booster

i am improving though, i must admit, not yet wholly alright. i have begun to rediscover my previous life and the preoccupations and conditions which come with the package. i can proudly say that i no longer feel so empty or lifeless. however, i sense that there is still the tingling sting of a fresh wound, a remnant of the former bermuda triangle that my world has been sucked into the past weeks.

if you weren't able to read my book, here's what's written there. this is the manuscript so expect some improvements later on.


there was a girl who decided to visit the carnival. just the idea of it intrigued her. "this is going to be fun", she whispered to herself.

she was looking for a good time. so go to the carnival she did. she spent the day eating candy and popcorn, looking at throngs of people laughing and talking. she rode the bumpcars and the ferris wheel and a ride that made her so dizzy she had to sit still for 3 hours...looking on as the people passed by and as the rides went on. her eyes kept wandering until they rested on the BOOSTER.

it was a ride that twisted and turned and sped up backwards for an excruciating 5 minutes or so.

she debated with herself: to ride or not to ride?

she knew fully vvell that the probability of her getting sick afterwards was very high. then again, she found the idea of experiencing such a cacophony of emotions too overwhelming to resist. and perhaps, she thought, the momentary bliss would be worth feeling worse than hung over.

pondering on such arguments, SHE GOT ON. and as she whirled and screamed and blinked and screamed some more, she kept wondering if she made the right choice...if she'd feel ecstatic or not. and when she got off, she felt too dizzy to walk in a straight line. she also got sick...twice.

but nothing could have made her happier than the thought that she was brave enough to ride the BOOSTER.

then the little girl left the carnival.

but BOOSTER kept running.

people got on. then got off.

some rode again. and again.

some have had enough of it.

some didn't want to try it at all.

others spent so much time trying to muster the courage to get on that, by the time they had made up their minds...the carnival had left.

before they knew it, BOSTER was running elsewhere...and no one could be sure if it were ever coming back.

this little girl prayed it would.

maybe next time it would be even better for her.

almost at the finish line

okay. i am starting to forgive as well as accept. ate di is right. this may be a blessing in disguise. at least, i was saved from the wrong one. but i am not mad at him. i hate how he acted but, right now, i'm really concerned for him. i hope he finds someone whom he doesn't just like but also learns to show love for. someone who'll understand his moods and idiosyncrasies. i mean, i did but...oh well. i just wish him the best. i hope he finds peace of mind and true happiness. that's a wish for everyone actually.

i still want to talk. i just want to be friends again. i hate having a "non-friend" acquaintance. besides, i know that not a lot of people understand him. i'm no longer sure...maybe i was one of them. at the moment, i don't know whom he talks with...and i mean real conversations. but i hope he has at least one person he can really share stuff with. i don't know if i was one of those people. i really wish he has someone. everyone needs someone to gossip about their own lives with. haha. but seriously..when i kept all of these emotions to myself and my journal, i was such a wreck. and that went on for months. it's just really frustrating to keep all these bottled inside. i'm just concerned for him.

dear God, please watch over him. keep him safe. let him find his way to You. if he finds it difficult to confide with others, let him realize that You are there for him and will never forsake him. let him now that i, too, am here for him. i will always be his friend, even if he no longer wants to be mine.

i will no longer force him to talk with me. when he's ready, then we can talk. i know that i, too, may have wronged him in some ways and i hope that one day, he will find it in his heart to forgive me. i have already forgiven him, even if he doesn't seem to want my forgiveness.

i think i am okay now. maybe i am not 100% thru with the 3 stages, but i now i'm gonna be fine soon.

sting

it's his loss. what i was willing to give him was more precious than tulips or whatever. if he doesn't realize that, it's not even worth my time to try to make him see it. but even if i know this, it doesn't lessen the pain. i am still hurting...emotionally, psychologically. it's internal bleeding. i just know that i'm not yet ok. i may not be crying much...probably because either i'm all out or it's too deep for tears. i have no idea how to make it all better. i just need to believe in God. i need to stop wallowing in the past if i am to recover. dear Jesus, please help me focus on what's important in my life. please...

*dare you to move*

where can you run to escape from yourself?

something good happened. ARIES LAGAT won the MEGA event! he's going to Paris next year. you go, Aries! that a well-deserved victory. too bad i was busy wallowing in self-pity and wasn't able to watch him win.

i am half-wallowing. i'm trying to accept this situation of mine. have to try to concentrate but i am sooooo [insert OO lyrics] with him. *sigh* how did this happen? i'm supposed to have an independent soul/artiste life, not the pathetic-girl-crying-over-some-guy life. i can't wait to be completely over.

the next two steps

acceptance and forgiveness. yes, i still cannot fully grasp that there is absolutely no way for us to be us. that there is no chance at all. and though i am not mad at him, i hate how i turned out. i don't know if i learned much, if i have improved as a person. i'm still slacking off, still self-conscious, still cravinf for attention every once in a while. and i don't like that i went through all that to end up with nothing. (or didn't i?)

they say it is better to have loved and lost. in some cases, i agree. for at least you recognize the feeling. you learn to let yourself go. but also, for some, it may have been better to remain where they were. for falling in and out of love is like jumping off a cliff on a hang glider. you take the step that launches you into the air. you soar. and then you plop on lower ground, tripping over yourself. and when you're really unlucky, you get stuck in a tree or end up in a pool of mud or a swamp filled with alligators. where did i end up?

when i think about it, yes, it is a grievous loss. but it would've been ok if we talked about it (okay, that may have been partly my fault that we didn't.) and that we go back to being civil, on the road to becoming friends once again...

Happy birthday Sandra!

Single life is haunting me again. Yes, it’s enjoyable to pretend to be the woman of the world. And though I’ve never actually been not single (haha), there are times when you can’t help but wish it weren’t so. Like right now. I’m about to pack up the exhibit of the entire class myself. Haaay.

cleansed

God amazes me with his sense of humor. Today’s sermon was about love. How ironic. God is the best scriptwriter ever. Haha. Leave it to him to make me go to mass alone then have that happen. And on my way home, I finally decided to get my act together. I realized once again that all things and good wishes happen, in God’s time. He has only the most perfect plans for each of his children.

I was already at my street when it started to drizzle. I didn’t feel like using my broken umbrella. So I welcomed the cool raindrops with slightly outstretched arms. I even stuck out my tongue to taste it. God has mercifully washed away my tears with his own. Thank you for the rain. It’s as if he were reminding me that he would never desert me nor forsake me. An actual conversation with God. How I love him. And how he loves me (and everyone else).

the first step

*officially wallowing* I so hate this. I mean, it’s good that I’m wallowing because it’s a step in getting over. Unfortunately I have no time to wallow or not to wallow. Huhu. What the hell am I supposed to do? I’m listening to wallowing music now. Not sure if that’s a good idea. It calms me, but it also forces me to confront myself with everything that’s happening (or not happening, rather). It’s too early to force him into a conversation, though.

I should’ve never gotten on the booster.

**if you’re wondering what my last sentence meant, that means you haven’t read my book yet. Ask me about it and I’ll gladly show you. Haha. I worked hard on that.

the tulips are dead but the pot will live forever

I took back the letter, remember? Well, I made a new one and gave it last Tuesday, I think. I’m desperately trying to wallow now. The first tear dropped a few hours ago, when I was trying to think of something to text him. Unfortunately, that doesn’t count much because only a few followed. Then they were gone, just like that. I’m so depressed. Not the suicidal kind. Just the kind that makes you bum out all the time. The kind that sucks all the life out of you and makes living just not dying and nothing else. I just want to be over him. But I have no idea how to do that. I want to live and be happy and realize that there is definitely more to life but I can’t. I want to make the freakin medpaper, for crying out loud! Okay…I’m crying right now. Good. And bad. Jesus, why? Why did this happen? I mean, I am thankful because I did have good times with him, however scarce those were, but I also wish that they just didn’t happen. Because I am no longer myself now. I am not the person whom I was and want to be. The supergirl who could do anything and who wouldn’t cry over a guy that hurts her and doesn’t realize how luck he is to have her. I just want to be normal again. Please. To not think of him whenever I think of anything. To not want so desperately for him to come out of nowhere and say that he loves me and is sorry for hurting my feelings. I want to be free. Please, please…I can’t take this anymore. I can’t concentrate on a darn thing. I have become even more useless than before. Please, please, let me get over and let it be soon. I have a life to live. I don’t want to be a rock but I don’t want to be a marshmallow either, even if they taste best when roasted.

I have done so many wrong things in my life and perhaps loving him the way I do is one of those but please, don’t let me make anymore. All my life, I have been a silent failure. I don’t want to fail anymore. Not in my faith, not with my family, not with love, not with friends, not with school, not in life…not anymore.

Please, Lord. I’m asking you, take the pain away. Take the pain away so I may do my best to serve you. I will serve you and worship you with everything I do and all that I have. All I ask, not in return for I owe you too much already, but as a gift, is for you to please take the pain away. Or give me the strength to overcome all this pain, the strength to continue your work in spite of all the obstacles and sufferings. Please…

For the first time in a long time, I’m not yet sleepy. Haha. supposed to be doing a stack of school work but…oh well. How do I feel? At the moment…EMPTY. HOLLOW. Like my Rapunzel mug that has just recently been emptied of delicious but cold Milo drink. It must be the reason why, for most of the past two months, I have lost so much energy. The sweetness of life has been drained out of me and into some vacuum. It was only meant to clan a bit, but went overboard. I no longer know how I feel. I am completely unable to specify my emotions for majority of my conscious moments. I am neither happy nor depressed. Perhaps because I, like the relationship which evaporated so painfully slow, am in limbo…between wallowing and denial. I don’t know. I’m just…..

PS (10/14/06)

I fell asleep. Haha. I know. I’m pathetic. Leave me alone! I know I’m not supposed to feel this way and I have just officially become one of the girls I despise so much. Those who aren’t in control of their lives and emotions. Well, this too shall pass. But in the meantime…*listens to wallowing and HR music*

I’ve been trying my best to wallow and block out the emotion at the same time. Maybe being numb is better. No, it definitely isn’t. if you want to be human, the senses are included in the package. My mp3 player is my security blanket. Blasted to ear-deafening levels, it helps me pretend that I live in my own, perfect, HR, melodious world…until reality sets in, thanks to the lack of power/outside forces. And there goes my heart again.

for real...

I finally gave the letter that I took back. Ok, so it’s a revised one…but still. I had this idea that, instead of a person box, I’d make altered books instead. I found myself wishing I’d have just one book forever. Haay. I’ll just read a chapter of “When God Writes Your Love Story” to make me feel better…then make my medpaper. Nothing like stress to beat the heartbreak out of you.

overload

I have so much to write about. Aaaargh. Must schedule a daily journal-writing time. Kaso sobrang toxic e. I need the sleep. I sure hope I can keep track of the events and lessons in life. Keywords will do, for now…

Love parents. Be with someone who appreciates you. Do something you love. Live life to the fullest. Dance! Do your best. Organize. Time. Possible. Prioritize. Communicate. Stress. Doubts. Family. Choice. Enjoy.

Recent events: Nursecisissm and the spontaneous urge to watch “Step Up”

It’s finished. I haven’t written in a while so this may be confusing. My feelings have been ever-changing since the start of sem. They still are. But I have made a decision, however reluctantly. Yesterday morning, I dropped by the boarding house and left the twice-revised letter for him. My heart is still trying to pound its way through my ribcage. I’m still not sure if what I did was ultimately the best move. I keep wishing that, any time now, he’d contact me and ask for another chance, promising not to screw it up for the nth time. Silence. Nothing. The only messages I have received this morning were about the Hum report and N119 stuff. Maybe it is for the best. I’m tired of fantasizing…tired of forcing my ideals on him. It’s just that…I’m also not that ready to let go just yet. Not that there’s anything to hold on to anyway. It’s the worst feeling ever. Just when you’ve finally accepted that you love someone, you realize that you aren’t meant for each other. You realize that forcing it would hurt you both and exhaust all your energies. You try to see if you can put up with it, like any martyr HR. Okay, it hurts. So you do the rational thing and do it before it’s too late. It still hurts. And then you realize…it’s always too late.

The only time I stop thinking about these are the times I think that maybe it doesn’t matter to him. Maybe it was his way of saying he’s no longer interested. Then it hurts for the 3rd time. Ouch.

I just want to talk. What do I expect will come out of it? I have absolutely no idea. What do I wish will come out of it? It’s pathetic, I know…I, too, want the 2nd chance.

I shouldn’t fool myself though. The chances of that happening are less than zero. So now, I am in depression mode. How the hell will I get over? I barely have the energy to eat, stay awake, and study. No, I don’t feel suicidal. I just don’t feel happy either. And unfortunately, that is my fuel. I’m running out…

Cold shoulder

Weirdly enough..it’s back to nothing. Brrr. Anybody got a heater?

getting on

I’m sure. And I have even made a great, humorous speech for when I tell him. *giggles*

Dorks R us

here i am, just making the most of my internet time at Netbooster....

the scene: a bit cramped, but tidy, nonetheless. mostly adolescent males playing whatever it is kids play these days. the twenty-something guy at my left just finished looking at Christina Aguilera photos. no, they aren't dirrty at all.

my mood: state of anguish and desperate depression, not to mention a knack for being annoyingly redundant.

rationale: it's been a sucky week, no doubt. academic problems. then there are the problems with just about everything else. long story, will elaborate some other time. the thing is, i'll be removing N105 on Monday. it really bites because i thought i was doing okay. and by okay, i mean, just enough to escape the removals. 2 failed long exams. some had it worse but aren't taking the exam on Monday. i'm not saying i ought to be with them. on the contrary, i hate myself even more. i could've done something about it, after all. i'm darn scared because failing it would mean free mornings for the rest of the sem. and surprisingly, i find myself preferring the stress and early mornings and late nights over...nothing. a year of nothings, to be exact. i don't want to miss out on all that. then there's the fact that i don't want others to feel sorry for me either. but why shouldn't they when i can't even control myself from doing the same thing?

then there's the fact that i'm starting to think i'm meant to be single. don't ask why, please.

the worst part of all this is that i don't have anyone physically with me whom i can talk with. it's awful because i think i have been a supportive person to those who need it but i always find myself in situations where i don't have anyone. there's God of course. but i need someone to hug and cry to, someone who will completely understand even without me explaining everything. but it would be too weird to hug the cross hanging on the wall of my dorm room. it would just confirm my roommates' recent accusations of my being crazy.

so that's it. my time is almost up. just needed to let it all out. been doing a lot of that lately. i sure hope no one gets hurt in the process.

the brighter side: there always is. one, i watched Pirates, finally. and two, someone's willing to look at my shoe designs. hoorah. now, if only i had the time to compile them...

note to everyone: don't worry. i won't be stupid. you know me, smiley face, sad face, smiley face. i just don't want to be sad face too soon...

I’ve just finished reading “The Wedding”. It’s a really sweet novel. Although I’m not the type who’s HR 24 hours a day, I am for most parts of it. I guess I’d say I’m comedian-HR type. Okay. I don’t make sense. Haha. If you’re wondering why, ask me personally, “What the heck did you write on your journal (at said date)?”

Lesson learned: Be more patient and try to appreciate even the itsiest bitsiest things in life. Maybe some people don’t seem to make an effort towards you…but you could be wrong.

last minute

I haven’t written for quite some time now. I’ve been @ FIP almost everyday. I find that fashion is a black hole and the vortex is at One San Miguel Bldg…it sucks you in, regardless of whether you want it to or not. Aside from sewing, I have been preoccupied with TV, vanity, and sleep: things I can no longer afford now that the start of school is nearing once again. I have much to do. Aside from the most important which is to review and to prepare for school and dorm, I must also start my beginning acting classes, write my articles, make my jewelry, fix my wardrobe, and get some rest.

**I know. This seems unimportant. Well, maybe it is. Haha. But just wanted to let you know what shallow things have been going on in my mind.