this morning, i was able to pray, read the Bible, and write in my journal. then Jaq asked me about UNIV, which was a blessing because i was reminded of God's victory in that area of my life and how it can be used for further victories, along with all the other stuff. then, when i went to CN, i got a chance to talk with Jean and Jeff. i became more thankful for the "small" things that i'm currently occupied with. i may not have a real job and my parents may be disappointed in the fact that i'm giving up the nursing path to greener pastures, but i know that i am making a difference, no matter how miniscule, wih my work as a YFC MV and even as an English tutor to Koreans who dream of studying in the US. plus, when we didn't have household help, i helped out with the chores. i think i've been good; i've been doing my best to make my God proud.
then i had a fun lecture. well, more like helping out a friend with her homework and getting paid for it. afterwards, i went to the core HH at tito nomer's office, just to give Gem the pic (ILC '08) i promised him. i ended up chatting with familiar and new faces, and staying for worship too. afterwards, when i was saying my goodbyes to everyone, Marian asked if i cold give a talk at their exert on Monday. i was shocked and scared and i dunno how i reacted to her. haha. i didn't even know what an exert is, for crying out loud. i asked for details and he number before i left, not wanting to seem foolish and unknowledgeable. i'm an MV after all. aren't i supposed to guide them, help them, answer their questions? i'd lose credibility in front of the babies, and i couldn't let that happen. i'm supposed to represent God and, in shaming myself, i feel i'd tarnish His name as well.
so, on the way home, i texted Rex and Kuya Evan about it. thankfully, the latter replied. apparently, it stood for execom retreat, of which i still had no idea and i've never experienced (either that or i have serious brain damage). "how can i give a talk about something i don't know?", i asked both him and myself. while doing so, i felt God whisper to me, reassuring that He will tell me what to say. even if i had no idea or capability of facing those leaders and inspiring them, He does and He will give me the right words to utter; He will lead me to the right direction. also, Kuya Evan told me that Marian probably prayed for this too and that i should remember that this isn't about me at all. i guess i was worrying too much about embarassing myself and saying awful, unrelated things that i forgot that speakers are exactly just that: speakers. they aren't the topic of the forum or the special guest in a talk show. instead, they talk about something or someone and aim to inspire, not purely on the way they give their talk, but more through its content, through what or who is being represented. and though i don't know yet what the content will be, i know that the talk will represent Him. and how can i go wrong when such is the topic and the goal is to glorify only Him?
Lord, i only want to do this and all things for You. please humble me, so that i may not seek glory for myself, but for You who command it. humble me, that i may be willing to do whatever it takes, even risk persecution or shame, just to prove that You are the only one who is great.
Kuya Evan said that he was proud of me, that You will use me. Father, that's all i want--to make others happy, to make You happiest. i only want to be used by You and by nothing or no one else.
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