no to dinner, thank you

We’re at Highlands steakhouse right now. me, Charlie, Mom and Dad.

I hate fakes. And I hate being fake. I hate wasting, and this is a perfect example of that. I am not in the mood to eat this kind of food. I am not in the mood to spend for food that can be prepared at home for a fraction of the cost. I’d rather spend it on important things like saving up for a plane ticket outta here, or a laptop or camera, tickets to a great film…I wish I can just chuck out all this pretentiousness. I’d rather give that money to the poor and spend a comfortable dinner at home. Yeah, that’s exactly it. When I have a family and we go out, it’ll be special. Something everyone’s in the mood for, something we all agree on. We won’t do it often so it’ll be appreciated, and the value of such opportunities will be rightly appraised. And whenever that day comes, I’ll give them a choice: to use it for ourselves or for the poor…of course, greater rewards if they choose the former, but not immediate though. Just like life. Great riches are stored in heaven for those who think of others before themselves.

In the meantime…Lord, please give me the patience to deal with them, give me the grace to show them what must be done. For if not I, then who will do it?

goodnight, goodbye, goodluck!

Tonight was the last time I’d be saying “goodnight” to my ate Tin. This is it. She and Charlton are actually leaving. Their plane will depart 8pm later…then they’ll be off searching for greener pastures @ British Virgin Islands. She’ll be at London for around 2 hours too! That’s cool.

Earlier this evening, ate Con and I bought her a parting present, a dress I knew she’d love. And in the flurry of cash, hangers, and wonderfully made local products, I had once again forgotten the situation. I haven’t seriously contemplated the whole thing. I also haven’t written since Friday so it’s only beginning to really sink in now. I was the first one with whom she talked about BVI, the first to know she was accepted. I was quite aware of all the processes she went through so she’d be ready to go. I watched her take the suitcases from the top shelf. I found myself hypnotized by the whole packing rituals as well. In fact, I even helped her to decide which to bring or leave behind, as well as bring the suitcases down the flight of stairs. Yet I never thought this day and time would actually come. I had to put off the whole reality and now, the time’s caught up with me; there is no escape.

Imagine my surprise when we found out there was a despedida party 2 hours after it started, when most of the guests had already gone. I feel awful that ate con and I missed ate tin’s last dinner in the country for a bunch of clothes. They were great clothes, but still just clothes nonetheless. However, I am delighted that ate tin really liked the dress.

On my way out of the room, I said goodnight, yet none of them seemed to have heard me, being preoccupied with their own businesses, and thus, no one greeted me back. After 7 seconds of having left the room, I went back, pretending to look for something. Then I remembered that ate tin’s new dress was in need of a brooch, so I volunteered to give her the one I made a long time ago: my only brooch, my favorite brooch; the brooch that could be all classy or edgy, like myself (I presume). I hope that she finds much satisfaction in having it and remembers me by it.

I’m afraid I’m not ready to say goodbye. I never told her how much I love and appreciate her, how much I’ll miss her (especially the tummy-pampering). I never told her about God and life and living for a purpose. I regret not having told her all these things as often as I could. Yet, I rejoice in the knowledge that God has given me the means to do what must still be done, what can still be done. Though I do not have as much time as I would’ve wanted, there is just enough for God’s will. MUST WRITE A LETTER BEFORE SHE LEAVES.

After attaching the brooch to her white blazer, I said my “goodnight”. This time, I heard ate Tin murmur a sleepy “goodnight” back.

living on the edge

well, not quite. i've been bumming for the past two days now. and because i'm still high from all the ocean and swordfights and swashbuckling humor, i kept searching for information on how the actors got their roles in the Pirates movies. there are rumors of a fourth one and i would be comme un fou to get even close to the Caribbean seawater. okay, i know, awful grammar. haha. anyway. so, i saw these casting websites with free trials and i registered in them! haha. just for fun. you never know right? anyway, when are we going to have good, mainstream films in the Philippines? i'm tired of the old superhero slash improbable romance flicks they've been showing.

i think this is what i need to do to keep myself close to sane, especially when school starts...you know, bury myself in all this art stuff. i'm resuming my advanced sewing classes at the Fashion Institute of the Philippines tomorrow. my last project. it better be great. i'm praying for it. haha. then, i'll be investing in dvds and vcds of my favorite movies (the real stuff), as well as movie and play tickets. i'm gonna search for a copy of the books Johnny mentioned on tv. then i'll try harder with "the artist's way" soon after i finish PDL. oh, my design gig with pau. mustn't forget that. and i have to sketch my children's book since altered books aren't easy to get published. oh my! i've got so much to do!

bondage

i'm spending some time alone with my room. we really need to bond more. seriously. it's mostly in this room where i'll be reflecting, praying, studying (just a little of that), writing, reading, and dreaming. it's a pretty big deal! no, it most definitely is not Room 4...but it can be the new "it" room. i just have to commit myself to making it so.

i haven't read PDL in a while. put it on hold for STS. Lord, i really hope i did well in it. i hope my classcard doesn't get lost either, on account of me submitting it very late. i pray that we all pass so our efforts weren't in vain.

oh, and i reallyy need to make this place more of a home too. spread the love!

*officially in jack sparrow heaven*

just came home after watching Pirates of the Caribbean. it strengthens my resolve even more. i no longer feel silly for wanting to act. God wants me to and that makes me so ecstatic! i read in the newspaper a while ago about Reggie Lee, Chow Yun Fat's sidekick in the movie. apparently, he's a filipino making it in Hollywood! he started out with musicals in LA at the age of 18. now he's in movies and TV series. isn't that great?

i love acting. i love movies and would absolutely want to contribute to that whole experience. i want to communicate to the audiences, be a part of something wonderful, something that makes people and dreams come to life! i wanna make them feel happy or heartbroken or angry or depressed or adventurous or desperate or crazy or in love. i think a great movie has its part in helping people from all over the world understand each other: the cultures, the family, the situation, problems and joys, trials and failures, dreams and wishes and fears. i want to help inspire people in becoming whatever it is they want to be, in the same way the screen has inspired me...

i can't remember how long i've wanted to act. all i know is, whenever i watch a movie, i read a book, or even listen to music, i've always pictured in my head how the scene would take place. Lord, i understand now. please help me so i may accomplish what You ask of me.

*is it a coincidence that the first and last ride i got on in disneyland was Pirates? maybe it's destiny. hahaha.

Day 32: Using what God gave you

Lord, i am so excited for the changes that will soon take place in my life through Your will. You do deserve my best, Lord.

a reason for everything

i don't feel so good. lots of acad stuff to do. it is extremely difficult to continue doing these things especially now that i know what i will sort of be doing with my life after college--and it's not professional nursing. but this is the price i have to pay in exchange for discovering myself and my God; for discovering true friends and my wonderful spiritual family. 4 years of terribly hard work. it is very costly. however, i would not change the way God has tinkered with my life if i could because it has been and will continue to be worth it. every zit and every tear, every drop sweat or blood, every hurt, every failure...

i am so blessed to have been called by You.

another reason i don't feel great? well, i can't publish that. but here's what i think. an excerpt from the confidential journal entry. don't think i'm bigheaded though...

why does this always happen? there's this whole type of people who always disappoint me. because of some silly things they did, i have to restrict myself, be all stiff and unlike me at all just to drive them away. i don't like having to drive poeple away! i like friends. but i can't see any other option. Lord what must i do?

i think some people are selfish. if what you have to say and the way you express it is all wrong, it could ruin a relationship. sometimes we have to learn to make the effort to think. we have to pray for what must be done. if we don't, if we rely on our own capabilities, our instincts, we'll surely be messed up. it's about what's right. not if we can no longer bear the pain of keeping mum. suffering and self-discipline are important too, after all. remember: think. don't be selfish. reflect on how every action will affect your relationship with yourself, your God, and other people. we have to weigh things carefully before making a decision. that is unless you know God is urging you to do something spontaneously and maybe even a bit irrational or crazy. otherwise, you must pray. if it really is from Him, then do it! that is called "taking a leap of faith" :)

it's 951am. i believe God is commanding me to study now.

i love dried mangoes. but...

katrina_pattina: omg! this is the 1st time i've seen you online
ericson paraguya: omg
katrina_pattina: http://antithesisoffelicity.blogspot.com/
katrina_pattina: read!!!
katrina_pattina: hey, you don't have class right? but can we still worship? i miss it..i'm sort of experiencing a..uhm..drought right now. spiritual-wise
ericson paraguya: how?
katrina_pattina: tuesday?
katrina_pattina: what do u mean "how"?
ericson paraguya: how dry? have no class. ah i hav a recent problem na ishare sau but let's text nalang no call. a problem here... ergo, not sure ako sa tuesday.
katrina_pattina: wednesday?
katrina_pattina: thursday?
katrina_pattina: like alarmingly dry. for me ha.
ericson paraguya: wednesday ok kasi punta ako skul
ericson paraguya: i pray for u... be strong.

c'mon. rain, please. just a little.

i prayed this morning. real prayer. just a teardrop maybe. but i am learning to pray more for others and less for myself. i know that before i take any actions, i should ask God for help 1st, so i don't make any more mistakes which could have been avoided.

old, alone, done for...not me! that's captain hook!

i'm at Tang City right now. about to eat lunch on my own. it's ok. sometimes we have to be alone. i'm almost nearing striking a balance. there's a bit of sadness that i'm alone right now though, wanting to improve my relationships with others (thanks to PDL). but i guess we also need time to think to ourselves so we have good stuff for conversation. we just need to reflect so that we will also be in touch with ourselves, as much as we are with our friends and family.

Day 20

i just realized, i haven't been praying a lot. at all, actually. i need to follow the official prayer time, even if it would interrupt whatever i'm doing. i need to pray for broken fellowships. i realized i hadn't really done that much praying regarding those, thinking i had to take matters into my own hands. but in PDL, i realized i had to "ventilate vertically" and should come to God first and ask Him for help and guidance.

i need to really reflect on PDL too. i'm losing the lessons and cheating myself by not paying much attention to it....

what is a "person"?

had lunch with jewel today. then watched Spiderman 3 with him, jaq, rex, roni, and tin. one word: BLAST!
this is the latter part of out ym conversation


yerlewej: SIGNAL FIRE, SNOW PATROL
me: oooh
yerlewej: i'm ok now, though..
me: that's good.
yerlewej: ansaya nun! di dapat ma-ruin
yerlewej:
me: i can understand how you felt and it's a normal reaction..
me: yeah! exactly
yerlewej: which proves i'm still tao
yerlewej: haha!
me: next time, you're sitting next to me so we can laugh at the noisy girls giggling behind us...
me: haha
yerlewej: hahah! ganun ba?
me: and pretend to be part of the movie
me: or predict what's gonna happen next
yerlewej: wooh..^_^
yerlewej: which brings back my movie-w/-rex-and-jac memories
yerlewej: sa g4
me: haha. stomp the yard
yerlewej: yep
me: wish i saw it..i love dance movies
yerlewej: parang wala akng kasama nun. hahah!
yerlewej: talaga?
me: frustrated wanna-be dancer
yerlewej: pag na-download ko, i'll lend it to you
me: haha
yerlewej: me too!
me: bakit naman?
me: yay!
yerlewej: feeling ko kaya ko yung mga steps dun
me: oooooooh. that's my apo!
yerlewej: ah, kasi sila yung nag-uusap
yerlewej: di ako kasali
yerlewej:
me: ah. hahaha. that's why three's a crowd
yerlewej: yeah, pero during the movie lang yun
me: neverrrrr group into three's
yerlewej: nung nasa labas na kami, ok na ulit
me: hahaha
me: that's good
yerlewej: that was actually my bday gift to rex
yerlewej: na hindi naman halatang bday gift
yerlewej: hahahah!
me: hahaha.
me: that's a great gift. T-I-M-E
me: love it!
yerlewej:
me: omg. i just saw ma'm acop's friendster. i'll add her!
yerlewej: ngye! antagal na kaya nya sa profile ni jac
yerlewej: tska sa no exit ata
me: haha
yerlewej: ooh, you put the "person" thing sa comment..
me: yah
me: haha
yerlewej: actually, hndi ko nilagay sa comment ko sau yun
yerlewej: kasi i thought it was a one-to-one thing
yerlewej: sabi ko, bka magselos si jac
yerlewej: hahah! kasi she kept calling you her person kanina
me: haha. no. it's a philosophical topic we talked about during household overnight nung friday. you can have more than one person, apparently.
me: ideal though na magkaroon ng exclusive person. you know. top "person" niyo ang isa't isa
yerlewej: ooh. alright then. hahah! you'll be my constant person.
yerlewej: yeah.. actually
me: yay! i'm honored.
yerlewej: opcors..
yerlewej: joke.^_^
yerlewej: this is my promise to you
yerlewej: i mean, yung person thing
yerlewej: rather, my promise to myself
yerlewej:
me: i'll hold you to that.
me: lalagay ko 'to sa blog
yerlewej:
me: mwaha. i'll remove the first part
yerlewej: hahah! send me one, too.
yerlewej: kasi i accidentally closed the wondow
yerlewej: nawala yung previous messages
me: ok!
yerlewej: uhm, til what time mo balak mag-online?
yerlewej: meron kasi akong isesend na audio file
yerlewej: sooper cute sya
me: i'll be leaving soon. ate is pestering me. might come back though but i still have to verify..haha
me: ooooh!
yerlewej: actually, my ate is also pestering me
yerlewej: kanina pa
yerlewej: i try to remain firm. hahaah!
me: haha
me: i'm weak!!!
yerlewej: heheh.. actually, i'm weak din. kaso she already had d pc kaninang umaga/hapon
me: haha
me: yay! i have persons!!! woohoo!
me: *sanguine*

Day 18

i need to be honest about who i am; to take risks of getting hurt or misunderstood. i need to admit that i am human. i am not super! i get confused and angry. maybe the reason i'm so irritable is that it's my way of releasing the emotions bottled up inside me. in saying these things and sharing them with my spiritual family, i learn to develop trust, which is essential for spiritual growth.

Grey's Anatomy

i don't have a "person"! if i were in despair, who'd be there for me at absolutely any circumstance? i know God would be there, but isn't there a human too?

PS-i'm supposed to be studying. instead, i'm watching Grey's season 3. haha. huhu.