DISCLAIMER

if you ever chance upon this blog, i must warn you now before you read anything else.  this can get really mushy.  i like to document random thoughts, emotions, insights, etc here, usually at the heat of the moment.  so please excuse the excessive amounts of drama and corniness that ensues.  read at your own risk. and remember, you do it out of your own volition.

whatever

i'm quite stressed and exhausted right now--and i don't think it's just because of last weekend's back-to-back physical activities (Hwa Rang Do on Saturday, 3k run on Sunday).  i think work is getting to me again.  you know how some people say that they love their work so much that they'd do it even if they didn't get paid? well, i haven't been paid in more than a month and am feeling very grouchy these days, which may mean that i don't love my work.  it's not the pay, really, although that helps.  the only real reason i'm here is because i made a deal with my boss that i'd see the project through--she's an amazing person and i don't want to make things difficult for her any more than they need to be.  even if i'm screaming inside.  maybe it's selfish of me to be thinking of what i want and how i feel but, i figured, my not wanting to be here isn't good for anybody.  obviously it sucks for me.  but it also doesn't bring any benefits for the project or my boss--i feel like it's a lose-lose situation because they're not getting the utmost quality of work out of me either.

health policy research, like nursing, is an admirable and noble career.  but maybe i'm just not meant to be admirable or noble.  and no matter how many lives are improved and saved because of these fields, that doesn't change the fact that i have neither the passion nor the skill for it.  i'd love to promote and advocate for the same causes (and more)--but i want to do it my way.

research is mostly about numbers and volumes--it's about the facts.  yes there's still the qualitative type, but somehow i feel that it can't be personal.  it has to be wholly unbiased, empirical.  but me being egocentric and all, i can't avoid giving my own two cents' worth.  maybe not explicitly, but it has to be there.  and i can't be impersonal.  that just isn't who i am.  i don't want to follow a rigid set of rules to come up with a solution--i want to find my own way of doing things.  i guess that's why i'm unhappy with what i'm doing now...i feel like i'm in a cage.  and nobody can say that it's fun to be in one, even if it's all sparkly and comfy and has everything you need.  you still want to get out of there. 

i want to get out of here.

debate

CHASING PAVEMENTS

I've made up my mind
No need to think it over
If I'm wrong I ain't right
No need to look no further
This ain't lust
This is love but

If I tell the world
I'll never say enough
Because it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I'm in love with you

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I'd build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wait then as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?



**this is a few years old.  i've always really liked this song but never gave a thought to what it meant.  then i started singing it in my head a while ago and started to realize that this is how i'm feeling at the very moment.  i feel like this right now towards two aspects of my life. i really need to shake this off.