it is midnight and i am waiting for my dad to pick me up at Gateway. just finished yet another rehearsal for Saturday's Pintigan workshop recital. i think i've been so preoccupied and stressed with this whole dream thing that it is entirely possible and probable that i've lost sight of my real mission in life. no, it isn't to act, be on stage or at the center of everyone's attention. it's not to become admired by the public nor to earn a ridiculously huge amount of money that can be used to supplement the many needs of my anemic wardrobe and personal desk at home.
why am i doing this?
i want to tell stories. and not just to the people i know, but to the people who need to hear them. i want to write. i want to inhabit and portray all the exquisite human beings out there. i want to dance. i want to sing. i want to create films and art and great literature. anything!!! i just want to reach out to Your people, to my brothers and sisters. i want to share Your love and message of salvation. that is why i am doing this.
but to achieve that, i need to study and keep learning and practicing, as i am trying to do so now. yesterday, a cry of desperation escaped from my throat, because there were so many criticisms and i felt slightly as if i weren't good enough for this, that i didn't have what it takes and had better figure out a different way to achieve my goal. the day before, i somehow internally blamed my parents for my extreme self-consciousness and low self-esteem and, though there may be a point to the argument, i know better now. i know that it is entirely up to me to take the steps to address this problem. i need to truly believe that God's sufficiency allows me to be self-sufficient as well. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." if i don't, then the blame for continuing to reside in the shadow will rest wholly on me.
You are what enables me to do anything and everything. and it is also for You that i want to do these things.
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