tulips will be tulips

i haven't written in a while. it's just that in this society, the norms dictate that studying is more important than journal writing. and a part of me knows that to survive at all, you must also survive in the social world, even if that may require that the mountain will bend, not because the wind's howling necessitates it to do so, but because it must learn to sacrifice just so that the wind will spare it's inhabitants.

"what am i saying?", you ask. quite simply, i need to study and do well in school if i ever want to get to either one of the paths i am bent on taking. easier said than done, though....

by the way, they're growing :)

some quote

two of the hardest tests on the spiritual road: having the patience to wait for the right moment, and the courage not to be disappointed with what you encounter."

you're invited!

i just finished gluing my fingers off. aack! another semi oxymoron. is it my fault that i became even more crazy after making 116 pinning invitations? anyhoo, here's a quote from C.S. Lewis' The Magician's Nephew:

Oh Adam's sons. How cleverly you defend yourself against all that might do you good.

this surely applies to me in more ways than one. haaaay. again, must change.

Birthay blubbering

ok. i have to write this down before i fall asleep. though i sort of forgot what it was i was supposed to write about. what did i do, anyway? well, i went out with some STC friends and treated them to dinner since i just turned 18 a few days ago. honestly, i don't feel different. i don't look any different...or if i do, then the change was probably for the worse. i hate that nothing's happening to me, to my life. the things that've changed in me since high school are: i look older and more stressed out, i am less responsible but, ironically, more grade-conscious, and i am more oxymoronic than ever.

anyhoo, after dinner, chia and i went to Powerbooks Greenbelt. we sat in an aisle amidst minuscule shelves of kiddie lit and read Shel Silverstein books. i absolutely love them...if only i could afford though. oh well. The Missing Piece Meets The Big O is such a moving story. i personally think this literary work is about finding yourself, completing and loving yourself before someone else could. and there it goes! that hard-to-avoid topic frequently discussed by anything with a label FEMALE: the boyfriend issue and why i don't have one. i've thought of some reasons. don't pity me [or yourself] though. these are honest reasons. i'd like to clarify that i have no feelings of resentment or envy towards anyone with a boyfriend. two of my true friends have BFs [chia and ate cla]. here's the list.

1. i am not yet complete and haven't even found my own peace of mind.
2. i am not a "type"
3. i haven't met anyone whom i want to be in that kind of relationship with [sounds very grown-up, doesn't it?]
4. i am "couple's friend" material
5. Johnny Depp is still with Vanessa Paradis. haha

so there. i know there are more but, like i'd really tell the whole world those petty others. haha. kidding.

back to being "of age". i've asked a lot of people how they felt after turning 18 and, i'm not alone. we all haven't felt a significant change in our lives, unless you count getting a car or a wad of cash. for those who haven't turned 18 yet, or those who have but don't feel like adults yet, here's an insight which you can choose to take lightly or however you want to: it's the individual who makes the difference, not the number. want proof? look at Dakota Fanning in I Am Sam. but seriously. it doesn't matter if you're 17 or 53. what matters is that you take concrete steps to becoming whatever it is you want to be or achieving whatever it is you want to do. most people just place that transformation on 18 year olds because that's also the age when you can finally watch those racey movies or go clubbing. but i think that may be too early for a vast majority. perhaps that starts at the age of 18, for some. but most of us are too chicken to do that at an age when you're just starting to have "fun". because, supposedly, the thought of becoming an adult turns you into one. Self-fulfilling Prophecy. to end this, i will foretell my future. i have listed my goals in my journal and i declare that though i may not be as adult-ish as i want to be now, i will be a true adult...one day. for now, it's time to sleep.

where is thy eternal sunshine?

it's amazing. gives quite a different perspective on soulmates. shows what "meant to be" truly means....okay, i know you get it. see, i just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and i must admit, it has paved the way for my resetting of "fave movie" standards. in fact, i'll probably edit that list after i finish writing this. forgive me if my thoughts will seem unorganized. i just need to jot it all down before i lose anything.

it's amazing how you could despise almost every inch of someone yet love them for that; how you feel insane when you're with someone, in both terrifying and beautiful ways; how you try to erase someone out of your life forever yet find that all the powers of the world conspire to show you that you can never completely get rid of the pencil marks on paper, not even with the best Staedler clay eraser.

now i still don'e get the title [though i find it very catchy]. i've a feeling i missed out on important conversations. darn hearing problem. i'll have to buy a DVD..heehee. nice excuse, huh?

***i'm making a mental note to start reading poems: must be part of that quote from Alexander Pope's Eloisa to Abelard...in the movie, i mean. there might actually be something to poems. they're inspiring and emotional but don't have a complicated and detailed story incorporated so you won't get hung up and insanely wish that all the happy scenes were actually taking place in your life. oh wait, that might just be me. pardon my psychotic depression.

sliding doors

this took place at the MRT:

i was on my way to FIP. so there i was, waiting for the train to arrive. and arrive it did. there were quite a number of people in front of me so i said to myself, "no sweat. i'll take the next one. i'm in no hurry, after all". but, to my surprise, i was moving towards the wide open door. only, i didn't exactly do anything for that to happen. it wasn't against my will or anything, but still. so, i was swept by the wild currents into the sea of people rushing to get to their destinations.

the moral:

absolutely nothing. heehee..i did nothing, after all. but perhaps an insight. see, sometimes, the tide overwhelms and takes you..you feel you have no choice and naught the strength to fight it. but you always do. and the question becomes, "do you want to?"

*The Perfect Fabric*

since i'm studying sewing at the Fashion Institute of the Philippines, i needed to buy some materials for my 1st project. i had a simple fabric in mind..just khaki cotton or maybe a little safari print material. something you'd expect to find everyday. at first, i was scared. who wouldn't be? i'd be showing my choice of fabric to some of THE designers in this country. there's shanon pamaong, aries inigo, and john herrera. they would see my fabric. what if they found it tacky? i'd be forever labeled..haunted by that single decision. they would think me unfit to be in their school and would find me so..un-designer. but in the end, i went with my gut and said to myself, "yep. that's the one i want". this all happened just on the way to divisoria, by the way. so, i got there. i figured it'd be easy cause my fabric is simple. in divisoria, they've got all kinds of satin, lame, shantung, chiffon, linens, wool, fabric for beds and curtains and tables. but by the time i had had enough and was starting to receive wickedly amused faces from the vendors, i decided to settle with navy blue twill. the nautical look is in, after all. i could just add gold chains and stuff. but then i thought to myself,

"why? what i wanted was just so simple..nothing fancy..it's not even my idea of a perfect fabric. but no matter how simple it was, i wanted it but didn't find it. there was the high-end stuff..but i was required to get something crisp and easy to sew. i couldn't get that. there were crisp stuff..but they were unfit for a skirt and seemed meant for pillowcases. why not my khaki or safari print cotton?"

then i realized that it's just the same with life. sometimes it's easier to be on the extremes..easier to find luxurious things. we could settle for those but then you realize, it's not really what you need. or how about the impossibly perfect guy who's just not meant for you? you can't put your finger on it, but you know it's just not it. why, oh why, indeed?

or perhaps i was just expecting too much from DV...it might've been the wrong place after all