Much has happened….

A truce has been called; implied, rather.

HH yesterday. I realized that we really are growing up and we really do have more responsibilities than ever. I’m especially praying for Har’s concerns with family and finances. Then meedge somewhat explained why the UPCN doesn’t want us to accept the various offers from CBRC and such. Though I don’t fully comprehend, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that what we do now does not only define who we become later, it also affects the lives of those whom we preceded. I guess it’s up to us if we use that for the causes we choose or disregard this yet still affect the future with our thoughtless choices.

I am reminded again of this bit of truth on my way home when I encountered the Manila traffic. Maybe one jeepney driver stopped a bit longer than he should’ve to wait for more passengers, desperately in need of adequate income to support his family. His intentions are good and he means no harm. Yet that one act will not only possibly determine the flow of traffic along Taft and Pedro Gil, but it could also possibly change the lives of men: someone could miss an important interview; a girl’s father might not get to see her blow out her birthday candles; someone could have lived if the ambulance made it in time. Then again, someone could have a few more minutes with a loved one before he has to leave, thanks to the same. No one can tell.

Even if we don’t want to, one day, we will have to admit that there is a connection between all of us. We’ll have to live with the realization that every single thing we do can ultimately affect the lives of one or many in an infinite number of ways. Life is always going to be like a game of dominoes; we can be one of the tiles falling in a certain direction or we can be the odd tile that chooses to go in a different direction and create either a desired or unwanted effect with the move we make. So, what’s it going to be?

the reading for today is taken from Matthew 13:44-46

“He goes and sells all that he has and buys it.”

This entire week has seen me reading gospels about giving up everything the one true thing. Ironically, this was also the week that has seen me doubting my heart and His voice. My parents insist on a plan B (though I haven’t even fully explained the changes made to plan A), and I am tempted to succumb to their reasoning for fear that I might actually need it, as they say.

Yes, Father, I am scared. I’m scared that I won’t be able to provide my family with a good future. Yes, it would be nice to help the many who are suffering financially with the money I would earn as a nurse abroad. It would be so easy to give in to a secure future—a good future with minimal uncertainties. But I know in my heart that You have a plan for me—and I trust that it is beautiful. This isn’t certainty that I won’t suffer, no, but it it is certainty that everything will happen according to your plan and for your purposes, right? That brings me at peace.

I want to go with Your plan, Father. Please tell me that I am on the right path, for Yours is the only plan I want to follow. I want to be sure that Yours is the voice in my heart.

where the heart is

jaffy santiago: hi teacher kat!

me: hey!!!

me: grabe ang galing!

me: ittxt sana kita na mag-online ka. hahahahaaa. demanding?

jaffy santiago: talaga? bakit?

jaffy santiago: sayang sa load haha

me: naghahanap ng seryosong kausap

jaffy santiago: haha. gudlak na lang

jaffy santiago: haha. joke

me: hay, mukha ngang no luck pla ko dun. hahahaa

jaffy santiago: bakit ba? wasap?

jaffy santiago: ok ka lang?

me: slight concern

jaffy santiago: go

me: ok. gusto ng parents ko na magtake ako ng NCLEX (have i told you that before?)

jaffy santiago: yep. and?

me: anyway, they're planning na papuntahin nkong calif by january tpos since immigration will usually give you 6 months to stay there, that's exactly what they want me to do. go there, take the test, wait for the results.. and pag pumasa ako, magwork na dun snce mdali daw akong mkkhanap ng work kc may mga kaklala kme dun

me: and i am having difficulty telling them na gusto ko nga maging guro

jaffy santiago: ahh. have you told them already?

me: nasabi ko pero hndi nila sineryoso, saying na mas ok kung mag nurse n nga lng dun --> better future, echos eklavu chenes

me: and i know all that. i know na magiging comfortable ang buhay ko pag nag nurse ako

jaffy santiago: depende rin

jaffy santiago: tsaka ok naman ang suweldo ng teacher, lalo na kung sped or something

me: i don't wanna teach or do anything for the money anyway

jaffy santiago: ahh pero ok na reassurance yun sa parents e. hehe

me: i just wanna serve and be happy at the same time and make a difference

me: yeah, true. except parang nka shutdown sila pag sinasabi ko un and i don't know kung pano ko ipaglalaban 'to. parang ang hirap kc feeling ko sobrang fixed na ung isip ng dad ko.

jaffy santiago: ahh i see

me: tpos habang nag lalalala ung tatay ko sabi ko kay Lord "ano b tlga gagawin ko? di ba eto ung gusto mo na para sa kin?" tpos parang sabi niya "fight for it"

me: pero knina, hndi ko lng kinaya. silent mode lng ako. anyway, un lng nman. haha

jaffy santiago: yeah fight. pero hindi siguro yung harapang kontra

me: ay oo. pasaway. hahahaa

jaffy santiago: if that's where your heart is happy being, i know the He will bless it if you do decide to go for it. after all, He doesn't plant desires in our hearts that aren't for us

me: yeah, that's true pinagdadasal ko lng that He will give me the courage to pursue it. Thanks!

unearthing notes

september 8, 2006
*what follows is a recording of a conversation with a good friend

K: i'm confused. "you know" eyes
i don't want to be HR anymore.
i don't know...it hurts when you are but others aren't

N: Jesus is HR. i'm sure He loves you more than anyone would. ever.
INTERESTED? :p

K: I know. but being HR, He loves us even if we don't show we love Him back...apply to real life situation please. :) but He still sticks with us even if we hurt Him ---> HR!

N: Yup. No one else is more HR than He who loved enough to die for His friends. However, that kind of HRness, you can't expect from a person.

K: but i'm HR.

N: That may be, but His kind of HRness is perfect. to be able to experience the best kind of romance, you need to experience true love from Him first. a wise person said, "you can't give what you don't have!"
so, the love you should be looking for first is the true, perfect, HR to the max love from HIM? :p

K: tru. but if you love someone, shouldn't you try to be as HR as Him?

N: There is a time for everything. first thing's first! di ba, sa priorities mo, God first? i believe that before you love someone, you need to receive love from Him. if not, it will become a stale, half-cooked kind of love. really.

K: owkie.

*pause*

K: so...what are you saying?

N: i'm saying you need to be Jesus' girlfriend before anyone else's. you need a relationship with Him to put right you other relationships.
INTERESTED?

K: owkie. just clarifying.


*end*


i just chanced upon these notes on my palm and it made me laugh and feel nostalgic at the same time. these days, my friends link me to a few people and i tell myself that i'm not ready; that i'm trying to not like anyone in the romantic sense. i guess i'm afraid of the idea of a mismatch or a NOT happily ever after story.

i know now that there will be that perfect moment in God's time for all this. for now, i'm just trying to love Him first, before anything or anyone else :)

oh yeah. in case the deficient use of the term in the conversation was not enough to help you understand its meaning, HR stands for hopeless romantic.

shadowfeet

shadowfeet by brooke fraser is my song these days. i'm doing my best to be a good little daughter of His. stumbling, yes, but walking nevertheless.

i spent a good part of yesterday chatting with a new friend. i really enjoyed talking with him and felt like we had a lot of similarities. one thing i really appreciate in him is how he looks at life and really searches for God in his life. i am actually reminded of St. Therese of Lisieux--serving God in even the smallest of ways.

at one part of our conversation, we talked about PMS and how, sometimes, it can result in such a blessing--a child. i said we should treat it as any other mistake like lying or cheating. we recognize our wrongs and accept them so we may begin to change. everybody deserves forgiveness and second chances. truly, God's love is in everything. like in Juno, blessings can be found even in "a garbage dump of a situation".

a new fave line

"I must endure who I have been, if i am ever to become something else."
- The Haitian, Heroes 53

teacher jaffy shared this line with me from, would you believe, the Heroes comics? meron pla nun?! haha. pero totoo lng :) we have to accept who we were and just be inspired to become who we're supposed to be.

FRESH! victory

came home from fresh less than an hour ago. where do i even begin?!? God's miracles leading up to this victory have been so numerous and awesome! the bonding, praisefests, loving, and the many opportunities to serve Him--woot! one of the greatest experiences of my life so far, definitely.

and although some things, as of this moment, are cloaked still, i know that all will be perfect and awesome in God's time.

some excerpts:
Blair: "Evangelize one, save a thousand."
Jaffy: "When you are weak, then you are strong."
"Who do you think I am? [You are Lord] Then act like it."
"Hindi ung gitara o ung drums ang instrumento. Ang instrumento, tayo."

i know it will be difficult but i feel i am really being called to this mission which i am loving more with each passing moment. [let's pray for this, Kat.]

also, let's try to explain to our parents this commitment and try to really be the change God wants for us.

**this is from the inspiration booth. yay!! just a reminder to love.