a couple million times. i hate that they make excuses for their behavior. they are parents, adults! they should know better. no consistency and logic in child-rearing at all (i know, it's a miracle i'm this fabulous). i just had to get away because i might burst and no matter how rational my defense would be, they'd just find a way to turn it around and make me look like the lone psycho. and you know what? i am! i'm definitely over-acting here. but the thing is, it's been going on for so long, i just can't contain it any more. i know i'm being selfish. it it were Jesus, He'd understand and accept it, do more precious things with his time than mope in the Trinoma foodcourt. i do understand. however, i just can't stop how i'm feeling at the moment. at least i made some effort to be decent and avoid conflict by getting away, right? i just want to cry. because i hate knowing that i am less loved, less appreciated by my own parents. but even though this is so, i thank You, Lord, for reminding me that You are with me, that You love me unconditionally and equally among my brothers and sisters. i find peace knowing that. and yes, i do long for even just one person, someone who will love me in the way that i know i deserve to be loved. but for now, Your love is more than sufficient.

Captivating

"a woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become"

i've realized that one thing that hinders my relationships with other people is because i try to change them too much. i think differently and believe i am right so i try hard to convert other people's beliefs and ideas as well. good intentions, yes. but perhaps the wrong approach. say your peace then stop, Kat. don't force it unless entirely necessary. maybe, in time, you'll both discover the answer.