is this a ranting blog?

i just realized. it seems i go to this page when i have something i need to get off my chest but can't yet find a living thing to offload my frustrations unto. so here i go again!

i'm feeling a bit left out.  everybody is at this training event and will be there for a few more days.  they're all posting on FB about how incredible the experience is.  i've heard them all talk before about how this annual program really brings them closer to each other.  and i feel left out because i've never been to it.  i know i'm not technically a part of the core group which attends the event, but only because i missed the training.  yet i know in my heart that i serve just as much.  everybody keeps telling me that "parang MV ka na rin".  but then i'm not treated in the same way.  i want to serve and i want to get to know these people better too.  i'm terribly curious about what happens inside that house! i just don't understand why i have to be left out because of a mere technicality and why nobody ever bothered to help clarify this.

it's probably my fault too.  when i got that message about the training more than a year ago, i should've asked them what it was for and what it's implications were, instead of just shrugging it off.  but why am i so fixated on this?  does it mean that much to me?

stupid mouth

why the hell would a guy tell a girl about a crush who recently got in a relationship? why would he talk about how he thought the girl needed more time, having just broken up with her last boyfriend three months ago? why would he say all these things if he and his audience had been sort of dating?

or were they?

delubyo

why is it that i can think of several people with whom i can share my joys, but i can't seem to find one person to approach whenever something is really frustrating me?


how can a person feel so isolated in a congested world of six billion people?

is there something wrong with me? have i done anything wrong in the past that prevents me from sustaining nurturing friendships?

the Boss and the Creation Paradigm

Lord, i don't know what to do with my life! well, actually, i do.  i know why i'm here, i know what i'm supposed to do--i just can't seem to find a way to do it!

i know i need to wait patiently, graciously for You.  i know Your help will come.  i just wanted to tell you how i felt.  but even if i don't know precisely what will happen today or tomorrow or next month or next year, i am certain that You are always Boss, and You will always have your kids' backs.

***after writing this in my journal 12 seconds ago, i suddenly remembered something i learned back in college--arguably one of THE most important lessons, actually.  my professor refers to it as the Creation Paradigm.  she taught me not to settle for what seems possible or feasible, but to do whatever it takes to make the impossible dream a reality.  to create our perfect world.  that's what You and i are gonna do, right? ;)

isolation

have you ever felt so terrible but didn't have a single person you felt you could talk to about something?

right?

i have the right to be angry, right?
because i sort of am.  well, just upset really. hurt maybe. it's silly actually, but because it's someone who's (unfortunately) quite important to me, it has blown up into a big deal. in my head, at least.

the past few years, i've really tried to emphasize how my birthday isn't about me.  i'm just like everybody here, nothing special.  i think what ought to be celebrated on one's birthday is maybe the reason why we're here in the first place.  so that was what i did.  this year, well, i've been trying to do that all year round (note: trying), so i figured i also needed to do something for me.  not necessarily luxurious or anything, just the simple things that i don't get to do but are still part of why i'm here.

so i shouldn't really mind that this person has not yet greeted me (note the date).  but it is a bit sad because birthdays are when people tell you how wonderful you are, how happy they are you were actually born in the first place so they had the chance to meet you, all that crap.  at least, that's what they do when you mean something to them...

right?

SJ

isn't it funny how when you're waist-deep in troubles or everything in your life seems like shit, there's always one thing that manages to cheer you up? it can be a person, a certain song, a perfect memory, the view outside your window...

eleven days

there are only 11 days til this year ends and another one begins.  11 days!!! 353 1/2 days have gone by completely, and pretty quick too;  i'm sure the next handful will be like a whirlwind that sweeps us off our feet and leaves us in a tangled daze afterwards.  i have eleven days to make sure i look back at his year with a fond smile instead of bitter regrets.

it's funny how the things that happened at the start and during the middle of the year do not seem to be as significant as those that happened only recentl or are about to happen soon.  whis is that so?  why is there an immense amount of importance and meaning attached to how things end?  maybe it's the idea of being given second chances.  maybe it's because it's at the end that our hoping pays off and our faithfulness is rewarded.  maybe it's about rising above the situations faced, no matter how wretched.  maybe it's about being saved.

i have eleven days to make sure that when i talk of this particular year, i can be honest in saying that it was good.  indeed, for the most part, it has been.  i know that my struggles at work have been particularly prominent these last few months and, as such, i tend to believe that has been all hardships all this time.  but that isn't really so...

first, i have gone a few steps further in the pursuit of my calling--faced the truth, taken a class, networked, researched, poured my heart out, did a couple of small projects and vaguely landed myself in some more for the coming year.  there's also the prospect of studying again.  heck, i even (sort of) told my parents!!  and almost all this in the 2nd half of the year alone.

second, i'm slowly starting to realign my life, to focus on the essentials, as opposed to the shiny ornamentations that so many of us have become distracted with.  i'm learning not to rely so much on things to bring me joy, but to find true contentment in every moment regardless of what i have or where i am.

then there's the fact that i'm really learning to open up to more people, as well as try to preserve and deepen the existing relationships i have.  i've rediscovered friends and made new ones from acquaintances and that has been a great source of comfort this past year.  i'm even trying to be much more loving towards my own family, and to open up my heart to them more (even if it means terrible, uncomfortable moments).  and of course, there's You, whom i do try to approach and be intimate with, even if i am unworthy.   i know that i want to please You, be good for You, and accomplish the mission You set out for me to do.

now that i think about it, i don't need eleven days to make this year magical--it already is.  but i do have eleven days to thank the Lord for this year.  eleven days to keep trying to remember the essence of life and love on earth--that i may never forget it in the coming years.

we all have eleven days ;)

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

not against other people, but against wrongs.

grasp, gentle yet firm

15th day of December, year 2010

remember this day.

blind

though i be blinded by tears,
i walk the paith straight,
for it is my faith that leads the way.

Secretariat

Secretariat is the greatest racehorse who ever lived--he had both speed and endurance, and he really went the distance.  just watched this movie last Sunday, although i think i like Seabiscuit's story better :)


i'm usually an optimistic person.  but lately i've been really down in the dumps and have had extreme difficulty trying to find the good in certain situations.  for instance, i am literally swamped with work right now.  i'm not even looking forward to the Christmas season as much because i know that i'll end up working during most of it, same as last year.

an unrealistic amount of work has been assigned to us and i am frustrated because this whole cramming situation could have been avoided had some people higher up had the sense to manage their time properly.  i'm also upset because many of my suggestions have been shunned, even though my co-workers and i believe that some of these would really be helpful, especially considering the tight spot we're in at the moment.  i feel like we aren't only overworked and taken for granted, we're also undervalued and underappreciated.  and that really pisses me off more than anything.  yet here i am.

currently i have a very limited pool of motivations that keep me working and prevent me from going awol.  1 is You, of course.  i don't want to give You a bad name. 2nd is i don't want to cause additional hardships for my coworkers and yes, even my bosses, although the despicable me sometimes thinks it would serve them right.  3rd i hate quitting, especially when i'm so close to the finish line.  4th i need a recommendation letter for grad school (my selfish reason).

i know there MUST be something to be learned from all this.  and i do hope i get the lesson the first time, so i can avoid this situation altogether in the future.

please help me find the strength to keep on running this race.

wow

so this is how busy i've been. i didn't even rant online for half a month! hahahah.
never ever try to cram a year's worth of activities in a quarter.  you'll get a year's worth of illnesses too X_X

anyway, i was just marvelling at the power that love has.  i was doing some calls for work a while ago and was advised to write to the director of this company and, surprise surprise! they share the same name.  just hearing that word, even if it's not the same person, makes me smile from ear to ear.

wait, did i say love? hmmmm....

why?!

did you know that men benefit from marriage more than women do?

and yet women are still crazy enough to get into this whole thing.  that really means something, doesn't it?

in other news:

i want to do a berber so bad! SOS. my boss semi-reprimanded me and my co-worker for not answering her text messages yesterday (Sunday).  first, i didn't do that on purpose; i just hadn't realized that my work phone died on me already and only got to charge it late at night.  second, it's a freakin Sunday and we had absolutely no agreement whatsoever that i would be asked to work on a weekend so it shouldn't have mattered anyway, right?  i can't answer to their every beck and call. third, this isn't the project that i'm supposed to be working on and the project that did hire me hasn't paid me for over a month now.  now tell me, am i still obliged to work as a research slave here? technically speaking, am i allowed to break my contract, given that they aren't sticking to their side of it either? opinions most welcome :D

sorry for the ranting.

i think doing something just to get over with it is perhaps the worst way to waste one's time.  you're much beter off daydreaming about siberian huskies and golden retrievers, or singing along to a karaoke machine, or even clipping your nails.  at least they're much more satisying. or useful.

i don't know how i'm supposed to keep going, especially when the only motivation i have for working is so that i can finish it and get out of this situation asap.  i know i should still do my best--i gave my word and breaking it would wreak havoc (is this an exaggeration?) on my boss, colleagues, and the project.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..."  --Colossians 3:23

rebel heart

this sounds like a good song to walk down the aisle to...

ambisyosa ba ko?!?! hahah. blame it on the wedding planning, as well as a series of chats with a friend about love and our ideals.

Erik Erikson was right.

sinusuyod ang laro

i have developed a recent LSS with Imago's Sundo and, even though i have been told countless times how very high school it is, i will admit that i can relate...

last Sunday, during Halloween Karaoke night with some friends, the issue of the game came up.  and i realized, i don't want to play the game or have anything to do with it, even if it's practically a norm now.  that's just not how i want to do things. 

sometimes we have to be adults.

slowly, steadily, surely

"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will sure come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3 (LB)

these days, there are two main things that occupy the space between my ears--love and dreams. nary a day goes by that i do not fret about either one of these. i am approximately twenty two years, 9 months, 14 days, and 18 hours old as of this writing, yet i feel as if a better person could have managed to travel farther down the road had she been in my stead. sometimes i wonder if the blame may be placed on me and my human inadequacies. perhaps i am not nearly as lovable as the rest of them; the combination of my character, my history, my environment does not make for a desirable lass. or perhaps i am much more asinine than i think myself to be, and the mistakes that i make as a consequence of such prevent me from landing my rear end on greener pastures or in the arms of Prince Charming or even the hind legs of the Frog Prince, at the very least. perhaps i am overreaching and think too much of myself and my capabilities, when i really have no proof of my talents, no commendation of any sort. maybe i am schizophrenic, and what i perceive to be God's plan and mission for me are, in truth, just delusions of grandeur. and so i walk in unease; i despair.

but this verse gives me hope. not just hope that i am not a lunatic, but hope that God's promise will come true for each and every one of us, including myself. hope and faith that everything is exactly where it ought be, and i am, even now amidst the confusion and difficulties, in the place where i am meant to be for the moment. and i believe that, slowly, steadily, surely, His plans and promises for me will come to pass.

here we go again

when are you gonna get it through your thick skull, silly little girl?! let's get real please.
hmm...how are we supposed to deal with this tortured situation?

distractions?
avoidance?
denial?
masochism?

i think the first two might be the better options, but i have the sinking feeling that i'll end up with the last no matter what i say or do anyway. haaaay. pray pray pray.

from the inside out

it's been a while, huh?  i guess i've just been preoccupied (not necessarily with the noblest of things, mind you).

anyway, i just wanted to share this years old song with you (even though most of you are probably already familiar with it).  from the very first notes, this song always has me kneeling on the ground.  it is as if every eighth slowly creeps into my veins, until my soul is full of His presence.  

i hope you also have that one thing that manages to reach and move your very core, even the most frozen of all your insides, the most putrid of all your dark secrets, the most sorrowful of all your cold tears.  and i hope that thing or person breathes life back into you, restores you to your inherent glory.