Much has happened….

A truce has been called; implied, rather.

HH yesterday. I realized that we really are growing up and we really do have more responsibilities than ever. I’m especially praying for Har’s concerns with family and finances. Then meedge somewhat explained why the UPCN doesn’t want us to accept the various offers from CBRC and such. Though I don’t fully comprehend, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that what we do now does not only define who we become later, it also affects the lives of those whom we preceded. I guess it’s up to us if we use that for the causes we choose or disregard this yet still affect the future with our thoughtless choices.

I am reminded again of this bit of truth on my way home when I encountered the Manila traffic. Maybe one jeepney driver stopped a bit longer than he should’ve to wait for more passengers, desperately in need of adequate income to support his family. His intentions are good and he means no harm. Yet that one act will not only possibly determine the flow of traffic along Taft and Pedro Gil, but it could also possibly change the lives of men: someone could miss an important interview; a girl’s father might not get to see her blow out her birthday candles; someone could have lived if the ambulance made it in time. Then again, someone could have a few more minutes with a loved one before he has to leave, thanks to the same. No one can tell.

Even if we don’t want to, one day, we will have to admit that there is a connection between all of us. We’ll have to live with the realization that every single thing we do can ultimately affect the lives of one or many in an infinite number of ways. Life is always going to be like a game of dominoes; we can be one of the tiles falling in a certain direction or we can be the odd tile that chooses to go in a different direction and create either a desired or unwanted effect with the move we make. So, what’s it going to be?

the reading for today is taken from Matthew 13:44-46

“He goes and sells all that he has and buys it.”

This entire week has seen me reading gospels about giving up everything the one true thing. Ironically, this was also the week that has seen me doubting my heart and His voice. My parents insist on a plan B (though I haven’t even fully explained the changes made to plan A), and I am tempted to succumb to their reasoning for fear that I might actually need it, as they say.

Yes, Father, I am scared. I’m scared that I won’t be able to provide my family with a good future. Yes, it would be nice to help the many who are suffering financially with the money I would earn as a nurse abroad. It would be so easy to give in to a secure future—a good future with minimal uncertainties. But I know in my heart that You have a plan for me—and I trust that it is beautiful. This isn’t certainty that I won’t suffer, no, but it it is certainty that everything will happen according to your plan and for your purposes, right? That brings me at peace.

I want to go with Your plan, Father. Please tell me that I am on the right path, for Yours is the only plan I want to follow. I want to be sure that Yours is the voice in my heart.

where the heart is

jaffy santiago: hi teacher kat!

me: hey!!!

me: grabe ang galing!

me: ittxt sana kita na mag-online ka. hahahahaaa. demanding?

jaffy santiago: talaga? bakit?

jaffy santiago: sayang sa load haha

me: naghahanap ng seryosong kausap

jaffy santiago: haha. gudlak na lang

jaffy santiago: haha. joke

me: hay, mukha ngang no luck pla ko dun. hahahaa

jaffy santiago: bakit ba? wasap?

jaffy santiago: ok ka lang?

me: slight concern

jaffy santiago: go

me: ok. gusto ng parents ko na magtake ako ng NCLEX (have i told you that before?)

jaffy santiago: yep. and?

me: anyway, they're planning na papuntahin nkong calif by january tpos since immigration will usually give you 6 months to stay there, that's exactly what they want me to do. go there, take the test, wait for the results.. and pag pumasa ako, magwork na dun snce mdali daw akong mkkhanap ng work kc may mga kaklala kme dun

me: and i am having difficulty telling them na gusto ko nga maging guro

jaffy santiago: ahh. have you told them already?

me: nasabi ko pero hndi nila sineryoso, saying na mas ok kung mag nurse n nga lng dun --> better future, echos eklavu chenes

me: and i know all that. i know na magiging comfortable ang buhay ko pag nag nurse ako

jaffy santiago: depende rin

jaffy santiago: tsaka ok naman ang suweldo ng teacher, lalo na kung sped or something

me: i don't wanna teach or do anything for the money anyway

jaffy santiago: ahh pero ok na reassurance yun sa parents e. hehe

me: i just wanna serve and be happy at the same time and make a difference

me: yeah, true. except parang nka shutdown sila pag sinasabi ko un and i don't know kung pano ko ipaglalaban 'to. parang ang hirap kc feeling ko sobrang fixed na ung isip ng dad ko.

jaffy santiago: ahh i see

me: tpos habang nag lalalala ung tatay ko sabi ko kay Lord "ano b tlga gagawin ko? di ba eto ung gusto mo na para sa kin?" tpos parang sabi niya "fight for it"

me: pero knina, hndi ko lng kinaya. silent mode lng ako. anyway, un lng nman. haha

jaffy santiago: yeah fight. pero hindi siguro yung harapang kontra

me: ay oo. pasaway. hahahaa

jaffy santiago: if that's where your heart is happy being, i know the He will bless it if you do decide to go for it. after all, He doesn't plant desires in our hearts that aren't for us

me: yeah, that's true pinagdadasal ko lng that He will give me the courage to pursue it. Thanks!

unearthing notes

september 8, 2006
*what follows is a recording of a conversation with a good friend

K: i'm confused. "you know" eyes
i don't want to be HR anymore.
i don't know...it hurts when you are but others aren't

N: Jesus is HR. i'm sure He loves you more than anyone would. ever.
INTERESTED? :p

K: I know. but being HR, He loves us even if we don't show we love Him back...apply to real life situation please. :) but He still sticks with us even if we hurt Him ---> HR!

N: Yup. No one else is more HR than He who loved enough to die for His friends. However, that kind of HRness, you can't expect from a person.

K: but i'm HR.

N: That may be, but His kind of HRness is perfect. to be able to experience the best kind of romance, you need to experience true love from Him first. a wise person said, "you can't give what you don't have!"
so, the love you should be looking for first is the true, perfect, HR to the max love from HIM? :p

K: tru. but if you love someone, shouldn't you try to be as HR as Him?

N: There is a time for everything. first thing's first! di ba, sa priorities mo, God first? i believe that before you love someone, you need to receive love from Him. if not, it will become a stale, half-cooked kind of love. really.

K: owkie.

*pause*

K: so...what are you saying?

N: i'm saying you need to be Jesus' girlfriend before anyone else's. you need a relationship with Him to put right you other relationships.
INTERESTED?

K: owkie. just clarifying.


*end*


i just chanced upon these notes on my palm and it made me laugh and feel nostalgic at the same time. these days, my friends link me to a few people and i tell myself that i'm not ready; that i'm trying to not like anyone in the romantic sense. i guess i'm afraid of the idea of a mismatch or a NOT happily ever after story.

i know now that there will be that perfect moment in God's time for all this. for now, i'm just trying to love Him first, before anything or anyone else :)

oh yeah. in case the deficient use of the term in the conversation was not enough to help you understand its meaning, HR stands for hopeless romantic.

shadowfeet

shadowfeet by brooke fraser is my song these days. i'm doing my best to be a good little daughter of His. stumbling, yes, but walking nevertheless.

i spent a good part of yesterday chatting with a new friend. i really enjoyed talking with him and felt like we had a lot of similarities. one thing i really appreciate in him is how he looks at life and really searches for God in his life. i am actually reminded of St. Therese of Lisieux--serving God in even the smallest of ways.

at one part of our conversation, we talked about PMS and how, sometimes, it can result in such a blessing--a child. i said we should treat it as any other mistake like lying or cheating. we recognize our wrongs and accept them so we may begin to change. everybody deserves forgiveness and second chances. truly, God's love is in everything. like in Juno, blessings can be found even in "a garbage dump of a situation".

a new fave line

"I must endure who I have been, if i am ever to become something else."
- The Haitian, Heroes 53

teacher jaffy shared this line with me from, would you believe, the Heroes comics? meron pla nun?! haha. pero totoo lng :) we have to accept who we were and just be inspired to become who we're supposed to be.

FRESH! victory

came home from fresh less than an hour ago. where do i even begin?!? God's miracles leading up to this victory have been so numerous and awesome! the bonding, praisefests, loving, and the many opportunities to serve Him--woot! one of the greatest experiences of my life so far, definitely.

and although some things, as of this moment, are cloaked still, i know that all will be perfect and awesome in God's time.

some excerpts:
Blair: "Evangelize one, save a thousand."
Jaffy: "When you are weak, then you are strong."
"Who do you think I am? [You are Lord] Then act like it."
"Hindi ung gitara o ung drums ang instrumento. Ang instrumento, tayo."

i know it will be difficult but i feel i am really being called to this mission which i am loving more with each passing moment. [let's pray for this, Kat.]

also, let's try to explain to our parents this commitment and try to really be the change God wants for us.

**this is from the inspiration booth. yay!! just a reminder to love.

BFFs!!!

me: hey chia!!

chia: kaaaatttt!

chia: we're freeeeee!

me: haha. for now...

chia: oo nga eh

chia: pero at least...

chia: hahaha

me: haha. so, ano na plans mo?

chia: ito, rest ng june.

chia: pero nag aaply na din for nclex

chia: tapos naghahanap din ng work

chia: pero mas gusto ko sana volunteer work

chia: nag send na ko ng application sa red cross pero thru internet lang

me: ooh. pano ka ngaapply for nclex? kasi ako din eh. san ka ba?

chia: ewan ko kung papansinin nila

chia: hahaha

chia: calif.

chia: kakastart ko pa lang

me: ako din gurl!!!

chia: www.rn.ca.gov

me: naghahanap pa lng ako ng list of reqts

me: hahaha

me: im at the site right now

me: ako "nagwowork" ngaun. mission volunteer sa yfc. haha. hindi related

me: actually may position pala na full-time nurse sa yfc eh. sa mga GK sites, paang public health nurse.

me: )parang

me: omg

me: balak mo ba sa US mismo magtake ng nclex?

me: sabay tau!!!

chia: hindi eh.

chia: dito ako mag test

chia: ikaw ba, sa states?

chia: hopefully by the end of the year makapag test na ko.

chia: sige, sabay tayo

chia: kuha ka ng ng transcript at pasagutan mo na sa dean nyo yung ibang forms

me: rumor has it na super puno na ung mga magtatake dito eh

me: as in, until 2010 daw

me: daw ha

chia: no wayyyy

chia: waaaaaa

chia: so sa states mo balak??

me: oh no. may sasagutan ung dean? patay na ko

me: sasakalin ako ng dean namin

chia: yeah, meron 3 pages dyan

me: yep, sa US before the year ends dahil mageexpire na ung visa ko sa January, the same time i turn 21!! grabe! double double dead. hahaha

chia: kailangan yun eh.

chia: hehehe

me: oh no tlga. aack. as in malalaman niya na magaapply ako?! no0o0o0oo!!

chia: yeah, you have no choice.

chia: reaaaaaalllyyyyy????

chia: dun ka?

me: actually, hindi ko pa naman sana tlga balak mag-apply. originally, wala tlga kong balak magapply for USRN

me: ngunit

chia: ako 2010 pero... mag 21 na ko sa december!

chia: may effect ba pag more than 21 ka??

me: masmahirap na magrenew ng visa. pero since di pa magexpire ung sau, pwde ka pa

chia: oo nga.

chia: totoo yan

me: eh kasi kung 21 na ko tapos nursing grad pa, isipin nila mag tnt na ko dun noh!!

me: eh un nga, pinoint out ng tatay ko na pag di ako magapply now, i might never get a chance

me: eh naisip ko, ok na din na igrab ung opportunity para madaming options

chia: ganyan din sinasabi ng parents koooo!

me: sa US nlng tau mag-test chi, this year. tapos bakasyon tau. sige naaaa!!!!

me: hahahaa

me: kainaman!

chia: sige sige!!

chia: kelan!

chia: payag na sha

chia: as in katabi ko na sha ngayon

chia: mag apply ka na, bilis!

me: hello po tita/tito!

chia: san ka ba sa states?

me: california nga gehlay

me: haha. ang bading ko tlga noh?

chia: hhahaha

chia: sige, ayusin na natin, kat.

me: halika na halika na. go go go!! mageempake na ko. joke!!!

chia: deal?

me: deal!!!

me: yes!! woohoo.

chia: ok.

chia: ayusin mo na ah.

me: masaya na ko kasi may kasama na ko

me: yay!!

me: alin ba dito???

chia: ako din!1

me: panic

chia: ang pipiliin ko dapat yung method 2.

chia: pero since dun na tayo mag test, method 1

me: teka lng ha. anong method 2 ka jan?

chia: sa site

me: exact link nga gehl

chia: hahaha

chia: wait

chia: hahaha

chia: sorry

chia: confused

chia: ano ulit question mo?

me: anong exact link ng webpage?

chia: wait

chia: puntahan ko

chia: http://www.rn.ca.gov/pdfs/applicants/exam-app.pdf

chia: yan

me: thanks thanks!!

chia: no prob

me: yay! i can't believe it! i'm so happy na. haha.

chia: pano kaya natin malalaman yung status ng nclex talaga?

chia: para hindi tayo nag ddepend lang sa rumors

chia: hahaha

chia: anyway, lunch na kami

chia: i have to go

chia: hehehe

me: ok

chia: keep in touch!

chia: sana masimulan mo na this week

me: talk to u later! hi to everyone

chia: ok ok?

me: ok. will do balitaan nlng tau

chia: read this, text me or sa ym.

chia: sagutan mo na yung application ah

chia: madali lang naman

chia: hehehe

chia: later!

me: okiedokie!!

chia: good luck satin!

me: toodles!!

me: yeah!!

chia: im glad nakakita ako ng kasama!

chia: hahahaha

me: me too!!

chia: this should be fun!

chia: hahaha

chia: later

chia has signed out. (6/9/2008 12:01 PM)

batch history :)

let God and let go

i finished applying for the NLE's a while ago. it took us about 2 hours, technically, though there were many struggles prior to the 2 hours of processing, etc.

while everybody hoped to finish as soon as possible, i was half-wishing that i wouldn't be able to apply, hoping i could go on that trip with my family instead. however, i remembered that a few nights ago, i asked God to make the decision for me because i didn't have the wisdom nor the courage to do so myself. and today, i stood by my faith in Him. i know that i really want to be with my family this summer and now, i am certain that i won't be doing that. but i accept Your will Lord; i believe that it isn't by my own cowardice or misjudgment that i am in this situation, but that it is because of a bigger plan.

sometimes it is extremely difficult to accept Your will and give up our own intentions completely, even if we know that putting out trust in You is the best thing that we could possibly do. and yes, You ask that we love You wholeheartedly, though i also know that You understand that it is initially difficult for us to remove ourselves from that which is not right. so, at first, we crawl. i guess what's important is that in spite of our tears, we still try our best to do Your will. After all, You do not require perfection but intention.

afterwards, our faith in Your will becomes stronger and we come to the realization that a life dedicated to service may seem like a life of sacrifices. indeed. just as Your disciples left their lives behind for You, so we are also called to give up everything and take up our cross.

because the Father loves us so, i believe that there will be another chance for me to be with my family. perhaps my absence, in some bizzaare way, will help them patch things up with each other. i don't know. all i am certain of is this: the Lord knows best. He loves us dearly and will only give us what is ultimately best for us.

Luke 8:16

*random bible flip*

"no one lights a lamp and puts it under a bowl or under a bed. A lamp is always put on a lampstand, so that people who come into a house will see the light."



God is telling you to shine! to spread his beautiful Word :)

the real easter bunny

"...lead me to the cross where Your love poured out
bring me to my knees, Lord i lay me down
RID ME OF MYSELF, I BELONG TO YOU
lead me, LEAD ME TO THE CROSS..."

You could be excellent, you could be the person that I want you to be, the person you also want to be...if you just allow yourself to become that person. if you allow Me to work in you....

til i see you...

i finally cried.. just a little though. maybe i'm still in denial. or maybe it won't be so bad. i know i'd miss the 4 days or more a week spent in 4rcb1.. i could cry because of that. but somehow, the Lord is trying to reassure me that i'd still get the chance to be with these great people. even now, i'm cooking up reasons to visit the ward. haha. truth be told, i only cry because i still want to bond with them and it is my impulsive behavior that wants to do this right this moment.

i'm not sure if it is a false hope i feel rising in my heart that i'd be working here soon. but i know that the Father is kind and loving--He will place me here again unless He knows i can be of even more service elsewhere. and if that happens, then there really is nothing to cry about.

Father, there are so many great people whom i've met recently and i really would love to get to know them better and become real friends with them. please, please, please. also Father, i pray for my other relationships, other areas. please keep the bonds strong. please continue to bless all whom i love.

Father i pray for YFC; i hope more people will just be changed by You and will devote their lives and energies to serving You. father, i pray for my career (nurse/teacher/mission volunteer). i pray for my family and friends and future co-staff *crosses fingers* and even for my soulmate (if that is in your plans). lastly, i pray for my self, my relationship with You. i pray to love You better and really manifest that in my very being :)

you and me

i'm about to eat lunch alone.. it's been a while since i last did this. so, it's just me, affordable food, a nice and roomy booth, and a lot of thoughts :) it'll be nice to do this again. i really missed You and me, after all..just the two of us. Lord, so many things have happened these past two months and if i were to describe them collectively, there would be no more fitting word than "BEAUTIFUL". simple as that. You have turned nursing into something i love so dearly; You have changed me yet again and i am sustained by the promise that things can only get even better because everything happens according to your will. You have turned me into a person who wants to be excellent in serving others and, ultimately, in serving You. i am so blessed to wake up every day and actually look forward to almost everything that You have prepared for me and have asked me to accomplish. i feel like the future is so bright, not just for me, but for everyone because Your great love for us allows it, fosters it. Lord there have been so many hardships, even failures, but right now, as i look back at them, i only see obstacles and how You have turned them into victories yet again.

Father, you know in my heart that although i still aim to accomplish all that you have called me to do, i have found peace in this unexpected place and it is only natural that i am afraid to leap to the next stage and leave this new family i have come to love. "for moving forward is rarely accomplished without a considerable amount of grief". but i trust that one day, the sun will rise again, as it always does. and maybe on that day, i will be with all whom i love. and You will be closest to me :)

holding on

Lord, ive been really tired and worried that i couldn't do all of these things. but you told me to just believe in You, Father; to not solely rely on my own capabilities, for i am just human whereas You are God. i remember now what you have been repeatedly telling me. Father, i believe that you want me to do all these projects. They are difficult and many, but you told me that if I believe that these are important then I mustn’t give up on them and, more importantly, you will be at my side always to help and guide. Ok Lord, I won’t give up. Through all these things Lord just allow me to glorify You, Father. Everything is for You…

rediscovering YFC

came from CORE meeting a while ago. i thought it was HH so i was pretty excited. but then, the hidden motives of my very pasaway President were revealed (haha. kidding eric). so we had a meeting about a formal integration of GK and YFC at last, and this new project will be starting in Central C! can you believe it? i'm really excited about the coming year :)

in the past weeks service has been kind of dry for me and it was only last night that i discovered the reason behind this phenomenon: i've been so used to YFC that i've forgotten to see the bigger picture. week after week, it has been the same, if not worse, in my opinion. still no consistent households, even for the execom. no prayer meetings or worships, and it's been really frustrating to see YFC in UPM spiral down to its current condition. and i realized last night that we have been stagnant for quite some time, perhaps not because we've become less dedicated to our service, but we've taken for granted the true essence of being YFCs, of being God's chosen people.

we're not just in YFC to learn about God, to worship Him, form a spiritual family in our campus, love our own families and friends and help one another out. we're supposed to go beyond that, supposed to serve those whom we don't know, those who really need it, knowing that we may get nothing in return.

thank you Father for you have revealed your great plan to us: You're going to use us to let the whole world know of and realize your great love for every single one of us. it's a lot of work, but with You, anything is possible. Lord, please continue to give us strength, faith, grace, wisdom, and perseverance to fulfill our purposes in life.

escape

right now...
i need to get out of this place. bad energy. it really makes my blood curdle. very unconducive to good things, to productivity, to happiness. need to pray about it. but at the same time...need to get out...

beauty in simplicity

no duty today because of the wannabe coup. poor Manila Pen. anyway, i'm actually quite said that there isn't night duty today because i was really looking forward to being with one of the nurses @ 7RCB. i'm quite infatuated with her (not in the weird way. haha). it's just that i don't know many people like her. she's simple, intelligent, responsible, kind, supportive, and trusting. she doesn't bitch about other people, doesn't gossip at all. if she can't say anything nice, she still doesn't speak ill of others, even when they are perhaps deserving. she's not boring, yet she doesn't overpower with her personality. at duty, she really shows that she is a nurse, above everything. she doesn't try to grab attention with her silly antics, much unlike myself. she really knows that it's not about her, and i think that is so uncommon these days; we tend to make everything about ourselves. but no, not her. there is true beauty in her simplicity and dedication, and i really admire that. i hope that one day, the same can be said about myself.

brighter!

Lord, thank you for making the prayer meeting a success. there were a few glitches, but all the essentials were there and that is more than enough. Father, i really realized a lot from worship: that you brought me here to help cure the pains and hurts of the people. that you don't want me to be perfect but are asking me to try and do my best. i'm so lucky because you are in my life, you are the meaning and purpose of my existence.

a quote from a good friend:
"Life is really not perfect. but it can be more than perfect depending on how you look at it."

true.

sensibilities

SONNET 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

just the one

Lord, i kn0w that there's a reason you separated me from my HH. i've realized that they are my only really close friends and perhaps it is time i form more meaningful relationships with others. it's time i opened up to them, please you through these relationships, tell more people about you and show them how great you are. it's also a challenge to improve myself, to become more acceptable and lovable without changing my essence; to do away with the awful imperfections but keep the quirks which distinguish myself from others. i hope to glorify you, Father. i'm quite terrified of what's to come, but i know that if i just learn to trust you, everything will be where it should be.