i'm currently debating with myself whether to stay 22 1/2 years old or not. and no, i am not referring to the use of botox and a gazillion wrinkle creams to achieve this. it's just that i've been seeing more and more examples of how most adults deal with their lives and all sorts of situations, and i don't want in on any of the pretentiousness, and hypocrisy, and suppression of emotions and thoughts, and acting in a way that is easier or more acceptable as opposed to how you truly want to or should. but now that i think of it, 22 is probably not the best age either. i mean, i'm still so confused with my life and, sad to say, actually quite helpless to deal with situations at times. well, not helpless, just afraid to act probably. i think i'm turning into a real adult in that sense.
what makes an adult real? and what makes him ideal? my absolute favorite ideal adult character in literature has got to be either the dad in To Kill A Mockingbird or even Dumbledore in Harry Potter. hahahahah. but seriously. they are my gold standard. and what i love about these two is that, even though they are fictional and the latter is even a homosexual wizard, they still seem quite real. like, they're not ridiculously or impossibly kind-hearted, moral, and level-headed; it just seems so at times cause we've been accustomed to the adult figures we have in real life.
a couple of nights ago, i realized how thankful i was, nonetheless, that most of the adults in my life were not exactly up to par with Dumbledore. it made me see how badly i wanted to avoid being like that--and now i have a renewed determination to live my life with integrity, and according to the beliefs and values i cherish. it's no easy feat, for sure. i fail at even the smallest tests of character, frustratingly enough. but i figured, i don't want to stop trying. i think that's the only difference between real adults and ideal ones. it's not that the latter is innately better than the former--they are just relentless in their attempts of being better than who they are now. and that's what i want to devote my life to trying to accomplish.
***i've got a ton of decisions to make right now. as some of you may know, i've been seriously considering leaving my job--that is, if my boss will let me (gotta dig out that pseudo contract). anyway, there are so many factors to consider, my mind is just about to explode! and after a minor breakdown last tuesday, i still am in no better position to deal with the situation. gaaaah. SOS
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