fresh out

i did some major spring cleaning a while ago. 6 hours of rummaging through piles of my junk and memories! it was tiring, yes. frustrating, definitely. but amidst all the confusion regarding how i was going to properly file my papers or cluster my accessories, i reminisced of fond memories. i found tons of old photographs and letters and bits of priceless keepsakes which my sisters fondly refer to as trash. i chanced upon an autograph book and realized that only one girl from my 4th grade clique remained my good friend (great friend actually). i also discovered only 1.75 years later that the butterfly chimes i got from iah's debut were glow-in-the-dark (i hung them in the study after i found them)! however, one of the most striking "lightbulb" moments occurred when i unearthed ate kathleen's kris kringle gift for me during the 1st year Christmas party @ CN.

it was a fluffy red box shaped like a perfect heart. on the lid is a cute little brown puppy. i remember the note that came with it. it said that one day, i'd fill the box with memories of my soulmate. i opened the box and found nothing. zip. not even a small fluff of dust. i placed it back in its christmas themed paper bag. then i tucked it back into my closet drawer. i remember how i used to take it out every once in a while, fantasizing. once, i placed a guitar string in it. after a while, i removed it. then, i contemplated putting a blank gift card in it but never did, wanting to make sure i wouldn't be removing it after a few months. to this day, i haven't dared to put anything in it. i had almost forgotten about it because i stopped taking it out of my closet for almost a year. and although i am fresh out of romance at the moment, i still hope that the thought and yearning will bloom into the real thing. if it is God's will, then i am sure it will be beautiful. if not, i'm ready. i can hack it (although i might be depressed at first). after all, i know that i can be a spoon even without a fork.


**this is probably typical of a girl who just transferred to a co-ed university from 11 years of exclusive all-girls schooling. i somehow thought that the NBSB status would change soon as there were guys available. well, i guess it's sort of my choice that i stayed this way right now. before, it was about finding the right person. that was a flop. now, the tables have turned. i want to become the right person first. although sometimes i do feel a bit desperate, 'coz i feel like i have eons to go before i get there. also, sometimes i think there are potential future GGs. haha. but then i just pull myself back by saying to myself that i don't want to need someone. i want to believe and prove that i am complete on my own. i mean, having someone say, "You complete me" to you is such a burden only Jesus could carry.